Friday, December 31, 2010

Here's to another 365 days....

A few hours left until a new year so I thought I would take time to get my final thoughts of this year in.  I think it will be best if I do a Jay Leno Tonight Show Top 10.  This list is the top 10 reasons why 2010 was the worst year EVER.  Ready?  Here goes...

10.  The diminishing savings account - It's amazing to me how we can go into the year having a surplus of funds but when we end we have just enough to pay the bills and buy some food.  We never had to carry a credit card balance, but here we are at the end of the year with a nice fat $2500.00 balance to pay off in 2011. 

9.  A broken house - Since moving into our home in 2006, we have had nothing but problems with it.  The basement takes on water, the house is barely sealed so it comes with drafts, insulation doesn't really exist in our house, and our electric will that is just a joke.  This year Brian determined that our support beams are beginning to rot in the foundation and the main reason for the water in the basement is due to the way the driveway was laid.  Also, lets not forget our pesky friends, the Stink Bugs.  We are still finding them.  Brian flushed several just the other day.

8.  Politics - Since this blog is viewed by many, I will just leave it at politics.  I will not discuss what politics I am referencing.  Please just know that I feel that politics suck and that is what is wrong with this world.

7.  An increase in the cost of living but a decrease in the paycheck - Of course, insurance increased again and so did the cost of gas, electric, milk, food, and co pays.  But guess what, the amount we are paid, well that remained the same.  Amazing ain't it?  I recall just a few years ago, people would get a "cost of living" wage increase.  In 2010, the cost of living increased but the take home pay decreased, something just ain't right.

6.  Thirty years - I turned thirty this year.  THIRTY.  Where in the hell did the first thirty years of my life go?  Oh yea, the last three were spent in doctor's offices trying to make a baby.  The ones before that were spent being young and naive. 

5.  A family wouldn't be family without a feud - Nothing like spending three weeks watching a family feud unfold.  Since one family member thought it would be easier to just ignore another, a feud took place.  More like a pissing match if you ask me.  Needless to say, Thanksgiving was spent without one of the family members and their family.  Sheesh.

4.  Another lie - This should have been expected, but again, it was a let down.  Since the age of twelve, I have been told that "he was coming, he would arrive soon, he said he would show this weekend".  It happened again.  He said he was coming for Christmas, not that I really believed it, but I thought maybe he would.  He didn't, a no show, yet again.  It was expected but damn it, don't say you are doing something, when you already know that you won't. 

3.  Chemo is a poison - My Grandmother, though vey young to be my Grandmother, she has been diagnosed with cancer.  While asking her about it, she explained that chemo is a poison, she is basically taking poison into her body to win her battle.  Then I find out, the plan isn't for her to win, it is just for her to make it another few months.  WTF?

2.  CHD - I never thought three letters would or could be my number two on one of my top ten lists, but these three letters will haunt me forever.  CHD.  Congenital Heart Defect.  I never knew anything about CHD, never knew that it was the number one killer amongst newborns, never knew that there could be so many heart defects in one little heart.  I found all of this out in 2010 and it only took two days to understand it all.  CHD.  Congenital Heart Defect.  Or as I know it, Cause Him Death.

And the number one reason why 2010 was the worst year ever:

1.  Saying goodbye to a child we never said hello to - I think that this would have to be any parents number one reason for a year to be the worst ever.  A pregnancy that was perfect, one that was uneventful, well that is until week 27.  Then in a matter of two weeks, we learn that we are having a boy, that he had a heart condition, that the condition was one of the worst seen at one of the world's best hospitals, and that his chance of survival was well... slim to none.  He didn't make it through the surgery, the one that was considered "experimental".  He was delivered on my thirtieth birthday, and two days later his Daddy and I sat facing each other in a funeral home while we picked out his urn.  It wasn't supposed to be like that.  Things like that don't happen to me.  Hahaha, damn was I wrong, that was quickly understood.  In the blink of an eye, we were no longer expecting our first child, we no longer had a nursery to prepare, we no longer had doctor appointments.  Instead, we sat starring at a cute little angel on a set of blue marble steps, our son's urn. 

