Good morning and Happy Saturday! A few posts back I had offered to answer anyone's questions that you had of me. I didn't receive any so I moved on to other topics for my blogs. Well, a few days ago I did receive a question. A GOOD question.
For those of you who don't know much about the Baby Lost Mom (BLM) world, let me quickly give you the run down, as you will need it to understand this post. First, BLM stands for Baby Lost Mom, a term that no mother chooses to be linked to, but once you have fallen into this category you are in awe over the amount of support you receive. The next term you must understand is one that I never thought would be link to our family so soon after Wyatt's loss. The term is Rainbow.
You may be thinking that a rainbow is a sign showing that Wyatt is near, well that is true in a way. But the definition of a rainbow in the BLM community is the following:
It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it's aftermath, it means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
So you can see, that the term rainbow does involve Wyatt but it also speaks of Nolan. Without Wyatt, there would not be Nolan. I fully believe that.
Okay, so on to the question that was asked of me. The question was, "how do you feel having a rainbow the same gender as Wyatt?"
Such a great question. So let's take a trip back to August 2010. Brian and I wanted to try to conceive again and we wanted to start now. The doctors had told us that sometimes those with unexplained infertility, quickly and without any explanation conceived after being pregnant once. With all of the many drugs and attempts that we made trying to conceive Wyatt, I was sure the doctors were not referring to me. After trying to conceive on our own again for three months, I decided to call the IVF doctor. We didn't have any embryos, because remember, Wyatt was the one and only Golden egg. At the first IVF visit, the doctor agreed to move quickly and start the procedures, however, I was mid cycle and he stated that we would have wait it out one more cycle. The doctor monitored us with ultrasound and told us what he thought the fertile days would be for that month. Brian and I considered the fertile days and did our "homework", but we just assumed that like before we would be heading back to the doctors next month to begin IVF all over again. I was prepared for anything, as we were determined to make another baby.
The two week wait period was something I was all too familiar with. For with Wyatt, we had 26 two week wait periods. It's a time of stress and nerves but it is also a time when your mind plays tricks on you. The month of November 2010 was no different. Though I was sure we weren't able to get pregnant on our own, I had a shimmer of hope. I felt like my stomach was get thicker and I seemed more tired. When I would go to the bathroom I could smell the horrible odor of urine (something that I remembered from being pregnant with Wyatt). I didn't say anything to anyone but I honestly thought that I might be pregnant. My period was due on a Monday and I remember not becoming too excited on Monday night when it didn't appear. Tuesday I went to work and told myself I would stop at the pharmacy on the way home if I still hadn't gotten it. It didn't arrive. I picked up the test and took one as soon as I got home. I held a pin with Wyatt's picture in it while waiting for the results. I was sure I knew the results but of course had to be 100% sure. It came back positive. I sat on the toilet cover, kissed Wyatt's pin and said "this baby is a gift from you my child". I ran outside to show Brian, as he was working on his car. We were both in shock. We were having a rainbow!!!
After the shock of becoming pregnant on our own surpassed, there were several questions that ran through my mind. The questions were ones that most mothers never think of asking themselves. The questions rang through my head, "will this baby look like Wyatt?", "what if this baby is a boy?" "God, you aren't going to take this one too, are you?"....
What if this baby is a boy? This was something that I considered over and over again. It was something I hoped for, because Brian and I wanted a boy with Wyatt. I wanted this baby to be a boy so that we could have a son here on Earth. But how would that be handle since we lost our first little boy? I remember having a conversation with a friend about it. She didn't see my point of view and went on to literally yell at me for saying that I wanted this child to be a boy just like Wyatt. She told me that one child can't replace another. I still remember that day, because I had never wanted to punch someone so much in all my life. I wasn't trying to replace Wyatt, I just wanted another boy since we lost our first.
I swore up until we found out the gender, that I was having a boy. Then at the first fetal echo it was confirmed. The nurse said, "You are having another little man!" Brian and I were so happy. We couldn't believe it. Not only were we miraculously able to get pregnant on our own, but we were given another little boy.
The weeks after finding out the baby's gender had their ups and downs. We were excited we were having a boy but there was something that we still needed to overcome. We needed to understand that this baby was our gift from Wyatt and not our Wyatt coming back to us. We quickly decided on a name much like we did with Wyatt. Finding names for boys was something that came to us with ease. We decided on Nolan and said we would use James as his middle name, after his Daddy and his brother. Next was the nursery. Do we keep with the theme we had for Wyatt (gender neutral because we weren't going to find out Wyatt's gender initially)? We decided to stay with the Pooh theme. Registry was next, or should I say, it is still next. I can't get myself to do it. I could easily reactivate Wyatt's but I feel that is taking something away from him. I started creating one for Nolan but I haven't finished it because I think of Wyatt. The registry was the last thing I was working on before finding out about Wyatt's condition. I just fear the whole registry thing. We did order furniture. We spent hours searching for the right pieces only to find ourselves ordering the EXACT same pieces we had selected for Wyatt. We never ordered them for Wyatt because the timing was interrupted with finding out about his heart condition.
There are days when I find myself talking to Brian or my mom about Nolan and Nolan is not the name that comes out. So far, I have caught myself five times. I know that I am talking about Nolan but for whatever reason Wyatt comes out. It is at those times when I step back and think about what it would be like to have a rainbow of the opposite gender. I think about how it may be easier. But I come back to the fact that God didn't want that for us.
You see, I was just talking to a great friend about this the other day. I was explaining to her that sometimes I feel as though God has given us Wyatt back through his brother. I told her that I understand Wyatt and Nolan are different individuals but there are some things that are so much the same. Then she said the words. She said, "I think that you have been blessed. God has given you two sons, one in Heaven and one here on Earth." Since that day, I have realized that she is absolutely right. My children are separate and unique in their own special ways. Yes, I still believe and always will believe that Wyatt gave us Nolan, for that was his purpose. But never will Wyatt and Nolan be compared as one, for they are separate and unique children.
So, to answer the question of "how do you feel having a rainbow the same gender as Wyatt?", I feel blessed. You see, we were given a special gift of a son who quickly needed to return home for whatever reason. But we were also given another special gift of a second son, our rainbow, who God has decided can stay with us for a while here on Earth. Just as my friend stated, "One in Heaven and one here on Earth." Not every family is blessed with an angel son to watch over them and protect them, as well as a son here on Earth.
I want to leave you with a quote I found this morning.
"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory." ~ Douglas MacArthur
God built me two!