Thursday, August 9, 2012


Sadly it has been a while since I posted anything on this blog.  I get upset at myself every day for not posting on here more, but the truth of the matter is, I just can't.  I have been having a hard time dealing with the fact that Wyatt's second "birthday" just passed. Since his party, I have been in a dark spot.  Luckily, Nolan's first birthday was just around the corner and I devoted my time to that.  But since Nolan's party, the pain has come crushing back, even more so.  Nolan's birthday was great, but it made me realize just all I have missed out on with Wyatt.  Yes, I am lucky to have a wonderful gift here with me but I still do and will always miss my little Wyatt.

Like I said, I have been in a dark spot, and today it hit hard when I found out that another little heart warrior had returned to the heavens.  I don't know this little girl personally nor had I ever had the privilege to meet her in person.  But she touched my heart with her heart story and she reminded me of how things could have been if Wyatt was still with us.  Heart surgeries, hospitals, her strength, and her fight.

I still can't believe this little girl is now an angel.  Although losing a son, I just can't imagine the pain and heartache this family is dealing with at this time.  I have found myself in tears multiple times today.  I know the pain a parent feels when they lose a child and to know that another family is going through that pain right now, it just isn't right.  No parent, NO PARENT, should ever experience the loss of a child.  I don't know what pain could ever be worse.

I sit here pondering if Wyatt would have pulled through the surgery would something like this have happened to him.  I will never know.  We never know.  We are given choices and we have to make the best choice at the time that we are presented with it.  We can live life asking the what if's, but would it change anything?  We are given life but we don't know for how long.  Life is something to be treasured for whatever the short period that we have it for.  Some life is longer than other, but in the end it is not the length that matters.  Some of the greatest warriors I have known are those who have lived very VERY short lives.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

He was remembered

Well, the day arrived... His second birthday.  I can't believe it has been two years since we were last together.  That is a long time for a mother and child to be apart.  Today wasn't nearly as hard as last year but there were several tough tugs to the heart.  I didn't lose it and managed to hold it together well today.  There have been times where the tears started to form but I choked them back, thought about everything that has happened in two years, and moved forward.

It was a beautiful day outside.  The skies were blue and the air was fresh.  I told myself I was going to enjoy this day as it would be the first birthday in three years out of the hospital.  I did make the most of it.  I found a feather by my bed, a sign.  I know he was near.

The birthday wishes piled in for Wyatt and I.  Pictures of lit candles, his names, or friends and family wearing blue were post on FB.  I loved seeing it all.  He was remembered and that was all that mattered.

It's been two years but it seems like just yesterday that I held my little warrior, my little monkey, my Wyatt.  Love and miss him so very much.

Photos from friends and family in remembrance:

~ Aunt Lisa

Thought of you when I saw this baby Wyatt! ~ Aunt Lisa

~ from Caroline

~ from Melissa

~ from Danielle

~ from Aunt Callie, Shaelyn, Breah, and Avery

~ from Lauren

~ from Aunt Heather

~ from Nolan your little brother

~ from Daddy (a monkey in your bush)

~ from Mommy and Daddy
We love you with all our hearts!

~ from Mommy
A Mommy with her boys!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow Party

We celebrated Wyatt's second birthday this past Sunday, June 3.  We decided to invite only our immediate families and we did a BBQ and a balloon release.  After countless hours of searching the web for ideas to stick with a rainbow theme, it seemed to all come together in the end.

We had to purchase more balloons which resulted in Brian being late for the start of the party, all because I decided to be cheap and get the helium tank to do it myself.  I didn't it the night before and well, the morning of the party I woke up to balloons laying all over the kitchen floor.  Ah well, live and learn.

The party was a success and the release went as planned.  Of course, it always rains when we do something for Wyatt and this was no different.  After the release it poured, the wind was crazy, and it even hailed.  The moon bounce blew across the yard and my Dad caught it, thank God.  I seriously think that Wyatt was just sending a sign saying that he wanted more balloons.  LOL

I read a poem just before the balloon release.  This year the poem I selected was called Little Snowdrop.

Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Here are photos from Wyatt's 2nd birthday:

Rainbow on the inside...

and on the out!

