Friday, December 31, 2010

Here's to another 365 days....

A few hours left until a new year so I thought I would take time to get my final thoughts of this year in.  I think it will be best if I do a Jay Leno Tonight Show Top 10.  This list is the top 10 reasons why 2010 was the worst year EVER.  Ready?  Here goes...

10.  The diminishing savings account - It's amazing to me how we can go into the year having a surplus of funds but when we end we have just enough to pay the bills and buy some food.  We never had to carry a credit card balance, but here we are at the end of the year with a nice fat $2500.00 balance to pay off in 2011. 

9.  A broken house - Since moving into our home in 2006, we have had nothing but problems with it.  The basement takes on water, the house is barely sealed so it comes with drafts, insulation doesn't really exist in our house, and our electric will that is just a joke.  This year Brian determined that our support beams are beginning to rot in the foundation and the main reason for the water in the basement is due to the way the driveway was laid.  Also, lets not forget our pesky friends, the Stink Bugs.  We are still finding them.  Brian flushed several just the other day.

8.  Politics - Since this blog is viewed by many, I will just leave it at politics.  I will not discuss what politics I am referencing.  Please just know that I feel that politics suck and that is what is wrong with this world.

7.  An increase in the cost of living but a decrease in the paycheck - Of course, insurance increased again and so did the cost of gas, electric, milk, food, and co pays.  But guess what, the amount we are paid, well that remained the same.  Amazing ain't it?  I recall just a few years ago, people would get a "cost of living" wage increase.  In 2010, the cost of living increased but the take home pay decreased, something just ain't right.

6.  Thirty years - I turned thirty this year.  THIRTY.  Where in the hell did the first thirty years of my life go?  Oh yea, the last three were spent in doctor's offices trying to make a baby.  The ones before that were spent being young and naive. 

5.  A family wouldn't be family without a feud - Nothing like spending three weeks watching a family feud unfold.  Since one family member thought it would be easier to just ignore another, a feud took place.  More like a pissing match if you ask me.  Needless to say, Thanksgiving was spent without one of the family members and their family.  Sheesh.

4.  Another lie - This should have been expected, but again, it was a let down.  Since the age of twelve, I have been told that "he was coming, he would arrive soon, he said he would show this weekend".  It happened again.  He said he was coming for Christmas, not that I really believed it, but I thought maybe he would.  He didn't, a no show, yet again.  It was expected but damn it, don't say you are doing something, when you already know that you won't. 

3.  Chemo is a poison - My Grandmother, though vey young to be my Grandmother, she has been diagnosed with cancer.  While asking her about it, she explained that chemo is a poison, she is basically taking poison into her body to win her battle.  Then I find out, the plan isn't for her to win, it is just for her to make it another few months.  WTF?

2.  CHD - I never thought three letters would or could be my number two on one of my top ten lists, but these three letters will haunt me forever.  CHD.  Congenital Heart Defect.  I never knew anything about CHD, never knew that it was the number one killer amongst newborns, never knew that there could be so many heart defects in one little heart.  I found all of this out in 2010 and it only took two days to understand it all.  CHD.  Congenital Heart Defect.  Or as I know it, Cause Him Death.

And the number one reason why 2010 was the worst year ever:

1.  Saying goodbye to a child we never said hello to - I think that this would have to be any parents number one reason for a year to be the worst ever.  A pregnancy that was perfect, one that was uneventful, well that is until week 27.  Then in a matter of two weeks, we learn that we are having a boy, that he had a heart condition, that the condition was one of the worst seen at one of the world's best hospitals, and that his chance of survival was well... slim to none.  He didn't make it through the surgery, the one that was considered "experimental".  He was delivered on my thirtieth birthday, and two days later his Daddy and I sat facing each other in a funeral home while we picked out his urn.  It wasn't supposed to be like that.  Things like that don't happen to me.  Hahaha, damn was I wrong, that was quickly understood.  In the blink of an eye, we were no longer expecting our first child, we no longer had a nursery to prepare, we no longer had doctor appointments.  Instead, we sat starring at a cute little angel on a set of blue marble steps, our son's urn. 

And there you have it, the top 10 reasons why 2010 was the worst year ever.  All I can do is hope that 2011 will not be such a let down.  I am not sure that I can take a repeat of 2010, but then again, a year ago today, I would have told you I wouldn't have been able to take losing my son either.  It's amazing how much one can actually take. 

Well, here's to another 365 days.... wonder what will be in store for us this time around????

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Goodbye 2010....

.... and here we are, two days away from a new year. 

I have waited for a new year since the middle of this year.  This time last year, I couldn't wait for 2010 because my first child, the one we tried for forever, would be delivered, boy if I would have only known. 

Am I anxious for 2011, yes, but only to get the hell away from 2010.  I used to have this theory, and I had it ever since I was little.  I remember sitting in my Grandparent's diner telling my Uncles about this theory when I was younger.  My theory was this:  All even years are good and all odd years bring nothing by bad. 

Man, my theory was proven 100% incorrect this year.  Though Brian and I were blessed, yet again, at the end of the year with our miracle baby, our even year SUCKED.  It was the worst year ever.  Some would disagree by saying at least you felt your baby move and grow inside you.  To those, I have to disagree.  To lose the child that we tried for 26 months to create, the child that was carried for 29 weeks and 1 day gestation, a child who when delivered looked perfect, well that is the worst event that could happen.  If you disagree, then I am sorry. 

This year brought other bad events also.  Shortly after Wyatt's passing, my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer.  Stage 4 cancer.  Not good.  She is receiving Chemo, but it's not supposed to cure her, just extend her life a bit. 

Then there is the economy.  Well, they say on the news that things are getting better, but I am not sure who they ask to find that out.  Our saving accounts are slowly creeping to the very low mark, though I guess that is still better than some.  My Dad lost his job this August and is still currently unemployed.  And my poor brother.  He goes overseas to fight for our country in Iraq and returns to find he is jobless.  So, if "they" were to ask my family how the economy did for 2010, our response would be "It died."

Overall, 2010 was a God awful year.  It could have been worse, I understand that.  I have friends out there who have struggled with 2010 more than we have.  There is a special friend who I think of often, she lost three family members, all within weeks of each other.  There are others who lost their babies also this year, some due to heart issues, and many others due to several other complications.  There are others out there who are homeless and who don't have very much.  And there others out there who are still struggling to become pregnant. 