And there you have it, the top 10 reasons why 2010 was the worst year ever.  All I can do is hope that 2011 will not be such a let down.  I am not sure that I can take a repeat of 2010, but then again, a year ago today, I would have told you I wouldn't have been able to take losing my son either.  It's amazing how much one can actually take. 

Well, here's to another 365 days.... wonder what will be in store for us this time around????

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Goodbye 2010....

.... and here we are, two days away from a new year. 

I have waited for a new year since the middle of this year.  This time last year, I couldn't wait for 2010 because my first child, the one we tried for forever, would be delivered, boy if I would have only known. 

Am I anxious for 2011, yes, but only to get the hell away from 2010.  I used to have this theory, and I had it ever since I was little.  I remember sitting in my Grandparent's diner telling my Uncles about this theory when I was younger.  My theory was this:  All even years are good and all odd years bring nothing by bad. 

Man, my theory was proven 100% incorrect this year.  Though Brian and I were blessed, yet again, at the end of the year with our miracle baby, our even year SUCKED.  It was the worst year ever.  Some would disagree by saying at least you felt your baby move and grow inside you.  To those, I have to disagree.  To lose the child that we tried for 26 months to create, the child that was carried for 29 weeks and 1 day gestation, a child who when delivered looked perfect, well that is the worst event that could happen.  If you disagree, then I am sorry. 

This year brought other bad events also.  Shortly after Wyatt's passing, my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer.  Stage 4 cancer.  Not good.  She is receiving Chemo, but it's not supposed to cure her, just extend her life a bit. 

Then there is the economy.  Well, they say on the news that things are getting better, but I am not sure who they ask to find that out.  Our saving accounts are slowly creeping to the very low mark, though I guess that is still better than some.  My Dad lost his job this August and is still currently unemployed.  And my poor brother.  He goes overseas to fight for our country in Iraq and returns to find he is jobless.  So, if "they" were to ask my family how the economy did for 2010, our response would be "It died."

Overall, 2010 was a God awful year.  It could have been worse, I understand that.  I have friends out there who have struggled with 2010 more than we have.  There is a special friend who I think of often, she lost three family members, all within weeks of each other.  There are others who lost their babies also this year, some due to heart issues, and many others due to several other complications.  There are others out there who are homeless and who don't have very much.  And there others out there who are still struggling to become pregnant. 

My wish for 2011 is that whatever we are struggling with this year, in 2010, may we overcome it in 2011.  May we all move past the hurdle that was presented to us in 2010, and push forward to our next big obstacle.  May we find peace for at least a short while and may we enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Past, Present, and Future

I am sure you may have noticed that I have been disconnected from the Internet.  No FB, no blog, no researching anything, nothing.  This was done on purpose.  This season is hard enough, as I said before, it is like the salt on an opened wound, so I decided that I needed to distance myself.  I decided it was time to focus on me and only me.  I was not trying to be selfish nor did I want others to feel that I don't care about them, because I do.  But I needed Megan time.  I needed time to be with my thoughts and my feelings for Wyatt.  I needed to allow feelings to develop for our newest miracle.  And I needed time with Brian. 

I didn't think that distancing myself from social networking would allow me to heal even more.  But it did!  I was able to have my visits with the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future (not really, but in my heart and mind I did). 

I spent a lot of time with the ghost of Christmas Past.  I spoke with him and discussed the pain and agony I experienced.  I realized that it was time to tuck this ghost safely in my heart, where the memories will live peacefully forever.  I will never forget the past, it will live in me forever, but I told myself I must push forward away from the hurt and pain. 

Christmas Present veered his head.  I quickly realized that I received a gift that is better then all.  Not only did I receive the gift I received last year, but I received it from the love that my husband and I share.  No medicine or treatments.  Christmas Present allowed me to understand that all the pain that we endured brought something is so very special and meaningful.  Something that only our angel and God could allow to happen.  Our miracle baby.

Though I didn't want to move forward, I knew I had to so I could fully understand.  I ventured further and came across Christmas Future.  Though still very cloudy and extremely blurry, I could see that there was happiness.  It came from family and friends.  It came from helping others and telling my story.  It came from my past. 

That was when I realized that I had climbed my mountain.  I had made it to the top and I was now looking down.  I found a quote today that helps better explain. 

"You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been."

