Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Life's Puzzle

"Life is full of beauty.

Notice it. 

Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. 

Smell the rain, and feel the wind. 

Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."

While working on a project at work today, I was in need of a quote.  I wanted one that related to the project but one that related to life also, because believe it or not the project and life actually go hand in hand.  I found the quote that is listed above, and I sat in awe.  Looking back on my old life, I noticed too many times where I was wrapped up in the moment, worried only about so called issues and things that mean so little in the grand scheme of things.  Since Wyatt grew his wings, almost six months ago, life has been so very different. 

It is actually hard for me to explain in words how life has changed, how it became something so extremely different.  You see, everything that once was isn't any more.  Getting upset over small things at work, caring so very much for something that means so little, and taking in everything but the important things is all gone from my life.  This has been replaced with becoming upset over the selfishness of people, caring only about my family, and understanding and appreciating the smallest things in life. 

In a previous post, I mentioned a quote that came from a Hallmark movie. 

"You haven't lived until you lost everything."

I sit here looking back over the past 30.5 years of my life and I realize, I haven't noticed the bumble bee, the child or the smiling faces until just recently.  Just within the last six months.  I hadn't lived until I lost it all.  I lost my son, what more can one lose? 

Give it thought.  I would never ask you to consider losing your child, so instead do it this way...

Take away everything, all that you must have, all that you love and care about.  Take away your house, car, big screen television, the spontaneous items you bought on Black Friday, this years styles because last years just won't do, your jewelry and makeup, take away the designer curtains and the high dollar lamps, the bedding and all your clothing.  What do you have left? 

If your answer is nothing, you are wrong.

Let me ask you again, you have no more materialist items, what do you have left? 

After the loss of my son, I didn't care and still don't care about anything else.  I don't care about money, cars, houses, or the gifts under the tree this year.  When Wyatt grew his wings, I realized that I had lost it all, but I also realized I had so much more.  I had love, family, friends, and faith.  If you know me, you know that I don't go to church, but you don't need to go to church to pray to God and to believe.   I have been shown so very much in just a short time and I have been able to start to live life.

Life is nothing more than a puzzle.  You just have to the find the connecting pieces in order to see the bumble bee, the child, and the smiling faces.  The pieces include love, family, friends, and faith.  The materialist piece doesn't fit in life's puzzle, it simply makes the puzzle one that will never be complete. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Same....

Here it is November 28, three days after Thanksgiving, eight days before the six month mark of Wyatt growing his wings, and just under one month until Christmas.  How did I get to this point?  I keep telling people that I can't believe it is November, and not because I am like others who just can't believe the holidays are here.  No, I really honestly, can't believe it is November.  I feel like this year has been nothing but a long horrible dream, one that started with me being pregnant with Wyatt, going through a loss that words can't explain, then ending with me being pregnant all over again.  Oh, wait..... That is my year. 

Please don't take me the wrong way, I am excited that we are expecting again, even better, we did it without any drugs and procedures.  But everything is so, well, THE SAME.  This time last year, tomorrow actually, I was going in for IVF retrieval.  I was told "Things don't look good, we only recovered one egg."  Brian then call it "the golden egg."  Just two weeks later we found out that the golden egg became our precious Wyatt. 

Now, a year later, I sit here with the sun shining through the bay window, thinking that both of my children will have August due dates, literally within days of each other.  I guess that goes hand in hand with Wyatt's way.  Wyatt had a thing about dates, so this only makes sense.  I find myself laughing cause, I will probably go late, and this baby will arrive on Wyatt's due date, just a year later.  Again, this would be Wyatt's way. 

I will be seeing the IVF doctor for the next six weeks, as he can monitor the pregnancy in his office better than my OB.  Ultrasounds every week, and blood work.  But this is the same treatment I received with Wyatt, which scares the crap out of me.  We will see the new baby's heart in two weeks, but it doesn't mean anything.  We saw Wyatt's too, we were told it was beating perfectly, that was not the case.  I began seeing my OB on 1/10/10 (OMG, look at those ones), with Wyatt.  I found out earlier this week I will begin seeing my OB on 1/11/11 (OMFG, look at that), with this baby.  Again, Wyatt's way.  Him and these dates and the number ones.  Lastly, get this:  I conceived this baby, per the doctor, on either 11/10/10 or 11/11/10 (again ones and dates).  INCREDIBLE, huh?  I guess that was why I saw so many number ones.  Wyatt was trying to tell me something. 

I almost feel as though I am about to repeat a year of my life.  I feel like Christmas will be the same, expecting a baby but not showing, and having so many happy dreams to look forward to.  I feel like looking into the new year is the same also.  I will be pregnant and expected to deliver at the same time that I was expected to last year.  It kinda makes me wonder......

Someone, someone very special to me, told me during the summer (when I was at my all time low), that she felt her child was given back to her in a next pregnancy.  With everything about to take place around the same time as it did last year, I have to wonder, is my child being returned to me? 

No, I haven't lost it.  I know that Wyatt and this baby are not THE SAME baby.  But come on..... I can't get pregnant on my own at all with Wyatt.  Then only one cycle of "really" trying I get pregnant and this baby is due basically the same time that Wyatt was due, only a year later.  It isn't coincidence!!!!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Plight of a Child....

This is an amazing story miracle that must be told!  So, grab a tissue, sit back and relax, and enjoy the moment while you read about a miracle that has recently been given to Brian and I. 

This past Sunday, I decided to search FB for my Chinese Horoscope.  Shortly after Wyatt grew his wings, I stumbled across a Chinese Fortune that allowed my mind to ease a bit.  So, I decided why not look for a Chinese Horoscope to help with the holidays.  In finding the horoscope program, I realized it allowed for daily view's.  I viewed Monday, November 22 and it was nothing impressive.  Then I clicked on Tuesday's, and shock and puzzlement set in.  I decided to share it to FB with a comment, see below:

Megan McGrory hmmmmmmmm this is Tuesday's fortune... "The plight of a child may move you..."

Tuesday, November 23
You have a lot of compassion for others today - the plight of a child may move you to actions you would not normally consider. You may be seeking a lasting outlet for feelings that did not seem important to you before, because you want to share something you have learned.

