Friday, August 27, 2010

Forward, Backward

Last night I had one of those "he is supposed to be here with us" moments. These moments suck. There isn't another way to put it.

I don't know how to describe what these moments are like but these are the moments when I realize that he is gone FOREVER. I remember thinking at the one month mark, that he would be returning. In my heart, I knew at the hospital that he was gone. But in my mind, it just felt as though someone was borrowing him until his due date.

Now that his due date has come and gone, that's it. My heart and mind are on the same page. He is never coming back. I will never hold MY child in my arms, see him smile, hear him call me Mommy. I will never teach him what life is about, instead he has taught me.

People continue to tell me how strong I have been and how proud they are of me. To that I have to laugh. I am not strong. It's not like I am trying or working towards accomplishing something, like I do with other things in my life. I am just living each day, one day at a time. And why would someone be proud? There is nothing to be proud about. I delivered a child who couldn't even enjoy a moment in this world.

I often wonder if my child suffered his entire life. They say that his heart condition developed between weeks 8 to 10. So was pain the only thing that my child knew? I continue to go back in time and think about what I was doing at weeks 8-10. But that just allows for unanswered "what ifs".

If you are reading this and you think that I need help or I am not healing, you need to think again. Sometimes to take a step foward, you have to take two steps backwards. I am so tired of hearing that I need to move on, put it behind me. You step in my shoes. How would you feel if you didn't know if your child was suffering for 29 weeks? How would you feel if you tried to conceive for 26 months and you were let down EVERY SINGLE MONTH. How would you feel, if you finally accomplished your dreams and then you woke up one day and they were all CRUSHED? How would you feel if you lost your child and you were standing in the dark because you had no clue if you could even conceive again.

When you can answer all of those questions, then tell me to move on and put it behind me.

I will continue to move forward, but that means there are times when I must move backward. That is how life works. Think about it. We are always pushed to move forward in life, develop new skills, become independent. But in the end, we are not independent. In the end, we all will move backward and become dependent on someone else. That's the story of life, move forward to eventually move backward.


Jennifer said...

I think you took the words right out of my mouth. This is how I feel. We tryed for 20 months. 7 of those was IUI's with clomid. So now we have to start all over again. Makes me so pissed off. I hope you are able to start TTC again soon. Bring on the rainbow babies...
Take care.. - Jen

Michelle said...

Want to know something weird. Last night, I was thinking about how wrong everythign was and how he's supposed to be here...and I texted you (around midnight my time) but I never sent it, because I didnt want to wake you up. It said "they're supposed to be here right now"

Wyatt's Mommie said...

@ Michelle.... funny how we have been brought together. We think the same things around the same time and we even eat the same dinners. Yet we are 13 hours away from each other. Strange, huh? I am telling you, Sawyer and Wyatt are BFFs.

Laurie said...

Every word you said. I agree, I understand, and you are so right. Sometimes I even tell myself that I'm making "too much" of this - that I'm being self centered and wallowing in self-pity. Your words help me so, so much. I'm glad to read this today and understand and be understood. My "baby-loss" mommies are keeping me sane. But know, my heart breaks for you - as that was a path we were on - and I know that the rest of the world would never understand how I would feel if I lost her before she was born. And, to this day, I still think about the weeks when her heart was formed. :( All last week on vacation I carried the knowledge heavily "she is supposed to be here, with her sister and cousins..."

Melissa said...

I am also bothered by people who comment how strong I am. Mother Teresa once said, "I know that God will not give me anything I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I always think of that when people tell me how strong I am...I want to tell them how weak I feel. I know they are just trying to say anything that they think will help. Sometimes I'm not sure what is worse, saying something that doesn't mean anything or saying nothing at all. This grief journey is difficult and I think you are right about moving forward and then back again.

turtleohs said...

You don't know me but I heard about Wyatt through my friend (Holly Tate) who also has an Angel baby, Zoey. I've been following your story and your blog is so well written. I think when you look back on it a few years from now you will be glad that you've documented your feelings the way you did.

Every time I see a butterfly I think of Wyatt and you.

To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die. -Thomas Campbell

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Thank you so much for the wonderful comment.

To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die. -Thomas Campbell is one of my favorite quotes of all time!!!!

<3 Thank you