Rainbow cake to go with the cupcakes

Nolan playing with the 100 water balloons that I filled but we never got to use

Rainbow fruit

Veg dip - yum

Rainbow apps!!!

Rainbow balloons - second set since the first were on the floor when we woke up in the morning

"Mommy, we are sending all of these to brother?"

"Let me get some of that!!"

"Gramps, thanks for the cold dog... it's really good!"

Getting ready for the release

Rainbow release

Mommy, Daddy, and little brother

Poem time

They are coming to you baby.. 

Somewhere over the rainbow you will catch them

They looked as if they were glowing

Hard to see but still glowing

Clouds and rainbow

Rainbow pretzel rods

Wyatt's special box

All for our son, Wyatt James

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Birthday Gift

My dearest Wyatt,

I just ordered your birthday present.  I wish I could give you so much more but it's so hard with you in Heaven.  I know that you look down to us every day, I just wish you were here with us.  I decided to order you a garden flag with your photo on it for your special garden.  I can't wait until it arrives so Daddy and I can place it next to your stone.  We love you and miss you so very very much.  I still can't believe the tomorrow is your second birthday already.

Brother was so cute today.  I allowed him to stand up against your cabinet and he was just talking away and tapping at the glass.  It was as if he was talking with you.

Well, I wanted to let you know that your present is ordered and will hopefully be in soon.

Love you very much,


Thick of it

Today I find myself among the thick of it.  Two years ago today was a day I tried to hang onto forever.  I had already awoke from a surgery that took your little life and I was told that I needed to deliver you as soon as I could.  I recall telling the doctor that we would wait until Sunday.  I was too weak to push due to the surgery but the main reason for the wait was my selfishness.  I wanted you to remain with me for as long as possible.  You were safe and sound still inside my womb and I didn't want to face the hard reality of the fact that you were really gone.  

It didn't matter what I wanted, you had your own plan.  Though my body went into labor just hours after the surgery, your didn't arrive until Sunday.  There wasn't much to the delivery.  A few pushes and you were out.  You were so tiny and fragile.  I remember thinking how much you resembled your Uncle Ryan.  

Yes, today I find myself in the thick of it.  No, not the pain, but of the memories of two years ago.  The memories of the worst ten days of my entire life.  The remembrance of the events leading up to your delivery.  And I cherish the wonderful moments, though too brief, that you were with us.  I will forever remember the moment when you were place in my arms, the moment when I officially became your Mommy.  

Every day I miss you more and more.  I find myself understanding more than I ever have before about life and the shortness of it all.  I realize that one day Daddy and I will be with you again and it gives me hope.  I also know that you are with loving family and you now have Mommom with you, who will love you as much as I.  

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Holding His Hand

I haven't ever actually gone back to read any of my blog post on this blog as I have always feared it would be too hard to revisit those dark days.  However, tonight I found myself wondering where I was and how far I have come in the past two years.  Since I knew I couldn't revisit posts or the entire story because it would tear open the scar in my heart, I decided to just pull up the post from this day last year.  Here is the post.

It's funny.  After reading that post there is so much that has changed yet so much is still the same.  I don't work any more, something I never dreamed could be possible.  I was laid off with a corporate lay off back in November.  I don't speak in the "bank jargon" any longer.... peer, um no!  BUT, I do still hate turning the calendar each month.  I was actually going to get up to look to see if I had changed the calendar to June today, but I know I didn't.  It is something I thought about but put off because I knew what it meant.  He would have been two in five days.

I remember the doctor coming in after I woke up from the surgery on June 4.  He told me that we needed to deliver Wyatt as soon as possible for many reasons.  I told him that I just couldn't do it yet.  I said I just can't, not right now and I had just been cut from hip to hip so it was impossible to push.  He agreed but said, "tomorrow is the day then because your birthday is on the sixth and we don't want you to share your birthdays."  He was serious.  He continued with, "delivering him on your birthday will be hard psychologically." I think about his statement all the time, but this time of the year is the worst.  WTF!  Did he not bother to the consider the fact that regardless of the day that it would always be hard psychologically?  A-fucking-mazing!  I say this to myself all the time about that doctor.

