November 11 - 11/11

If you have followed my blog for some time... you will understand the importance of this. The only thing that could be better would be 11:11 on 11/11, of which I received a text at exactly this time today from a very dear friend.

What could even be better? 11:11 on 11/11/11. Well, let's get to 1/11/11 first. And believe it or not, I have a doctor appointment on that very day, 1/11/11.

Search for Heaven

Is Heaven in the Yellow Pages?

By Donna Groleau

Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away.
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book?
Is Heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time. She really needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, Is it listed under Heaven?
I can't read these big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry.
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go.
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall.
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call.

This poem, though it is about a little girl and her mommy, it spoke to me. I haven't been to church since Wyatt's memorial service and before that, I didn't go very much. I believe in God, and I made my necessary sacraments to marry my husband in the Catholic church, because that was our belief. However, we seem to have an issue with getting up every Sunday to head to church. (There are more reasons behind that, but I will not get into them here.)

I am not going to lie, I questioned church, God, and the Bible before the loss of Wyatt. I guess you could say, I "semi believed". It was hard for me to believe in something I couldn't see, something that there was no proof of. But as I have said in previous posts, I have changed. It amazes me, as I was one who only "semi believed", that as soon as I found out about Wyatt after the surgery, I immediately turned to God. I immediately knew that my child was in the hands of God. Funny how one who only "semi believed" found God so quickly during such a difficult time. But it is true.

Since June, well no, since July, I don't find myself questioning God, the church, or the Bible. I still questioned in June and yelled at God for what he did. I was hurt, upset and felt that I was being punished. But I have come to realize and understand that life is out of my control and in the control of someone else. There is a greater being. I have been able to relate to so many Bible versus. I have found peace in knowing that my child is in the hands of God and will never have to suffer more than what he did In Utero.

I think I may have found myself asking if Heaven was listed the yellow part also, but I know now that I need to take the number off the wall and call it in order to complete the search for Heaven.

My Path

Today's post is one that I have to get out there. When you read it, I don't want you thinking, "She was improving and now she is falling backward again." If you think that you are wrong. No, that is not the case. However, this is just another way of becoming happy, getting out the feelings and explaining me. Believe me, I am the happiest I have been since May 26 and today, like yesterday, things continue to get better.

Today, I found myself responding to a statement I received about why I sounded different. It wasn't something that I had planned on really responding to, but I eventually realized I had to do it. It was lingering in my mind and I had to provide a response to the statement.

So this was my response:

"Sound different, yea, cause I am. Life is not what it used to be. Everything is different. Everything. The way I get out of bed, different. The way I breathe, different. The way I view things, from sights, to words, all different. The way I look at life, different. It is all different, and it will never be the same. So, yea, different. That is for sure, that is my life, DIFFERENT. You selected a good word to use, different basically sums it all up. Please know that not all is different in a bad way. Some of this different is good. Some is positive, but most is just, here we go again, different. When living for 30 years and seeing things one way, to have to change how those same these are viewed is extremely difficult. It is called change, and although that is life, it is hard when it is forced on someone.

To live life with a plan and then have that plan crushed so hard and fast, is painful. It hurts, it’s the worst pain ever. To finally pull away enough from the agony of this pain to the point in which I can look back a little, is helpful, but it makes me realize just how painful it all really is. The pain of the dull knife going through my heart will never go away. It will always be there and I get that. It is now my task to figure out how to deal with it. I will find a proper way, but until then, I sit at a crossroad. Just like the movies, where they display the crossroads as two dirt paths leading to anywhere, but basically nowhere, that's me right now. Sitting smack in the center where the two dirt paths cross, looking all four directions, and wondering where the next step is going to lead me. Obviously, I have no choice. If I did, I would have never led myself here. However, one has to question where the next step will take them. Without the question, what is the mystery of life, right?

There is a quote out there, that I find myself reading over and over again. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I am sure you have heard this quote. You see, the problem with the past five months of my life, is the wisdom to know the difference is clouded with this horrible dense fog. So dense that I seem to find myself questioning everything and everybody, even things that I can't see. I have questioned the purpose of life, God, the powers to be, I have even questioned my own sense of judgment, of which I haven't been able to provide answer to. So this quote, that I used to take lightly, well, I now take it very heavily. It weighs on me as I try to determine where the wisdom went to know the difference between what I can change and what I need to accept. I can't seem to accept the fact that one of the worst things that could happened, happened.

No one prepares themselves to lose something they want so very badly, especially when it took so long to create. Society doesn’t prepare one for what to expect after losing a child or a baby. No, because in our society, babies and children just don’t die. When it happens, it is not only the parents responsibility to grieve, heal, and find peace, but it is also their responsibility to deal with the rest of the world, SOCIETY. Because they are ignorant, ignorant to it all, like it doesn’t exist. It’s hard, and again different. I have never had to deal with something that so many know nothing about. I have never had to experience talking to my family about something that they can’t honestly relate to. Again different.

You’re probably asking yourself if I have gone off the deep end or just plain lost my mind, though in the same thought, you may understand. I haven’t done either, hope you know that. I have however grown, understood things that I never imagined I would have to understand, gone through something that was so painful that there are no words to describe, and yes, I am different. Different because of all of it.

