Monday, August 2, 2010

Count Down

Now the count down begins....

I lost my dream that I had wanted to come true for so long and at the same time I lost touch with the real world. Life for me stopped on June 4th, 2010. Well, maybe it stopped at 10:29am on May 26, 2010, that was the last moment of normal.

Since then, I have been living a life where there is no hope, no joy, and no understanding. I have been living the life of a "baby loss mom". Don't get me wrong, I have encountered a new meaning of life, new friends, a new "family". And now that I am starting to gain a routine in this life, my life is going to have to change again.

August 30th, that marks the day that I will have to step back out into reality. This is the day that I am dreading most of all. This is the day that I have to return to where I was during the last moment of my "normal" life. My JOB.

I have worked for the same company, in the same department now for 8 years. I would like to think of my job as my second home. Happy times and good people. However, since August came, I have had this feeling in my stomach, this horrible, awful feeling. NERVES.

I am so nervous about going back work. As I said before, this was where I lived my last moments of normal, in my old life. The calendar will still be turned to May, my coffee cup will still be sitting near my phone, and my To Do list will still have the same items. However, I will no longer be the same person.

I am dreading picking up where I left off. I actually don't think I can. So much has changed now, everything looks different. I feel like I am wearing a new set of glasses and seeing everything for the first time. My biggest fear when I return is that everyone will think I am the old Megan, the Megan before the storm. But I am not.

And so, the count down continues. Only a few weeks left until I return to where I lived the last few moments of "normal". I wonder how differently I will see this place now, as I am sure the "normal" is no longer present.

4 comments:

MetalliKel said...

Megan,
I TOTALLY get it. I mean, I think I do anyway. You are not the same and you never will be: You are wiser and stronger now and people will see that no matter which Megan they are expecting to arrive at work.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

You got it! Thank you :)

Cate said...

You will be able to get through it. It will not be easy, but you will be able to do it. The hardest part will be you walking into a world where life has continued on at rapid speed for everyone else while your life came to a sudden, unexpected halt. It is hard trying to comprehend how the world can continue on when yours has just completely been rocked.

Just be you. I'm always here if you need me.

Melissa said...

Hi Megan,

I got your card yesterday from the BLM blog...thanks, I REALLY needed it yesterday. =)

I can totally relate to thinking about the last time your life was normal and happy. This weekend my husband went to the Madison Farmer's market which has always been a happy place for us, but unfortunately that was what we did the last day before Mikayla was born. I look back at those pictures and yearn for what our life was then.

If you need any support about going back to work, please let me know. I recently went back to work as well on Aug 9. I was very anxious about it, and in the end it wasn't as bad as I expected and it was kind of nice to have a distraction from my grief if only for a short time. I've found each day gets a little bit easier though.