Although the doctor had his own thoughts and theories, Wyatt and God got there way (as it should have been).  Wyatt was delivered on my birthday, something that I cherish every single day.  I am blessed to share my birthday with my son.  That doctor couldn't have been more wrong.

Although another year has passed, I sometimes still feel like I am back in 2010.  So much has changed in my life, but many of the same feelings and emotions still remain.  This year we will not only remember Wyatt, but we will remember my Mommom also.  Sadly we lost her to cancer at the end of last year.  Two nights before she passed, I whispered in her ear to find Wyatt when she got there.  I know she heard because she woke up and said to me, "What's wrong?"  That was Mommom.  Something was always wrong.  This year is just as tough as last, but I know that my Mommom is up there with Wyatt.  She knows that we celebrate Wyatt's day.  

This was Mommom watching them go up last year.

This year, she will be holding his hand awaiting their arrival.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Last of the old life

Two years ago today, about two hours from now was the last time I lived the old life I knew.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  My mom emailed me at about this time at work.  The email said, "Are you getting excited?  You will get to see the baby again very soon."  I remember thinking that I wasn't as excited about this scheduled ultrasound as I had been the first one.  We weren't finding out the sex of the baby and this was just to ensure that the low laying placenta had corrected itself. 

I remember getting to the ultrasound office and walking back.  I got up on the table and my biggest concern was ensuring that Brian could see the screen.  We told each other we were still not going to find out the gender if the tech asked us.  After laying on the table, the tech started the scan.  It was silence.  Being naive, I just assumed she was getting the pictures she needed and then she would allow us to see the baby.  I was wrong.  She continued taking images and pressing buttons on the machine.  I looked at Brian and he gave me this look that said, "I don't know what is going on."  I gave the same look back.  The tech finished and said, "Okay, you can wipe off.  Don't be surprised if the doctor calls you tomorrow.  Did he say anything about your size?"  I said, "Yes, he thought I was really large in measurement but he knew I was having this scan so he said this would show if there was anything concerning."  I asked if we could have a photo of the ultrasound, since we received several the time before.  The techs response, which I will never forget, was "No, not this time.  You will probably be back for another scan, maybe then."  I remember swallowing hard and walking out. 

That was it.  We went home to wait.  We were worried, yes.  But not like we should have been.  We had absolutely NO clue what we were about to come face to face with, no clue.  I am actually sitting here shaking my head.  If only I would have had some understanding, something.  I was so worried about cleft palate and not finding out the gender.  I never, NEVER, thought about anything else going wrong.  Thinking back now, I should have been so much more worried.  But I wasn't.  I was so very uneducated on medical conditions that could result in late term loss.  It wasn't something that had entered my mind.  No.  Instead, I remember sitting at home and telling Brian that the placenta must still be low.  If only that was it. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012


The signs have been seen a lot this week, I think he knew I needed them.  I have hit the point where I am starting to reference back to the dates two years ago.  You know the "on this day two years ago..." or "two years ago today was the last...".  Right, not healthy.  The signs are keeping me sane right now.  In the past I could lose it and it didn't matter.  Now I have a baby to take care of and losing it is impossible.  To see the 5:55 or the bill that comes to $7.77, it helps me realize that everything is okay as he is still near.

Silly, maybe.  But how do you know it isn't real?  Two butterflies came to visit my mom and I on the beach last week.  This was just after we were discussing my mommom, who passed at the end of last year.  The first one was larger in size and seemed more masculine.  The second was petite and had more feminine colors.  They continued to visit while we sat on the beach.  There's a feeling that comes over me when signs happen like that.  It's something that I can't explain and don't expect anyone to ever understand.  But I know the sign is real. 

Mother's Day is this weekend.  I have been a mother for two years, this will be the third Mother's Day for me but only the first where I can hold and kiss my child the entire day.  Mother's Day like other days is something that is bitter sweet for me.  Something only another mother who has experienced the loss of a child could ever understand.  My husband asked what I wanted for Mother's Day and I never responded.  The honest response would be something that no one would be able to give, so I kept the request to myself. 