My wish for 2011 is that whatever we are struggling with this year, in 2010, may we overcome it in 2011.  May we all move past the hurdle that was presented to us in 2010, and push forward to our next big obstacle.  May we find peace for at least a short while and may we enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Past, Present, and Future

I am sure you may have noticed that I have been disconnected from the Internet.  No FB, no blog, no researching anything, nothing.  This was done on purpose.  This season is hard enough, as I said before, it is like the salt on an opened wound, so I decided that I needed to distance myself.  I decided it was time to focus on me and only me.  I was not trying to be selfish nor did I want others to feel that I don't care about them, because I do.  But I needed Megan time.  I needed time to be with my thoughts and my feelings for Wyatt.  I needed to allow feelings to develop for our newest miracle.  And I needed time with Brian. 

I didn't think that distancing myself from social networking would allow me to heal even more.  But it did!  I was able to have my visits with the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future (not really, but in my heart and mind I did). 

I spent a lot of time with the ghost of Christmas Past.  I spoke with him and discussed the pain and agony I experienced.  I realized that it was time to tuck this ghost safely in my heart, where the memories will live peacefully forever.  I will never forget the past, it will live in me forever, but I told myself I must push forward away from the hurt and pain. 

Christmas Present veered his head.  I quickly realized that I received a gift that is better then all.  Not only did I receive the gift I received last year, but I received it from the love that my husband and I share.  No medicine or treatments.  Christmas Present allowed me to understand that all the pain that we endured brought something is so very special and meaningful.  Something that only our angel and God could allow to happen.  Our miracle baby.

Though I didn't want to move forward, I knew I had to so I could fully understand.  I ventured further and came across Christmas Future.  Though still very cloudy and extremely blurry, I could see that there was happiness.  It came from family and friends.  It came from helping others and telling my story.  It came from my past. 

That was when I realized that I had climbed my mountain.  I had made it to the top and I was now looking down.  I found a quote today that helps better explain. 

"You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been."

This quote is so very right.  It has been just over six months since my life turned to disaster.  Six months since I experienced something that many others will never experience.  Six months since I buried my son.  A parent should never have to bury their child but the sad reality is, many do.  In a matter of six months, I have gone through hell and back.  I have climbed my mountain and I have fallen, only to continue on the climb.  But it is now that I can say that I feel I have reached the top.  I am now realizing my distance because I am finally looking down from the top. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

December 16 - One Year Ago...

Today is a day I have dreaded, as it is the one year mark since I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt.  I remember everything as if it happened yesterday.

I was laying on the table in the IVF transfer room and the nurse said, "You will have your blood test on 12/16 to determine if IVF worked."  Brian and I looked at each other and then I said, "That is my brother's birthday and he is in Iraq, IVF will work and I will be pregnant." 

On 12/16, I drove to the doctors.  On the way there, I remember hearing the song, "Tonight's gonna be a good night", to this day I still cringe when I hear it.  I had my blood drawn and I awaited the call. 

My cell phone rang at 10:38a, on December 16, 2009.  The nurse on the other end said, "I can't believe it, but you are definitely pregnant.  It worked."  I was at work.  I got up and walked into the empty education room, I got my numbers from the nurse and my next steps, and called Brian.  He was shocked.  I think he was actually stunned.  I then called my mom and sister.  Then I sent a MySpace message to my brother in Iraq.  It said, "Happy birthday.  I am finally pregnant, we found out today, on your birthday!"

What a day that was.  Funny what a year can do.  You can have so much, have it all taken away, and then be given the chance all over again.  It's even funnier how much one person can be taught about life in a matter of one year.

It is snowing today, our first real snowfall of the season.  I would have normally just awed over the snow because it was pretty and moved on.  But today is different.  Today is the one year mark since we found out we were pregnant with Wyatt, and it is now snowing out.  I can only think that this is a sign from my son. 

As I sent my brother a text message today, wishing him a happy birthday, I also added that Wyatt must really love his Uncle because he made it snow on his birthday! 

I still wish things were different.  I wish my son was here with me about to be four months old, but that is not the case.  Instead, he is in Heaven looking down on his family and ensuring we receive our signs when the timing is just right. 

December 16, one year ago, we were excited to find out we were pregnant with our first child.  Today, I receive a sign from him and pray that God shows him all the love he deserves, while I show it from the other side of Heaven!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Wyatt's Special Package Arrived!!!

While baking cookies and making dinner today, I received a knock on the door.  The dogs began barking and of course I was yelling trying to make them stop.  While dodging one dog only to trip over the other, I finally made it to the door. 

It was too late...  The mail lady had already nicely place the package and my mail on the front step.  After controlling the dogs, I was able to open the door and bring the gift inside. 

I gently removed the tape and opened the flaps.  I carefully lifted each piece of newspaper and pushed it aside.  There laying in the box was a beautiful blue circle shaped gift box with a blue bow. 

I removed the precious blue box from the large mailing box and slowly lifted the lid.  There is was!  So precious, so beautiful, so.... PERFECT. 

Wyatt's ornament from Sawyer's Mommy!!! 

This is one of the most special ornaments Wyatt will ever have.  The fact that Sawyer's Mommy and I found each other is something that only our son's could have had control over.  To receive an ornament made with care for Wyatt from Sawyer's Mommy means so very much. 

This ornament will be placed under the tree until Christmas.  It will be placed on the tree Christmas morning, as part of our newest family tradition!

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing...

This Christmas season is the salt to my wound.  I try to fight the pain and hide it with a smile but deep down the only thing I feel is the sharp and aching pain of the salt being poured onto my wound.  It is painful and it rips at my heart.  It hurts like no other pain and it never goes away.  There is always that tug at my heart, the pain that numbs my body, the void that will never be filled. 

The gifts are wrapped and the tree is decorated.  Cookies will be made today.  The Christmas cards have been mailed and the stockings have been hung.  But there are presents missing, 1st Christmas ornaments will not come, and a stocking that still hasn't been hung.  This year at Christmas, there are tears in our home which should be replaced with a little ones laughter. 

I listen to the Christmas songs this year, they mean so much more.  I haven't ever REALLY listened to them and fully understood the meaning.  There are so many songs that I have to turn off this year.  There are even more that I listen to and hardly make it through.  Christmas songs used to make me laugh and dance through the house, but this year they have made me realize what Christmas is all about. 

