Life hasn't been so hard on the heart lately since the arrival of little Nolan, but that doesn't mean that I don't spend time thinking and wondering what life would have been like if our little Wyatt was still here with us. Life would certainly be different from what it is now that's for sure.
Last night we did something as a family and it was the first time this holiday season that I felt the slap in my face. "He isn't here", I thought as my heart sunk some eight feet into the hard, cold pavement. It's the feeling that I had this time last year when all I wanted for Christmas was my son back or for the season to end. Nothing hurts more than doing something as a family and seeing every ones happy faces but one.
Over the past year and a half, my heart has mended a bit, life has changed some, and we have a new addition to our family. But believe me, it doesn't mean that we aren't missing our little baby boy, in fact, I feel like we miss him more now than ever before. There are days that I walk around the house and show Nolan all of Wyatt's belongings. I explain to him that his big brother is now his angel and that he will forever look over him. I find Nolan starring at Wyatt's urn on occasion while he is trying to fall asleep and I can do nothing but wonder. Wonder what it would have been like for the two of them to have grown up together, wonder what Nolan is thinking or if he sees something, and wonder if Wyatt his really here with us.
After our family event last night, I came home and changed into pjs. Upon changing, I found a feather attached to my bra on the inside of my shirt. I immediately thought, "and we took his monkey, yet he was with me all along." I still find some of the signs so amazing. Just when I needed one the most, he made sure he was there and present.
So like last, this year Christmas is tough as it will be for years to come. It hurts when you celebrate the holiday as a family and you have one missing. What hurts the most is knowing they will never be there to celebrate with you, they will never be in family pictures, never be there to create special memories, and they will never be there to watch grow up. What gets me through is knowing he is free from pain, looking down from Heaven, and forever watching over us.
So this season at Christmas, I have made up my mind to be merry and happy for I have to remember that he is here with us and he will forever be.
We love you Wyatt James, we love you every single day!!!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Life's Recipe Calls for Lemons
So, I have been thinking. This month was a tough month as I found myself thinking a lot about the could have beens, the what ifs, and the whys of everything that happened. I think it had to do with the fact that this time last year I spent a lot of my days watching the leaves turn and wondering if this was the beauty that my angel was seeing in Heaven.
Summer had always been my favorite season. I just enjoyed spending time by the pool, going to the beach, and having long days to spend with family and friends. Last year, that all ended. I now can't stand summer. It brings with it too many bad memories. Instead, I find myself enjoying Fall this year. Though last year was tough, recalling the fact that I enjoyed watching God paint the canvas of the Earth is something that I appreciate. I am doing the same again this year, enjoying watching the artwork take place.
On Sunday, I took Nolan for a walk down our street and while walking I noticed the crisp air, changing colors of the leaves, the pastures and fields as the animals roamed, and the bright blue sky. It was a beautiful and picture perfect day and for many, nothing could be better. However, that was not the case for me. Though it was a picture perfect day, and Nolan and I were enjoying our time together on our walk, my picture was missing something. As I pushed my son in his stroller, I found myself looking to the sky for my angel. It's days like this that remind me that I am blessed to have held my angel but that I would have given everything to have saved him.
I continued to walk down our street and as I neared the bottom of the hill and started to turn around, I thought of a quote that many people are familiar with. "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." I chuckled a bit, continued to walk, and I thought to myself, "yea, if only!" and the quote was banished from my mind. Here I sit today thinking about that quote again, why, I really haven't a clue. When I thought of it today, I immediately thought, "you know what, screw the lemons!!!" That is when a different quote came to mind. It was a quote from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now this quote, this one is perfect (well, perfect on the surface)... It goes like this, "When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail."