This quote is so very right.  It has been just over six months since my life turned to disaster.  Six months since I experienced something that many others will never experience.  Six months since I buried my son.  A parent should never have to bury their child but the sad reality is, many do.  In a matter of six months, I have gone through hell and back.  I have climbed my mountain and I have fallen, only to continue on the climb.  But it is now that I can say that I feel I have reached the top.  I am now realizing my distance because I am finally looking down from the top. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

December 16 - One Year Ago...

Today is a day I have dreaded, as it is the one year mark since I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt.  I remember everything as if it happened yesterday.

I was laying on the table in the IVF transfer room and the nurse said, "You will have your blood test on 12/16 to determine if IVF worked."  Brian and I looked at each other and then I said, "That is my brother's birthday and he is in Iraq, IVF will work and I will be pregnant." 

On 12/16, I drove to the doctors.  On the way there, I remember hearing the song, "Tonight's gonna be a good night", to this day I still cringe when I hear it.  I had my blood drawn and I awaited the call. 

My cell phone rang at 10:38a, on December 16, 2009.  The nurse on the other end said, "I can't believe it, but you are definitely pregnant.  It worked."  I was at work.  I got up and walked into the empty education room, I got my numbers from the nurse and my next steps, and called Brian.  He was shocked.  I think he was actually stunned.  I then called my mom and sister.  Then I sent a MySpace message to my brother in Iraq.  It said, "Happy birthday.  I am finally pregnant, we found out today, on your birthday!"

What a day that was.  Funny what a year can do.  You can have so much, have it all taken away, and then be given the chance all over again.  It's even funnier how much one person can be taught about life in a matter of one year.

It is snowing today, our first real snowfall of the season.  I would have normally just awed over the snow because it was pretty and moved on.  But today is different.  Today is the one year mark since we found out we were pregnant with Wyatt, and it is now snowing out.  I can only think that this is a sign from my son. 

As I sent my brother a text message today, wishing him a happy birthday, I also added that Wyatt must really love his Uncle because he made it snow on his birthday! 

I still wish things were different.  I wish my son was here with me about to be four months old, but that is not the case.  Instead, he is in Heaven looking down on his family and ensuring we receive our signs when the timing is just right. 

December 16, one year ago, we were excited to find out we were pregnant with our first child.  Today, I receive a sign from him and pray that God shows him all the love he deserves, while I show it from the other side of Heaven!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Wyatt's Special Package Arrived!!!

While baking cookies and making dinner today, I received a knock on the door.  The dogs began barking and of course I was yelling trying to make them stop.  While dodging one dog only to trip over the other, I finally made it to the door. 

It was too late...  The mail lady had already nicely place the package and my mail on the front step.  After controlling the dogs, I was able to open the door and bring the gift inside. 

I gently removed the tape and opened the flaps.  I carefully lifted each piece of newspaper and pushed it aside.  There laying in the box was a beautiful blue circle shaped gift box with a blue bow. 

I removed the precious blue box from the large mailing box and slowly lifted the lid.  There is was!  So precious, so beautiful, so.... PERFECT. 

Wyatt's ornament from Sawyer's Mommy!!! 

This is one of the most special ornaments Wyatt will ever have.  The fact that Sawyer's Mommy and I found each other is something that only our son's could have had control over.  To receive an ornament made with care for Wyatt from Sawyer's Mommy means so very much. 

This ornament will be placed under the tree until Christmas.  It will be placed on the tree Christmas morning, as part of our newest family tradition!

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing...

This Christmas season is the salt to my wound.  I try to fight the pain and hide it with a smile but deep down the only thing I feel is the sharp and aching pain of the salt being poured onto my wound.  It is painful and it rips at my heart.  It hurts like no other pain and it never goes away.  There is always that tug at my heart, the pain that numbs my body, the void that will never be filled. 

The gifts are wrapped and the tree is decorated.  Cookies will be made today.  The Christmas cards have been mailed and the stockings have been hung.  But there are presents missing, 1st Christmas ornaments will not come, and a stocking that still hasn't been hung.  This year at Christmas, there are tears in our home which should be replaced with a little ones laughter. 

I listen to the Christmas songs this year, they mean so much more.  I haven't ever REALLY listened to them and fully understood the meaning.  There are so many songs that I have to turn off this year.  There are even more that I listen to and hardly make it through.  Christmas songs used to make me laugh and dance through the house, but this year they have made me realize what Christmas is all about. 