Yes, that was the horoscope.  "The plight of a child may move you...", I was shocked and puzzled.  I was curious as to what this may mean.   A few weeks ago, Brian and I decided it was time to head back to the IVF doctor to see what we could plan for going into the new year.  Would this horoscope have something to do with that?  Would it have to do with another BLM?  What could it mean.  I decided time would tell.

So, yes, Brian and I went back to the doctors since my insurance was now covering all IVF as of January 1, 2011, yes 1/1/11.  Amazing huh?  A sign from Wyatt.  We talked to the doctor about the months to come and what they held in store for us.  We also decided that since we were in the middle of a cycle, we would be monitored only, as we missed the chance for "assistance" (drugs and such) for the cycle.  After blood work and an ultrasound, we were told of the dates of our "homework" and the doctor said, "Call me in two weeks regardless." 

The two weeks went by much faster then they had during the 26 months of trying with Wyatt, probably because we assumed without assistance it wouldn't work.  However, I was starting to get the feeling that maybe that was not the case because Monday, November 22, was the two week mark, but nothing happened.  I am not one who likes to test because of the previous let downs.  So, we waited.  Tuesday, November 23, was one day after the two week mark, still nothing.  I decided it was time to get a test, as I am NEVER late.  In my world, the let down always arrives on time, it never tries to trick me.

After getting the tests and coming home, I decided I couldn't wait until morning.  I thought, "If you aren't, it is going to show, so just deal with the let down now."  The whole time, I held Wyatt's angel pin and prayed he would be with us to help us through whatever happened.  I kissed the pin and told him I love him.  Then I looked down.  I opened my eyes slowly, squeezed the pin hard and realized I couldn't move.  After a minute or so, I got up with the test and took it out to Brian.  He looked at me and then he said, "Shut up?"  I just stood there while holding the test out.  He then said, "I just can't believe it."  We both teared up, I told him that Wyatt was with us and that Wyatt made this happen.  Wyatt decided it was time for him to have a brother or a sister.  And it happened on its own. 

A miracle?  Well, it is something, that's for sure.  It took 26 months and a round of IVF for Wyatt.  We only received one egg in the IVF process and we used all of the insurance money.  We found out about a month ago that IVF was possible again due to the lifetime maximums being lifted.  Now, we find that we created a child on our own. 

We found out on Tuesday, November 23, as Clearblue told us twice that it was real.  Tuesday, was the same day that my horoscope stated "The plight of a child may move you...".  So, now I only ask, the plight of our second child, or the plight of our angel child?  Or both of them working together?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Miracle or Something More?

Do you feel that you sometimes plan more for the worst than you do for the best?  I do.  I had always planned for the worst.  However, I didn't foresee the worst to be losing my little boy, the child we wanted for so very long.  But then again, I didn't foresee a lot of things.  So, I say I plan for the worst, but that is not the case, obviously.  Since Wyatt grew his little wings, I have tried to live differently.  I have tried to live in the moment and pray for the best.  Again, I fell short, because I never thought a miracle would actually take place. 

A miracle is an unexpected event attributed to divine intervention.  A miracle is sometimes thought of as a perceptible interruption of the laws of nature. Others suggest that God may work with the laws of nature to perform what people perceive as miracles. 

The above is the definition of a miracle as it is listed in Wikipedia. 

Something happened in the past two days, something that can't be explained, something that words just do no justice.  I believe it is a miracle which was discussed between Wyatt and God.  I believe that the two of them worked together to ensure this miracle would one day unfold.  But maybe, just maybe it is something so much more. 

I still sit here dumbfounded.  Stunned.  In a state of shock.  I can't believe that life is so very unpredictable.  I can't believe that in a blink of an eye things can be changed so very quickly.  I have witnessed this now twice.  Once on May 26, when I woke up in my normal life only to have it totally changed a few hours later, and again yesterday when life changed yet again.  I have been one who likes to plan and prepare for events but obviously someone or something is trying to prove that there are greater powers that should be doing the planning, not me. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tis the Season of Giving....

It is here, the season of giving.  It arrived on my door step sometime early last Saturday morning.  That was the exact time that I decided it was "only right" to make a holiday card for every BLM that I have become close with on FB or through blogs.  I spent plenty of time making 86 cards to date.  I have posted them on FB and tagged each mother.  I was pleased with myself for giving something to each family at a time of year when the pain from the loss of a child is heightened.  I guess that was me "paying it forward", because I then learned about an awesome Shutterfly promotion.  The promotion is for 50 FREE cards, go figure. 

After receiving the instructions, I reviewed each holiday card and thought of all the possibilities which could be done to create that perfect card from our family.  I thought about the fact that this would be the first Christmas card from our FAMILY.  Many thoughts were being tossed around in my mind, but one major thought was given a lot of focus.  "Would someone want to receive a card with our son on the front, our angel son?"  I gave it even more thought.  I thought about the fact that Brian and I have come so far in just a short time and how we are coping with this holiday season.  Then the light bulb went off.  "Yes!  You will send a card with your family and your angel son on the front.  You will select a card design that will work great with the NILMDTS photo, the one of your family.  You will use this photo on the card because this IS your family.  If the receiver of the card can't appreciate the fact that your family includes an angel, tough.  Having an angel as part of your family is something others can't say for their families, it is what makes our family, OUR FAMILY."  After talking to myself, I selected the most precious card design that fits our family's situation this year.  The card says "Joyful Wishes".  Not Merry Christmas, because it feels like we are missing something for it to be 100% merry.  Not Happy Holidays, because again the happy just isn't 100% there.  But Joyful Wishes.  Joyful - yes.  We have come so far and we find joy in the fact that we have our very own angel.  Wishes - perfect.  Because it is wishes that we will be sending to our little boy this year for Christmas, not gifts.  The perfect card- and it was found in a promotion from Shutterfly. 

The perfect card is not the only item offered by Shutterfly that has helped me through the holiday season this year.  Shutterfly offers photobooks also.  Wonderful, beautiful photobooks.  So far, I have designed and ordered two photobooks that will be cherished and treasured for years to come.  Another gift, regardless of the price, could not take the place of the memories placed inside of the photobooks.  In addition to photobooks, Shutterfly offers calendars.  Everyone uses a calendar, right?  These calendars, yet again, capture memories which have been created.  In my family, memories are everything.  For when you lose someone who meant the world to you, you have nothing but memories left. 