Hahaha... On the surface this quote says so much. Yes, life can suck and sometimes you just have to deal with it or just walk away from the issue. However, the more I think about it, the more it makes me say "hmmm". How can you bail on life? I have known a few who have bailed on their families, friends, problems and issues. But honestly where did it get them? No where! When you say 'Fuck the lemons', what are you really saying? You know, I think I was handed several pounds of lemons last year, but never once did I say 'Fuck the lemons'. Nope, I took my lemons and cherished them. For whatever reason, it was thought that I could handle the lemons that were sent to me in bulk (yes, like buying from BJ's, BULK). I didn't make lemonade from them either. No, I held onto my lemons, added in some limes and a few oranges and by doing so I made new friends, was able to understand the meaning of life, and I learned to appreciate things more in the process.
Whether it's lemons or problems, we all have them. Some are bigger than others, some are more painful than others, but in the end they all change our lives and we can't change them. So, when life hands you lemons suck out all of the vitamin c and yell, "Eat that Life!" (I found this quote on the Internet today!!! Love it!) If it wasn't for the lemons I received last year, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have an angel that I was able to hold and a little boy that I love dearly. I have friends all over the world who have experienced the same things I have and who continue to be tremendous support. And most importantly, when Life's recipe calls for lemons, I know how to use them.
Summer had always been my favorite season. I just enjoyed spending time by the pool, going to the beach, and having long days to spend with family and friends. Last year, that all ended. I now can't stand summer. It brings with it too many bad memories. Instead, I find myself enjoying Fall this year. Though last year was tough, recalling the fact that I enjoyed watching God paint the canvas of the Earth is something that I appreciate. I am doing the same again this year, enjoying watching the artwork take place.
On Sunday, I took Nolan for a walk down our street and while walking I noticed the crisp air, changing colors of the leaves, the pastures and fields as the animals roamed, and the bright blue sky. It was a beautiful and picture perfect day and for many, nothing could be better. However, that was not the case for me. Though it was a picture perfect day, and Nolan and I were enjoying our time together on our walk, my picture was missing something. As I pushed my son in his stroller, I found myself looking to the sky for my angel. It's days like this that remind me that I am blessed to have held my angel but that I would have given everything to have saved him.
I continued to walk down our street and as I neared the bottom of the hill and started to turn around, I thought of a quote that many people are familiar with. "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." I chuckled a bit, continued to walk, and I thought to myself, "yea, if only!" and the quote was banished from my mind. Here I sit today thinking about that quote again, why, I really haven't a clue. When I thought of it today, I immediately thought, "you know what, screw the lemons!!!" That is when a different quote came to mind. It was a quote from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now this quote, this one is perfect (well, perfect on the surface)... It goes like this, "When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail."
Hahaha... On the surface this quote says so much. Yes, life can suck and sometimes you just have to deal with it or just walk away from the issue. However, the more I think about it, the more it makes me say "hmmm". How can you bail on life? I have known a few who have bailed on their families, friends, problems and issues. But honestly where did it get them? No where! When you say 'Fuck the lemons', what are you really saying? You know, I think I was handed several pounds of lemons last year, but never once did I say 'Fuck the lemons'. Nope, I took my lemons and cherished them. For whatever reason, it was thought that I could handle the lemons that were sent to me in bulk (yes, like buying from BJ's, BULK). I didn't make lemonade from them either. No, I held onto my lemons, added in some limes and a few oranges and by doing so I made new friends, was able to understand the meaning of life, and I learned to appreciate things more in the process.
Whether it's lemons or problems, we all have them. Some are bigger than others, some are more painful than others, but in the end they all change our lives and we can't change them. So, when life hands you lemons suck out all of the vitamin c and yell, "Eat that Life!" (I found this quote on the Internet today!!! Love it!) If it wasn't for the lemons I received last year, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have an angel that I was able to hold and a little boy that I love dearly. I have friends all over the world who have experienced the same things I have and who continue to be tremendous support. And most importantly, when Life's recipe calls for lemons, I know how to use them.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Angel in the Sky
Today marks sixteen months since I delivered our angel into the world and it still feels like yesterday. Last night I received two signs, both when clocks said 11:11. I miss our little Wyatt so very much and the pain is still there. Every milestone with Nolan reminds me more of the time we never had with Wyatt.
