Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Don't Forget to Reflect!

While driving to my second u/s appointment today, I was listening to the radio.  I remember hearing the DJ talking about the year coming to an end and how all of the celebrities will begin to discuss their year, the fact that there will be year end music countdowns, and soon there will be a new year ahead of us.  The DJ then said something that hasn't left my mind all day.  He said, "As the year is ending, make sure you take time to reflect upon your year.  Look back on 2010 and ask yourself what the year offered you, the good, the bad, and even the ugly." 

I nodded my head and I started to cry (which doesn't take much now being pregnant).  I remember rounding the turn on route 52 and starring at the sky.  I began reflecting.  I reflected on how I entered the year full of excitement with the news of finding out we were expecting.  We were so happy, it was all we talked about for months.  I ensured everything was done correctly, the right foods, the correct amount of sleep, the right everything.  I thought about the first ultrasound and the many after that.  I thought about the last ultrasound, the one on May 25, the first day of the end of my old life.  I thought about the events that unfolded after that ultrasound.  I reflected upon the massive loss that occurred just two days before my 30th birthday.  I was then taken back to the day of Wyatt's delivery, my 30th birthday, the day I met my angel.  I stayed there for a while, a long long while.  

I sunk back to reality and stopped at the stop sign.  I turned into town and began reflecting on 2010 again.  I recalled the day that my angel was wheeled in the opposite direction as I, the last time we were together.  There I was, sobbing through West Chester.  I felt people starring at me from the street as I was stopped at the next red light.  I wanted to roll down the window and scream, "What?!  I am REFLECTING on my year, the worst year ever." 

I pulled myself together only to realize that the DJ was still talking about the same topic.  One of the other DJs was discussing their year and he stated that he had a good and bad year.  It was bad because he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, but good in the fact that the diagnosis meant he had a brain.  I began laughing and I quickly realized I needed to get myself to think like that.  I again, nodded my head, and reflected but this time in a different way. 

I thought back to losing our little Wyatt.  Losing Wyatt was the worst event to ever take place in my life, making this my worst year ever.  However, I have learned so much about medicine, life, family, the "real meaning", and faith.  Wyatt is my little blessing to who I will be forever grateful.  Without our Wyatt, Brian and I would not have learned we could conceive on our own.  We would not have grown as much as we have this year.  And, we would not have Wyatt's brother or sister on their way.  I also wouldn't have never gotten to know so many wonderful people.  I would have never taken a trip to Chicago or meant an amazing family.  I would probably have never made blankets for the hospital or cards for so many families.  So, although this year is the worst year in my records, this year has brought good also.

I arrived at the doctor's office, early for once.  I walked in and the receptionist asked how I was.  I responded with, "I am good, you?"  She looked and me and said, "I can't wait for this year to be over."  I wanted to respond with, "Have you reflected yet?"  But I didn't.  Instead, I smiled warmly at her, nodded my head and said, "Wonder what next year will hold for us?" 


Bethany said...

I have done a bit of reflecting lately myself... I'm glad that you can still see some good in the worst year ever... that is a blessing in itself. Much love to you and your family, especially that rainbow baby:) Thanks again for the christmas card.

Dana said...

I didn't know you are pregnant! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. I know this will be a wonderful, exciting and scary time. I will keep you and your new little one in my thoughts and prayers.

I have a bit of trouble saying this was the worst year of my life. In many ways, it was. But I also got to feel the excitement of being pregnant, all of the hope and dreams and I got to feel like sweet boy kicking me, I got to see him moving around on ultrasound. I also got to hold my baby, just not in the way I ever dreamed I would.