A BLM came up with an idea to create a "Wishmas Tree" in honor of her daughter.  This little "Wishmas Tree" got me thinking of what I would wish for if I had only one wish.  My wish would be simple:  Allow me to be with Wyatt for just one more day.  I don't ask for a lifetime, as I know that was not the way.  I just ask for one more day, so we can giggle, laugh, and play.  Until then, I will have a void that will never be filled again. 

I would like to leave you with a song that reminds me of Wyatt, our little angel forever.  I can't listen to this song without thinking him and all the other angels who were lost too soon.  May all of our angels have a wonderful holiday season and know that they are missed and loved so very much.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Don't Forget to Reflect!

While driving to my second u/s appointment today, I was listening to the radio.  I remember hearing the DJ talking about the year coming to an end and how all of the celebrities will begin to discuss their year, the fact that there will be year end music countdowns, and soon there will be a new year ahead of us.  The DJ then said something that hasn't left my mind all day.  He said, "As the year is ending, make sure you take time to reflect upon your year.  Look back on 2010 and ask yourself what the year offered you, the good, the bad, and even the ugly." 

I nodded my head and I started to cry (which doesn't take much now being pregnant).  I remember rounding the turn on route 52 and starring at the sky.  I began reflecting.  I reflected on how I entered the year full of excitement with the news of finding out we were expecting.  We were so happy, it was all we talked about for months.  I ensured everything was done correctly, the right foods, the correct amount of sleep, the right everything.  I thought about the first ultrasound and the many after that.  I thought about the last ultrasound, the one on May 25, the first day of the end of my old life.  I thought about the events that unfolded after that ultrasound.  I reflected upon the massive loss that occurred just two days before my 30th birthday.  I was then taken back to the day of Wyatt's delivery, my 30th birthday, the day I met my angel.  I stayed there for a while, a long long while.  

I sunk back to reality and stopped at the stop sign.  I turned into town and began reflecting on 2010 again.  I recalled the day that my angel was wheeled in the opposite direction as I, the last time we were together.  There I was, sobbing through West Chester.  I felt people starring at me from the street as I was stopped at the next red light.  I wanted to roll down the window and scream, "What?!  I am REFLECTING on my year, the worst year ever." 

I pulled myself together only to realize that the DJ was still talking about the same topic.  One of the other DJs was discussing their year and he stated that he had a good and bad year.  It was bad because he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, but good in the fact that the diagnosis meant he had a brain.  I began laughing and I quickly realized I needed to get myself to think like that.  I again, nodded my head, and reflected but this time in a different way. 

I thought back to losing our little Wyatt.  Losing Wyatt was the worst event to ever take place in my life, making this my worst year ever.  However, I have learned so much about medicine, life, family, the "real meaning", and faith.  Wyatt is my little blessing to who I will be forever grateful.  Without our Wyatt, Brian and I would not have learned we could conceive on our own.  We would not have grown as much as we have this year.  And, we would not have Wyatt's brother or sister on their way.  I also wouldn't have never gotten to know so many wonderful people.  I would have never taken a trip to Chicago or meant an amazing family.  I would probably have never made blankets for the hospital or cards for so many families.  So, although this year is the worst year in my records, this year has brought good also.

I arrived at the doctor's office, early for once.  I walked in and the receptionist asked how I was.  I responded with, "I am good, you?"  She looked and me and said, "I can't wait for this year to be over."  I wanted to respond with, "Have you reflected yet?"  But I didn't.  Instead, I smiled warmly at her, nodded my head and said, "Wonder what next year will hold for us?" 

Monday, December 6, 2010

A letter to my son....

My dearest Wyatt,

Today is December 6, six months since the day I delivered you.  You should be here son, you really should be.  It is so very hard for me to write this letter to you because I want you to just be here in my arms, here so I can kiss you and hug you.  Instead, I look to the sky and I pray that you hear me talk to you.  I pray that you feel my love and that you understand that I love you so very much. 

If I could have made things different, baby, I would have.  I would have given anything to have you stay with Daddy and I.  It has taken a long time but I know that you are healthier and happier there with God.  I know that you aren't suffering and I understand it was your time to return. 

There are so many things I would love to tell you.  But since I can't, I just want you to know just how much Daddy and I love you.  We love you to the moon and back baby boy.  We love you with every beat of our hearts.  For as long as we live, you will be remembered and cherished. 

When the day arrives that Daddy and I can meet you again, I will be in my glory.  Until then son, we have to live apart.  Please continue to send me your signs and show me your love.  I promise you will never leave the warmth of my heart. 

I wish you were here for me to tell you this, but one day I will be able to tell you it all.  I love you child, I love you with all my heart.  You will always be my first born, my first son.  You will always hold the most special place in my heart.  I hope you look down on Daddy and I and feel the love.

We love you, Wyatt.  We will always love you.  Happy six month angelversary, baby boy. 

Love you so very very much,

Thursday, December 2, 2010

A Christmas Card from Heaven...

I found another poem on the Internet tonight.  Of course it quickly spoke to me.  It was as if Wyatt was really speaking, as if he really was making this one little request.  I thought many of the other BLMs would appreciate this poem.  It makes me feel like our babies have a voice and that we, as mothers, are still thought about, just as we think about our little ones. 

Get ready to pull out your tissues girls.....

Dear Mr. Hallmark,  I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside 
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,  trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

My child, he lives in Heaven, that is the place that he calls his home.  He knows where is Mommy and Daddy live, though we never did get to bring him home.  My baby lives in Heaven and I will see him when I arrive.  Until then, I think of him everyday and do everything to honor him while I am alive.  My son will be my son forever and I will always be his mother.  I would love to receive this card on Christmas day, I wonder if Mr. Hallmark will send one my way?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Touching the Hearts of Others

Many BLM's are receiving their handmade cards that I made for them for the holidays.  I have received many thank you's and a few stories about the family's reaction when they saw their card.  Tonight I was touched by several stories.  One you can read about by clicking HERE.

The second was a wall post on FB.  Here is it:
I just got my mail and there was your wonderful handmade christmas card. It came on a perfect day to , my 3 yr anniversary of my second angel loss. ♥ you and your precious WYATT ♥ {{HUGS}}

And the third, the one that brought me to tears, the one that made me realize a card can reach into the hearts of others came with a photo:

The card was place on the tree.  The caption on the photo read "Thank you megan this is my first xmas card for my serena i love it you brought us to tears even my hunny was crying he was sad and happy thank you". 

