Man, I just don't even know where to start. It has been a long time since I have really wrote here and I have been thinking about why over the past few days. I have come to the conclusion that it is mainly because I really don't even know what to say. I have been gone for so long and so much has happen I just don't even know where to begin, but I decided I had to visit here tonight.
For the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit disconnected with the rest of life. Things were great and going smooth, Nolan's birth brought a lot of peace and happiness and smiles returned to our home. But over the past few weeks, I have been feeling a slight tint of those black clouds covering over part of my rainbow. I can't put my finger on what exactly it is, why I have this feeling, or what is bringing back the clouds. I just know they are off in the distance but closer than they have been in a while.
It could be the loss of my job or maybe the uncertainty of the future. Maybe it is just the fact that I watch my baby grow up but know that our family is still missing one. Whatever it is, the dark clouds need to move east so I can see my rainbow more clearly.
I am currently trying to determine my next adventure in life. Do I try to return to my old employer, move to another employer, or do something for me for once. Do I want to go back to school and become that daycare director for once and for all? Or do I sit with a pencil and paper (well, laptop now that it is 2012) and start what I have always wanted do to. I seriously think the clouds have returned mainly because of what I want to do deep down in my heart. I just don't know if what I want to do is something that I can do just yet. The time is perfect since I am not working and I have the time to do it but I just don't think emotionally I can do it yet.
I have thought a lot about it, more than I probably should because I doubt anything will ever come of it. I have researched the steps, thought about the layout, started the first step, and even had a light bulb moment the other day that could make everything come together. I just don't know if I can actually do it.
What to do... what to do...