Lastly, Shutterfly offers photo gifts.  Father's Day this year was exteremly difficult for our family.  As most of you know, Wyatt was delivered on June 6.  Father's Day was on June 20, exactly two weeks apart.  Brian wanted nothing more than being a wonderful father.  He wanted a little boy, a son, more than he wanted anything else in the world.  Father's Day was nothing but bittersweet this year, as Brian had a son, but a son who was an angel.  Shutterfly allowed for the perfect gift.  Brian loves his coffee and drinks it every morning, so I decided to order him a coffee mug with Wyatt's picture on it.  Every morning, Brian can now enjoy a cup of coffee while looking at his son. 

Tis the season of giving, right?  Though I thought this meant I needed to give, which is what I decided to this past weekend, I have been able to see that there is one company who strives to give.  Though they probably don't realize it, they give more than just "Free Promotions."  This company gives families something that is worth more than money, more than anything in the world.  They give cherished and treasured memories.  Thank you Shutterfly for providing me the opportunity to turn our family moments into something that will never be forgotten, MEMORIES.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

"Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and you know what?  There are angels too". 

If you would have asked me this time last year if I believed in angels, I would have laughed in your face.  I would have told you that I believe only as far as the old television show called "Touch by an Angel."  The show starred Roma Downey, Della Reese, and John Dye, who played Monica, Tess, and Andrew. 

Now, if you were to ask me today, right now, if I believe in angels, well, my answer would not include laughing or a television show.  Instead, it would include a few stories from the heart and maybe a few tears.  My answer would be greatly different this year.  For Brian and I now have an angel of our very own.  We have witnessed "signs" from our angel that can not and will not ever be explained. 

Below is the exact letter that Virginia wrote to the editor of The New York Sun in 1897.  Please read this letter as it pertains to my entire life right now:

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

And there you have it... My life summed up in The Sun, so it must be true.  I fully agree with the editor’s analogy of man to an ant.  I just provided a similar statement to Brian the other day.  I said, "Have you ever thought about how we are really nothing in the grand scheme of things?  We are merely ants in the world, we have our own little colonies and we just continue to push through.  But really, there is so very much more to life.  It is so much bigger than we really know, so much, that one person will never understand all of it before they leave it." 

Oh, this editor is so correct when he says "The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see."   One has no idea what life is about until they experience and believe in the unknown, the unseeable.  Believing in the unseeable is something that needs to occur in every one's life, but there are many out there who try to stop that from happening.  But not in my life, now that I know and have seen I will never stop believing.  Wyatt taught me not to allow others to cause disbelief.  And yes, just like the editor said, it is the unseeable that is the most real thing in the world. 

So, if you asked me today if I believe in angels, my response would be one similar to that of the response from the editor of The Sun.  It would be a response that many may challenge but only those who BELIEVE will ever understand. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Other Side

"Whoa... A tornado blew through and left a path of destruction, a path that measured one family wide and five months in length." 

This is what was running through my mind as I continued to read word after word in the emails I came across tonight.  A few weeks ago, I remember asking a peer if she still had the "Megan Update" emails that I sent from the hospital while Wyatt and I were being treated.  I thought it would be nice to have them to add to Wyatt's "things", to look back on later down the road.  The emails hadn't been forwarded to me, and I decided that there was probably a reason, so I didn't mention it again. 

Tonight, while reviewing my home emails, I clicked on sent mail instead of inbox, and there they were.  The emails that were sent from me to work while I was still pregnant with Wyatt.  I should have clicked out of them, but I didn't, instead I opened each one and read every single word.  After I had read all of them, I shook my head in disbelief that it really was my life and not a dream.  There are still days when I find myself questioning if the past twelve months (yes, from the time I became pregnant until now) have merely been nothing but a dream.  But that was proven wrong again tonight. 

The first email that was sent, was sent to my manager at the time (even that in my life has changed now), on May 27 (two days after the 28 week ultrasound).  The email discussed everything that was known and that occurred up until that day. 

This was the first email (I did not update the grammar or the incorrect spelling of the procedures or medical terms, as this just proves my state of mind and lack of understanding at the time):

"Good morning -
I figured I would just email you since it would be easier to capture everything.  Basically this is everything that has happened so far:
I arrived at University of Penn last yesterday afternoon and they completed a 1 hour ultrasound.  They found that the baby's left chambers of the heart are severely dilated and don't have much blood flow moving through them.  I have an ecocardiogram (not sure of the spelling) scheduled for this morning.  The gram will be completed by one of the best neonatal cardiologist in the east coast.  Once the ecocardiogram is complete, we will have more information and answers to the lingering questions.  Currently, they can't rule out much without see the baby's heart in details.  However, they are pretty sure that this heart problem is not genetic or a chromosome issue.  They feel is could be and infection, baby not having enough blood, or structural issues.  They last doctor I saw yesterday said that she is pretty sure the baby has structural heart issues (which she stated was good cause with surgery it could be treated.)  Currently, they are concerned with the heart, but the are also concerned because should the baby not get enough oxygen, due to the heart not working right, they will have to deliver.  That being the case, the doctor stated it would be a tough chance for survival as the baby is too small to operate on right now.  We would have to wait the baby to gain an additional 2 pounds.  However, they have put me on Steroids in case after the ecocardiogram they determine they have to due a C-Section (this increases the baby's lung support).
So, basically today is the day for answers.  I have the ecocardiogram around 9ish, more infectious testing later today, and then another steroid shot this afternoon.  Sounds like I will be staying over again tonight also. 

The doctor was going to consult with me later today, after the testing, to discuss what happens next (bed rest, back to work with loads of appts in Philly, etc.)  Just saw a doctor literally just now.  She stated that more to come today, but if the scan shows that can't do anything for the baby, they will send me home but will ask me to return for close watch almost daily.  She stated if they send me home, there is a chance that I may lose this baby.  So, as I told her, time will tell, and there isn't much that I can do right now, as it is out of my hands.  I pray that God is watching out for this little angel, but in the long run, I am sure God will do what is right for the baby. 

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through (harder than IVF and the months of let down), but I am sure with the support of my family, friends, and co workers that we will make it through.  I will continue to update you as we get more information. 

Thanks for your support and concern.  Please say a prayer for this little baby!


