Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Change... it happens!

I have decided that no one really understands, no one but me and my husband.  No one will ever understand OUR story, for it is our story.  I have been realizing this for sometime, but it all hit the fan today and tonight.

Yes, I love the other BLMs that I have met.  I thank most of my family for being so very supportive.  But I have come to realize that our story is our story for a reason, because it's ours.  Other BLMs understand the pain and hurt so they can relate.  Family members can also relate because they experienced the loss too, it was just in a different way.   

But the change in life, well that is different for all.  The change that we each experience is something unique to each of us. 

If I am disconnected with something I was connected with before, it is because my entire life was turned inside out, flipped upside down, and shaken not just stirred.  If you feel that I get irritated more frequently and lose my patience, it's probably because I do.  It has all changed.  It never will be the same, NEVER. 

If you are someone that expects me to be the same as I was before, well my response to you is, sorry it will never happen so deal with it or keep moving.  There are few things in life that I actually care about any more.  Those few things are:  my husband, my children (both Wyatt and Nolan), my family and friends, and my purpose of life.  The rest, I could careless about.  I could also careless about those who expect certain things of me.  The only one to expect something from me should be God. 

Those who expect me to be someplace at some time, yea no. 

Those who want me to give my all, guess what, I already do.  I get out of bed each day, move past the large hole in my heart, and step out into the so called "real world". 

Those who want me to be nice and smile and be friendly, hey reality check, I am trying.  Sometimes it is hard to smile and be nice to people who don't understand, who take things for granted, and who just don't care.  

Those who are offended by my actions, please note that the last four years of my life have been filled with let downs, disappointments, "roller coaster rides", major life changing events, death, loss, a reality check, new life, what ifs, unanswered questions, and people like yourself who just don't give a damn to understand. 

If you are someone nodding to this, THANK YOU!!!  Thank you for understanding, not judging, relating, and for being someone who is opened to the fact that certain things CHANGE people forever.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

And the winner is..............

I was going to use a random generator, but decided that my husband was random enough.  The number he selected was 6. 

I don't think that he made the connection, but I did.  Wyatt was born on 6/6, how fitting. 

So, the sixth comment between the two blog posts per my comment tracking was from SHANNON who said:
"Your story to so touching and seeing how you are honoring and remembering your sweet Wyatt. This is so inspiring to all of us who are struggling."

Congratulations Shannon!!!  You are the winner of the Wyatt's Whisper 10,000 page views giveaway.  Please send me a message either here in this post or to my email crymeg99@frontier.com with the following:
1.  Things (colors, items, etc) that remind you of your little angel
2.  Anything that you think I should know to make your package wonderful
3.  Your mailing address, so I can mail your package out next weekend

A huge thank you to everyone who participated in the giveaway!  You all mean so much to me and the fact that you follow Wyatt Whisper means even more.  Thank you for holding Wyatt in your hearts.

We will have another giveaway when we hit 100 followers.  At this point we have 48 followers. 

.... and we baked a Rainbow!!

Today was yet another day of missing Wyatt and thanking God for Nolan.  I have imagined all day what it must be like in Heaven today.  There must be a lot of rejoicing and celebrating, and Wyatt is there to see it all.  But man, do I miss my child. 

Today has brought tears, laughs, pain, and joy.  I have tried to focus on each of my sons, as I will be doing for the rest of my life. 

Today, we washed some of Nolan's clothes and we baked as we always do for Wyatt.  This time we baked for Wyatt but included Nolan by making the rainbow! 

The cooling process

Yes, that is rainbow colored coconut!

Some where over the rainbow is our Wyatt who gave us our Nolan!

The finished product

Ah, the beauty of color!

Blue for Wyatt


Rainbow for Nolan

I call this a baking success!!!  And the photos are awesome to look at!

The Stylish Blogger Award!!!

Today I received "The Stylish Blogger Award" from Melissa at Laken's Bears.  Of course, with all awards there are rules.  So, find the rules for this award below:

1.) Link back to the person to gave you the award.

As I mentioned before, Melissa from Laken's Bears gave Wyatt's Whisper this wonderful award.  I was pretty shocked to see that we received the award, as it has been some time since we received one.  Melissa just recently donated Angel Pennies to the Angel Care Package Challenge.  The pennies come with a perfect little saying for parents of little angels.  The Angel Pennies will add the perfect touch to each of our Angel Care Packages!  
2.) Tell 7 things about yourself.

