Friday, May 25, 2012

Last of the old life

Two years ago today, about two hours from now was the last time I lived the old life I knew.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  My mom emailed me at about this time at work.  The email said, "Are you getting excited?  You will get to see the baby again very soon."  I remember thinking that I wasn't as excited about this scheduled ultrasound as I had been the first one.  We weren't finding out the sex of the baby and this was just to ensure that the low laying placenta had corrected itself. 

I remember getting to the ultrasound office and walking back.  I got up on the table and my biggest concern was ensuring that Brian could see the screen.  We told each other we were still not going to find out the gender if the tech asked us.  After laying on the table, the tech started the scan.  It was silence.  Being naive, I just assumed she was getting the pictures she needed and then she would allow us to see the baby.  I was wrong.  She continued taking images and pressing buttons on the machine.  I looked at Brian and he gave me this look that said, "I don't know what is going on."  I gave the same look back.  The tech finished and said, "Okay, you can wipe off.  Don't be surprised if the doctor calls you tomorrow.  Did he say anything about your size?"  I said, "Yes, he thought I was really large in measurement but he knew I was having this scan so he said this would show if there was anything concerning."  I asked if we could have a photo of the ultrasound, since we received several the time before.  The techs response, which I will never forget, was "No, not this time.  You will probably be back for another scan, maybe then."  I remember swallowing hard and walking out. 

That was it.  We went home to wait.  We were worried, yes.  But not like we should have been.  We had absolutely NO clue what we were about to come face to face with, no clue.  I am actually sitting here shaking my head.  If only I would have had some understanding, something.  I was so worried about cleft palate and not finding out the gender.  I never, NEVER, thought about anything else going wrong.  Thinking back now, I should have been so much more worried.  But I wasn't.  I was so very uneducated on medical conditions that could result in late term loss.  It wasn't something that had entered my mind.  No.  Instead, I remember sitting at home and telling Brian that the placenta must still be low.  If only that was it.