I found this today and loved it:
Happy 16 month angelversary baby boy. We love you!!
I found this today and loved it:
Happy 16 month angelversary baby boy. We love you!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Blue Butterfly
Sometimes the things that touch your heart aren't worth a million dollars.
I am an avid Ebay shopper and I recently found something that would mean the world to me to wear. With the holidays around the corner and trying to cut back on our spending, Ebay is the best place to shop but the worst at the same time. There are so many wonderful items on there that sometimes I cave.
I caved this time. One, because the price was $1.00 with free shipping and two, because when you see what this is you will fully understand.
Remember back to last year. Remember the post of the sign I received from Wyatt, yes, I know there were so many. But the one with the butterfly, do you remember? Well, what color was that butterfly? Yes, blue. Since then, any time I see a blue butterfly my heart gets all mushy as I am quickly reminded of my Wyatt.
Well, talk about a fitting piece. It isn't anything expensive. To be honest, it isn't even silver. I didn't care. I placed my bid and in a short three hours I learned that I had won the piece. It arrived in the mail yesterday. I carefully opened the package, pulled it out, and was amazed at its beauty. I absolutely love it.
I am an avid Ebay shopper and I recently found something that would mean the world to me to wear. With the holidays around the corner and trying to cut back on our spending, Ebay is the best place to shop but the worst at the same time. There are so many wonderful items on there that sometimes I cave.
I caved this time. One, because the price was $1.00 with free shipping and two, because when you see what this is you will fully understand.
Remember back to last year. Remember the post of the sign I received from Wyatt, yes, I know there were so many. But the one with the butterfly, do you remember? Well, what color was that butterfly? Yes, blue. Since then, any time I see a blue butterfly my heart gets all mushy as I am quickly reminded of my Wyatt.
Well, talk about a fitting piece. It isn't anything expensive. To be honest, it isn't even silver. I didn't care. I placed my bid and in a short three hours I learned that I had won the piece. It arrived in the mail yesterday. I carefully opened the package, pulled it out, and was amazed at its beauty. I absolutely love it.
Beautiful isn't it?
With fall approaching and winter soon to come, my heart sinks as I realize that the beauty of nature will soon be hidden by the darkness of the new seasons. Soon my reminders will not be seen until the warmer days return. My blue butterfly will flutter no more in the garden for the seasons will hide the flowers. But my reminder can now forever be worn near the very place my son lives, in my heart.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
For the Lord
Brian and I recently became members of the church which I attended when I was growing up. Since becoming members we have attended weekly, minus the weekend of hurricane Irene. I used to hate going to church as I felt that I couldn't understand what was being said.
Since losing Wyatt, going to church makes so much sense now. The words spoken bring peace to my heart. Reading along in the book with each reading allows me to take in every word and make sense of it, relate it to me.
Today's readings were touching, as always, but one really stood out. It was Romans 14:7-9.
It said this:
This touched me as I thought of my dear boy Wyatt. I listened to the reading, read it once to myself, and then read it again. At that moment, peace came over me as I realized what it was saying.
My baby boy, my little Wyatt belongs to the Lord. It didn't matter if he lived or died, he still belongs to the Lord. So why was I so selfish to ask him to live while suffering? Because I thought wrong. I thought the way one would if they were living for themselves alone, thinking only of themselves. Today it was brought to my attention that we all live and die for the Lord.
Wyatt lived briefly, touched many, and returned home to the Lord through death. Although returned through death, he is not suffering. He is free from hurt and pain.
As I sit here and type this another mother is having to prepare to say goodbye to her precious child. This child is fighting to stay alive to live with his parents for another moment. Sadly, this child was given a short life expectancy. Born only three days ago, this child may soon have to return home to the Lord. It breaks my heart to know that this family will suffer another loss of a child. Yes, another as they already lost one.
