Since creating a FB account, after telling myself I would never have one, I have utilized the account for many things. To connect with old friend, to meet new friends, to meet others who have experienced the same pain from the loss of a child, and for fun. However, there is one application that has appealed to me since the beginning, and it doesn't fall into any of the categories above. The application is called "Message from God". Each day, you can retrieve your message from God by clicking the application. For many days, I have been clicking to receive a message, for more than 120 days actually. (Wow, 120 days, that is a whole different blog post) Each day I look forward to clicking for the message because I try to correlate the message to my life. Something fun that I like to do.
But today, the message that was received, didn't require me to find the correlation of the message to my life. Today's message was straight and to the point. Today's message had been provided to me from someone else just hours before clicking this message.
The "Message from God" today was:
On this day, God wants you to know.....
... that there is no such thing as a problem without a Divine gift hidden within it. You have these problems because you need the gifts they carry within.
Okay, so quick rewind on the past five months of my life. Actually, the past four years. Ready?! Loss our son, HLHS and Hydrops Fetalis, low laying placenta, only one egg retrieved from IVF, many failed IUI's, clomid and injections not working, 26 months of failed attempts, let's try for a family, one year of marriage, our wedding day. So there you have it, the quick rewind. Four years of marriage which have resulted in pain, grief, sadness, and weakness. But with that came strength, love, understanding, caring, and a bond that will never be broken.
Today was the first time Brian and I returned to our IVF doctor, since our 10 week gestational visit with Wyatt. The appointment went as excepted. A lot of questions from the doctor, conversation around Wyatt's pregnancy, somber apologies and many caring statements. After reviewing the chart and taking more notes, the doctor said in the most sorrowful of tones, "I just don't understand it. From the beginning, this has been a story. God has a balance sheet, but it just doesn't seem fair." I agreed. He continued by saying, "There is a reason." I said, "Oh good, when you find it please let me know what it is, because I have been searching and I have found none."
The response I received, I appreciated. The doctor looked up from his paperwork and calmly said, "It's not for us to find. It will present itself to us within the next year. I know it. When it is ready, it will present itself, we can't search for it, it will come to us." As you can see, the message from God has been presented to me twice today. Once by a doctor, who created my son who is now with God, and once in a "Message from God".
Four years of marriage with problems of conceiving has brought us the gifts of understanding, caring, listening, and love. Losing our son has given us the gift of an angel, appreciation of life, and peace. And today's doctor visit, as well as my "Message from God", has allowed for a greater knowledge of it all.