Today's post is one that I have to get out there. When you read it, I don't want you thinking, "She was improving and now she is falling backward again." If you think that you are wrong. No, that is not the case. However, this is just another way of becoming happy, getting out the feelings and explaining me. Believe me, I am the happiest I have been since May 26 and today, like yesterday, things continue to get better.
Today, I found myself responding to a statement I received about why I sounded different. It wasn't something that I had planned on really responding to, but I eventually realized I had to do it. It was lingering in my mind and I had to provide a response to the statement.
So this was my response:
"Sound different, yea, cause I am. Life is not what it used to be. Everything is different. Everything. The way I get out of bed, different. The way I breathe, different. The way I view things, from sights, to words, all different. The way I look at life, different. It is all different, and it will never be the same. So, yea, different. That is for sure, that is my life, DIFFERENT. You selected a good word to use, different basically sums it all up. Please know that not all is different in a bad way. Some of this different is good. Some is positive, but most is just, here we go again, different. When living for 30 years and seeing things one way, to have to change how those same these are viewed is extremely difficult. It is called change, and although that is life, it is hard when it is forced on someone.
To live life with a plan and then have that plan crushed so hard and fast, is painful. It hurts, it’s the worst pain ever. To finally pull away enough from the agony of this pain to the point in which I can look back a little, is helpful, but it makes me realize just how painful it all really is. The pain of the dull knife going through my heart will never go away. It will always be there and I get that. It is now my task to figure out how to deal with it. I will find a proper way, but until then, I sit at a crossroad. Just like the movies, where they display the crossroads as two dirt paths leading to anywhere, but basically nowhere, that's me right now. Sitting smack in the center where the two dirt paths cross, looking all four directions, and wondering where the next step is going to lead me. Obviously, I have no choice. If I did, I would have never led myself here. However, one has to question where the next step will take them. Without the question, what is the mystery of life, right?
There is a quote out there, that I find myself reading over and over again. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I am sure you have heard this quote. You see, the problem with the past five months of my life, is the wisdom to know the difference is clouded with this horrible dense fog. So dense that I seem to find myself questioning everything and everybody, even things that I can't see. I have questioned the purpose of life, God, the powers to be, I have even questioned my own sense of judgment, of which I haven't been able to provide answer to. So this quote, that I used to take lightly, well, I now take it very heavily. It weighs on me as I try to determine where the wisdom went to know the difference between what I can change and what I need to accept. I can't seem to accept the fact that one of the worst things that could happened, happened.
No one prepares themselves to lose something they want so very badly, especially when it took so long to create. Society doesn’t prepare one for what to expect after losing a child or a baby. No, because in our society, babies and children just don’t die. When it happens, it is not only the parents responsibility to grieve, heal, and find peace, but it is also their responsibility to deal with the rest of the world, SOCIETY. Because they are ignorant, ignorant to it all, like it doesn’t exist. It’s hard, and again different. I have never had to deal with something that so many know nothing about. I have never had to experience talking to my family about something that they can’t honestly relate to. Again different.
You’re probably asking yourself if I have gone off the deep end or just plain lost my mind, though in the same thought, you may understand. I haven’t done either, hope you know that. I have however grown, understood things that I never imagined I would have to understand, gone through something that was so painful that there are no words to describe, and yes, I am different. Different because of all of it.
Different because the person who used to be so in control, lost control of virtually everything with a blink of an eye. The person who had goals that were achievable, no longer has the same goals, because let’s face it, one was achieved and then forfeited in a matter of a few weeks, so why bother. The person that many once knew is now so very different it amazes even her. Still the same on the outside, but 100% different on the inside. Things that used to upset me, I could care less about. The focus that was placed on the details of everything, gone. There is a new outlook on life, and it doesn’t include anything that it used to include. Everything has changed, everything."
Again, like I said, the above response does not mean I am going backward. To me, it means I have just taken another step forward. I am proud of realizing all of the above, understand where I have been and what has taken place in my life. I am happy that I have come so far in just a short one hundred and fifty-five days. I think I am headed down the right path. The path that I don't know where it leads me, but I will be happy with whatever is at the end. The path that I will call my own, regardless of the bumps, pot holes, or down trees. The path that is My Path.