Different because the person who used to be so in control, lost control of virtually everything with a blink of an eye. The person who had goals that were achievable, no longer has the same goals, because let’s face it, one was achieved and then forfeited in a matter of a few weeks, so why bother. The person that many once knew is now so very different it amazes even her. Still the same on the outside, but 100% different on the inside. Things that used to upset me, I could care less about. The focus that was placed on the details of everything, gone. There is a new outlook on life, and it doesn’t include anything that it used to include. Everything has changed, everything."

Again, like I said, the above response does not mean I am going backward. To me, it means I have just taken another step forward. I am proud of realizing all of the above, understand where I have been and what has taken place in my life. I am happy that I have come so far in just a short one hundred and fifty-five days. I think I am headed down the right path. The path that I don't know where it leads me, but I will be happy with whatever is at the end. The path that I will call my own, regardless of the bumps, pot holes, or down trees. The path that is My Path.

And the day just keeps getting better....

Today was doctor visit number two. Although we didn't think that we would dive into this again (not being specific for a reason), we are diving. It's good, didn't think it would be, but it is. Walking out to the end of the board, looking down, and realizing that the drop is far but we can handle it, feels good. We have been here and done this before. It's not the first time. The visit today brought positive and hopeful news. I left with a smile.

For a few days, things have seemed happier. Realizations have been made and continue to be made, making each day a bit easier. Conversations that occurred today, would have gone a lot different a few months ago, even a few weeks ago. It is getting easier.

Life on Mount Eden is looking up, for once in five months. It feels good, real good. There will still be bad days, I know. Hopes are not high, like they were in the past. But smiles are on the faces of two individuals in a little house on a country road.

Upon returning home from work today, I paid a visit to the little black box with the red flag. To my surprise for the first time in a few weeks, I received some special mail. Not one, but two! I received two cards from BLMs. I thought to myself, "And the day just keeps getting better." I love receiving mail from BLMs, it means the world to me. When I opened the cards up, not only were they cards, but each had its own little personalization. Thank you girls, thank you!!!!

Each card had so many wonderful details. From the envelope, to the card, to the inside contents. You can tell when a card is from a BLM, because so much love and care was put into it. See for yourself:







And what a wonderful quote, so very perfect....



So as the day is drawing near, I find myself reflecting on nothing but good things today, which brought even more happiness. Yes, it is getting easier. Time doesn't heal, the pain will never be healed. But life is unfolding around us and the sun seems to be just down the path ahead of us.

Baking Out the Blues

I woke up this morning and laid in bed playing with my dog, Cody. I was about to get up when I realized "Oh crap, it is here again, the damn 6th." It seems like I have lived my life around this number, I hate this number. Hate is a strong word, but I HATE the number 6. As much as I wanted to just go back to sleep and wake up on the 7th, I couldn't. I had to get up! I had to get up because I had to pee, BAD. (Sorry, TMI, but it's my blog, my life, remember that!) Otherwise, I may still be in bed, sleeping this horrid sixth day of the month away.

Since I was up and was moving, I decided I should do something productive. I decided today would be a great day to bake holiday cookies. I mixed the sugar cookie batter and placed it in the fridge to set. Then I began thinking of how the day had been going. Although it was the sixth, it was going pretty well. The tears weren't flowing, my heart wasn't throbbing (it was hurting but not throbbing), the tude was under control, and I was actually skipping through the house. Could it be, am I becoming a bit like my old self again, the Megan before the life altering change?

After waiting the two hours for the dough to set, I pulled the batter out of the fridge and started using the cookie cutters to make the holiday cookies. Of course, rolling and cutting sugar cookies takes time, so I had plenty of time to think. I found myself thinking of the fact that today we just hit the five month mark of losing our precious son. Five months is a long time, don't you think?

Five months since June 6 is exactly one hundred and fifty-two days, and to be honest with you, I only remember two of them. I remember the day my son became an angel, and the day that we said our last goodbye. That means, there are one hundred and fifty days of my life that I lived and have no idea what I did, no concept of things that occurred, and no understanding of anything that really happened.

In that very moment, I remember placing the first snowman on the cookie sheet to bake. I looked at this little cutout and thought, "How can you live for one hundred and fifty-two days and only remember two of them? Is this what Wyatt would want? If it was reversed and Wyatt was living and Mommy died, Mommy would want Wyatt to live and remember living. So start living for Wyatt, start remembering." With that, I took a toothpick and etched our names into cookies for Santa.

The stale taste of the fact that today is the sixth day of the month is still there. But it is different. I understand the importance of having to live and remember. Making holiday cookies is not something I would have ever thought could help me down this road. However, on this sixth day of the month, I made holiday cookies, and I spent the day baking out the blues.