1.  I lost my first son, Wyatt James, on my 30th birthday.  Yes, we share the same birthday, not something most Mom's get to brag about!!! 

2.  My husband, Brian, and I have traveled to the Dominican Republic, Jamaica, and St. Lucia.  Our last trip to an island was in 2006, I think we are due for one soon!

3.  We have two dogs, Shelby and Cody, who fill our home with love and noise!

4.  In less than one year, I have met so many wonderful BLMs and learned about so many outstanding organizations.

5.  My favorite movie is "My Dog Skip".

6.  I love to scrapbook and crochet.

7.  My favorite signs from Wyatt include blue butterflies and feathers.

3.) Award other bloggers.

"The Stylish Blogger Award" is to be awarded to 10-15 other bloggers.  There are so many wonderful blogs out there but I wanted to ensure I didn't duplicate anyone. 

4.) Notify the winners!

If I haven't contacted you and you see your name and or blog name here feel free to grab "The Stylish Blogger Award" and repeat by following the same rules when you post it! Congratulations!

- Tiffany from In the beginning there was Genesis

- Lauren from Caleb's Heart Story

- Melissa from Amazing Mikayla Grace

- Emily from Aidan, Baby of Mine

- Mary Beth from Running With Reese

- Lori from Lori Does Maryland

- Julie from My Sweet Kenny

- Nicole from The Avery Diaries

- Lisette from Sami's Blog

- Laura from Gwenyth Carpenter

4.) Notify the winners!

After I notify you, please grab "The Stylish Blogger Award" and repeat by following the same rules when you post it!


Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Early Easter!!!

I created this today to use as my Facebook profile photo.  It just gives me a little comfort and makes me feel that Wyatt is close!!!

I think it's cute and if Wyatt was here with us we would be getting photos of him taken with the Easter Bunny and Easter eggs!!!  The chick reminds me of Wyatt because he was our "golden egg". 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Announcing what will be given away!!!

So you have just a few more days to enter the giveaway being hosted by Wyatt's Whisper.  All you need to do is access this blog post and LEAVE A COMMENT tell me which of the many blog posts over the past 10 months has been your favorite and why:  Giveaway to celebrate 10000!

Without a comment, you are not entered.  The winner will be randomly selected on Sunday, April 24 at 9:00p EST and announced immediately after. 

So without further ado... I would like to announce what we will be giving away. 

I will be creating a wonderful gift bag full of goodies for spring.  The gift bag will be designed with a BLM in mind.  So the goodies will be heart touching, thoughtful, and bring reminders of your little angel.  I will be paying for all shipping and handling fees for mailing the package.  All you need to do, if you are selected as the winner, is provide me with your address and what reminds you of your angel (colors, animals, flowers, etc). 

I am really looking forward to this giveaway and can't wait to read all of the comments!!!  Remember, without a comment, you are not entered.

PS:  Please feel free to share this giveaway with others!!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Spring is here, it is officially here!  We have finally had a few decent days this month.  A lot of rain has fallen from the sky (angel tears I call the raindrops), but the sun and warm weather arrived today.  We hit 82 degrees.

Sadly, I wasn't able to enjoy the warm weather for two reasons.  One, I was stuck in an enclosed building all day with no breaks and no lunch, as I was teaching and prepping for an upcoming class tomorrow.  Two, I am sick.  Nothing like being sick with a stuffy nose, sore throat, throbbing ears and a pounding headache.  Not to mention you can't take anything because you have a new little life growing inside you. 

As I sat here tonight watching the crud on tv, I started thinking about spring and found myself nodding in agreement.  You see, I found myself asking what spring means to me. 

Spring and summer are my favorite seasons.  Fall is okay too, I just hate winter.  Here is my reasoning...  Spring and summer are my favorites because the days are warm, the nights have this refreshing breeze about them, and everything seems so much nicer.  The birds are chirping, the skies are bright blue, and the world seems to have a sense of life. 

Since losing Wyatt, I have dreaded this spring and summer.  Spring, well May 26, was the day my life began to change forever.  I lived in this state of mind where I felt that every conversation I had with medical staff was worse than the previous conversation.  We could never catch a break with it came to medical conversations.  Even after Wyatt was gone, I recall receiving his autopsy report.  I was on the phone with the doctor and she continued to provide details of the pain that Wyatt had to be in during his growth in the womb.  Spring last year was nothing but dark, ugly, grim, filled with horrible news, and eventually with death. 