So, wow.  That was me holding on to hope and thinking optimistically and really not understanding that there was something severely wrong with my child.  That was me laying out everything I had been told in the previous 24 hours.  The email shows that on May 27 at 7:27:46 AM, the time I sent the email, that I honestly thought that the baby had hope, that the baby had a chance, that things were going to be okay. 

The second email I came across was sent to my manager on May 28, 48 hours after I was told to "go to Labor and Delivery IMMEDIATELY".  The email discussed the updates in the short 24 hours that had passed.  The 24 hours that CHANGED my entire life forever. 

Here is the second email (again not modified):

"Good morning -
Since I really only have time in the morning to myself, I figured I would update you today from yesterday.  So much happened and I only have a few minutes until the DRs come back in.

5/27 -
EKG on baby - findings were that baby has Hydrops in belly (basically a lot of fluid in the abdomen that isn't supposed to be there), and Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  This is the worst kind of congenitive heart failure in the US.  This is the leading birth defect in the US at 42% with 5000 babies born in the US with it every year.  Survival rates for HLHS are higher in babies without Hydrops. Babies with HLHS and Hydrops have less than a 20% survival rate.

Treatment for HLHS and Hydrops - I will be starting medication today to assist with removing stress from the baby's left side of the heart (this side isn't working at all, but is large and is pushing on the right side cause the right side to struggle, therefore causes the fluid in the abdomen as the baby is in distress). 

The entire family, parents included, will be meeting with the Cardio team, NICU team, and my doctors to determine if fetal intervention is the best option to go.  This would require surgery to me and the baby.  They would cut into my accessing the womb, but not cutting into the womb.  Then they would use a laser to help build a hole in the baby's heart to allow flow.  This would buy the baby time have its heart work a little better, stay in the womb to develop a bit more and get strong lungs before being delivered. 

We are also talking about if the baby survives the fetal intervention, that the next steps would be the "norwell procedure".  This was developed by CHOP (Children's hospital of Philly) in 1980.  It is a 4 stage procedure that would allow the baby to live on the one working heart ventricle, so a 2 chambered heart instead of a 4 chamber.  We have several questions for the DRs today about life long impacts, life of heart expectancy, etc. 

As you can see, our baby is high risk.  The doctors said that since our baby has 4 items in the heart that have failed and has the hydrops, chances of survival are basically "Heroic" at this point. 

On a brighter note, due to the everyday the baby can continue to survive in the womb is another miracle, we did finally decide last night to determine the sex of the baby and give the baby a name.  Our baby is a little boy, who currently weighs under 3 pounds.  His name is Wyatt Gavin McGrory and we hope to be able to get him close to full term to deliver our miracle baby!

Thank you for staying in touch with everyone.  It is hard to update everyone as it is hard to have to repeat all of the information, since every time I find myself in tears.  Please keep everyone up to date.  I will be in the hospital at University of Penn for at least a week, just to get on the heart medicines.  If we decide today that we are doing the fetal intervention, that will take place next week and I will be in the hospital for 2 weeks after.  I am not sure of the address here, but my room is Silverstein 0715, and they don't plan on moving any time soon.  My room number is 215-615-8394.  Today will be busy with EKGs, meeting with doctors, amnio test, and stuff.  I would think I would be back in my room after 7p.  Please ask the team to email for now if they want to make contact as I am not prepared to talk to many.  You can give them this email address.

I will touch base with you via phone either tonight (depending on the day) or this weekend.  I really haven't thought about work and don't plan too, but know that I need to discuss Disability and such with you and HR.

Thank you,

Okay, so you can see, I was told that things looked grim.  Yes, Wyatt Gavin was the name we selected but that only stuck for about 4 hours, we changed it to Wyatt James shortly after.  We had to decide on a name without even discussing many names prior.  So, yes, we changed his name, but only once.  I never remembered them saying "heroic" until reading this again tonight.  After reading this, I remember it like it was yesterday.  Our doctor sat across the table from us and while holding back tears of her own she said, "At this point, the chance of your baby surviving is "heroic"".  Damn, what the hell.  Why didn't I actually listen to what these doctors were telling me?  Why didn't I hear it?  They were telling me all along to prepare myself, I was going to lose this baby.  But I didn't hear that.  I only heard what my mind wanted me to believe, that WE could be that very small percent that MAKES IT.  You know, thinking back on it, when I was wheeled away for surgery on June 4, Brian and I never even said goodbye to Wyatt.  We didn't talk to him, we didn't tell him we loved him.  We kissed each other and said "I love you".  That was it.  We honestly thought Wyatt was coming out alive.  We didn't feel the need to say goodbye.  How freakin' naive.

While eating dinner, after reading the emails, I found myself throwing thoughts around in my head.  The thoughts were as follows:

1.  Damn, you were so naive.
2.  If only you knew what the future held, if only.
3.  You knew so little about HLHS and Hydrops, so very very little.
4.  Definitely not in a good state of mind, wording was all wrong in the emails.
5.  The diagnosis and treatment was changed so many times.  (I never realized this until tonight, when reading the daily updates.)
6.  Prayers were not answered the way I had planned.
7.  You have learned so much and come so very very far.

So, I came across those two emails and even a few more that I decided to not publish in this blog (these two said basically the same that the others did, they were just to different people).  I read them word for word.  I thought about them and I cried over the fact that the emails have to be part of my life.  I sobbed over the fact that I really didn't understand what was taking place in my life while it was taking place.  I sobbed harder over the fact that I never said goodbye to my son before surgery, as that was the last time the poor little boy knew what life was like before he got drugged up and operated on, which only resulted in losing the fight that he fought for so long.  I lost it when I realized that there was so much hope, so many prayers and so much love but yet, all the hope, love and prayers couldn't save my son's life. 

I looked back on the past and I sit here with it all opened in my lap and in tears.  Tears as if it was all just happening for the first time.  But guess what?  This time I know what the diagnosis means, I know what the treatment is, I know not only what questions to ask, but I know what to listen for, and lastly, I know the sad outcome.   The baby fights, defeats doctor's expectations, shows so many what it means to really "fight for your life", then loses the battle to medicine, something that offered no hope from the beginning, if I would have only listened. 

