Thursday, October 21, 2010

I Hope You Don't Think I am Crazy - Part 1

Okay, where to begin.... This is a post that I have been putting off because of a few reasons. One, some of you will think I am nuts. Two, some of you will no longer follow my blog because you will begin to believe I have lost my marbles, again nuts. And three, because once I tell the world, it will no longer happen, again making me nuts because I have lost proof. But I have to tell you my story of how I began to understand that some things are meant to be signs. I want to tell you because it is so fascinating and has taught me so much, and because all of you are friends or family so I would hope that you wouldn't classify me as nuts.

..... However, if you are going to classify me as nuts, please contact a local doctor so I can begin treatment. That is all I am asking. LOL

Okay, on with the story.

From the very beginning there were signs and it all started the day I found out I was FINALLY pregnant. If you have followed Wyatt's Whisper from the beginning, you know that it took Brian and I forever, 26 months to be exact, to become pregnant. I guess not forever, but it sure did feel like it. After IVF and transfer, I received the call I had been waiting for on 12/16/2009. This day was special and I knew I was getting the call this day, as it was scheduled. I knew it was going to be "good luck". My brother's birthday happens to be 12/16, and he was overseas fighting for our country. It just made sense to find out we were finally pregnant on his birthday. Previously, my brother's birthday always brought me bad luck. I had surgery around his birthday a few years prior and I had ruined his birthday with kidney stones years before. But this year, we had good luck. A sign I should have noticed.

Next important date, 12/24/2009. This was the first ultrasound, the first time we saw our baby and his little heart. I actually have written in my pregnancy journal this: "Today we saw your heart for the first time. It was amazing to watch it beat so perfectly." This was Christmas Eve, the same day we told Brian's family. His heart, I was amazed by his heart, the very organ that failed him. Another sign I should have noticed.

Fast forward to April. I was measuring perfect at my April doctor appointment. It wasn't until May when the doctor realized I nearly doubled my number. But it was right around 4/16/2010 when I popped. This is the same date as a dear friend's birthday. More to come on her in a separate blog. But again, another sign I should have noticed.

After having the cardiologist tell us that Wyatt had HLHS, it was determined that this surgery was going to take place on 6/4/2010. This was after having to hold everything off because I HAD to get an amnio. (Come to find out, it was held off because they really didn't think he was going to make it.) I remember having a conversation with my mom on 6/2 about the surgery. That is when I realized what I should have realize when the surgery date was communicated to us on 6/1. Exactly five years prior to the scheduled date of Wyatt's surgery, 6/4/05, my sister lost her boyfriend in a motorcycle accident. As soon as I realized this, I knew the surgery wasn't going to result in a good outcome. Finally, a sign that I noticed.

Upon waking on 6/4 from the surgery, I learned that my son had passed. I was holding my angel child still in my womb. The doctor said I could hold off delivering until Saturday, 6/4 was Friday. However, my body wanted to deliver. I began contractions on 6/4, but the doctor's were able to control them. Saturday came, and I told the doctor I couldn't handle having to push with a fresh incision across my stomach. He agreed to hold off until the evening and begin the induction. He requested that I not deliver on Sunday for the fact that it was my birthday. I remember him saying "Psychologically, it just wouldn't be good." Well, guess what? I delivered my angel on my birthday 6/6. A sign that was noticed!

As you can see, from the beginning of his life until the end, Wyatt had a fascination with dates, and he continues to have this fascination.

After Wyatt grew his wings and his service was held and Brian returned to work, I began to notice several signs. I realized that the fascination was no longer with dates but instead with time. I began to realize that I always seemed to look at the clock when it was exactly the same numbers. For example, 1:11, 3:33, 5:55, 11:11. It still happens. It has been four months now, and it still happens. Every time I see it, I get chills. I have even begun to photograph it and recently I have clued my coworkers in at work and mention something when I see it. It is something that occurs about 3-4 times a day. A sign? Well it is being noticed.

Just yesterday, I realized that the fascination of dates is presenting itself again. I needed to schedule an annual with my OBGYN, the same one that saw me with Wyatt. I had tried to schedule this before, but they didn't have their 2011 calendar ready. I called yesterday and explained to the receptionist that I wanted an appointment as quickly as possible, as this appointment was going to determine when I could start IVF again. She explained I needed to wait until after 1/10 for insurance purposes, but that there was an opening on 1/11. I took it. I then realized last night, that the date is going to be 1/11/11. Like I said, a sign. This time, I notice it.

I remember hearing the words in a song when I was a teen, the words were "Isn't it ironic, don't you think?" and the song was "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissett. One could say that what I have seen with the dates and times is just ironic, but to me it doesn't fit the definition of ironic.

So there you have it. Part one of "I hope you don't think I am crazy".

.... Just a quick reminder, if you feel that I am nuts, have lost my mind, or just plain crazy, remember contact a local doctor so I can begin treatment. LOL. Thanks!


Tiffany said...

Not crazy mama. But def fascinating.

Mary Beth said...

I don't think you are crazy at all. My daughter, Reese, died at 38 weeks in August. I see her name everywhere now. She talks to me every day and I feel her with me. I am sure people who have not experienced death like this may think that we're nuts but let them think it I say! :)

Michelle said...

It's like us with the number 28. You are so not crazy!

Dana said...

I don't think you are crazy. I find this fascinating!