A BLM came up with an idea to create a "Wishmas Tree" in honor of her daughter.  This little "Wishmas Tree" got me thinking of what I would wish for if I had only one wish.  My wish would be simple:  Allow me to be with Wyatt for just one more day.  I don't ask for a lifetime, as I know that was not the way.  I just ask for one more day, so we can giggle, laugh, and play.  Until then, I will have a void that will never be filled again. 

I would like to leave you with a song that reminds me of Wyatt, our little angel forever.  I can't listen to this song without thinking him and all the other angels who were lost too soon.  May all of our angels have a wonderful holiday season and know that they are missed and loved so very much.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Don't Forget to Reflect!

While driving to my second u/s appointment today, I was listening to the radio.  I remember hearing the DJ talking about the year coming to an end and how all of the celebrities will begin to discuss their year, the fact that there will be year end music countdowns, and soon there will be a new year ahead of us.  The DJ then said something that hasn't left my mind all day.  He said, "As the year is ending, make sure you take time to reflect upon your year.  Look back on 2010 and ask yourself what the year offered you, the good, the bad, and even the ugly." 

I nodded my head and I started to cry (which doesn't take much now being pregnant).  I remember rounding the turn on route 52 and starring at the sky.  I began reflecting.  I reflected on how I entered the year full of excitement with the news of finding out we were expecting.  We were so happy, it was all we talked about for months.  I ensured everything was done correctly, the right foods, the correct amount of sleep, the right everything.  I thought about the first ultrasound and the many after that.  I thought about the last ultrasound, the one on May 25, the first day of the end of my old life.  I thought about the events that unfolded after that ultrasound.  I reflected upon the massive loss that occurred just two days before my 30th birthday.  I was then taken back to the day of Wyatt's delivery, my 30th birthday, the day I met my angel.  I stayed there for a while, a long long while.  

I sunk back to reality and stopped at the stop sign.  I turned into town and began reflecting on 2010 again.  I recalled the day that my angel was wheeled in the opposite direction as I, the last time we were together.  There I was, sobbing through West Chester.  I felt people starring at me from the street as I was stopped at the next red light.  I wanted to roll down the window and scream, "What?!  I am REFLECTING on my year, the worst year ever." 

I pulled myself together only to realize that the DJ was still talking about the same topic.  One of the other DJs was discussing their year and he stated that he had a good and bad year.  It was bad because he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, but good in the fact that the diagnosis meant he had a brain.  I began laughing and I quickly realized I needed to get myself to think like that.  I again, nodded my head, and reflected but this time in a different way. 

I thought back to losing our little Wyatt.  Losing Wyatt was the worst event to ever take place in my life, making this my worst year ever.  However, I have learned so much about medicine, life, family, the "real meaning", and faith.  Wyatt is my little blessing to who I will be forever grateful.  Without our Wyatt, Brian and I would not have learned we could conceive on our own.  We would not have grown as much as we have this year.  And, we would not have Wyatt's brother or sister on their way.  I also wouldn't have never gotten to know so many wonderful people.  I would have never taken a trip to Chicago or meant an amazing family.  I would probably have never made blankets for the hospital or cards for so many families.  So, although this year is the worst year in my records, this year has brought good also.

I arrived at the doctor's office, early for once.  I walked in and the receptionist asked how I was.  I responded with, "I am good, you?"  She looked and me and said, "I can't wait for this year to be over."  I wanted to respond with, "Have you reflected yet?"  But I didn't.  Instead, I smiled warmly at her, nodded my head and said, "Wonder what next year will hold for us?" 

Monday, December 6, 2010

A letter to my son....

My dearest Wyatt,

Today is December 6, six months since the day I delivered you.  You should be here son, you really should be.  It is so very hard for me to write this letter to you because I want you to just be here in my arms, here so I can kiss you and hug you.  Instead, I look to the sky and I pray that you hear me talk to you.  I pray that you feel my love and that you understand that I love you so very much. 

If I could have made things different, baby, I would have.  I would have given anything to have you stay with Daddy and I.  It has taken a long time but I know that you are healthier and happier there with God.  I know that you aren't suffering and I understand it was your time to return. 

