For about the past two weeks, I have been thinking long and hard about what to blog about for the 100th post. I thought I had it all figured out. Then WHAM. Just like that warm spring day, May 26, 2010, in a blink of an eye everything changed.
Today marked ten months since Wyatt was delivered. Yes, we could have a 10 month old little boy sitting here with us right now, but we don't. Instead, he is hovering around above watching over his mommy, daddy and new unborn baby brother. I had been dreading today since last month, something about the double digits of the tenth month makes me cringe. But the reality is, the day had to eventually come. It is a day that I will never forget, much like the day of May 26, 2010 with Wyatt.
Today's start was rather somber. I was late getting up out of bed, couldn't find anything to wear, my hair and I had a fight with the hair dryer, and upon arriving at work my computer decided it didn't want to log in correctly. I asked a peer if she had ever had days where she knew before arriving to work that she just shouldn't have made the effort to come in. That was how I was feeling at only 9:00a.
The day progressed on and I seemed to have experienced a few mild cramps and pains during the morning hours but they had since subsided. Of course, being pregnant, the bathroom and I have become fond friends. After the three bathroom trips in the morning, a few hours of teaching, and several issues that were escalated to me though they should have been escalated to someone else, I was finally able to return to the bathroom after lunch. As I took position on the potty/toilet/hopper/john (whatever you call it), I glanced down and about screamed. There was blood, something I hadn't seen in almost six months!
I quickly finished, washed my hands, maintained my composure, and
The nurse on the other end was calm but sounded concerned. I explained the cramping and the bleeding and the loss of my first son. I explained that I was worried and she stated that I should come in. For a moment I felt okay, thinking I would be seen quickly, then the nurse said, "we can see you at 4:00p". I said, "What time is it?" She responded with, "It's 2:00p". They had nothing sooner and she didn't suggest going to the hospital, so I took it. I then sat through two hours of torture.
I thought of the day when the doctor called about Wyatt and how he demanded I get to the hospital immediately. I relived that day over and over again in the two hours of waiting today. I thought to myself, while starring at my computer screen, how I just can't seem to catch a break. I even asked what it was that I had done so horribly wrong to deserve to lose another child. I remember, as I walked out to my car, looking to the sky and thinking how slow everything appeared to be moving, like it was all a
I remember, after getting into the car and driving to the doctors, coming to a red light. It was at that moment that I connected the date (I have an obsession with dates and connections). I felt something heavy and thick come over me. It coated my mind and about stopped my heart. The connection formed and came to me. Today marked 10 months since I delivered our angel Wyatt. Today is the 6th. I freaking hate the 6th. This cannot be happening, not to me, not today, not on the 6th. The tears formed. I moved my wrist across both eyes like windshield wipers and proceeded with the drive to the doctors.
Brian met me there, thank God, cause I couldn't do this alone. We took deep breaths and walked into the office. Of course, I was suppose to have an appointment there tomorrow but this happened today. The receptionist joked about it and made things a bit more comfortable. After more than 30 minutes of waiting, we were finally seen. Not by my normal doctor, no, things never work that way.
Urine tested okay. Internal exam showed no fresh blood and the cervix wasn't dilated. Fetal Doppler gave a good strong heartbeat. The doctor then said, "I want to hook you up to the monitor."
The heaviness came back again. No, please not the monitor. That was the first step with Wyatt that led to finding out something was severely wrong. Not the monitor, not on the 6th. But I had no choice. The monitor went on and I wasn't even able to see the reading. I couldn't tell if there were contractions or not, I just had to look straight ahead and wait for 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes seemed like
I had prepared for the worst. I swore I wouldn't be optimistic this time, not again. I did that last time and look at what happened. This time I was preparing for the possibility of another harsh reality check. Finally, the doctor returned and said, "Everything appears to be great. We have a good heartbeat, no fresh bleeding, and zero contractions." Talk about a relief, oh my gosh. I found myself trying to find words to say, finally I said, okay thank you. I took a deep breath, looked at Brian and thanked our Wyatt.
Today marked 10 months since I delivered Wyatt, but Wyatt is not gone. He was right there in that doctor's office today. He was there to make sure his little brother was okay. Wyatt was watching over Nolan, for Nolan was and will always be our gift from Wyatt.
Today was horrific, and even that word doesn't describe the full effect of today. It all flashed before me again, every single detail of Wyatt's pregnancy and delivery. I realized that there was no way I could go through that again. But you know, I sit here at the end of the day and in looking back I have realized that I don't get to choose if I go through it all again. It's not my choice. It's God's choice!