Sadly, I wasn't able to enjoy the warm weather for two reasons. One, I was stuck in an enclosed building all day with no breaks and no lunch, as I was teaching and prepping for an upcoming class tomorrow. Two, I am sick. Nothing like being sick with a stuffy nose, sore throat, throbbing ears and a pounding headache. Not to mention you can't take anything because you have a new little life growing inside you.
As I sat here tonight watching the crud on tv, I started thinking about spring and found myself nodding in agreement. You see, I found myself asking what spring means to me.
Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. Fall is okay too, I just hate winter. Here is my reasoning... Spring and summer are my favorites because the days are warm, the nights have this refreshing breeze about them, and everything seems so much nicer. The birds are chirping, the skies are bright blue, and the world seems to have a sense of life.
Since losing Wyatt, I have dreaded this spring and summer. Spring, well May 26, was the day my life began to change forever. I lived in this state of mind where I felt that every conversation I had with medical staff was worse than the previous conversation. We could never catch a break with it came to medical conversations. Even after Wyatt was gone, I recall receiving his autopsy report. I was on the phone with the doctor and she continued to provide details of the pain that Wyatt had to be in during his growth in the womb. Spring last year was nothing but dark, ugly, grim, filled with horrible news, and eventually with death.
Think that sounds bad, well the summer was basically the same. Sitting by the pool every day with the bright sun couldn't even add a sliver of light into my life. My life was the darkest it could ever get. I wasn't even supposed to be on maternity leave yet, but there I sat. I was on maternity leave without a baby. I was hopeless. The only egg from the IVF procedure had hatched and it was too early. Our little chick would never be with us. Every day I sat wondering and praying for my Wyatt. I pulled myself from bed every day but let me tell you, it was very difficult. When I woke up, I laid in bed thinking what I could do to get him back. How could my child and I be reunited? I would turn over, cry, look at his photo, and get up. I moved slower than molasses. It took everything for me to get a shower and do something. A load of wash took over an hour to complete, and that was just getting it into the washing machine. If only given one word to describe my spring and summer last year, it would be HARROWING (dangerous, frightful).
As I sat on the couch thinking about spring tonight, new thoughts came to my mind. Though last spring and summer could be called harrowing, my way of seeing spring and summer had changed this year along with all of the other changes in my life. This spring I have already seen many things that I had never noticed before.
I noticed when the buds sprouted on the trees, the hostas popping out of the ground, the daffodils poking up and how quickly they bloomed. The grass has a few shades of green before reaching is true green color for the season, where you ever aware of that? When the time changed, the birds were more noticeable. I am not sure if they are the same two birds, but we have two turtle doves that have returned for the season (we had two last year while the events with Wyatt unfolded). If you lay in bed and listening to the sounds of nature, it is almost like the birds are trying to talk to you or relay a message to you. Just take the time sometime and listen....
Our two little birds!
The skies seem clearer and bluer in the spring. Birds, squirrels, bunnies, and other critters all come to life. Where do they all go for the winter? The colors of the world come back, the greens, browns, blues, yellows, reds. As I said, I was nodding. Nodding because spring is about life. The cold of the winter kills most plants and many little critters go into hiding. But the spring brings back the life to the world.
In fact, I looked up spring in the Wikipedia. The first paragraph listed is: Spring and "springtime" refer to the season, and broadly to ideas of rebirth, renewal and regrowth.
Funny how two years can be so different. Last year, we were dealt the cards that only held the darkness of the loss of our son. We lived day to day with tears in our eyes and very heavy hearts. This year, our cards hold hope, a new life, and an understanding of what life is all about. This year, spring means something that it never has before, it means revival.
A special forget-me-not
He's the beloved little angel
Who's forever in my thoughts"
Who's forever in my thoughts"