Saturday, September 3, 2011


It's just around the corner and yet here I was today putting a few photos away and keeping only the best ones out for friends and family to view.  I am not trying to put things away to forget him but the reality is he now has a little brother.  Even if he was here, certain things would have to be put away to allow room for his brother's things.  No, I am not saying that his brother is taking his place.  That is something that will NEVER happen.  What I am trying to say is my house is only so big and it's not like I can hang pictures from the ceiling. 

Around the corner is another milestone.  These milestones come every single month.  In a matter of one day, yes tomorrow, it will be 15 months since he was alive.  In three days it will be 15 months since we held him for the first time.  And in four days it will be 15 months since we said our final goodbyes.  This milestone is hitting hard mainly because his brother is here and I am realizing everything we have missed with him.  It's hard because I am home and have time to think about things.  It is even harder because I now know that my boys will never be able to play or grow up together.

Someone reached out to me the other day and told me I was a strong person and that I had made it through one tough storm.  I don't consider myself strong, not by any means.  I consider myself making it through each day and playing the cards I have been dealt.  It's basically like settling or bargaining with God, though if you understand the power of God you know you can't settle or bargain.  This is the path that was chosen for me and for Brian.  I am not sure why and I may never know.  A strong person wouldn't have allowed themselves to hurt and doubt the way things happened.  A strong person would have trusted in the way of this life.  No,  I am not strong, I am simply making it through each day.

Each day I struggle with the fact that I only have one of my two sons here with me.  I think about the families out there who have all of their children on Earth with them.  I think about how they get to watch each child grow and play.  They can see similarities and differences within their children.  These families so often take the small things for granted.  For example, I was walking into the grocery store last night and while walking through the parking lot I was shocked.  A mother was disciplining her child but she grabbed the little girl by her face with force and started screaming.  I am not one to say how other parents should discipline however, there are others ways to discipline which don't require hurt or pain to the child.  Do these parents not understand that life is very VERY short.  What if that moment was the last moment they had to spend with their child?  Would they still yell and scream and use force to discipline? 

The milestone is near, the 15 month milestone.  I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about the past 15 months and even the months before them.  I continue to shake my head in the disbelief of my life.  I never pictured my life to turn out the way it has.  I think often of writing a book about the story of my life.  I think it would be interesting, encouraging, heart-wrenching, but yet powerful at the same time.  I then find myself wondering if anyone would read the book, would they believe it, or would it be classified as fiction?

Maybe one day the events that occurred in my life will make it to paper.  Maybe one day my dream of owning my own boutique will come true.  Maybe one day our family will be together as one.  Maybe... it's like that movie title, how does it go?  Definitely, Maybe.  I can't be certain, therefore it definitely must be maybe.

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”  ~ unknown

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