Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Raising the Awareness

Over the past few days, well since my latest hard cry, I feel like life is looking a bit more positive. 

I have come to realize, only after seeing a photo of my nephew today, that Wyatt is in a better place.  I saw Wyatt in that picture, he looked puffy due to the many steroids and drugs he would have been required to take.  He was not smiling and he looked like he was suffering.  It was that moment when I realized he is where he belongs, we made the right decision, and we were and always will be the best parents to him possible.

I realized that Brian and I would see Wyatt again when the time is right.  But we now have to focus our attention on the gift that Wyatt sent us in November. 

"We all have our time machines.  Some take us back, they're called memories.  Some take us forward, they are called dreams."  ~ Jeremy Irons

The quote above says so much about my life right now.  I hold only memories of my first born, my Wyatt James.  And I look to only dreams of what we can have with our second child, Nolan James.  Memories and dreams, what more can one ask for?

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point."  ~ Unknown.

This quote gets to me but I like it.  It gets to me because I will never let go, I will never let go of my Wyatt.  He will be a part of me forever.  No one and nothing will ever take him away from me.  However, I get what the quote is saying.  I needed to realize that Wyatt was in the right place to fully begin to move forward.  Today that happened. 

But of all the quotes I found today, this last one is the one that has impacted me the most.

"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness."  ~ James Thurber

I know more know about CHDs then I did when Wyatt was diagnosed.  That day, the day when Wyatt was diagnosed, was nothing but a whirl wind.  I knew nothing about CHDs, the treatment, the life expectancy, I knew nothing at all.  Today, I am filled with knowledge about CHDs and I will do everything to raise awareness. 

Wyatt was placed here for a reason and it is my life goal to show the world his reason by raising the awareness.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wyatt's Wishes on Facebook!!

Wyatt's Wishes now has a page on Facebook.....

Please go out a like the page to show your support:  facebook.com/wyattswishes6610

There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world!!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Many Miles Still to Walk

I caught myself starring at Wyatt's photo today, the one on my desk that was taken by NILMDTS.  I mentally reminded myself that my life is not a dream.  "Yes, he was here for a short time and he had to return home.  He is no longer here with you." 

For whatever reason, the past week has been difficult.  I try to be strong for Nolan, as I tell myself that it isn't fair to him.  Wyatt didn't have to deal with his mother crying all the time, so why should Nolan.  But ultimately the tears come out.  I think this time I held them in too long. 

I felt Nolan move today for the first "real" time.  I am sure I have felt him before, but the flutters were too light to be positive.  Today I felt him multiple times.  A mother should be happy to feel her unborn child, right?  I was, but I wasn't.  I was pleased to feel my son move and know that he is there, growing and strong.  But it was yet another sad reminder of the fact that Wyatt is no longer with us. 

I understand my boys are two different children, believe me, I don't have issues with this.  What I am struggling with are the constant reminders of what it was like when Wyatt was alive.  The maternity clothes, same cravings, the stretching pains in my sides, and now the tiny little flutters.  To this day, I haven't had cherries, for that was the last thing I ate while Wyatt was still living inside me. 

I would love to not have the reminders, but how is that possible when there are no other reminders of Wyatt while he was alive.  I never heard him breathe or cry.  I never looked into his eyes.  I never held my child while he was alive to tell him that I love him.  These are all things that I hope to do with Nolan.  Special times with a child who is a precious gift from God and his brother. 

A year ago, I never would have thought that I would be like so many others I knew, a mother who lost a child.  Six months ago, I didn't think I was going to be able to pull through.  Three months ago, I was still in shock that we were pregnant again, ON OUR OWN.  And today I sit here wondering what the next few months will bring. 

It sure is amazing how much someones eyes can be opened in such a short period of time.  Amazing how much they can come to understand and realize.  Then they look ahead and see the many miles still to walk, the countless hurdles still to jump, and the thousands of obstacles still to maneuver around. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Special Gifts on Valentine's Day

We told each other we wouldn't get anything, we weren't going to celebrate this Hallmark day.  But at 4:30p I received a call at work, a special call.

He told me that he purchased a card and wanted to fill it out prior to coming home, in case I was there.  He explained that as he was signing Wyatt's name, Wyatt's song came on the radio (yes, that one... If I Die Young, by The Band Perry). 

This was the second time something like this happened.  While reading his birthday card in November, he read Wyatt's name and his cell phone rang.  His ring tone is Wyatt's song. 

It's like Wyatt is there, right there with us.  It is something that you just can't understand until you experience it. 

Upon arriving home, after stopping to get a card and crabs since we were now celebrating the Hallmark holiday, I received the card.  It's a card that means so much to me in so many ways.  One monkey on the front, Wyatt.  And two monkeys on the inside, Wyatt and Nolan. 

~ Front of card ~

~ Inside of card ~

In addition, he purchased a beautiful garden stone with a gorgous blue butterfly on it.  He stated it could be placed right next to Wyatt's garden stone that was given to us in memory of our Wyatt at Christmas.  How thoughtful!!!!

He is wonderful, thoughtful, sensitive and loving.  He cares for his wife, his angel baby, and his unborn son.  He is my husband and he ensured I received some very special gifts on Valentine's Day, and included our sons!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Forever, Wherever

I saw my sign yesterday, it was in the sky.  I thought for a moment that I may be mistaken, but I wasn't.  It was there, a darker blue compared to the rest of the sky.  It was early morning on my drive into work.  For some reason I was earlier than normal. 

The sky seems to all look the same, with the exception of this one spot.  I thought I was seeing things but after looking away and looking back, I realized it was still there.  No, not a design, but a darker blue that was separated from the rest of the sky. 

The color pattern looked like a cartoon bubble, you know, the one they use when the character is saying something.  The one with the little circle bubbles.  There was a large oval in the sky of the darker blue, then the color veered up higher in the sky and formed little circles, like a path, that I was to follow. 

I immediately thought of Wyatt.  Like it was his way to tell me that he was right there, right there that very moment, watching me drive to work. 

I realized that I was almost at my exit and that I had paid more attention to the sky than I had given to the road.  I smiled and felt the warmth take over my heart.  I sat back in my seat with the realization that he will be with me forever, wherever I go. 

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Raising Awareness

This month is American Heart month, as declared by President Obama.  Click here to see President Obama's proclamation.  Part of the proclamation says:  "NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim February 2011 as American Heart Month, and I invite all Americans to participate in National Wear Red Day on February 4, 2011." 

So there I was, laying on the couch last night, when I found myself watching the Barbara Walter's special about heart disease and heart surgeries.  She discussed her own surgery, and interviewed David Letterman, Robin Williams, and former President Clinton.  Each interview discussed how painful the surgery was and how after the surgery each individual felt horrible.  While watching, I managed to get out, "And we wonder why these children struggle to pull through." 

Toward the end of David Letterman's interview with Barbara Walters, David talked about depression.  He said something along the lines of sad is sad, grief is grief, but depression is like a black hole, it is bad.  After hearing how David Letterman summed up depression, I thought back to my life this summer.  I realized very quickly that the black hole he referenced was my home for several months this past year. 

Though I am glad that when I turned on the television last night I saw heart awareness taking place, I am still upset at the fact that they only focused on adult heart disease.  Not one station mentioned infant heart disease, the Norwood procedure, or the number of congenital heart defects that occur each year.

However, that will hopefully be different on February 14, which is CHD Awareness day.  Perfect, right?  Remembering our little heart fighters on Valentine's day, what other day could be better?  You can read more about CHD Awareness day by clicking here.