Since I was up and was moving, I decided I should do something productive. I decided today would be a great day to bake holiday cookies. I mixed the sugar cookie batter and placed it in the fridge to set. Then I began thinking of how the day had been going. Although it was the sixth, it was going pretty well. The tears weren't flowing, my heart wasn't throbbing (it was hurting but not throbbing), the tude was under control, and I was actually skipping through the house. Could it be, am I becoming a bit like my old self again, the Megan before the life altering change?
After waiting the two hours for the dough to set, I pulled the batter out of the fridge and started using the cookie cutters to make the holiday cookies. Of course, rolling and cutting sugar cookies takes time, so I had plenty of time to think. I found myself thinking of the fact that today we just hit the five month mark of losing our precious son. Five months is a long time, don't you think?
Five months since June 6 is exactly one hundred and fifty-two days, and to be honest with you, I only remember two of them. I remember the day my son became an angel, and the day that we said our last goodbye. That means, there are one hundred and fifty days of my life that I lived and have no idea what I did, no concept of things that occurred, and no understanding of anything that really happened.
In that very moment, I remember placing the first snowman on the cookie sheet to bake. I looked at this little cutout and thought, "How can you live for one hundred and fifty-two days and only remember two of them? Is this what Wyatt would want? If it was reversed and Wyatt was living and Mommy died, Mommy would want Wyatt to live and remember living. So start living for Wyatt, start remembering." With that, I took a toothpick and etched our names into cookies for Santa.
The stale taste of the fact that today is the sixth day of the month is still there. But it is different. I understand the importance of having to live and remember. Making holiday cookies is not something I would have ever thought could help me down this road. However, on this sixth day of the month, I made holiday cookies, and I spent the day baking out the blues.