I would like to say thank you girls.  Thank you for allowing me to make something for your family.  Thank you for allowing me to honor your children.  Thank you!!!

"Why God Takes the Little Ones"

And so it is............

December 1 is here.  It came with a flip of the calendar today, which means in only a short 5 days, it will be six months since I have seen my son.  Six months since life came crashing down.  In just 3 days, it will be six months from the date of the worst surgery ever.  The surgery that was supposed to help Wyatt, not kill him. 

December brings nothing but sadness to my heart.  December 4 is going to be hard.  December 6 is going to be harder.  December 12, we will be traveling back to the hospital for a candle lighting memorial honoring all of the children who had to grow little wings.  Then there is Christmas.  I can't even think about the holiday without getting a lump in the back of my throat. 

I find myself thinking of the many things I am blessed with but I seem to come back to the fact that I still don't have my son.  I had a short chat with a friend the other day.  She lost her husband just before we lost Wyatt.  She was explaining that Wyatt had a purpose and that we have been blessed with a gift from Wyatt.  I told her that I didn't need to lose Wyatt to be blessed, I was blessed with him and didn't need to have anything else.  

I am not sure and I will never know why I had to lose my son nor why my son had to lose his mother and father.  I will never understand why my son had to return to God or why God only allowed him a short life.  This is something that I am not privileged to know.  This is something that will pull at my heart and mind FOREVER or at least until it can be reunited with him again. 

Why God takes the little ones
I swear I'll never know
You had so much life to live
It just wasn't time to go.

For comfort, now, I think of you
With tiny little wings
Up above, in a beautiful place,
listening to angels sing.

You'll never know the pain I feel
The hurt you left behind.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to hold you one more time.

I carried you in my womb,
Then I carried you in my arms
And now, until it no longer beats
I'll carry you in my heart

~Author Unknown~

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Life's Puzzle

"Life is full of beauty.

Notice it. 

Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. 

Smell the rain, and feel the wind. 

Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."

While working on a project at work today, I was in need of a quote.  I wanted one that related to the project but one that related to life also, because believe it or not the project and life actually go hand in hand.  I found the quote that is listed above, and I sat in awe.  Looking back on my old life, I noticed too many times where I was wrapped up in the moment, worried only about so called issues and things that mean so little in the grand scheme of things.  Since Wyatt grew his wings, almost six months ago, life has been so very different. 

It is actually hard for me to explain in words how life has changed, how it became something so extremely different.  You see, everything that once was isn't any more.  Getting upset over small things at work, caring so very much for something that means so little, and taking in everything but the important things is all gone from my life.  This has been replaced with becoming upset over the selfishness of people, caring only about my family, and understanding and appreciating the smallest things in life. 

In a previous post, I mentioned a quote that came from a Hallmark movie. 

"You haven't lived until you lost everything."

I sit here looking back over the past 30.5 years of my life and I realize, I haven't noticed the bumble bee, the child or the smiling faces until just recently.  Just within the last six months.  I hadn't lived until I lost it all.  I lost my son, what more can one lose? 

Give it thought.  I would never ask you to consider losing your child, so instead do it this way...

Take away everything, all that you must have, all that you love and care about.  Take away your house, car, big screen television, the spontaneous items you bought on Black Friday, this years styles because last years just won't do, your jewelry and makeup, take away the designer curtains and the high dollar lamps, the bedding and all your clothing.  What do you have left? 

If your answer is nothing, you are wrong.

Let me ask you again, you have no more materialist items, what do you have left? 

After the loss of my son, I didn't care and still don't care about anything else.  I don't care about money, cars, houses, or the gifts under the tree this year.  When Wyatt grew his wings, I realized that I had lost it all, but I also realized I had so much more.  I had love, family, friends, and faith.  If you know me, you know that I don't go to church, but you don't need to go to church to pray to God and to believe.   I have been shown so very much in just a short time and I have been able to start to live life.

Life is nothing more than a puzzle.  You just have to the find the connecting pieces in order to see the bumble bee, the child, and the smiling faces.  The pieces include love, family, friends, and faith.  The materialist piece doesn't fit in life's puzzle, it simply makes the puzzle one that will never be complete. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Same....

Here it is November 28, three days after Thanksgiving, eight days before the six month mark of Wyatt growing his wings, and just under one month until Christmas.  How did I get to this point?  I keep telling people that I can't believe it is November, and not because I am like others who just can't believe the holidays are here.  No, I really honestly, can't believe it is November.  I feel like this year has been nothing but a long horrible dream, one that started with me being pregnant with Wyatt, going through a loss that words can't explain, then ending with me being pregnant all over again.  Oh, wait..... That is my year. 

Please don't take me the wrong way, I am excited that we are expecting again, even better, we did it without any drugs and procedures.  But everything is so, well, THE SAME.  This time last year, tomorrow actually, I was going in for IVF retrieval.  I was told "Things don't look good, we only recovered one egg."  Brian then call it "the golden egg."  Just two weeks later we found out that the golden egg became our precious Wyatt. 

Now, a year later, I sit here with the sun shining through the bay window, thinking that both of my children will have August due dates, literally within days of each other.  I guess that goes hand in hand with Wyatt's way.  Wyatt had a thing about dates, so this only makes sense.  I find myself laughing cause, I will probably go late, and this baby will arrive on Wyatt's due date, just a year later.  Again, this would be Wyatt's way. 

I will be seeing the IVF doctor for the next six weeks, as he can monitor the pregnancy in his office better than my OB.  Ultrasounds every week, and blood work.  But this is the same treatment I received with Wyatt, which scares the crap out of me.  We will see the new baby's heart in two weeks, but it doesn't mean anything.  We saw Wyatt's too, we were told it was beating perfectly, that was not the case.  I began seeing my OB on 1/10/10 (OMG, look at those ones), with Wyatt.  I found out earlier this week I will begin seeing my OB on 1/11/11 (OMFG, look at that), with this baby.  Again, Wyatt's way.  Him and these dates and the number ones.  Lastly, get this:  I conceived this baby, per the doctor, on either 11/10/10 or 11/11/10 (again ones and dates).  INCREDIBLE, huh?  I guess that was why I saw so many number ones.  Wyatt was trying to tell me something. 

I almost feel as though I am about to repeat a year of my life.  I feel like Christmas will be the same, expecting a baby but not showing, and having so many happy dreams to look forward to.  I feel like looking into the new year is the same also.  I will be pregnant and expected to deliver at the same time that I was expected to last year.  It kinda makes me wonder......