Funny how looking back on everything now, I can see so much.  I found a friends blog shortly after the loss of Wyatt.  It was and still is called "On The Other Side".  That fits this post perfectly, "On The Other Side".  Brian and I are now on the other side of the unknown that previously existed, the side that includes grieving, healing, understanding and moving forward.  Wyatt is also on the other side, in Heaven.   

Monday, November 15, 2010

"The Ultimate Gift"

'Tis the Season, right.... Well, it is the season for wonderful movies on the Hallmark channel.  Movies with morals and lessons to be learned.  Everyday from now until Christmas Hallmark plays a different "touching" movie.  I have always loved Hallmark movies around the holidays, as they touch that special spot in my heart.  But this year, like everything else, it's different.  The movies touch the entire heart and even make me go "Uh huh" and nod. 

I am sitting here watching the first Hallmark movie for our house this holiday season.  It is of course touching, as all Hallmark movies are.  But this one caught my attention in so many ways, as it fully depicts the lessons I have learned in life over the past five months and the importance of actually living life and understanding life. 

The movie is about a young man who is about to claim an inheritance from his deceased grandfather.  The grandfather has laid out a list of tasks that the man needs to complete in order to receive the inheritance.  Each task is called a gift by the grandfather, and each teaches the young man a life lesson.  The gifts include:

1. Work as a favor
2. Find one true friend
3. Give someone else who really needs money all the money you earned doing hard work
4. Find one thing that your family is truly thankful for
5. Push through tough times that really mean something to you

After the young man accomplishes all of the tasks, he inherits 100 million dollars, of which he uses to build a wing onto a hospital for families to stay in during their child's stay.  The young man doesn't know it, but the grandfather has an additional 3 billion dollars in store to give to the man. 

But the movie isn't about the money.  No, it is about everything I have learned in the past five months.  It is about the importance of life, love, family and giving not receiving.  It is about the importance of how life must be appreciated and not taken for granted, how the small things in life are given too much time and the large things so many leave without understanding.  It is about how so many take everything for granted.  This movie has made me realize how I have only just begun to understand the large things in life, for I always lived for the small things, only recently did I start to live for the large things.  
There were many quotes which I related to in this movie.  I have listed them below:

~ "You haven't lived until you lost everything." ~
~ "Did you know that God paints each color on the butterflies with his finger tips" ~
~ Young man: "If you could dream, what would your dream be?"  Little girl: "To be with people I love and those who love me" ~
~ "Up until now I have only existed.  I have drifted through life day to day thinking that was enough." ~
~ Young man: "I was expecting a different feeling or something."  Secretary: "That is because you are a different person." ~

I can't even pick one of the quotes to say I relate the most to, because I relate to all of them.  However, my favorite, the one that sums up 2010 for me is "Young man: "I was expecting a different feeling or something."  Secretary: "That is because you are a different person."" 

Yes, I am different, totally 100% different.

A Very Busy Weekend

Talk about a busy weekend.... on the move since Friday, but it was great and every memory created included Wyatt in some way or another. 

Friday night we had dinner with new friends, another family who experienced the same pain that we have been through.  The restaurant selection was wonderful as it had some unique foods.  Unique meaning foods like buffalo, ostrich, kangaroo, and alligator.  I stuck to something traditional, a hanger steak, while Brian had a buffalo burger.  Yummy.

The weekend began and it was beautiful.  The weather was perfect, not to cold, not to hot.  We even opened the windows to let in the warmth.  Brian worked in the yard most of the day and tackled the pool (which is still not finished, but one step closer).  I made chocolate chip and sugar cookie dough, washed my car, and made forty-five holiday cards.  Yes, forty-five, and I am not done yet.  I made cards for family and friends, and special cards for my BLMs. 

Later that day, Brian had a bachelor party for his brother and I decided to begin Christmas shopping.  As I thought, this year was going to be difficult buying for our nieces and nephews and not for Wyatt.  But I found away around it.  Brian and I have always called Wyatt, our little monkey, and every time we see a monkey it reminds us of Wyatt.  So, I decided that some gifts would be Wyatt-related this year.  Below are close ups of two of the gifts I purchased on Saturday, which fulfilled the Wyatt-related requirement:

Brian and his brothers have their birthdays around the same time, so Sunday we went to his dad's house for a birthday dinner.  We also celebrated one of our niece's birthdays, she will be turning one!  This is the start to the holiday chaos.  Every weekend from now until next year, we will have something to do and some place to go.  Nothing kicked off the start of the season better than trying to get a grandchild photo for the grandparents. 

As you can see, it didn't work too well.  Eight children and a monkey make a tough crowd to please.  When one is happy, another is crying.  At one point, four of the eight children were in tears, making the mommies call it off.  We will be trying the photo session again next weekend, with hopes that the eight children and the monkey can all smile together for a picture perfect memory. 

A vacation day was taken by me today.  I enjoyed the time off and got a lot accomplished.  I cooked an awesome dinner (boneless spare ribs) and cleaned the house.  I also found time to start a new baby blanket, pictured below:

And with the mail today came a free gift.  The one from Similac that I FB'ed about last week.  The photo book that we created for Wyatt.  Something about receiving that bright orange Shutterfly envelope gets me every time.  This time, it was because my son's memories were gathered inside.  A perfect way to end a very busy weekend.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

November 11 - 11/11

If you have followed my blog for some time... you will understand the importance of this. The only thing that could be better would be 11:11 on 11/11, of which I received a text at exactly this time today from a very dear friend.

What could even be better? 11:11 on 11/11/11. Well, let's get to 1/11/11 first. And believe it or not, I have a doctor appointment on that very day, 1/11/11.

Search for Heaven

Is Heaven in the Yellow Pages?
By Donna Groleau

Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away.
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book?
Is Heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time. She really needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, Is it listed under Heaven?
I can't read these big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry.
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go.
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall.
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call.

This poem, though it is about a little girl and her mommy, it spoke to me. I haven't been to church since Wyatt's memorial service and before that, I didn't go very much. I believe in God, and I made my necessary sacraments to marry my husband in the Catholic church, because that was our belief. However, we seem to have an issue with getting up every Sunday to head to church. (There are more reasons behind that, but I will not get into them here.)

