Thursday, February 16, 2012

What To Do

Man, I just don't even know where to start.  It has been a long time since I have really wrote here and I have been thinking about why over the past few days.  I have come to the conclusion that it is mainly because I really don't even know what to say.  I have been gone for so long and so much has happen I just don't even know where to begin, but I decided I had to visit here tonight.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit disconnected with the rest of life.  Things were great and going smooth, Nolan's birth brought a lot of peace and happiness and smiles returned to our home.  But over the past few weeks, I have been feeling a slight tint of those black clouds covering over part of my rainbow.  I can't put my finger on what exactly it is, why I have this feeling, or what is bringing back the clouds.  I just know they are off in the distance but closer than they have been in a while. 

It could be the loss of my job or maybe the uncertainty of the future.  Maybe it is just the fact that I watch my baby grow up but know that our family is still missing one.  Whatever it is, the dark clouds need to move east so I can see my rainbow more clearly. 

I am currently trying to determine my next adventure in life.  Do I try to return to my old employer, move to another employer, or do something for me for once.  Do I want to go back to school and become that daycare director for once and for all?  Or do I sit with a pencil and paper (well, laptop now that it is 2012) and start what I have always wanted do to.  I seriously think the clouds have returned mainly because of what I want to do deep down in my heart.  I just don't know if what I want to do is something that I can do just yet.  The time is perfect since I am not working and I have the time to do it but I just don't think emotionally I can do it yet. 

I have thought a lot about it, more than I probably should because I doubt anything will ever come of it.  I have researched the steps, thought about the layout, started the first step, and even had a light bulb moment the other day that could make everything come together.  I just don't know if I can actually do it. 

What to do... what to do...

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