Message from God

Since creating a FB account, after telling myself I would never have one, I have utilized the account for many things. To connect with old friend, to meet new friends, to meet others who have experienced the same pain from the loss of a child, and for fun. However, there is one application that has appealed to me since the beginning, and it doesn't fall into any of the categories above. The application is called "Message from God". Each day, you can retrieve your message from God by clicking the application. For many days, I have been clicking to receive a message, for more than 120 days actually. (Wow, 120 days, that is a whole different blog post) Each day I look forward to clicking for the message because I try to correlate the message to my life. Something fun that I like to do.

But today, the message that was received, didn't require me to find the correlation of the message to my life. Today's message was straight and to the point. Today's message had been provided to me from someone else just hours before clicking this message.

The "Message from God" today was:

On this day, God wants you to know.....
... that there is no such thing as a problem without a Divine gift hidden within it. You have these problems because you need the gifts they carry within.

Okay, so quick rewind on the past five months of my life. Actually, the past four years. Ready?! Loss our son, HLHS and Hydrops Fetalis, low laying placenta, only one egg retrieved from IVF, many failed IUI's, clomid and injections not working, 26 months of failed attempts, let's try for a family, one year of marriage, our wedding day. So there you have it, the quick rewind. Four years of marriage which have resulted in pain, grief, sadness, and weakness. But with that came strength, love, understanding, caring, and a bond that will never be broken.

Today was the first time Brian and I returned to our IVF doctor, since our 10 week gestational visit with Wyatt. The appointment went as excepted. A lot of questions from the doctor, conversation around Wyatt's pregnancy, somber apologies and many caring statements. After reviewing the chart and taking more notes, the doctor said in the most sorrowful of tones, "I just don't understand it. From the beginning, this has been a story. God has a balance sheet, but it just doesn't seem fair." I agreed. He continued by saying, "There is a reason." I said, "Oh good, when you find it please let me know what it is, because I have been searching and I have found none."

The response I received, I appreciated. The doctor looked up from his paperwork and calmly said, "It's not for us to find. It will present itself to us within the next year. I know it. When it is ready, it will present itself, we can't search for it, it will come to us." As you can see, the message from God has been presented to me twice today. Once by a doctor, who created my son who is now with God, and once in a "Message from God".

Four years of marriage with problems of conceiving has brought us the gifts of understanding, caring, listening, and love. Losing our son has given us the gift of an angel, appreciation of life, and peace. And today's doctor visit, as well as my "Message from God", has allowed for a greater knowledge of it all.

Four Questions (A Little Thing)

I fell asleep last night thinking about something I had commented on a friends blog earlier in the day. The friend was accepting questions from others (cool idea, I thought) that she would eventually take time to answer. Having an instructor mindset, I quickly came up with four questions that would also make great icebreakers in a classroom environment.

The questions were:
1. What is the one thing that you really want to do/accomplish before your time on Earth ends?
2. If given all the money in the world, what would you do with it and why?
3. If you could travel back in time, would you change anything, why or why not?
4. If you could have a different name, what would it be and why?

After typing these questions, clicking the post comment button, and then receiving a response that my friend receive the comment, I began thinking. I thought about how I had just asked a friend to answer questions that I have never honestly given much thought to. I brushed it off and thought, "It's okay, it's just questions."

But at 11:42p, I found myself laying in bed thinking about the questions again. I realized that I needed to answer them myself. It's amazing how little things pull at me now, nag like a song stuck in my head or taunt me with an envious mockery. But they do. It's the little things that make me realize I have taken life for granted all these years. It's the little things that require me to change.

Today, is November 4th. Just another day to many. But it is the five month mark of Wyatt's surgery, the surgery that made him an angel. Today is a perfect day to answer the four questions, the same ones I asked my friend to answer.

So here goes:

What is the one thing that you really want to do/accomplish before your time on Earth ends?

I would like to accomplish having a family, with a child living on Earth. I want to experience the firsts and share them with my family. All of the firsts: the first step, first tooth, first word, first grade, first dance, first car, first boyfriend/girlfriend, first house, first grandchild.


If given all the money in the world, what would you do with it and why?

I would use the money to ensure those wanting to have a family could embark on their dreams. I would start a foundation that would provide financial assistance to those struggling to create a family. The funds could be used for medical procedures, adoption, or to help a child in distress.


If you could travel back in time, would you change anything, why or why not?


I think many of you will be surprised at this answer. No, I wouldn't change anything. Of course, I would love for Wyatt to be alive here on Earth. I would love for him to be in my arms right now. However, in the past five months, I have realized that there is a reason, a reason for everything. If I were to travel back in time and change one event in my life, another event may have never happened. Although there are several events in my life that I regret, dislike, think are wrong, or wish never took place, it took all of those events, combined with all of the good events, which led me to who I am today. Who am I to change an event? My path was decided for me before birth, I believe that now. If I were to change something, I would not be on the correct path. I would be missing something that was meant for me to see/feel/experience.


If you could have a different name, what would it be and why?

I would want the name of Mommy. I have dreamed, since I was little, of being a mommy. I am a mommy to Wyatt, but I never got to hear the name. If I could have a different name, it would be Mommy.

How can I ask someone to answer questions when I, myself, never gave them thought? I can't. But now I can, as the four questions have been answered and I feel better. The nagging and taunting are gone, as I paid attention to a little thing.