Stuck

I haven't written here is forever... almost two years, but I felt the need today.

He's on my mind more and more these day...  I seem to attract the voids that he should be filling.  I find those voids in photographs, daily tasks, and family events.  All of the moments of those life changing days play over and over in my head.... EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!  Each morning I wake to two beautiful, bright eyed, and full of life little boys.  And each day I find myself questioning what would life be like with him here.  Today I found myself asking those "what if" questions again.  I do it now and again but I try to catch myself.  Today was no different.  Just after the mind put the words together, I fought with the answer.  I successfully held back the tears by tending to my other babies but the pain was still there.  I think back to the advice I received during those weeks after he left us and I shake my head in disbelief.  "It will get easier", "Time will help heal the pain", "He is always with you".  Only one of those phrases holds true.... he is ALWAYS with me.  I think of him constantly.  He lives in my heart, mind, dreams, and conversations.

There are times that I look back on the past 3 years, 10 months, and 24 days and honestly have no clue where they have gone.  I see that my family has grown by two and know that we enjoy our time together.  I love my boys with all my heart and they mean the world to me.  By no means would I change the past three years worth of events.  But there are many times that I still feel stuck in 2010.  I feel as if life has moved forward with me in it but my feet have never left where I stood in the hospital room on June 7, 2010.  That moment of saying goodbye, the kiss to his forehead, the wrinkle in his skin, the soft words whispered in his little ear.  That is where I still hang out.  That is the place I find myself running back to almost daily.

There are many things that can be said about losing someone you love but none were told to me to prepare me for how my life is currently.  Yes, I do have two amazing boys here with me and I have an angel to watch over all of us.  But that does not heal all the pain, the horrible weight pressed against my heart, that I feel every single day.

Some may read this and think "oh no, here we go again" or "wow really?  She has two other kids to be thankful for".  Believe me, I am forever grateful to have my other children.  Without my other boys, I would not be where I am today.  But what you need to know is that the loss of a child is FOREVER.  It never, ever goes away.  It is re-lived every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  There are questions that are asked of you, situations you are put in, daily moments that take your breath away, and events that just don't feel complete.  Until you have experienced the pain, don't pass judgement.  Just know life is never, ever the same.