I am not going to lie, I questioned church, God, and the Bible before the loss of Wyatt. I guess you could say, I "semi believed". It was hard for me to believe in something I couldn't see, something that there was no proof of. But as I have said in previous posts, I have changed. It amazes me, as I was one who only "semi believed", that as soon as I found out about Wyatt after the surgery, I immediately turned to God. I immediately knew that my child was in the hands of God. Funny how one who only "semi believed" found God so quickly during such a difficult time. But it is true.

Since June, well no, since July, I don't find myself questioning God, the church, or the Bible. I still questioned in June and yelled at God for what he did. I was hurt, upset and felt that I was being punished. But I have come to realize and understand that life is out of my control and in the control of someone else. There is a greater being. I have been able to relate to so many Bible versus. I have found peace in knowing that my child is in the hands of God and will never have to suffer more than what he did In Utero.

I think I may have found myself asking if Heaven was listed the yellow part also, but I know now that I need to take the number off the wall and call it in order to complete the search for Heaven.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My Path

Today's post is one that I have to get out there. When you read it, I don't want you thinking, "She was improving and now she is falling backward again." If you think that you are wrong. No, that is not the case. However, this is just another way of becoming happy, getting out the feelings and explaining me. Believe me, I am the happiest I have been since May 26 and today, like yesterday, things continue to get better.

Today, I found myself responding to a statement I received about why I sounded different. It wasn't something that I had planned on really responding to, but I eventually realized I had to do it. It was lingering in my mind and I had to provide a response to the statement.

So this was my response:

"Sound different, yea, cause I am. Life is not what it used to be. Everything is different. Everything. The way I get out of bed, different. The way I breathe, different. The way I view things, from sights, to words, all different. The way I look at life, different. It is all different, and it will never be the same. So, yea, different. That is for sure, that is my life, DIFFERENT. You selected a good word to use, different basically sums it all up. Please know that not all is different in a bad way. Some of this different is good. Some is positive, but most is just, here we go again, different. When living for 30 years and seeing things one way, to have to change how those same these are viewed is extremely difficult. It is called change, and although that is life, it is hard when it is forced on someone.

To live life with a plan and then have that plan crushed so hard and fast, is painful. It hurts, it’s the worst pain ever. To finally pull away enough from the agony of this pain to the point in which I can look back a little, is helpful, but it makes me realize just how painful it all really is. The pain of the dull knife going through my heart will never go away. It will always be there and I get that. It is now my task to figure out how to deal with it. I will find a proper way, but until then, I sit at a crossroad. Just like the movies, where they display the crossroads as two dirt paths leading to anywhere, but basically nowhere, that's me right now. Sitting smack in the center where the two dirt paths cross, looking all four directions, and wondering where the next step is going to lead me. Obviously, I have no choice. If I did, I would have never led myself here. However, one has to question where the next step will take them. Without the question, what is the mystery of life, right?

There is a quote out there, that I find myself reading over and over again. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I am sure you have heard this quote. You see, the problem with the past five months of my life, is the wisdom to know the difference is clouded with this horrible dense fog. So dense that I seem to find myself questioning everything and everybody, even things that I can't see. I have questioned the purpose of life, God, the powers to be, I have even questioned my own sense of judgment, of which I haven't been able to provide answer to. So this quote, that I used to take lightly, well, I now take it very heavily. It weighs on me as I try to determine where the wisdom went to know the difference between what I can change and what I need to accept. I can't seem to accept the fact that one of the worst things that could happened, happened.

No one prepares themselves to lose something they want so very badly, especially when it took so long to create. Society doesn’t prepare one for what to expect after losing a child or a baby. No, because in our society, babies and children just don’t die. When it happens, it is not only the parents responsibility to grieve, heal, and find peace, but it is also their responsibility to deal with the rest of the world, SOCIETY. Because they are ignorant, ignorant to it all, like it doesn’t exist. It’s hard, and again different. I have never had to deal with something that so many know nothing about. I have never had to experience talking to my family about something that they can’t honestly relate to. Again different.

You’re probably asking yourself if I have gone off the deep end or just plain lost my mind, though in the same thought, you may understand. I haven’t done either, hope you know that. I have however grown, understood things that I never imagined I would have to understand, gone through something that was so painful that there are no words to describe, and yes, I am different. Different because of all of it.

Different because the person who used to be so in control, lost control of virtually everything with a blink of an eye. The person who had goals that were achievable, no longer has the same goals, because let’s face it, one was achieved and then forfeited in a matter of a few weeks, so why bother. The person that many once knew is now so very different it amazes even her. Still the same on the outside, but 100% different on the inside. Things that used to upset me, I could care less about. The focus that was placed on the details of everything, gone. There is a new outlook on life, and it doesn’t include anything that it used to include. Everything has changed, everything."

Again, like I said, the above response does not mean I am going backward. To me, it means I have just taken another step forward. I am proud of realizing all of the above, understand where I have been and what has taken place in my life. I am happy that I have come so far in just a short one hundred and fifty-five days. I think I am headed down the right path. The path that I don't know where it leads me, but I will be happy with whatever is at the end. The path that I will call my own, regardless of the bumps, pot holes, or down trees. The path that is My Path.

Monday, November 8, 2010

And the day just keeps getting better....

Today was doctor visit number two. Although we didn't think that we would dive into this again (not being specific for a reason), we are diving. It's good, didn't think it would be, but it is. Walking out to the end of the board, looking down, and realizing that the drop is far but we can handle it, feels good. We have been here and done this before. It's not the first time. The visit today brought positive and hopeful news. I left with a smile.

For a few days, things have seemed happier. Realizations have been made and continue to be made, making each day a bit easier. Conversations that occurred today, would have gone a lot different a few months ago, even a few weeks ago. It is getting easier.

Life on Mount Eden is looking up, for once in five months. It feels good, real good. There will still be bad days, I know. Hopes are not high, like they were in the past. But smiles are on the faces of two individuals in a little house on a country road.

Upon returning home from work today, I paid a visit to the little black box with the red flag. To my surprise for the first time in a few weeks, I received some special mail. Not one, but two! I received two cards from BLMs. I thought to myself, "And the day just keeps getting better." I love receiving mail from BLMs, it means the world to me. When I opened the cards up, not only were they cards, but each had its own little personalization. Thank you girls, thank you!!!!

Each card had so many wonderful details. From the envelope, to the card, to the inside contents. You can tell when a card is from a BLM, because so much love and care was put into it. See for yourself:

And what a wonderful quote, so very perfect....