Someone, someone very special to me, told me during the summer (when I was at my all time low), that she felt her child was given back to her in a next pregnancy.  With everything about to take place around the same time as it did last year, I have to wonder, is my child being returned to me? 

No, I haven't lost it.  I know that Wyatt and this baby are not THE SAME baby.  But come on..... I can't get pregnant on my own at all with Wyatt.  Then only one cycle of "really" trying I get pregnant and this baby is due basically the same time that Wyatt was due, only a year later.  It isn't coincidence!!!!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Plight of a Child....

This is an amazing story miracle that must be told!  So, grab a tissue, sit back and relax, and enjoy the moment while you read about a miracle that has recently been given to Brian and I. 

This past Sunday, I decided to search FB for my Chinese Horoscope.  Shortly after Wyatt grew his wings, I stumbled across a Chinese Fortune that allowed my mind to ease a bit.  So, I decided why not look for a Chinese Horoscope to help with the holidays.  In finding the horoscope program, I realized it allowed for daily view's.  I viewed Monday, November 22 and it was nothing impressive.  Then I clicked on Tuesday's, and shock and puzzlement set in.  I decided to share it to FB with a comment, see below:

Megan McGrory hmmmmmmmm this is Tuesday's fortune... "The plight of a child may move you..."

Tuesday, November 23
You have a lot of compassion for others today - the plight of a child may move you to actions you would not normally consider. You may be seeking a lasting outlet for feelings that did not seem important to you before, because you want to share something you have learned.

Yes, that was the horoscope.  "The plight of a child may move you...", I was shocked and puzzled.  I was curious as to what this may mean.   A few weeks ago, Brian and I decided it was time to head back to the IVF doctor to see what we could plan for going into the new year.  Would this horoscope have something to do with that?  Would it have to do with another BLM?  What could it mean.  I decided time would tell.

So, yes, Brian and I went back to the doctors since my insurance was now covering all IVF as of January 1, 2011, yes 1/1/11.  Amazing huh?  A sign from Wyatt.  We talked to the doctor about the months to come and what they held in store for us.  We also decided that since we were in the middle of a cycle, we would be monitored only, as we missed the chance for "assistance" (drugs and such) for the cycle.  After blood work and an ultrasound, we were told of the dates of our "homework" and the doctor said, "Call me in two weeks regardless." 

The two weeks went by much faster then they had during the 26 months of trying with Wyatt, probably because we assumed without assistance it wouldn't work.  However, I was starting to get the feeling that maybe that was not the case because Monday, November 22, was the two week mark, but nothing happened.  I am not one who likes to test because of the previous let downs.  So, we waited.  Tuesday, November 23, was one day after the two week mark, still nothing.  I decided it was time to get a test, as I am NEVER late.  In my world, the let down always arrives on time, it never tries to trick me.

After getting the tests and coming home, I decided I couldn't wait until morning.  I thought, "If you aren't, it is going to show, so just deal with the let down now."  The whole time, I held Wyatt's angel pin and prayed he would be with us to help us through whatever happened.  I kissed the pin and told him I love him.  Then I looked down.  I opened my eyes slowly, squeezed the pin hard and realized I couldn't move.  After a minute or so, I got up with the test and took it out to Brian.  He looked at me and then he said, "Shut up?"  I just stood there while holding the test out.  He then said, "I just can't believe it."  We both teared up, I told him that Wyatt was with us and that Wyatt made this happen.  Wyatt decided it was time for him to have a brother or a sister.  And it happened on its own. 

A miracle?  Well, it is something, that's for sure.  It took 26 months and a round of IVF for Wyatt.  We only received one egg in the IVF process and we used all of the insurance money.  We found out about a month ago that IVF was possible again due to the lifetime maximums being lifted.  Now, we find that we created a child on our own. 

We found out on Tuesday, November 23, as Clearblue told us twice that it was real.  Tuesday, was the same day that my horoscope stated "The plight of a child may move you...".  So, now I only ask, the plight of our second child, or the plight of our angel child?  Or both of them working together?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Miracle or Something More?

Do you feel that you sometimes plan more for the worst than you do for the best?  I do.  I had always planned for the worst.  However, I didn't foresee the worst to be losing my little boy, the child we wanted for so very long.  But then again, I didn't foresee a lot of things.  So, I say I plan for the worst, but that is not the case, obviously.  Since Wyatt grew his little wings, I have tried to live differently.  I have tried to live in the moment and pray for the best.  Again, I fell short, because I never thought a miracle would actually take place. 

A miracle is an unexpected event attributed to divine intervention.  A miracle is sometimes thought of as a perceptible interruption of the laws of nature. Others suggest that God may work with the laws of nature to perform what people perceive as miracles. 

The above is the definition of a miracle as it is listed in Wikipedia. 

Something happened in the past two days, something that can't be explained, something that words just do no justice.  I believe it is a miracle which was discussed between Wyatt and God.  I believe that the two of them worked together to ensure this miracle would one day unfold.  But maybe, just maybe it is something so much more. 

I still sit here dumbfounded.  Stunned.  In a state of shock.  I can't believe that life is so very unpredictable.  I can't believe that in a blink of an eye things can be changed so very quickly.  I have witnessed this now twice.  Once on May 26, when I woke up in my normal life only to have it totally changed a few hours later, and again yesterday when life changed yet again.  I have been one who likes to plan and prepare for events but obviously someone or something is trying to prove that there are greater powers that should be doing the planning, not me. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tis the Season of Giving....

It is here, the season of giving.  It arrived on my door step sometime early last Saturday morning.  That was the exact time that I decided it was "only right" to make a holiday card for every BLM that I have become close with on FB or through blogs.  I spent plenty of time making 86 cards to date.  I have posted them on FB and tagged each mother.  I was pleased with myself for giving something to each family at a time of year when the pain from the loss of a child is heightened.  I guess that was me "paying it forward", because I then learned about an awesome Shutterfly promotion.  The promotion is for 50 FREE cards, go figure. 