I saw this cute craft on Pinterest the other day and I loved it.  I thought of asking for something similar for Mother's Day, but I changed my mind.

Pinned Image

I gave it a lot of thought, but I just can't have something like this hanging in my home.  It wouldn't be complete and that is all I would think about every time I looked at it.  The picture is cute and it looks like a fun family craft, but I just am not ready to hang something that is missing the participation of one of our family members.

I read a post tonight and it moved me.  I have been following this blogger since the loss of Wyatt and every time she posts on the subject for losing a child I feel the connection.  The post can be found HERE.  The piece that touched me the most was this:

"Nothing quenches the longing in our hearts for our children who died. Nothing. And this is how it should be. The place in our hearts- the one which belongs to our beloved child- is theirs and theirs alone. Our duty is to honor that place, to keep it free from detritus and from absorbing the hate of the world. Our duty is to remember them so this place which is theirs is one of beauty, a beauty beyond the material. Our duty is to love them boldly, wildly, with every part of our being, and to carry their spirit into the world." 

She couldn't have said it better.  My duty to my son Wyatt is to honor and love him forever.  To carry his memory and share his story to the world.  He is to live through me.  And this he will, now and forever.  I will continue to remember him, hold him in my heart, and never let his space be taken.  He is our first son, our "Golden Egg", our miracle and our angel. 

What I have realized while typing this is that although what I want for Mother's Day is impossible to have, I have something else.  I have an angel who watches from above and a child who lives with us.  Our angel watches over us with endless love while our child living with us brings us endless joy and smiles.

Monday, May 7, 2012

It's Coming

I have been doing fine for the past few months but all that is about to give way.  I feel the boards that have been nailed across my heart to protect it about to be ripped off painfully.  I can't stop it from happening since I don't know how the boards actually got there.  Maybe they were placed when we found out we were having our little rainbow.  I think they may have been slowly put up after the arrival of our rainbow.  But as the month is drawing near, these boards are about to be torn, slowly, one at a time from a heart that never healed. 

I shouldn't say the heart never healed.  The heart mended itself but it didn't heal the way it was before.  It will never be the way it was before.  There will always be a piece of this heart missing.  Part is here but the rest is in Heaven.  Part is here and the rest is still back in 2010.  Part is here and the rest is with my son, the one that I long to be with again.

Two years will be in less than one month, how can this be?  He is supposed to be here.  He should be playing with his little brother.  He should be running around, playing, and laughing.  But he isn't.  Instead, life has move on without ever hearing the sound of his voice.  He never even took a breath of air.  He would have been two this year. 

I want to be strong and remain strong for his second birthday, I pray that I am. But I feel the pain. I know it is there. It never went away. It never will. I will live with this pain for the rest of my life. I have learned to manage the pain though there are times when it seeps through. There are days that the pain is worse than others.

That's all I can type at this point.  I just can't bear the pain.  The heartache that the loss of a child brings to a mother is one that no one can ever explain.  There just aren't words to explain the pain, the hurt, and the emptiness.  The best way I can describe it for now is hollow with hurt beyond belief. 

It's coming.... more pain, more heartache.  Another year without him.  He would be two. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I was wrong

Well, I was wrong....

I thought for sure everyone would attend Wyatt's party this year without any issues, concerns, or problems.  This is not the case.  Well, they will be attending but only because it is being hosted on a Sunday.  WTH.

I was basically told that someone else's birthday was more important.  Someone who isn't even family.  Really?  This from my own family. 

I guess I was wrong in thinking that everyone still felt that Wyatt was so close.  I could never imagine choosing a friend over a family member, but maybe I am incorrect. 

Well, the party will go on with or without everyone.  Wyatt is my son, our son... and we will be there to give him the party he deserves. 

I understand that when others pass their birthdays aren't celebrated.  However, most of the time they have lived to celebrate several birthdays, not that this means their birthday should be celebrated. 

I ask this - if you lost a child and you decided to celebrate their birthday would you want your immediate families there?

Party for an angel

We decided that we would continue to host a BBQ and balloon release for the immediate family on Wyatt's birthday.  It was something that we gave great thought to, and we went back and forth with including the families or not.  We thought maybe just doing something with our family and not include our immediate families, but after long consideration, we decided to include everyone. 