Think that sounds bad, well the summer was basically the same.  Sitting by the pool every day with the bright sun couldn't even add a sliver of light into my life.  My life was the darkest it could ever get.  I wasn't even supposed to be on maternity leave yet, but there I sat.  I was on maternity leave without a baby.  I was hopeless.  The only egg from the IVF procedure had hatched and it was too early.  Our little chick would never be with us.  Every day I sat wondering and praying for my Wyatt.  I pulled myself from bed every day but let me tell you, it was very difficult.  When I woke up, I laid in bed thinking what I could do to get him back.  How could my child and I be reunited?  I would turn over, cry, look at his photo, and get up.  I moved slower than molasses.  It took everything for me to get a shower and do something.  A load of wash took over an hour to complete, and that was just getting it into the washing machine.  If only given one word to describe my spring and summer last year, it would be HARROWING (dangerous, frightful). 

As I sat on the couch thinking about spring tonight, new thoughts came to my mind.  Though last spring and summer could be called harrowing, my way of seeing spring and summer had changed this year along with all of the other changes in my life.  This spring I have already seen many things that I had never noticed before. 

I noticed when the buds sprouted on the trees, the hostas popping out of the ground, the daffodils poking up and how quickly they bloomed.  The grass has a few shades of green before reaching is true green color for the season, where you ever aware of that?  When the time changed, the birds were more noticeable.  I am not sure if they are the same two birds, but we have two turtle doves that have returned for the season (we had two last year while the events with Wyatt unfolded).  If you lay in bed and listening to the sounds of nature, it is almost like the birds are trying to talk to you or relay a message to you.  Just take the time sometime and listen....

Our two little birds!

The skies seem clearer and bluer in the spring.  Birds, squirrels, bunnies, and other critters all come to life.  Where do they all go for the winter?  The colors of the world come back, the greens, browns, blues, yellows, reds.  As I said, I was nodding.  Nodding because spring is about life.  The cold of the winter kills most plants and many little critters go into hiding.  But the spring brings back the life to the world. 

In fact, I looked up spring in the Wikipedia.  The first paragraph listed is:  Spring and "springtime" refer to the season, and broadly to ideas of rebirth, renewal and regrowth.

Funny how two years can be so different.  Last year, we were dealt the cards that only held the darkness of the loss of our son.  We lived day to day with tears in our eyes and very heavy hearts.  This year, our cards hold hope, a new life, and an understanding of what life is all about.  This year, spring means something that it never has before, it means revival.

A special forget-me-not
He's the beloved little angel
Who's forever in my thoughts

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Giveaway to celebrate 10,000!!!

Hello all!!! 

I would like to show my excitement for the fact that Wyatt's Whisper has been viewed more the 10,000 times!!!!  Today when I opened up blogger the stats page showed 10,064 page views!!  That is so amazing.  When I started this blog, I never thought it would have impact and influence over so many.  I never imagined there would be 10,000+ views, but it happened. 

To celebrate, I would like to do a small giveaway.  The giveaway gift will be a surprise but it will be something wonderful.  In order to enter the giveaway, all you have to do is provide a comment below on which of the Wyatt's Whisper blog posts has been your favorite and why.  The winner will be selected randomly next Sunday, April 24 (EASTER).  I will post the winner in a separate post, and the winner will then need to contact me to provide me with their mailing address. 

I am totally looking forward to reading all of the entries and creating a wonderful giveaway.  Thank you to those who continue to allow Wyatt to live on in our hearts! 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Mollie Arrived!

A few days ago, a friend on FB posted that she was selling Scentsy items.  I had seen the items before, but just didn't have the funds to purchase something even though I had found the perfect gift.  This time, I had the funds and I had given a special item much thought.  When I realized that the item was still available, I quickly ordered it, but I had new intentions. 

I had decided that I wanted Nolan to have a gift from his big brother at home when we returned from the hospital.  The item that was purchased from Scentsy would be a wonderful gift for Wyatt to give to Nolan.  I carefully selected a special scent to ensure Nolan's room would smell wonderful and surround him with a scent of peace while knowing Wyatt is there protecting him.

I figured the item would take some time to receive, but it arrived today.  Upon my return home from work, the package was waiting for me to open. 

