Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Past, Present, and Future

I am sure you may have noticed that I have been disconnected from the Internet.  No FB, no blog, no researching anything, nothing.  This was done on purpose.  This season is hard enough, as I said before, it is like the salt on an opened wound, so I decided that I needed to distance myself.  I decided it was time to focus on me and only me.  I was not trying to be selfish nor did I want others to feel that I don't care about them, because I do.  But I needed Megan time.  I needed time to be with my thoughts and my feelings for Wyatt.  I needed to allow feelings to develop for our newest miracle.  And I needed time with Brian. 

I didn't think that distancing myself from social networking would allow me to heal even more.  But it did!  I was able to have my visits with the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future (not really, but in my heart and mind I did). 

I spent a lot of time with the ghost of Christmas Past.  I spoke with him and discussed the pain and agony I experienced.  I realized that it was time to tuck this ghost safely in my heart, where the memories will live peacefully forever.  I will never forget the past, it will live in me forever, but I told myself I must push forward away from the hurt and pain. 

Christmas Present veered his head.  I quickly realized that I received a gift that is better then all.  Not only did I receive the gift I received last year, but I received it from the love that my husband and I share.  No medicine or treatments.  Christmas Present allowed me to understand that all the pain that we endured brought something is so very special and meaningful.  Something that only our angel and God could allow to happen.  Our miracle baby.

Though I didn't want to move forward, I knew I had to so I could fully understand.  I ventured further and came across Christmas Future.  Though still very cloudy and extremely blurry, I could see that there was happiness.  It came from family and friends.  It came from helping others and telling my story.  It came from my past. 

That was when I realized that I had climbed my mountain.  I had made it to the top and I was now looking down.  I found a quote today that helps better explain. 

"You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been."

This quote is so very right.  It has been just over six months since my life turned to disaster.  Six months since I experienced something that many others will never experience.  Six months since I buried my son.  A parent should never have to bury their child but the sad reality is, many do.  In a matter of six months, I have gone through hell and back.  I have climbed my mountain and I have fallen, only to continue on the climb.  But it is now that I can say that I feel I have reached the top.  I am now realizing my distance because I am finally looking down from the top. 


Antoinette said...

beautiful and very important to take those breaks...I always say the same i cant be any good to anyone if I cant be good to myself...I took breaks this week as well because...well...of the same reasons...I really like this title it puts everything into perspective...xoxo thinking of you.

Melissa said...

I am so glad you've taken that time to yourself. Merry Christmas to you!