Monday, November 1, 2010

"The Baby Didn't Make It"

Every now and then, I find myself revisiting Wyatt's obituary on the funeral home's website. Why? I don't honestly know. It's not like I find peace in it and I really don't enjoy visiting a funeral home's website to see my son. But after giving thought to the reason why I may continue to revisit Wyatt's obituary, I have decided it is because it takes me closer back to the day we lost him. Just tonight, I found myself revisiting his obituary. I took in each word as if it was the first time I had read it. Afterwards, I thought, "Really, are you really reading it again? Nothing has changed, he is still gone, the words haven't changed and life is still the same. He is gone."

Over the past few days I have had several moments. I can't really explain them in writing, and words do them no justice. But these moments really get to me. The moment from today actually hurt. I was sitting at my desk, on a conference call. While listening to the call, I sat in a daze, starring at the two photos of Wyatt on my desk. I remember thinking, "He is gone, he is really gone and he isn't coming back." It hit me.

I honestly believe that it literally had just hit me, like really hit me, for the first time. For the past almost five months, I have known that my baby has been gone. He died In Utero, I know that. But for most of the past five months, I kept thinking he was coming back, as if he was being borrowed, because a child just doesn't die. Not a child who was wanted so badly, not one who was loved so very much. Wrong! It hit me at that moment, on that call. The heavy push on the heart, the pain in the back of my throat, the tears welling up in the eyes, the weakness that was felt throughout the body, it all hit me. I couldn't move.

I shook my head, looked at the pictures again, took a deep breathe, and thought "You already knew that, you knew he was gone. It's been like this for almost five months now, where have you been?" Well, the truth is, I have been stuck in the moment. Stuck back on June 4, when the doctor told me over and over again that "the baby didn't make it". Stuck in the shock of those words. I have been trying to process those words for almost five months now, each word, one at a time. There are five words and it took me five months. "The baby didn't make it".

It hit me today that the baby didn't make it. When I viewed the obituary tonight, I knew I wasn't returning closer to the day we lost him, I was drifting further away.

The baby didn't make it, I finally understand, he is gone forever, he was not borrowed and he is not coming back.


Danielle said...

Megan, I am so sorry that you have to walk this road...I hate it that any of us have to go through this! You are not alone in these awful "it just hit me" moments. I've had the same thing happen...all of a sudden I feel like my heart drops into my stomach and I feel empty, realizing that HE'S GONE and never coming back, as if I just realized it for the first time. These moments never fail to knock me right off my feet and bring me to my knees, sobbing...again.
I wish I had some insight to make some of this easier, but nothing ever will...I'm not even sure if time will make it easier. I think of you and sweet little Wyatt often. Sending love your way...and wishing you weren't going through this too.

Donna said...

Oh Megan, I am SO Sorry honey!!! I get it, I really do. I think this is the start of your finally healing. Continue to think of Wyatt as your precious gift, the day will come when you smile instead of cry. Some gifts aren't ours to keep. Some people aren't even lucky enough to have that short time of knowing someone they loved so much it hurt. I pray so hard for you to find the meaning of this and find peace in your heart to enjoy every day of your life and that you are given the baby you deserve, and that deserves you as their Mommy... That baby will be the luckiest baby!!! I want so much for you, but most of all, I want you to find peace. <3

Dana said...

Jacob's 5 months was yesterday and just recently has it really hit me that the situation can't be changed. I knew it couldn't all along, but I couldn't accept it emotionally. Seems like we are on a similar schedule.

Rhiannon said...

I find that I have to tell myself that a lot too. She is gone...she is not coming back. Accepting it is just so hard-like you said, "babies aren't supposed to die". It is so wrong and so hard to understand...I feel like I am constantly looking for someone to return Harper, too. It is just so hard. I wish we all had our babies in our arms...

Drew's Parents said...

It is so hard not to look back and get lost in the world of what if our baby had made it. The process of acceptance is so difficult. It seems so unnatural and is completely unfair. I am so sorry that Wyatt isn't in your arms. I am sending you support and hugs!