Now, do I expect everyone to come.... NO.  We have had a lot of family support remembering Wyatt and honoring his life.  There hasn't been any issues with anyone not wanting to include him.  Many of his cousins still talk of him and his aunts, uncles, and grandparents love him.  Each holiday when the other children receive their gifts, three of the five grandparents include him and make sure he has something as well.  This simple gesture speaks a great deal to me and means so very much.  But no, I don't expect everyone to join us this year. 

Over the past year, some of the extended family has made a few comments that have allowed me to see how they really felt about our loss.  For this I am sorry for them.  They must not understand how precious life is and how touching life can be regardless of the length of life.  So this year, I don't expect to have extended family join, but I am sure and I hope that our immediate families would continue to participate. 

Whatever happens, we will continue to remember our little angel every year.  He brought us joy, made us parents, and fought very hard for his little life.  We know that he his waiting for us and has recently been joined by his loving Mommom.  Until we can meet again, we will continue to honor him and remember him here on Earth. 

This year Wyatt's party theme will be "Somewhere over the rainbow".  I can't wait to get everything prepared for his big day.  I just pray that he will be having a huge party in Heaven while we host one here. 

Here is a sneak peak of his invitations:

And how much did they cost, you may ask.... Well, they were free thanks to a promo code from Tiny Prints.  I simply had to pay for shipping, that's it.  :)

Saturday, March 31, 2012


It's that time of the month again (no not that... lol), it's time to flip the calendar to a new month.  One would think that after twenty-one months that the twenty-second month would be a bit easier.  It isn't.  Almost twenty-two months ago my life, as I once knew it, had ended.  I didn't knew it then, but nothing would ever be the same.... nothing.

I recall seeing a post recently about before loss and after.  The post was basically saying life is looked at as before the loss and after the loss.  I kinda looked at it like before Christ and after Christ (if you believe in that).  Life isn't supposed to be divided up in two, but mine is.  Many who have lost a loved one (child or parent) have their lives divided into two.  Mine can now be considered before losing Wyatt and after losing Wyatt. 

Why you ask?  Well it's simple.  The loss of a child causes a pain that nothing, no one, and not even time can heal.  Life will always be different.  There is a consant void that will never be filled.  A nagging pain in the heart that will never be mended. 

Life continues to move forward.  Parents may have other children.  Happiness may appear to be present.  The saddness may not be present on their faces, but it's still there.  It is just buried deep down inside.

The saddness is buried deep but the pain is still on the surface.  The hard swallows to hold back tears are always present.  The feeling of your heart skipping a beat because of the nagging pain, yes it is still there.  The wonder of what his life would have been is always a question that is present.  The pain of losing him is always on the surface....... always.

"There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were." ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Monday, March 5, 2012

Wyatt Bear

I received a package today, the mail lady pulled into my driveway and hand delivered the priority mail package.  I walked out with Nolan to get the package and questioned the whole way back in who it could be from. 

When I saw the shipping label I got so excited.  It was from Molly Bears, I couldn't believe it! 

I opened the package and lifted the brown fuzzy bear out.  He was weighted.... 3 pounds 13 ounces... just like Wyatt. 

I can't explain what it was like to hold this bear, who I know isn't Wyatt, but it felt so really.  The moment that is, to hold this bear who weighs what Wyatt did at delivery.  What an incredible feeling!!

None of this would have been possible without countless donations and sponsors to this organization. 

A huge thank you to everyone involved.  And many thanks and hugs to my sponsor for making Wyatt bear a reality. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

What To Do

Man, I just don't even know where to start.  It has been a long time since I have really wrote here and I have been thinking about why over the past few days.  I have come to the conclusion that it is mainly because I really don't even know what to say.  I have been gone for so long and so much has happen I just don't even know where to begin, but I decided I had to visit here tonight.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit disconnected with the rest of life.  Things were great and going smooth, Nolan's birth brought a lot of peace and happiness and smiles returned to our home.  But over the past few weeks, I have been feeling a slight tint of those black clouds covering over part of my rainbow.  I can't put my finger on what exactly it is, why I have this feeling, or what is bringing back the clouds.  I just know they are off in the distance but closer than they have been in a while. 

