Saturday, June 2, 2012

Holding His Hand

I haven't ever actually gone back to read any of my blog post on this blog as I have always feared it would be too hard to revisit those dark days.  However, tonight I found myself wondering where I was and how far I have come in the past two years.  Since I knew I couldn't revisit posts or the entire story because it would tear open the scar in my heart, I decided to just pull up the post from this day last year.  Here is the post.

It's funny.  After reading that post there is so much that has changed yet so much is still the same.  I don't work any more, something I never dreamed could be possible.  I was laid off with a corporate lay off back in November.  I don't speak in the "bank jargon" any longer.... peer, um no!  BUT, I do still hate turning the calendar each month.  I was actually going to get up to look to see if I had changed the calendar to June today, but I know I didn't.  It is something I thought about but put off because I knew what it meant.  He would have been two in five days.

I remember the doctor coming in after I woke up from the surgery on June 4.  He told me that we needed to deliver Wyatt as soon as possible for many reasons.  I told him that I just couldn't do it yet.  I said I just can't, not right now and I had just been cut from hip to hip so it was impossible to push.  He agreed but said, "tomorrow is the day then because your birthday is on the sixth and we don't want you to share your birthdays."  He was serious.  He continued with, "delivering him on your birthday will be hard psychologically." I think about his statement all the time, but this time of the year is the worst.  WTF!  Did he not bother to the consider the fact that regardless of the day that it would always be hard psychologically?  A-fucking-mazing!  I say this to myself all the time about that doctor.

Although the doctor had his own thoughts and theories, Wyatt and God got there way (as it should have been).  Wyatt was delivered on my birthday, something that I cherish every single day.  I am blessed to share my birthday with my son.  That doctor couldn't have been more wrong.

Although another year has passed, I sometimes still feel like I am back in 2010.  So much has changed in my life, but many of the same feelings and emotions still remain.  This year we will not only remember Wyatt, but we will remember my Mommom also.  Sadly we lost her to cancer at the end of last year.  Two nights before she passed, I whispered in her ear to find Wyatt when she got there.  I know she heard because she woke up and said to me, "What's wrong?"  That was Mommom.  Something was always wrong.  This year is just as tough as last, but I know that my Mommom is up there with Wyatt.  She knows that we celebrate Wyatt's day.  

This was Mommom watching them go up last year.

This year, she will be holding his hand awaiting their arrival.

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