After receiving the instructions, I reviewed each holiday card and thought of all the possibilities which could be done to create that perfect card from our family.  I thought about the fact that this would be the first Christmas card from our FAMILY.  Many thoughts were being tossed around in my mind, but one major thought was given a lot of focus.  "Would someone want to receive a card with our son on the front, our angel son?"  I gave it even more thought.  I thought about the fact that Brian and I have come so far in just a short time and how we are coping with this holiday season.  Then the light bulb went off.  "Yes!  You will send a card with your family and your angel son on the front.  You will select a card design that will work great with the NILMDTS photo, the one of your family.  You will use this photo on the card because this IS your family.  If the receiver of the card can't appreciate the fact that your family includes an angel, tough.  Having an angel as part of your family is something others can't say for their families, it is what makes our family, OUR FAMILY."  After talking to myself, I selected the most precious card design that fits our family's situation this year.  The card says "Joyful Wishes".  Not Merry Christmas, because it feels like we are missing something for it to be 100% merry.  Not Happy Holidays, because again the happy just isn't 100% there.  But Joyful Wishes.  Joyful - yes.  We have come so far and we find joy in the fact that we have our very own angel.  Wishes - perfect.  Because it is wishes that we will be sending to our little boy this year for Christmas, not gifts.  The perfect card- and it was found in a promotion from Shutterfly. 

The perfect card is not the only item offered by Shutterfly that has helped me through the holiday season this year.  Shutterfly offers photobooks also.  Wonderful, beautiful photobooks.  So far, I have designed and ordered two photobooks that will be cherished and treasured for years to come.  Another gift, regardless of the price, could not take the place of the memories placed inside of the photobooks.  In addition to photobooks, Shutterfly offers calendars.  Everyone uses a calendar, right?  These calendars, yet again, capture memories which have been created.  In my family, memories are everything.  For when you lose someone who meant the world to you, you have nothing but memories left. 

Lastly, Shutterfly offers photo gifts.  Father's Day this year was exteremly difficult for our family.  As most of you know, Wyatt was delivered on June 6.  Father's Day was on June 20, exactly two weeks apart.  Brian wanted nothing more than being a wonderful father.  He wanted a little boy, a son, more than he wanted anything else in the world.  Father's Day was nothing but bittersweet this year, as Brian had a son, but a son who was an angel.  Shutterfly allowed for the perfect gift.  Brian loves his coffee and drinks it every morning, so I decided to order him a coffee mug with Wyatt's picture on it.  Every morning, Brian can now enjoy a cup of coffee while looking at his son. 

Tis the season of giving, right?  Though I thought this meant I needed to give, which is what I decided to this past weekend, I have been able to see that there is one company who strives to give.  Though they probably don't realize it, they give more than just "Free Promotions."  This company gives families something that is worth more than money, more than anything in the world.  They give cherished and treasured memories.  Thank you Shutterfly for providing me the opportunity to turn our family moments into something that will never be forgotten, MEMORIES.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

"Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and you know what?  There are angels too". 

If you would have asked me this time last year if I believed in angels, I would have laughed in your face.  I would have told you that I believe only as far as the old television show called "Touch by an Angel."  The show starred Roma Downey, Della Reese, and John Dye, who played Monica, Tess, and Andrew. 

Now, if you were to ask me today, right now, if I believe in angels, well, my answer would not include laughing or a television show.  Instead, it would include a few stories from the heart and maybe a few tears.  My answer would be greatly different this year.  For Brian and I now have an angel of our very own.  We have witnessed "signs" from our angel that can not and will not ever be explained. 

Below is the exact letter that Virginia wrote to the editor of The New York Sun in 1897.  Please read this letter as it pertains to my entire life right now:

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

And there you have it... My life summed up in The Sun, so it must be true.  I fully agree with the editor’s analogy of man to an ant.  I just provided a similar statement to Brian the other day.  I said, "Have you ever thought about how we are really nothing in the grand scheme of things?  We are merely ants in the world, we have our own little colonies and we just continue to push through.  But really, there is so very much more to life.  It is so much bigger than we really know, so much, that one person will never understand all of it before they leave it." 

Oh, this editor is so correct when he says "The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see."   One has no idea what life is about until they experience and believe in the unknown, the unseeable.  Believing in the unseeable is something that needs to occur in every one's life, but there are many out there who try to stop that from happening.  But not in my life, now that I know and have seen I will never stop believing.  Wyatt taught me not to allow others to cause disbelief.  And yes, just like the editor said, it is the unseeable that is the most real thing in the world. 

So, if you asked me today if I believe in angels, my response would be one similar to that of the response from the editor of The Sun.  It would be a response that many may challenge but only those who BELIEVE will ever understand. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Other Side

"Whoa... A tornado blew through and left a path of destruction, a path that measured one family wide and five months in length." 

This is what was running through my mind as I continued to read word after word in the emails I came across tonight.  A few weeks ago, I remember asking a peer if she still had the "Megan Update" emails that I sent from the hospital while Wyatt and I were being treated.  I thought it would be nice to have them to add to Wyatt's "things", to look back on later down the road.  The emails hadn't been forwarded to me, and I decided that there was probably a reason, so I didn't mention it again. 

Tonight, while reviewing my home emails, I clicked on sent mail instead of inbox, and there they were.  The emails that were sent from me to work while I was still pregnant with Wyatt.  I should have clicked out of them, but I didn't, instead I opened each one and read every single word.  After I had read all of them, I shook my head in disbelief that it really was my life and not a dream.  There are still days when I find myself questioning if the past twelve months (yes, from the time I became pregnant until now) have merely been nothing but a dream.  But that was proven wrong again tonight. 

The first email that was sent, was sent to my manager at the time (even that in my life has changed now), on May 27 (two days after the 28 week ultrasound).  The email discussed everything that was known and that occurred up until that day. 

This was the first email (I did not update the grammar or the incorrect spelling of the procedures or medical terms, as this just proves my state of mind and lack of understanding at the time):

"Good morning -
I figured I would just email you since it would be easier to capture everything.  Basically this is everything that has happened so far:
I arrived at University of Penn last yesterday afternoon and they completed a 1 hour ultrasound.  They found that the baby's left chambers of the heart are severely dilated and don't have much blood flow moving through them.  I have an ecocardiogram (not sure of the spelling) scheduled for this morning.  The gram will be completed by one of the best neonatal cardiologist in the east coast.  Once the ecocardiogram is complete, we will have more information and answers to the lingering questions.  Currently, they can't rule out much without see the baby's heart in details.  However, they are pretty sure that this heart problem is not genetic or a chromosome issue.  They feel is could be and infection, baby not having enough blood, or structural issues.  They last doctor I saw yesterday said that she is pretty sure the baby has structural heart issues (which she stated was good cause with surgery it could be treated.)  Currently, they are concerned with the heart, but the are also concerned because should the baby not get enough oxygen, due to the heart not working right, they will have to deliver.  That being the case, the doctor stated it would be a tough chance for survival as the baby is too small to operate on right now.  We would have to wait the baby to gain an additional 2 pounds.  However, they have put me on Steroids in case after the ecocardiogram they determine they have to due a C-Section (this increases the baby's lung support).
So, basically today is the day for answers.  I have the ecocardiogram around 9ish, more infectious testing later today, and then another steroid shot this afternoon.  Sounds like I will be staying over again tonight also. 

