I have been doing fine for the past few months but all that is about to give way. I feel the boards that have been nailed across my heart to protect it about to be ripped off painfully. I can't stop it from happening since I don't know how the boards actually got there. Maybe they were placed when we found out we were having our little rainbow. I think they may have been slowly put up after the arrival of our rainbow. But as the month is drawing near, these boards are about to be torn, slowly, one at a time from a heart that never healed.
I shouldn't say the heart never healed. The heart mended itself but it didn't heal the way it was before. It will never be the way it was before. There will always be a piece of this heart missing. Part is here but the rest is in Heaven. Part is here and the rest is still back in 2010. Part is here and the rest is with my son, the one that I long to be with again.
Two years will be in less than one month, how can this be? He is supposed to be here. He should be playing with his little brother. He should be running around, playing, and laughing. But he isn't. Instead, life has move on without ever hearing the sound of his voice. He never even took a breath of air. He would have been two this year.
I want to be strong and remain strong for his second birthday, I pray that I am. But I feel the pain. I know it is there. It never went away. It never will. I will live with this pain for the rest of my life. I have learned to manage the pain though there are times when it seeps through. There are days that the pain is worse than others.
That's all I can type at this point. I just can't bear the pain. The heartache that the loss of a child brings to a mother is one that no one can ever explain. There just aren't words to explain the pain, the hurt, and the emptiness. The best way I can describe it for now is hollow with hurt beyond belief.
It's coming.... more pain, more heartache. Another year without him. He would be two.