Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Change... it happens!


I have decided that no one really understands, no one but me and my husband.  No one will ever understand OUR story, for it is our story.  I have been realizing this for sometime, but it all hit the fan today and tonight.

Yes, I love the other BLMs that I have met.  I thank most of my family for being so very supportive.  But I have come to realize that our story is our story for a reason, because it's ours.  Other BLMs understand the pain and hurt so they can relate.  Family members can also relate because they experienced the loss too, it was just in a different way.   

But the change in life, well that is different for all.  The change that we each experience is something unique to each of us. 

If I am disconnected with something I was connected with before, it is because my entire life was turned inside out, flipped upside down, and shaken not just stirred.  If you feel that I get irritated more frequently and lose my patience, it's probably because I do.  It has all changed.  It never will be the same, NEVER. 

If you are someone that expects me to be the same as I was before, well my response to you is, sorry it will never happen so deal with it or keep moving.  There are few things in life that I actually care about any more.  Those few things are:  my husband, my children (both Wyatt and Nolan), my family and friends, and my purpose of life.  The rest, I could careless about.  I could also careless about those who expect certain things of me.  The only one to expect something from me should be God. 

Those who expect me to be someplace at some time, yea no. 

Those who want me to give my all, guess what, I already do.  I get out of bed each day, move past the large hole in my heart, and step out into the so called "real world". 

Those who want me to be nice and smile and be friendly, hey reality check, I am trying.  Sometimes it is hard to smile and be nice to people who don't understand, who take things for granted, and who just don't care.  

Those who are offended by my actions, please note that the last four years of my life have been filled with let downs, disappointments, "roller coaster rides", major life changing events, death, loss, a reality check, new life, what ifs, unanswered questions, and people like yourself who just don't give a damn to understand. 

If you are someone nodding to this, THANK YOU!!!  Thank you for understanding, not judging, relating, and for being someone who is opened to the fact that certain things CHANGE people forever.

8 comments:

Melissa said...

I could not have said any of this any better! Hugs! Thinking of you!

Danielle said...

Amen...You are so very right! Love to you all...

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

This is so true. I have had such similar thoughgts and feelings since my daughter died. A piece of me wishes I didn't understand what you mean, but I do - whole heartedly!

shannon said...

Amen to that I couldn't have to it any better

Team Carter Jay said...

I just barely found your blog, and I agree with the posts above...AMEN SISTER!

Michelle said...

couldn't agree more :)

Laurie said...

amen. Cheers. And God, did you say it well. I'll drink to that.

Jillian said...

Right there with you!