Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I Love You But I Don't Even Know You

Yet again, "I Hope You Don't Think I'm Crazy" has been placed on hold. Sorry, I seem to do best with the posts for the mini series on the weekend, when my brain isn't focused on a thousand other things. Part 3 is coming, promise, just not until this weekend. I haven't forgotten, just side tracked.

So, on to tonight's post. It is 9:46p EST and I am just now sitting down to write this. I have put it off for most of the night. Not because I don't want to write, but because I couldn't select a topic this evening. I had so many to choose from. I narrowed down my choices to the following: Public or Private that is the Question, Quotes from "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" (because I fell in love with this book), or I Love You But I Don't Even Know You.

I selected the last one, I Love You But I Don't Even Know You.

Upon my return home from work this evening, I logged into FB. Damn FB, it's addicting. And yes, I want to go see the movie The Social Network, because I am that addicted. I am not addicted because I have to know what people are doing, no. I am addicted because I can't go a day without talking to my BLMs.

Back to the point. When I logged onto FB this evening, I came across a post that was shared by a few other BLMs. The post was called "A primer in dealing with dead babies ". It was written by another BLM who goes by Babs. I clicked on the post and began to read it. Immediately, it captured my attention. I felt as though my thoughts were falling out onto the screen (can't say paper, because blogs are part of a GREEN environment, everything is electronic now).

There are several, well a lot, of pieces of this post that I support and agree with 100%. Please find them below:

1. "We don't want to make the fragile grieving mother sad, now do we? We wouldn't want to "remind" her that she loves her baby. I'm going to burst your bubble: your good intentions are bullshit, and hiding behind them like a curtain is only going to get you in trouble. You are hurting people."

2. "Your dainty sense of selfish caution that makes you feel it's okay to deny the existence of a child completely. A child someone loved, cherished, wanted, desperately prayed and hoped for, held in their arms, cuddled, kissed, cried over and will never forget."

3. "A life flickered out of existence and we still have all these dreams and wishes unanswered. No first steps, first babbles, first grade, first love, first illness, first job, first broken heart... no hugs, no "I love you mommys", no graduation, no wedding, no grandkids. That little future is gone forever. All we have left is a loc of hair, a footprint, a bloodstain and a few clothes that touched skin now ashes floating in the wind. A mere memory."

4. "No mother ever wants to think someone forgot her child."

5. "Fuck you and your "good intentions"."

Okay, so there you have it. And yes, I agree with all of them, I agree whole heartily. Number five is harsh, huh? Well, not really, not when you have been in my shoes. This author hit the nail right smack on the head. She didn't shy off a bit. She hit it with one solid smack. And it's needed.

To those who have lossed a baby or child, you understand, I know you do. To those who haven't you never will. You just never will. It isn't something one can imagine without going through it, without living it. Just like I can't imagine the pain of losing a parent, you can't imagine losing a child, if you haven't experienced it.

But it doesn't mean to sweep it under the carpet, never discuss it, or as a good books states "act as if the entire pregnancy never existed", because it did. Dammit, I was pregnant for 29 weeks and 1 day. Everyone saw me pregnant. And now some, a lot, don't recognized it. I can't tell you how many people still avoid me on a daily basis, are you serious? Well, to those of you who do, number five is dedicated to you. Enjoy! Hope you feel like I have for the past almost five months.

To the author of the post, thank you. I added a comment on her post that said, "From the bottom of my heart! You are wonderful, amazing, and so very very right! I love you and I don't even know you. This is my first time here on your blog, but it will not be my last. I will be following from now on. You are so awesome for writing this!!!"

1 comment:

Jessica said...

She did hit it right on the head. I had a friend tell me today that I should really try not to think about my babies so much. And I said writing helps me a lot. He said - well but still come on Jess - and I was like look I am a tough chick this helps me so this is what I do. It's effing ridiculous the OTHERS can't handle hearing about our pain. God forbid I make someone else uncomfortable to have to even HEAR about my hurt. It's such CRAP! If he had said that stuff to me in person I may have slapped him. (((hugs))) to you! Thanks again for the card :)