The doctor was going to consult with me later today, after the testing, to discuss what happens next (bed rest, back to work with loads of appts in Philly, etc.)  Just saw a doctor literally just now.  She stated that more to come today, but if the scan shows that can't do anything for the baby, they will send me home but will ask me to return for close watch almost daily.  She stated if they send me home, there is a chance that I may lose this baby.  So, as I told her, time will tell, and there isn't much that I can do right now, as it is out of my hands.  I pray that God is watching out for this little angel, but in the long run, I am sure God will do what is right for the baby. 

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through (harder than IVF and the months of let down), but I am sure with the support of my family, friends, and co workers that we will make it through.  I will continue to update you as we get more information. 

Thanks for your support and concern.  Please say a prayer for this little baby!


So, wow.  That was me holding on to hope and thinking optimistically and really not understanding that there was something severely wrong with my child.  That was me laying out everything I had been told in the previous 24 hours.  The email shows that on May 27 at 7:27:46 AM, the time I sent the email, that I honestly thought that the baby had hope, that the baby had a chance, that things were going to be okay. 

The second email I came across was sent to my manager on May 28, 48 hours after I was told to "go to Labor and Delivery IMMEDIATELY".  The email discussed the updates in the short 24 hours that had passed.  The 24 hours that CHANGED my entire life forever. 

Here is the second email (again not modified):

"Good morning -
Since I really only have time in the morning to myself, I figured I would update you today from yesterday.  So much happened and I only have a few minutes until the DRs come back in.

5/27 -
EKG on baby - findings were that baby has Hydrops in belly (basically a lot of fluid in the abdomen that isn't supposed to be there), and Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  This is the worst kind of congenitive heart failure in the US.  This is the leading birth defect in the US at 42% with 5000 babies born in the US with it every year.  Survival rates for HLHS are higher in babies without Hydrops. Babies with HLHS and Hydrops have less than a 20% survival rate.

Treatment for HLHS and Hydrops - I will be starting medication today to assist with removing stress from the baby's left side of the heart (this side isn't working at all, but is large and is pushing on the right side cause the right side to struggle, therefore causes the fluid in the abdomen as the baby is in distress). 

The entire family, parents included, will be meeting with the Cardio team, NICU team, and my doctors to determine if fetal intervention is the best option to go.  This would require surgery to me and the baby.  They would cut into my accessing the womb, but not cutting into the womb.  Then they would use a laser to help build a hole in the baby's heart to allow flow.  This would buy the baby time have its heart work a little better, stay in the womb to develop a bit more and get strong lungs before being delivered. 

We are also talking about if the baby survives the fetal intervention, that the next steps would be the "norwell procedure".  This was developed by CHOP (Children's hospital of Philly) in 1980.  It is a 4 stage procedure that would allow the baby to live on the one working heart ventricle, so a 2 chambered heart instead of a 4 chamber.  We have several questions for the DRs today about life long impacts, life of heart expectancy, etc. 

As you can see, our baby is high risk.  The doctors said that since our baby has 4 items in the heart that have failed and has the hydrops, chances of survival are basically "Heroic" at this point. 

On a brighter note, due to the everyday the baby can continue to survive in the womb is another miracle, we did finally decide last night to determine the sex of the baby and give the baby a name.  Our baby is a little boy, who currently weighs under 3 pounds.  His name is Wyatt Gavin McGrory and we hope to be able to get him close to full term to deliver our miracle baby!

Thank you for staying in touch with everyone.  It is hard to update everyone as it is hard to have to repeat all of the information, since every time I find myself in tears.  Please keep everyone up to date.  I will be in the hospital at University of Penn for at least a week, just to get on the heart medicines.  If we decide today that we are doing the fetal intervention, that will take place next week and I will be in the hospital for 2 weeks after.  I am not sure of the address here, but my room is Silverstein 0715, and they don't plan on moving any time soon.  My room number is 215-615-8394.  Today will be busy with EKGs, meeting with doctors, amnio test, and stuff.  I would think I would be back in my room after 7p.  Please ask the team to email for now if they want to make contact as I am not prepared to talk to many.  You can give them this email address.

I will touch base with you via phone either tonight (depending on the day) or this weekend.  I really haven't thought about work and don't plan too, but know that I need to discuss Disability and such with you and HR.

Thank you,

Okay, so you can see, I was told that things looked grim.  Yes, Wyatt Gavin was the name we selected but that only stuck for about 4 hours, we changed it to Wyatt James shortly after.  We had to decide on a name without even discussing many names prior.  So, yes, we changed his name, but only once.  I never remembered them saying "heroic" until reading this again tonight.  After reading this, I remember it like it was yesterday.  Our doctor sat across the table from us and while holding back tears of her own she said, "At this point, the chance of your baby surviving is "heroic"".  Damn, what the hell.  Why didn't I actually listen to what these doctors were telling me?  Why didn't I hear it?  They were telling me all along to prepare myself, I was going to lose this baby.  But I didn't hear that.  I only heard what my mind wanted me to believe, that WE could be that very small percent that MAKES IT.  You know, thinking back on it, when I was wheeled away for surgery on June 4, Brian and I never even said goodbye to Wyatt.  We didn't talk to him, we didn't tell him we loved him.  We kissed each other and said "I love you".  That was it.  We honestly thought Wyatt was coming out alive.  We didn't feel the need to say goodbye.  How freakin' naive.

While eating dinner, after reading the emails, I found myself throwing thoughts around in my head.  The thoughts were as follows:

1.  Damn, you were so naive.
2.  If only you knew what the future held, if only.
3.  You knew so little about HLHS and Hydrops, so very very little.
4.  Definitely not in a good state of mind, wording was all wrong in the emails.
5.  The diagnosis and treatment was changed so many times.  (I never realized this until tonight, when reading the daily updates.)
6.  Prayers were not answered the way I had planned.
7.  You have learned so much and come so very very far.