So as the day is drawing near, I find myself reflecting on nothing but good things today, which brought even more happiness. Yes, it is getting easier. Time doesn't heal, the pain will never be healed. But life is unfolding around us and the sun seems to be just down the path ahead of us.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Baking Out the Blues

I woke up this morning and laid in bed playing with my dog, Cody. I was about to get up when I realized "Oh crap, it is here again, the damn 6th." It seems like I have lived my life around this number, I hate this number. Hate is a strong word, but I HATE the number 6. As much as I wanted to just go back to sleep and wake up on the 7th, I couldn't. I had to get up! I had to get up because I had to pee, BAD. (Sorry, TMI, but it's my blog, my life, remember that!) Otherwise, I may still be in bed, sleeping this horrid sixth day of the month away.

Since I was up and was moving, I decided I should do something productive. I decided today would be a great day to bake holiday cookies. I mixed the sugar cookie batter and placed it in the fridge to set. Then I began thinking of how the day had been going. Although it was the sixth, it was going pretty well. The tears weren't flowing, my heart wasn't throbbing (it was hurting but not throbbing), the tude was under control, and I was actually skipping through the house. Could it be, am I becoming a bit like my old self again, the Megan before the life altering change?

After waiting the two hours for the dough to set, I pulled the batter out of the fridge and started using the cookie cutters to make the holiday cookies. Of course, rolling and cutting sugar cookies takes time, so I had plenty of time to think. I found myself thinking of the fact that today we just hit the five month mark of losing our precious son. Five months is a long time, don't you think?

Five months since June 6 is exactly one hundred and fifty-two days, and to be honest with you, I only remember two of them. I remember the day my son became an angel, and the day that we said our last goodbye. That means, there are one hundred and fifty days of my life that I lived and have no idea what I did, no concept of things that occurred, and no understanding of anything that really happened.

In that very moment, I remember placing the first snowman on the cookie sheet to bake. I looked at this little cutout and thought, "How can you live for one hundred and fifty-two days and only remember two of them? Is this what Wyatt would want? If it was reversed and Wyatt was living and Mommy died, Mommy would want Wyatt to live and remember living. So start living for Wyatt, start remembering." With that, I took a toothpick and etched our names into cookies for Santa.

The stale taste of the fact that today is the sixth day of the month is still there. But it is different. I understand the importance of having to live and remember. Making holiday cookies is not something I would have ever thought could help me down this road. However, on this sixth day of the month, I made holiday cookies, and I spent the day baking out the blues.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Message from God

Since creating a FB account, after telling myself I would never have one, I have utilized the account for many things. To connect with old friend, to meet new friends, to meet others who have experienced the same pain from the loss of a child, and for fun. However, there is one application that has appealed to me since the beginning, and it doesn't fall into any of the categories above. The application is called "Message from God". Each day, you can retrieve your message from God by clicking the application. For many days, I have been clicking to receive a message, for more than 120 days actually. (Wow, 120 days, that is a whole different blog post) Each day I look forward to clicking for the message because I try to correlate the message to my life. Something fun that I like to do.

But today, the message that was received, didn't require me to find the correlation of the message to my life. Today's message was straight and to the point. Today's message had been provided to me from someone else just hours before clicking this message.

The "Message from God" today was:

On this day, God wants you to know.....
... that there is no such thing as a problem without a Divine gift hidden within it. You have these problems because you need the gifts they carry within.

Okay, so quick rewind on the past five months of my life. Actually, the past four years. Ready?! Loss our son, HLHS and Hydrops Fetalis, low laying placenta, only one egg retrieved from IVF, many failed IUI's, clomid and injections not working, 26 months of failed attempts, let's try for a family, one year of marriage, our wedding day. So there you have it, the quick rewind. Four years of marriage which have resulted in pain, grief, sadness, and weakness. But with that came strength, love, understanding, caring, and a bond that will never be broken.

Today was the first time Brian and I returned to our IVF doctor, since our 10 week gestational visit with Wyatt. The appointment went as excepted. A lot of questions from the doctor, conversation around Wyatt's pregnancy, somber apologies and many caring statements. After reviewing the chart and taking more notes, the doctor said in the most sorrowful of tones, "I just don't understand it. From the beginning, this has been a story. God has a balance sheet, but it just doesn't seem fair." I agreed. He continued by saying, "There is a reason." I said, "Oh good, when you find it please let me know what it is, because I have been searching and I have found none."

The response I received, I appreciated. The doctor looked up from his paperwork and calmly said, "It's not for us to find. It will present itself to us within the next year. I know it. When it is ready, it will present itself, we can't search for it, it will come to us." As you can see, the message from God has been presented to me twice today. Once by a doctor, who created my son who is now with God, and once in a "Message from God".

Four years of marriage with problems of conceiving has brought us the gifts of understanding, caring, listening, and love. Losing our son has given us the gift of an angel, appreciation of life, and peace. And today's doctor visit, as well as my "Message from God", has allowed for a greater knowledge of it all.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Four Questions (A Little Thing)

I fell asleep last night thinking about something I had commented on a friends blog earlier in the day. The friend was accepting questions from others (cool idea, I thought) that she would eventually take time to answer. Having an instructor mindset, I quickly came up with four questions that would also make great icebreakers in a classroom environment.

The questions were:
1. What is the one thing that you really want to do/accomplish before your time on Earth ends?
2. If given all the money in the world, what would you do with it and why?
3. If you could travel back in time, would you change anything, why or why not?
4. If you could have a different name, what would it be and why?

After typing these questions, clicking the post comment button, and then receiving a response that my friend receive the comment, I began thinking. I thought about how I had just asked a friend to answer questions that I have never honestly given much thought to. I brushed it off and thought, "It's okay, it's just questions."

But at 11:42p, I found myself laying in bed thinking about the questions again. I realized that I needed to answer them myself. It's amazing how little things pull at me now, nag like a song stuck in my head or taunt me with an envious mockery. But they do. It's the little things that make me realize I have taken life for granted all these years. It's the little things that require me to change.

Today, is November 4th. Just another day to many. But it is the five month mark of Wyatt's surgery, the surgery that made him an angel. Today is a perfect day to answer the four questions, the same ones I asked my friend to answer.

