Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Thick of it

Today I find myself among the thick of it.  Two years ago today was a day I tried to hang onto forever.  I had already awoke from a surgery that took your little life and I was told that I needed to deliver you as soon as I could.  I recall telling the doctor that we would wait until Sunday.  I was too weak to push due to the surgery but the main reason for the wait was my selfishness.  I wanted you to remain with me for as long as possible.  You were safe and sound still inside my womb and I didn't want to face the hard reality of the fact that you were really gone.  

It didn't matter what I wanted, you had your own plan.  Though my body went into labor just hours after the surgery, your didn't arrive until Sunday.  There wasn't much to the delivery.  A few pushes and you were out.  You were so tiny and fragile.  I remember thinking how much you resembled your Uncle Ryan.  

Yes, today I find myself in the thick of it.  No, not the pain, but of the memories of two years ago.  The memories of the worst ten days of my entire life.  The remembrance of the events leading up to your delivery.  And I cherish the wonderful moments, though too brief, that you were with us.  I will forever remember the moment when you were place in my arms, the moment when I officially became your Mommy.  

Every day I miss you more and more.  I find myself understanding more than I ever have before about life and the shortness of it all.  I realize that one day Daddy and I will be with you again and it gives me hope.  I also know that you are with loving family and you now have Mommom with you, who will love you as much as I.  

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