The item was perfect!  It is a wonderful gift for a big brother to give to a little brother as a reminder that he will always be with him!!!  The selected scent was perfect also! 

So without any further ado.... I would like to introduce you to Mollie. 

Mollie has been returned to her box to await Nolan's arrival.  She will be wrapped and placed in Nolan's nursery with a card until he comes home from the hospital.  Upon arrival home, Nolan will hear all about his big brother and how he will always have an angel watching over him.  Nolan will then receive his present from Wyatt which will be place on a shelf near his crib. 

Welcome to our home, Mollie!  We are so pleased to have you! 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Join us in our challenge!!!

For those of you who don't follow me on FB, I wanted to post our Challenge here.  Please use the link below to access the details of the Angel Care Package Challenge that I have designed in memory of Wyatt. 


The Challenge is to donate 20, yes that's right, 20 Angel Care Packages by Wyatt's delivery date of June 6, 2011.  That's in less than 2 months!!!!

I am bound and determined to ensure this challenge is achieved even if it means I sit and crochet blankets every night from now until then. 

To date, we have donated 4 Angel Care Packages, all delivered to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.  The next batch will be delivered to A.I. DuPont Children's Hospital in Delaware. 

Please know that your support will allow this Challenge to be successful!!!  If you would like to donate please do one of the following:

1. Send donations of crochet or knit blankets, small (under 12") new or gently used stuffed animals, or hat boxes/decorated boxes to:  Wyatt's Wishes c/o Megan McGrory, 357 Mount Eden Road, Kirkwood, PA  17536

2. Make a safe and secure donation to Wyatt's Wishes using our secure Paypal site.  (Please note, Wyatt's Wishes donates ALL proceeds to Angel Care Packages, NILMDTS, and CHD research.)  Link to Wyatt's Wishes donation site:  Click HERE

Wyatt's Wishes


Saturday, April 9, 2011

God Built Me Two!

Good morning and Happy Saturday!  A few posts back I had offered to answer anyone's questions that you had of me.  I didn't receive any so I moved on to other topics for my blogs.  Well, a few days ago I did receive a question.  A GOOD question. 

For those of you who don't know much about the Baby Lost Mom (BLM) world, let me quickly give you the run down, as you will need it to understand this post.  First, BLM stands for Baby Lost Mom, a term that no mother chooses to be linked to, but once you have fallen into this category you are in awe over the amount of support you receive.  The next term you must understand is one that I never thought would be link to our family so soon after Wyatt's loss.  The term is Rainbow. 

You may be thinking that a rainbow is a sign showing that Wyatt is near, well that is true in a way.  But the definition of a rainbow in the BLM community is the following:

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it's aftermath, it means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.  Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.  

So you can see, that the term rainbow does involve Wyatt but it also speaks of Nolan.  Without Wyatt, there would not be Nolan.  I fully believe that. 

Okay, so on to the question that was asked of me.  The question was, "how do you feel having a rainbow the same gender as Wyatt?" 

Such a great question.  So let's take a trip back to August 2010.  Brian and I wanted to try to conceive again and we wanted to start now.  The doctors had told us that sometimes those with unexplained infertility, quickly and without any explanation conceived after being pregnant once.  With all of the many drugs and attempts that we made trying to conceive Wyatt, I was sure the doctors were not referring to me.  After trying to conceive on our own again for three months, I decided to call the IVF doctor.  We didn't have any embryos, because remember, Wyatt was the one and only Golden egg.  At the first IVF visit, the doctor agreed to move quickly and start the procedures, however, I was mid cycle and he stated that we would have wait it out one more cycle.  The doctor monitored us with ultrasound and told us what he thought the fertile days would be for that month.  Brian and I considered the fertile days and did our "homework", but we just assumed that like before we would be heading back to the doctors next month to begin IVF all over again.  I was prepared for anything, as we were determined to make another baby. 

The two week wait period was something I was all too familiar with.  For with Wyatt, we had 26 two week wait periods.  It's a time of stress and nerves but it is also a time when your mind plays tricks on you.  The month of November 2010 was no different.  Though I was sure we weren't able to get pregnant on our own, I had a shimmer of hope.  I felt like my stomach was get thicker and I seemed more tired.  When I would go to the bathroom I could smell the horrible odor of urine (something that I remembered from being pregnant with Wyatt).  I didn't say anything to anyone but I honestly thought that I might be pregnant.  My period was due on a Monday and I remember not becoming too excited on Monday night when it didn't appear.  Tuesday I went to work and told myself I would stop at the pharmacy on the way home if I still hadn't gotten it.  It didn't arrive.  I picked up the test and took one as soon as I got home.  I held a pin with Wyatt's picture in it while waiting for the results.  I was sure I knew the results but of course had to be 100% sure.  It came back positive.  I sat on the toilet cover, kissed Wyatt's pin and said "this baby is a gift from you my child".  I ran outside to show Brian, as he was working on his car.  We were both in shock.  We were having a rainbow!!!

