Can it be? Can it really be? I feel as though in the past two weeks some of the pain is starting to lift. I feel like I am starting to understand some things, not everything, because I will never understand why this had to happen to you, but I am starting to understand some things.
I remember reading blog posts from other BLMs while I was on maternity leave. I remember some of them talking about how the pain was subsiding just a bit. I remember thinking, that is never going to happen, I will be in pain forever. But that is not the case.
It still hurts that you are gone and that you are no longer physically here with me. But I have come to realize, through the help of others on FB and through blogs, that you are still with me and you will always be with me. I lost you and wish so bad that it never happened, but the time we had together I will cherish everyday. You will remain with me forever now, you will always be in my heart and on my mind.
Initially I thought, "This isn't fair! I never heard him cry, never got to see his eyes, and never held him while he was breathing." But I was wrong. I was blessed to carry you for 29 weeks and 1 day, feel you kick and move inside me, and help you grow strong to live longer than any of the doctors anticipated. With it being four months since you grew your wings, I can now understand that I was even blessed to lose you while you were still in the womb. You didn't have to fight with this world or come out into the cold. You were able to rest peacefully in the comfort of what you knew as your home.
As I said, I feel like the pain is starting to lift. It seems as though I can get through a day without tears. I am beginning to understand that life didn't stop on June 6, 2010. I am understanding that life was just starting. A life that looks differently to me and to you, but one that looks right to God. One that God had planned before you were created, before Daddy and I were married, and before I was born.
A few months back, I remember having a conversation with a wise person. I was upset about losing you and explained I couldn't make sense of it. This wise person said, "I understand that you feel your life is very unorganized right now and that your life is just not what you planned. But remember when you look at things from a from a bird's eye view, everything appears very straight and organized. He sees your life that way right now, very straight and organized."
I have held on to that conversation for the past few months. I find myself coming back to it almost everyday. That very wise person really knew what she was talking about. For everything there is a reason, even for the loss of my son. Why, I don't know. It isn't meant for me to know right now. But, from a bird's eye view, the reason could be just around the corner, again not for me to know.