Sunday, October 17, 2010

My Life without My Son

Brian and I paid a visit to the Hershey store in Chicago on Friday and it was great. We had so much fun in this little store. We were like two kids in a candy shoppe, wait, we were in a candy shoppe. LOL

Upon entering the store, we were amazed at the size of each piece of chocolate. There was a chocolate making center in the middle of the store, of which, I would have loved to try out. (The only reason I didn't was because I didn't want the employees to think that something was wrong with me. I am an adult not a child.) At the front of the store, there was a Hershey Kiss displayed and the little "flag" was spinning around the top. It was so awesome.

We eventually ventured our way to the back of the store and we quickly became aware of the fact that we could purchase coffee and Hershey baked goodies. It was freezing outside, so we did just that. We ordered two cocoa coffees and a Hershey chocolate cupcake and a Reese's cookie. We needed to wait for the coffee to brew, so we continued to "play" in the store. We were having so much fun pretending to eat the chocolate and looking at the larger than life candy bars.

Then reality struck me....... It was this sharp gut wrenching blow to the gut. I happened to see a Hershey's onesie and bib. I don't honestly know what was wrong with me, because I quickly opened my mouth to say "Hey Hon, lets get this for Wyatt!".

Um, hello, reality check, Wyatt isn't here. He is never going to be here. What the heck is wrong with you. Do you honestly think this is all a dream? Wyatt will never wear a onesie or a bib. Get with it already.

That is what was going through my mind in a matter of a few seconds, when I caught myself, before I could say something that would ruin the trip for both of us. I was able to stop myself, walk away from the rack, hold back the tears, and move on. It was hard and I still think about the fact that I almost "slipped".

To others in the store, when I was photographing the onesie and the bib, they probably had no idea. They may have honestly thought I had lost it. But I had to photograph them. For some reason, these two items were screaming for me to purchase them for my Wyatt.

I have seen baby clothes and such since we lost Wyatt and I have never felt the urge to want to buy them for Wyatt. I have always remembered that Wyatt isn't with us. But I didn't remember in the Hershey store. It was like he was just away for the day, but to return tomorrow. Was it because I was acting young again and having "fun"? Was it because I was lost in the moment? Or was it because time is starting to heal and the pain isn't so much, so the constant reminder isn't always there?

I will never forget Wyatt or the pain or hurt I feel over losing him. I will never be the same as I was before I lost him. And I will never look at a child, family, mother, or father the same way. But I will continue to have "fun" which may cause more of the slipage moments.

This is okay with me, for this is my life. It is my life without my son. After understanding this, we returned to the back of the store and paid for our baked goodies. We grabbed a table and enjoyed our Hershey treats.


Jennifer said...

Let me start my saying I love you and i think we(BLM) have had that happen to them. ((HUGS)) to you...
Then the cupcake looks SOOOOO GOOD.. OMG

Whittney Tomczyk said...

I have had that happen to me too. I was at Old Navy.. which is a store I go to often, and there are baby clothes right by the dressing room, so I have walked past them many times since I lost Owen... but this one day the cutest jacket caught my eye and just for a second I started to walk towards it before that brick wall popped up and I walked into it.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

@ Jennifer... Thank you and the cupcake omg, it was soooo awesome!

@ Whitt... That is a perfect way to put it, a brick wall. Just like running into it full steam ahead!

Mary Beth said...

LOVE the Reese's pics! (see my earlier comment regarding whether or not you are crazy). :)