After the shock of becoming pregnant on our own surpassed, there were several questions that ran through my mind.  The questions were ones that most mothers never think of asking themselves.  The questions rang through my head, "will this baby look like Wyatt?", "what if this baby is a boy?" "God, you aren't going to take this one too, are you?".... 

What if this baby is a boy?  This was something that I considered over and over again.  It was something I hoped for, because Brian and I wanted a boy with Wyatt.  I wanted this baby to be a boy so that we could have a son here on Earth.  But how would that be handle since we lost our first little boy?  I remember having a conversation with a friend about it.  She didn't see my point of view and went on to literally yell at me for saying that I wanted this child to be a boy just like Wyatt.  She told me that one child can't replace another.  I still remember that day, because I had never wanted to punch someone so much in all my life.  I wasn't trying to replace Wyatt, I just wanted another boy since we lost our first. 

I swore up until we found out the gender, that I was having a boy.  Then at the first fetal echo it was confirmed.  The nurse said, "You are having another little man!"  Brian and I were so happy.  We couldn't believe it.  Not only were we miraculously able to get pregnant on our own, but we were given another little boy. 

The weeks after finding out the baby's gender had their ups and downs.  We were excited we were having a boy but there was something that we still needed to overcome.  We needed to understand that this baby was our gift from Wyatt and not our Wyatt coming back to us.  We quickly decided on a name much like we did with Wyatt.  Finding names for boys was something that came to us with ease.  We decided on Nolan and said we would use James as his middle name, after his Daddy and his brother.  Next was the nursery.  Do we keep with the theme we had for Wyatt (gender neutral because we weren't going to find out Wyatt's gender initially)?  We decided to stay with the Pooh theme.  Registry was next, or should I say, it is still next.  I can't get myself to do it.  I could easily reactivate Wyatt's but I feel that is taking something away from him.  I started creating one for Nolan but I haven't finished it because I think of Wyatt.  The registry was the last thing I was working on before finding out about Wyatt's condition.  I just fear the whole registry thing.  We did order furniture.  We spent hours searching for the right pieces only to find ourselves ordering the EXACT same pieces we had selected for Wyatt.  We never ordered them for Wyatt because the timing was interrupted with finding out about his heart condition. 

There are days when I find myself talking to Brian or my mom about Nolan and Nolan is not the name that comes out.  So far, I have caught myself five times.  I know that I am talking about Nolan but for whatever reason Wyatt comes out.  It is at those times when I step back and think about what it would be like to have a rainbow of the opposite gender.  I think about how it may be easier.  But I come back to the fact that God didn't want that for us. 

You see, I was just talking to a great friend about this the other day.  I was explaining to her that sometimes I feel as though God has given us Wyatt back through his brother.  I told her that I understand Wyatt and Nolan are different individuals but there are some things that are so much the same.  Then she said the words.  She said, "I think that you have been blessed.  God has given you two sons, one in Heaven and one here on Earth."  Since that day, I have realized that she is absolutely right.  My children are separate and unique in their own special ways.  Yes, I still believe and always will believe that Wyatt gave us Nolan, for that was his purpose.  But never will Wyatt and Nolan be compared as one, for they are separate and unique children.

So, to answer the question of "how do you feel having a rainbow the same gender as Wyatt?", I feel blessed.  You see, we were given a special gift of a son who quickly needed to return home for whatever reason.  But we were also given another special gift of a second son, our rainbow, who God has decided can stay with us for a while here on Earth.  Just as my friend stated, "One in Heaven and one here on Earth."  Not every family is blessed with an angel son to watch over them and protect them, as well as a son here on Earth.

I want to leave you with a quote I found this morning.

"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory." ~ Douglas MacArthur

God built me two!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

It's God's Choice!

And here it is, blog post number 100!!!! 