It could be the loss of my job or maybe the uncertainty of the future.  Maybe it is just the fact that I watch my baby grow up but know that our family is still missing one.  Whatever it is, the dark clouds need to move east so I can see my rainbow more clearly. 

I am currently trying to determine my next adventure in life.  Do I try to return to my old employer, move to another employer, or do something for me for once.  Do I want to go back to school and become that daycare director for once and for all?  Or do I sit with a pencil and paper (well, laptop now that it is 2012) and start what I have always wanted do to.  I seriously think the clouds have returned mainly because of what I want to do deep down in my heart.  I just don't know if what I want to do is something that I can do just yet.  The time is perfect since I am not working and I have the time to do it but I just don't think emotionally I can do it yet. 

I have thought a lot about it, more than I probably should because I doubt anything will ever come of it.  I have researched the steps, thought about the layout, started the first step, and even had a light bulb moment the other day that could make everything come together.  I just don't know if I can actually do it. 

What to do... what to do...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

For A Reason

It has been a while since I wrote here but it is mainly because I have been so busy with little Mr. Nolan.  There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of our special angel Wyatt.  Christmas was tough again this year without our little Wyatt, and watching my Mommom get sicker and sicker by the minute through the holiday didn't make it any easier. 

Mommom got sick right after Wyatt passed and she never got better.  She developed cancer and it just over took her entire body.  Going through the loss of another family member brought back a lot of the same feelings and pain I felt when we lost Wyatt.  After a year and a half I still can't find words for these feelings (I probably never will), but you basically feel empty.

We knew my Mommom was sick but since we spent a lot of time with her, we didn't notice the decline as much as others may.  I am still in shock that she is gone for the fact that a week before she went into the hospital she was driving and getting Nolan diapers.  Just doesn't make sense.

Although some of the same feelings returned with the loss of Mommom, accepting her leaving was much easier.  I told myself that Wyatt now had someone with him who was alive with me when I lost him.  I know that may sound selfish, but that was my way of watching my Grandmother die and getting through her services. 

I find myself now at home without a job (because I was laid off in November) and think a lot.  I think about the what ifs (yes, still), the what could have beens, and the whys.  I never come up with answers, just unanswered questions that seem to fill my head.  I tell myself to brush it off and get back to life, but sometimes I think that is and will always be part of my life... the wondering and the unanswered questions.

Just today I found myself asking the following questions:
- Why did I have to go through so many attempts with getting pregnant only to lose my first child?
- What did I do so wrong to have to return my first child before hearing him cry, seeing his eyes, holding him while he breathed, and before I could tell him I love him?
- I questioned why God takes the good ones but leaves the rotten ones.
- Why was I laid off, what did I do so wrong for a place that I gave so much?
- What does my future hold?

Over the past few months, I have realized that God has a plan and the statement that he only gives you what you can handle is so very very true.  After watching my Mommom get sicker each day, I went to the hospital one night and had to watch her breathe.  Her breathing was bad and it had gotten worse, I knew then that she was leaving.  That was the night I lost it.  How in the hell could he take someone else from our family?  Why not someone else's family?  After getting past those questions (again unanswered), I moved on to the reality of the situation.  She is going to be free from pain and with my Wyatt. 

I recall going home and calling my dad the next day.  I told him something that I never thought I would say.  I told him that I was glad I made the decision and requested that Brian agree to the decision to go through with the surgery for Wyatt.  He asked me why and I responded with, "because, the doctors said he probably wouldn't pull through either way (with the surgery or without).  I am glad we did the surgery and had the medicine to put us both to sleep.  I know that my baby was sleeping and felt nothing, he just never woke up."  With tears steaming down my face, I held onto the phone and continued, "I just watched my Grandmother struggle to breathe and it was terrible.  You could see she was in so much pain and there was nothing you could do.  I couldn't imagine holding my tiny baby, watching him try to breathe, and finally take his last breath."  My dad said this to me, "Meg, I never wanted to tell you that, but maybe it all happened the way it did for a reason."  All I said back was, "yep."