Sunday, August 29, 2010

Life without a Plan

So that's it... My maternity leave is over effective tomorrow at 8a, as I walk into that building again to sit at my desk and begin to work again.

I can't believe it. Twelve weeks, just like that over. I remember talking with someone the other day and they asked if I did anything. That is when I started thinking, "what did I do?"

It's not like I had a baby to take care of, right? Right. But thinking back on the past twelve weeks, I have done a lot. I didn't do anything dramatic to the house or get a lot of what I wanted to do done. But I did do a lot.

I delivered my son. I said goodbye to my son. I grieved for my son. I learned a lot about the meaning of love and life. And most of all, I learned a lot about my husband and myself.

So yes, maternity leave is over. I am returning to a part of my old world. It won't be the same though, nothing is.

Just like old times, I have my lunch packed, the laptop ready to go, and my badge tucked in my purse. I am ready to leave for work tomorrow, back to drive the same route, and sit at the same desk. I will be working with mostly the same people. But it still won't be the same.

I have photos of Wyatt ready to take to work to put on my desk. I have my outfit all picked out and ready to go. I even know what we are having to eat for dinner tomorrow night. The one thing I don't have planned is what I am going to say when someone asks "how is the baby?"

Nope, I haven't planned that, and I am not going to. If the question is presented, they will get the answer that comes out, whatever it may be.

The biggest thing I have learned in the past twelve weeks is that I can't plan for everything. I wanted to plan when I would have kids, that didn't work. I wanted to plan what my maternity leave was going to be like, that didn't work. I wanted to plan my life story, that didn't work.

So, I have decided that planning isn't for me. It just doesn't work. So I will now begin living life without a plan.

I am returning to work tomorrow without a plan, none what-so-ever. For those who know me, not having a plan is definitely not me. But hey, "life without a plan" has to bring brighter outcomes than "life with a plan" did, right?


Whittney Tomczyk said...

I feel the same. It seems like nothing works out according to "plan" so I am just open to whatever comes. My life is nothing like I ever wanted it to be, so what is the purpose of still expecting things to turn out a certain way?

Michelle said...

well-said. i think that if there's one thing we've all learned is that making plans is a joke. life happens, no matter how much we plan for it.

Tiffany said...

hugs mama. Its so hard going back to work and being asked that question. even worse if there are other pregos that you work with. What worked for me was asking for more time off for bereavement. Im not sure what your work policy is or your situation is, but if you have it available and can afford some extra time off I highly recommend it. Sending you some peace and hope tomorrow is kind to you. hugs.

Laurie said...

Peace and hope from me too. You will be on my mind...

And...ditto to the ides of "plans"...I hear you...

And...ditto to the bereavement time option. I support keeping that idea open to explore.

Take heart...and don't hesitate for a second to tell everyone how wonderful Wyatt is...and how much you miss him. You get to be a proud and devastated mom... and if you cry or not, or anything, don't think twice about other people's feelings and if they are comfortable or whatever k?

Know...we are holding you up and standing with you.