For about the past two weeks, I have been thinking long and hard about what to blog about for the 100th post.  I thought I had it all figured out.  Then WHAM.  Just like that warm spring day, May 26, 2010, in a blink of an eye everything changed. 

Today marked ten months since Wyatt was delivered.  Yes, we could have a 10 month old little boy sitting here with us right now, but we don't.  Instead, he is hovering around above watching over his mommy, daddy and new unborn baby brother.  I had been dreading today since last month, something about the double digits of the tenth month makes me cringe.  But the reality is, the day had to eventually come.  It is a day that I will never forget, much like the day of May 26, 2010 with Wyatt.

Today's start was rather somber.  I was late getting up out of bed, couldn't find anything to wear, my hair and I had a fight with the hair dryer, and upon arriving at work my computer decided it didn't want to log in correctly.  I asked a peer if she had ever had days where she knew before arriving to work that she just shouldn't have made the effort to come in.  That was how I was feeling at only 9:00a. 

The day progressed on and I seemed to have experienced a few mild cramps and pains during the morning hours but they had since subsided.  Of course, being pregnant, the bathroom and I have become fond friends.  After the three bathroom trips in the morning, a few hours of teaching, and several issues that were escalated to me though they should have been escalated to someone else, I was finally able to return to the bathroom after lunch.  As I took position on the potty/toilet/hopper/john (whatever you call it), I glanced down and about screamed.  There was blood, something I hadn't seen in almost six months! 

I quickly finished, washed my hands, maintained my composure, and walked almost ran back to my desk.  I knew I had a 2:00p meeting so I did the first thing that came to mind and I sent out a cancellation that read "Due to an emergency this meeting will be cancelled and rescheduled for a later date."  After sending the cancellation out, I grabbed my cell phone and the doctor office number and ran to a "more private" room.  Still maintaining my composure (because honestly I was about to yell very loudly at God), I called the doctor's office and explained the situation. 

The nurse on the other end was calm but sounded concerned.  I explained the cramping and the bleeding and the loss of my first son.  I explained that I was worried and she stated that I should come in.  For a moment I felt okay, thinking I would be seen quickly, then the nurse said, "we can see you at 4:00p".  I said, "What time is it?"  She responded with, "It's 2:00p".  They had nothing sooner and she didn't suggest going to the hospital, so I took it.  I then sat through two hours of torture.

I thought of the day when the doctor called about Wyatt and how he demanded I get to the hospital immediately.  I relived that day over and over again in the two hours of waiting today.  I thought to myself, while starring at my computer screen, how I just can't seem to catch a break.  I even asked what it was that I had done so horribly wrong to deserve to lose another child.  I remember, as I walked out to my car, looking to the sky and thinking how slow everything appeared to be moving, like it was all a dream nightmare.  I recall seeing two birds flying up above and thinking "please don't let this a sign that Nolan is now going to join his big brother in Heaven!" 

I remember, after getting into the car and driving to the doctors, coming to a red light.  It was at that moment that I connected the date (I have an obsession with dates and connections).  I felt something heavy and thick come over me.  It coated my mind and about stopped my heart.  The connection formed and came to me.  Today marked 10 months since I delivered our angel Wyatt.  Today is the 6th.  I freaking hate the 6th.  This cannot be happening, not to me, not today, not on the 6th.  The tears formed.  I moved my wrist across both eyes like windshield wipers and proceeded with the drive to the doctors. 

Brian met me there, thank God, cause I couldn't do this alone.  We took deep breaths and walked into the office.  Of course, I was suppose to have an appointment there tomorrow but this happened today.  The receptionist joked about it and made things a bit more comfortable.  After more than 30 minutes of waiting, we were finally seen.  Not by my normal doctor, no, things never work that way. 

Urine tested okay.  Internal exam showed no fresh blood and the cervix wasn't dilated.  Fetal Doppler gave a good strong heartbeat.  The doctor then said, "I want to hook you up to the monitor." 

The heaviness came back again.  No, please not the monitor.  That was the first step with Wyatt that led to finding out something was severely wrong.  Not the monitor, not on the 6th.  But I had no choice.  The monitor went on and I wasn't even able to see the reading.  I couldn't tell if there were contractions or not, I just had to look straight ahead and wait for 15 minutes.  Those 15 minutes seemed like an hour a year.  More nagging thoughts explored my mind as I sat there starring straight ahead and wondering if my second son would be okay or not. 