There are so many things I would love to tell you.  But since I can't, I just want you to know just how much Daddy and I love you.  We love you to the moon and back baby boy.  We love you with every beat of our hearts.  For as long as we live, you will be remembered and cherished. 

When the day arrives that Daddy and I can meet you again, I will be in my glory.  Until then son, we have to live apart.  Please continue to send me your signs and show me your love.  I promise you will never leave the warmth of my heart. 

I wish you were here for me to tell you this, but one day I will be able to tell you it all.  I love you child, I love you with all my heart.  You will always be my first born, my first son.  You will always hold the most special place in my heart.  I hope you look down on Daddy and I and feel the love.

We love you, Wyatt.  We will always love you.  Happy six month angelversary, baby boy. 

Love you so very very much,

Thursday, December 2, 2010

A Christmas Card from Heaven...

I found another poem on the Internet tonight.  Of course it quickly spoke to me.  It was as if Wyatt was really speaking, as if he really was making this one little request.  I thought many of the other BLMs would appreciate this poem.  It makes me feel like our babies have a voice and that we, as mothers, are still thought about, just as we think about our little ones. 

Get ready to pull out your tissues girls.....

Dear Mr. Hallmark,  I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside 
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,  trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

My child, he lives in Heaven, that is the place that he calls his home.  He knows where is Mommy and Daddy live, though we never did get to bring him home.  My baby lives in Heaven and I will see him when I arrive.  Until then, I think of him everyday and do everything to honor him while I am alive.  My son will be my son forever and I will always be his mother.  I would love to receive this card on Christmas day, I wonder if Mr. Hallmark will send one my way?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Touching the Hearts of Others

Many BLM's are receiving their handmade cards that I made for them for the holidays.  I have received many thank you's and a few stories about the family's reaction when they saw their card.  Tonight I was touched by several stories.  One you can read about by clicking HERE.

The second was a wall post on FB.  Here is it:
I just got my mail and there was your wonderful handmade christmas card. It came on a perfect day to , my 3 yr anniversary of my second angel loss. ♥ you and your precious WYATT ♥ {{HUGS}}

And the third, the one that brought me to tears, the one that made me realize a card can reach into the hearts of others came with a photo:

The card was place on the tree.  The caption on the photo read "Thank you megan this is my first xmas card for my serena i love it you brought us to tears even my hunny was crying he was sad and happy thank you". 

I would like to say thank you girls.  Thank you for allowing me to make something for your family.  Thank you for allowing me to honor your children.  Thank you!!!

"Why God Takes the Little Ones"

And so it is............

December 1 is here.  It came with a flip of the calendar today, which means in only a short 5 days, it will be six months since I have seen my son.  Six months since life came crashing down.  In just 3 days, it will be six months from the date of the worst surgery ever.  The surgery that was supposed to help Wyatt, not kill him. 

December brings nothing but sadness to my heart.  December 4 is going to be hard.  December 6 is going to be harder.  December 12, we will be traveling back to the hospital for a candle lighting memorial honoring all of the children who had to grow little wings.  Then there is Christmas.  I can't even think about the holiday without getting a lump in the back of my throat. 

I find myself thinking of the many things I am blessed with but I seem to come back to the fact that I still don't have my son.  I had a short chat with a friend the other day.  She lost her husband just before we lost Wyatt.  She was explaining that Wyatt had a purpose and that we have been blessed with a gift from Wyatt.  I told her that I didn't need to lose Wyatt to be blessed, I was blessed with him and didn't need to have anything else.  

I am not sure and I will never know why I had to lose my son nor why my son had to lose his mother and father.  I will never understand why my son had to return to God or why God only allowed him a short life.  This is something that I am not privileged to know.  This is something that will pull at my heart and mind FOREVER or at least until it can be reunited with him again. 

Why God takes the little ones
I swear I'll never know
You had so much life to live
It just wasn't time to go.

For comfort, now, I think of you
With tiny little wings
Up above, in a beautiful place,
listening to angels sing.

You'll never know the pain I feel
The hurt you left behind.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to hold you one more time.

I carried you in my womb,
Then I carried you in my arms
And now, until it no longer beats
I'll carry you in my heart

~Author Unknown~