It's times like this when I question EVERYTHING. Yes, I know, I have to remember what the reading says.
Since losing Wyatt, going to church makes so much sense now. The words spoken bring peace to my heart. Reading along in the book with each reading allows me to take in every word and make sense of it, relate it to me.
Today's readings were touching, as always, but one really stood out. It was Romans 14:7-9.
It said this:
7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. 9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
This touched me as I thought of my dear boy Wyatt. I listened to the reading, read it once to myself, and then read it again. At that moment, peace came over me as I realized what it was saying.
My baby boy, my little Wyatt belongs to the Lord. It didn't matter if he lived or died, he still belongs to the Lord. So why was I so selfish to ask him to live while suffering? Because I thought wrong. I thought the way one would if they were living for themselves alone, thinking only of themselves. Today it was brought to my attention that we all live and die for the Lord.
Wyatt lived briefly, touched many, and returned home to the Lord through death. Although returned through death, he is not suffering. He is free from hurt and pain.
As I sit here and type this another mother is having to prepare to say goodbye to her precious child. This child is fighting to stay alive to live with his parents for another moment. Sadly, this child was given a short life expectancy. Born only three days ago, this child may soon have to return home to the Lord. It breaks my heart to know that this family will suffer another loss of a child. Yes, another as they already lost one.
It's times like this when I question EVERYTHING. Yes, I know, I have to remember what the reading says.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Forever in Our Hearts
Fifteen months ago I delivered an angel and my life changed forever.
Never would I have pictured my life like this, one son here with me and the other with God.
Numb is the only way to describe how it feels most days.
Just because our miracle arrived doesn't make our loss any easier.
He is gone and he will never be back. If you have never lost a child just imagine. Yes, it hurts like hell!
Fifteen months ago an angel came into my life and taught me more than he will ever know.
Life was changed forever and so quickly we realized it would never be the same.
Time has flown by yet remained stagnant at the same time. Is that even possible?
Signs from above are all we receive now. No smiles or kisses from our angel we love.
We feel that one day we will see him again, but seems that day is very far away.
Fifteen months ago I was holding an angel in my arms.
Today all we can do is hold him forever in our hearts.
Never would I have pictured my life like this, one son here with me and the other with God.
Numb is the only way to describe how it feels most days.
Just because our miracle arrived doesn't make our loss any easier.
He is gone and he will never be back. If you have never lost a child just imagine. Yes, it hurts like hell!
Fifteen months ago an angel came into my life and taught me more than he will ever know.
Life was changed forever and so quickly we realized it would never be the same.
Time has flown by yet remained stagnant at the same time. Is that even possible?
Signs from above are all we receive now. No smiles or kisses from our angel we love.
We feel that one day we will see him again, but seems that day is very far away.
Fifteen months ago I was holding an angel in my arms.
Today all we can do is hold him forever in our hearts.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Maybe
It's just around the corner and yet here I was today putting a few photos away and keeping only the best ones out for friends and family to view. I am not trying to put things away to forget him but the reality is he now has a little brother. Even if he was here, certain things would have to be put away to allow room for his brother's things. No, I am not saying that his brother is taking his place. That is something that will NEVER happen. What I am trying to say is my house is only so big and it's not like I can hang pictures from the ceiling.
Around the corner is another milestone. These milestones come every single month. In a matter of one day, yes tomorrow, it will be 15 months since he was alive. In three days it will be 15 months since we held him for the first time. And in four days it will be 15 months since we said our final goodbyes. This milestone is hitting hard mainly because his brother is here and I am realizing everything we have missed with him. It's hard because I am home and have time to think about things. It is even harder because I now know that my boys will never be able to play or grow up together.