So here goes:

What is the one thing that you really want to do/accomplish before your time on Earth ends?

I would like to accomplish having a family, with a child living on Earth. I want to experience the firsts and share them with my family. All of the firsts: the first step, first tooth, first word, first grade, first dance, first car, first boyfriend/girlfriend, first house, first grandchild.

If given all the money in the world, what would you do with it and why?

I would use the money to ensure those wanting to have a family could embark on their dreams. I would start a foundation that would provide financial assistance to those struggling to create a family. The funds could be used for medical procedures, adoption, or to help a child in distress.

If you could travel back in time, would you change anything, why or why not?

I think many of you will be surprised at this answer. No, I wouldn't change anything. Of course, I would love for Wyatt to be alive here on Earth. I would love for him to be in my arms right now. However, in the past five months, I have realized that there is a reason, a reason for everything. If I were to travel back in time and change one event in my life, another event may have never happened. Although there are several events in my life that I regret, dislike, think are wrong, or wish never took place, it took all of those events, combined with all of the good events, which led me to who I am today. Who am I to change an event? My path was decided for me before birth, I believe that now. If I were to change something, I would not be on the correct path. I would be missing something that was meant for me to see/feel/experience.

If you could have a different name, what would it be and why?

I would want the name of Mommy. I have dreamed, since I was little, of being a mommy. I am a mommy to Wyatt, but I never got to hear the name. If I could have a different name, it would be Mommy.

How can I ask someone to answer questions when I, myself, never gave them thought? I can't. But now I can, as the four questions have been answered and I feel better. The nagging and taunting are gone, as I paid attention to a little thing.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Lucky Turned Unlucky

Today, a friend posted an article on FB about HLHS and the research that took place at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP). Several of the doctors mentioned throughout the article, were doctors who were assigned to Wyatt's case when we arrived at CHOP. Many of the doctors who were mentioned, we met face to face with several times. All were excellent doctors.
The title of the article is "In a Challenging Infant Heart Defect, Two Thirds May Have High Chance of Survival". Arrrrrrrrrrrr. Slam the breaks on. Crash. Boom. Bang.

You have just experienced what it feels like to hit the bottom, were you only receive bad news, every single time another doctor comes into the room, it's more bad news. First, you hear about all the research being done, the numbers, and the success stories. Then you are forced to slam the damn breaks on while you are told that YOUR CASE DOESN'T COMPARE TO THOSE. Your case is worst case and will never be compared to those.

All of the research, studies, statistics, nothing matters in our case. Worst case scenario, it was called. The doctors were great. They were open, honest, sorry for the situation, and explained it well for two parents who had never heard of HLHS before. Each doctor added their own spin on things, but it all resulted in bad news. Each doctor was hopeful, but inside they knew it was the worst case scenario and nothing was going to work.

Here is a snippet of an article from Prenatal Pediatrics:

How common is HLHS and what causes it?
HLHS is one of the most common serious heart defects in newborn babies, seen in 1-4 out of every 10,000 live births. It is believed to make up 9% of all cases of heart defects present at birth, and is twice as common in boys as girls. No one knows for sure what causes HLHS, but it likely happens very early in pregnancy when the heart is developing, around 5-8 weeks of embryonic life.

Nine percent, pretty low number huh? That's what I thought, until I was unlucky enough to have a baby fall into the that 9%.

Another snippet from the same article:

What are the chances I could have another baby with HLHS?
In most cases, HLHS occurs due to chance alone, so the chances for a second affected pregnancy are generally only 2-3%, though some studies suggest a higher chance of up to 13.5%.

Two to three percent, low right? Even thirteen and a half is still low. But not to me.

Look at the numbers, look at the chance. Wyatt fell into the low numbers. Wyatt could never catch a break, he was always in the lower, greater risk, not likely for survival numbers. Even in the article that was posted today, Wyatt was part of the low number, part of the one third of fetuses that were considered high risk, the 32%.

How can one egg become so lucky during the IVF process to develop into our ONLY embryo. But then become so unlucky that it turned into that 1 in 100,000 babies to get HLHS and still be one of the babies to fall into the one third of fetuses in the high risk category with HLHS, and then lose the battle.

It just isn't fair, but that is life right? Not fair.

Monday, November 1, 2010

"The Baby Didn't Make It"

Every now and then, I find myself revisiting Wyatt's obituary on the funeral home's website. Why? I don't honestly know. It's not like I find peace in it and I really don't enjoy visiting a funeral home's website to see my son. But after giving thought to the reason why I may continue to revisit Wyatt's obituary, I have decided it is because it takes me closer back to the day we lost him. Just tonight, I found myself revisiting his obituary. I took in each word as if it was the first time I had read it. Afterwards, I thought, "Really, are you really reading it again? Nothing has changed, he is still gone, the words haven't changed and life is still the same. He is gone."

Over the past few days I have had several moments. I can't really explain them in writing, and words do them no justice. But these moments really get to me. The moment from today actually hurt. I was sitting at my desk, on a conference call. While listening to the call, I sat in a daze, starring at the two photos of Wyatt on my desk. I remember thinking, "He is gone, he is really gone and he isn't coming back." It hit me.

I honestly believe that it literally had just hit me, like really hit me, for the first time. For the past almost five months, I have known that my baby has been gone. He died In Utero, I know that. But for most of the past five months, I kept thinking he was coming back, as if he was being borrowed, because a child just doesn't die. Not a child who was wanted so badly, not one who was loved so very much. Wrong! It hit me at that moment, on that call. The heavy push on the heart, the pain in the back of my throat, the tears welling up in the eyes, the weakness that was felt throughout the body, it all hit me. I couldn't move.

I shook my head, looked at the pictures again, took a deep breathe, and thought "You already knew that, you knew he was gone. It's been like this for almost five months now, where have you been?" Well, the truth is, I have been stuck in the moment. Stuck back on June 4, when the doctor told me over and over again that "the baby didn't make it". Stuck in the shock of those words. I have been trying to process those words for almost five months now, each word, one at a time. There are five words and it took me five months. "The baby didn't make it".

It hit me today that the baby didn't make it. When I viewed the obituary tonight, I knew I wasn't returning closer to the day we lost him, I was drifting further away.

The baby didn't make it, I finally understand, he is gone forever, he was not borrowed and he is not coming back.