Friday, August 13, 2010


Have you ever been in a situation where you have to make a life or death decision? I am sure we all have been in this situation sometime during our lives, but I never thought that I would have to make a TRUE life or death decision!

The hardest decision I would ever have to make showed its ugly face to me on Thursday, May 27. I will never forget it. Brian and I sat in this tiny little room with our parents by our sides. The doctor from Fetal Cardiology said, "So you have a decision to make, you can either do nothing and allow nature to take its course or you can try the fetal intervention procedure."

I was numb. Just 48 hours ago, I was counting down the hours until I could see my child on an ultrasound image. I still didn't know whether we were having a boy or a girl. Just 48 hours ago, I was talking to a co-worker about the plans for our nursery. And now, I am watching the doctors lips move, I hear her telling me that, "your baby is very sick", but I feel like I am dreaming.

Of course my question was "without the procedure the chances are what?". The dream continued, "the baby will not make it but a few more days, if that". She continued with, "the fetal intervention could help the baby, but survival is about 10%".

The doctor and nurses left and took our parents with them. Brian and I sat, looking at each other in disbelief. Our baby that we had so many hopes for, who was perfect just 48 hours ago, is DYING? Are you freaking kidding me? How does something like this happen to someone who did everything right during her pregnancy?

And, they really want us to make that decision now, when we just were informed that all of our hopes and dreams had been torn from us?

So there we were, two lost parents, not knowing what was the best road to take for our unborn baby. Two parents who never believed something like this could happen. Two parents who didn't agree on which road to travel.

The doctor came back in, asked what we decided. The answer was silent. We hadn't decided on anything. Just that we both had different directions toward what could be the same destination.

After further discussion, we decided to take the road which allowed for medical help. We allowed the fetal intervention. It didn't work.

Was it the right decision? We will never know. I think about it every single day. I wonder if we would have followed the directions down the other road, if the destination would have been the same. Would the drive have taken longer? Would we have had to pay more tolls? Would the car have made it with both the driver and the passenagers?

We will never know. All I know is that I made the hardest decision possible on Thursday, May 27, 2010. There was no TomTom to provide the correct directions for this life or death decision.


Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of our sweet baby boy, Wyatt. He is so beautiful.

This the hardest decision anyone can ever make -and it so maddening that we, as parents, have to make it about our little babies.

I know for us there was no question that our little girl, Acacia, born with trisomy 18, was not meant for this world. She had so many physical defects. But I sincerely hope that holding my daughter in my arms as she died is the hardest thing I ever have to do. I imagine parenting a living child will be a piece of cake compared to grieving a dead one (at least I sure hope so!).

Lots of love to you.

Michelle said...

i love the analogy