Someone reached out to me the other day and told me I was a strong person and that I had made it through one tough storm. I don't consider myself strong, not by any means. I consider myself making it through each day and playing the cards I have been dealt. It's basically like settling or bargaining with God, though if you understand the power of God you know you can't settle or bargain. This is the path that was chosen for me and for Brian. I am not sure why and I may never know. A strong person wouldn't have allowed themselves to hurt and doubt the way things happened. A strong person would have trusted in the way of this life. No, I am not strong, I am simply making it through each day.
Each day I struggle with the fact that I only have one of my two sons here with me. I think about the families out there who have all of their children on Earth with them. I think about how they get to watch each child grow and play. They can see similarities and differences within their children. These families so often take the small things for granted. For example, I was walking into the grocery store last night and while walking through the parking lot I was shocked. A mother was disciplining her child but she grabbed the little girl by her face with force and started screaming. I am not one to say how other parents should discipline however, there are others ways to discipline which don't require hurt or pain to the child. Do these parents not understand that life is very VERY short. What if that moment was the last moment they had to spend with their child? Would they still yell and scream and use force to discipline?
The milestone is near, the 15 month milestone. I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about the past 15 months and even the months before them. I continue to shake my head in the disbelief of my life. I never pictured my life to turn out the way it has. I think often of writing a book about the story of my life. I think it would be interesting, encouraging, heart-wrenching, but yet powerful at the same time. I then find myself wondering if anyone would read the book, would they believe it, or would it be classified as fiction?
Maybe one day the events that occurred in my life will make it to paper. Maybe one day my dream of owning my own boutique will come true. Maybe one day our family will be together as one. Maybe... it's like that movie title, how does it go? Definitely, Maybe. I can't be certain, therefore it definitely must be maybe.
Around the corner is another milestone. These milestones come every single month. In a matter of one day, yes tomorrow, it will be 15 months since he was alive. In three days it will be 15 months since we held him for the first time. And in four days it will be 15 months since we said our final goodbyes. This milestone is hitting hard mainly because his brother is here and I am realizing everything we have missed with him. It's hard because I am home and have time to think about things. It is even harder because I now know that my boys will never be able to play or grow up together.
Someone reached out to me the other day and told me I was a strong person and that I had made it through one tough storm. I don't consider myself strong, not by any means. I consider myself making it through each day and playing the cards I have been dealt. It's basically like settling or bargaining with God, though if you understand the power of God you know you can't settle or bargain. This is the path that was chosen for me and for Brian. I am not sure why and I may never know. A strong person wouldn't have allowed themselves to hurt and doubt the way things happened. A strong person would have trusted in the way of this life. No, I am not strong, I am simply making it through each day.
Each day I struggle with the fact that I only have one of my two sons here with me. I think about the families out there who have all of their children on Earth with them. I think about how they get to watch each child grow and play. They can see similarities and differences within their children. These families so often take the small things for granted. For example, I was walking into the grocery store last night and while walking through the parking lot I was shocked. A mother was disciplining her child but she grabbed the little girl by her face with force and started screaming. I am not one to say how other parents should discipline however, there are others ways to discipline which don't require hurt or pain to the child. Do these parents not understand that life is very VERY short. What if that moment was the last moment they had to spend with their child? Would they still yell and scream and use force to discipline?
The milestone is near, the 15 month milestone. I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about the past 15 months and even the months before them. I continue to shake my head in the disbelief of my life. I never pictured my life to turn out the way it has. I think often of writing a book about the story of my life. I think it would be interesting, encouraging, heart-wrenching, but yet powerful at the same time. I then find myself wondering if anyone would read the book, would they believe it, or would it be classified as fiction?
Maybe one day the events that occurred in my life will make it to paper. Maybe one day my dream of owning my own boutique will come true. Maybe one day our family will be together as one. Maybe... it's like that movie title, how does it go? Definitely, Maybe. I can't be certain, therefore it definitely must be maybe.
“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” ~ unknown
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