So, I came across those two emails and even a few more that I decided to not publish in this blog (these two said basically the same that the others did, they were just to different people).  I read them word for word.  I thought about them and I cried over the fact that the emails have to be part of my life.  I sobbed over the fact that I really didn't understand what was taking place in my life while it was taking place.  I sobbed harder over the fact that I never said goodbye to my son before surgery, as that was the last time the poor little boy knew what life was like before he got drugged up and operated on, which only resulted in losing the fight that he fought for so long.  I lost it when I realized that there was so much hope, so many prayers and so much love but yet, all the hope, love and prayers couldn't save my son's life. 

I looked back on the past and I sit here with it all opened in my lap and in tears.  Tears as if it was all just happening for the first time.  But guess what?  This time I know what the diagnosis means, I know what the treatment is, I know not only what questions to ask, but I know what to listen for, and lastly, I know the sad outcome.   The baby fights, defeats doctor's expectations, shows so many what it means to really "fight for your life", then loses the battle to medicine, something that offered no hope from the beginning, if I would have only listened. 

Funny how looking back on everything now, I can see so much.  I found a friends blog shortly after the loss of Wyatt.  It was and still is called "On The Other Side".  That fits this post perfectly, "On The Other Side".  Brian and I are now on the other side of the unknown that previously existed, the side that includes grieving, healing, understanding and moving forward.  Wyatt is also on the other side, in Heaven.   

Monday, November 15, 2010

"The Ultimate Gift"

'Tis the Season, right.... Well, it is the season for wonderful movies on the Hallmark channel.  Movies with morals and lessons to be learned.  Everyday from now until Christmas Hallmark plays a different "touching" movie.  I have always loved Hallmark movies around the holidays, as they touch that special spot in my heart.  But this year, like everything else, it's different.  The movies touch the entire heart and even make me go "Uh huh" and nod. 

I am sitting here watching the first Hallmark movie for our house this holiday season.  It is of course touching, as all Hallmark movies are.  But this one caught my attention in so many ways, as it fully depicts the lessons I have learned in life over the past five months and the importance of actually living life and understanding life. 

The movie is about a young man who is about to claim an inheritance from his deceased grandfather.  The grandfather has laid out a list of tasks that the man needs to complete in order to receive the inheritance.  Each task is called a gift by the grandfather, and each teaches the young man a life lesson.  The gifts include:

1. Work as a favor
2. Find one true friend
3. Give someone else who really needs money all the money you earned doing hard work
4. Find one thing that your family is truly thankful for
5. Push through tough times that really mean something to you

After the young man accomplishes all of the tasks, he inherits 100 million dollars, of which he uses to build a wing onto a hospital for families to stay in during their child's stay.  The young man doesn't know it, but the grandfather has an additional 3 billion dollars in store to give to the man. 

But the movie isn't about the money.  No, it is about everything I have learned in the past five months.  It is about the importance of life, love, family and giving not receiving.  It is about the importance of how life must be appreciated and not taken for granted, how the small things in life are given too much time and the large things so many leave without understanding.  It is about how so many take everything for granted.  This movie has made me realize how I have only just begun to understand the large things in life, for I always lived for the small things, only recently did I start to live for the large things.  
There were many quotes which I related to in this movie.  I have listed them below:

~ "You haven't lived until you lost everything." ~
~ "Did you know that God paints each color on the butterflies with his finger tips" ~
~ Young man: "If you could dream, what would your dream be?"  Little girl: "To be with people I love and those who love me" ~
~ "Up until now I have only existed.  I have drifted through life day to day thinking that was enough." ~
~ Young man: "I was expecting a different feeling or something."  Secretary: "That is because you are a different person." ~

I can't even pick one of the quotes to say I relate the most to, because I relate to all of them.  However, my favorite, the one that sums up 2010 for me is "Young man: "I was expecting a different feeling or something."  Secretary: "That is because you are a different person."" 

Yes, I am different, totally 100% different.

A Very Busy Weekend

Talk about a busy weekend.... on the move since Friday, but it was great and every memory created included Wyatt in some way or another. 

Friday night we had dinner with new friends, another family who experienced the same pain that we have been through.  The restaurant selection was wonderful as it had some unique foods.  Unique meaning foods like buffalo, ostrich, kangaroo, and alligator.  I stuck to something traditional, a hanger steak, while Brian had a buffalo burger.  Yummy.

The weekend began and it was beautiful.  The weather was perfect, not to cold, not to hot.  We even opened the windows to let in the warmth.  Brian worked in the yard most of the day and tackled the pool (which is still not finished, but one step closer).  I made chocolate chip and sugar cookie dough, washed my car, and made forty-five holiday cards.  Yes, forty-five, and I am not done yet.  I made cards for family and friends, and special cards for my BLMs. 

Later that day, Brian had a bachelor party for his brother and I decided to begin Christmas shopping.  As I thought, this year was going to be difficult buying for our nieces and nephews and not for Wyatt.  But I found away around it.  Brian and I have always called Wyatt, our little monkey, and every time we see a monkey it reminds us of Wyatt.  So, I decided that some gifts would be Wyatt-related this year.  Below are close ups of two of the gifts I purchased on Saturday, which fulfilled the Wyatt-related requirement:

Brian and his brothers have their birthdays around the same time, so Sunday we went to his dad's house for a birthday dinner.  We also celebrated one of our niece's birthdays, she will be turning one!  This is the start to the holiday chaos.  Every weekend from now until next year, we will have something to do and some place to go.  Nothing kicked off the start of the season better than trying to get a grandchild photo for the grandparents. 

As you can see, it didn't work too well.  Eight children and a monkey make a tough crowd to please.  When one is happy, another is crying.  At one point, four of the eight children were in tears, making the mommies call it off.  We will be trying the photo session again next weekend, with hopes that the eight children and the monkey can all smile together for a picture perfect memory. 

A vacation day was taken by me today.  I enjoyed the time off and got a lot accomplished.  I cooked an awesome dinner (boneless spare ribs) and cleaned the house.  I also found time to start a new baby blanket, pictured below:

And with the mail today came a free gift.  The one from Similac that I FB'ed about last week.  The photo book that we created for Wyatt.  Something about receiving that bright orange Shutterfly envelope gets me every time.  This time, it was because my son's memories were gathered inside.  A perfect way to end a very busy weekend.