I had prepared for the worst.  I swore I wouldn't be optimistic this time, not again.  I did that last time and look at what happened.  This time I was preparing for the possibility of another harsh reality check.  Finally, the doctor returned and said, "Everything appears to be great.  We have a good heartbeat, no fresh bleeding, and zero contractions."  Talk about a relief, oh my gosh.  I found myself trying to find words to say, finally I said, okay thank you.  I took a deep breath, looked at Brian and thanked our Wyatt. 

Today marked 10 months since I delivered Wyatt, but Wyatt is not gone.  He was right there in that doctor's office today.  He was there to make sure his little brother was okay.  Wyatt was watching over Nolan, for Nolan was and will always be our gift from Wyatt. 

Today was horrific, and even that word doesn't describe the full effect of today.  It all flashed before me again, every single detail of Wyatt's pregnancy and delivery.  I realized that there was no way I could go through that again.  But you know, I sit here at the end of the day and in looking back I have realized that I don't get to choose if I go through it all again.  It's not my choice.  It's God's choice!

Friday, April 1, 2011


Well, I received no questions, not a single one.  That doesn't upset me, it just means one of two things.  One, I have laid my story out so well on this blog that there are no questions that remain, or two, you just don't know what to ask.  I am fine with either of those options. This just means that I get to blog about something else before the BIG blog post, blog number 100!

So my topic of this blog will be the new book that I started reading.  I am surprised I am sitting here typing this and not reading the book.  I am so attached to it.  The book is called "The Shack".  I was told of this book by a friend, someone who I care a lot about.  She mentioned this book right after the loss of Wyatt, but I didn't have enough guts to pick it up and read it.  I kinda put it out of my mind.

The other day, I was at my mom's house and happened to see the book sitting there on the counter.  It was then that I recalled the recommendation that my friend had made about the book.  I asked my mom if I could borrow the book and I started reading it this week. 

I don't have many words for the book yet, as I am just getting to the part that I need.  The "let me help you believe in God" part.  But I can say, what I have read, I can relate to.  I can feel the words of the author as I read each of them. 

I don't want to discuss what the book is about, as I don't want to ruin it for anyone who wants to read it.  But I will say, there is a horrible tragedy that takes place at the beginning of the book, similar to my life tragedy.  Though I am only half way through the book, I have already taken several quotes from the book that I would like to blog about here. 

Quote one - "At times he could feel The Great Sadness slowly tightening around his chest and heart like the crushing coils of a constrictor, squeezing liquid from his eyes until he thought there no longer remained a reservoir." 

The above quote is the perfect way to describe the physical pain that I have felt since losing Wyatt.  I still feel the "crushing coils" daily.  Just the mention of Wyatt's name or the glimpse of one of his photo brings the feeling on.  The heart tightens as the emotions begin to build.

Quote two - ""If you couldn't take care of Missy, how can I trust you to take care of me?""

I ask everyday why when I stood in my bay window on the morning of June 4 asking God to please not take my son, why the request was not answered.  I ask what exactly it was that God was thinking the moment he took my son.  I find myself asking why God couldn't cure my Wyatt and allow him to live with his mother and father. 

Quote three - ""Honey, there's no easy answer that will take your pain away.  Believe me, if I had one, I'd use it now.  I have no magic wand to wave over you and make it all better.  Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship."

I really don't have many words for this quote other than, this is all I have wanted to hear since I lost him.  I don't care about the "it will be okay" or the "I am so sorry for your loss".  To read this quote and understand who it is coming from in the book has allowed me to understand that it is okay to hurt and feel the pain. 

Quote four - "There are times when you choose to believe something that would normally be considered absolutely irrational.  It doesn't mean that it is actually irrational, but it surely is not rational."

It's funny how when everything unfolded with Wyatt the first person I turned to was God.  I wasn't nice to God at the time, I was very demanding and made it known that I wasn't pleased with the way events were taking place.  I then went through a period of hatred.  Hate to the one I looked to during the greatest time of need, yes, God.  I am now trying to build that trust back up.  But just as a parent looses trust in a child after a lie, it takes a while to build the trust back to what it was. 

I am sure I will be blogging more about the book "The Shack".  As I said, I am attached.  But for now, I will leave you with this:
I do recommend the book, and I am only half way through.  I hope you enjoyed the four quotes I have selected from the first part of the book.  The quotes are near and dear to my heart and I needed to get them on this blog, ASAP.