Life hasn't been so hard on the heart lately since the arrival of little Nolan, but that doesn't mean that I don't spend time thinking and wondering what life would have been like if our little Wyatt was still here with us. Life would certainly be different from what it is now that's for sure.
Last night we did something as a family and it was the first time this holiday season that I felt the slap in my face. "He isn't here", I thought as my heart sunk some eight feet into the hard, cold pavement. It's the feeling that I had this time last year when all I wanted for Christmas was my son back or for the season to end. Nothing hurts more than doing something as a family and seeing every ones happy faces but one.
Over the past year and a half, my heart has mended a bit, life has changed some, and we have a new addition to our family. But believe me, it doesn't mean that we aren't missing our little baby boy, in fact, I feel like we miss him more now than ever before. There are days that I walk around the house and show Nolan all of Wyatt's belongings. I explain to him that his big brother is now his angel and that he will forever look over him. I find Nolan starring at Wyatt's urn on occasion while he is trying to fall asleep and I can do nothing but wonder. Wonder what it would have been like for the two of them to have grown up together, wonder what Nolan is thinking or if he sees something, and wonder if Wyatt his really here with us.
After our family event last night, I came home and changed into pjs. Upon changing, I found a feather attached to my bra on the inside of my shirt. I immediately thought, "and we took his monkey, yet he was with me all along." I still find some of the signs so amazing. Just when I needed one the most, he made sure he was there and present.
So like last, this year Christmas is tough as it will be for years to come. It hurts when you celebrate the holiday as a family and you have one missing. What hurts the most is knowing they will never be there to celebrate with you, they will never be in family pictures, never be there to create special memories, and they will never be there to watch grow up. What gets me through is knowing he is free from pain, looking down from Heaven, and forever watching over us.
So this season at Christmas, I have made up my mind to be merry and happy for I have to remember that he is here with us and he will forever be.
We love you Wyatt James, we love you every single day!!!