Maybe

It's just around the corner and yet here I was today putting a few photos away and keeping only the best ones out for friends and family to view.  I am not trying to put things away to forget him but the reality is he now has a little brother.  Even if he was here, certain things would have to be put away to allow room for his brother's things.  No, I am not saying that his brother is taking his place.  That is something that will NEVER happen.  What I am trying to say is my house is only so big and it's not like I can hang pictures from the ceiling. 

Around the corner is another milestone.  These milestones come every single month.  In a matter of one day, yes tomorrow, it will be 15 months since he was alive.  In three days it will be 15 months since we held him for the first time.  And in four days it will be 15 months since we said our final goodbyes.  This milestone is hitting hard mainly because his brother is here and I am realizing everything we have missed with him.  It's hard because I am home and have time to think about things.  It is even harder because I now know that my boys will never be able to play or grow up together.

Someone reached out to me the other day and told me I was a strong person and that I had made it through one tough storm.  I don't consider myself strong, not by any means.  I consider myself making it through each day and playing the cards I have been dealt.  It's basically like settling or bargaining with God, though if you understand the power of God you know you can't settle or bargain.  This is the path that was chosen for me and for Brian.  I am not sure why and I may never know.  A strong person wouldn't have allowed themselves to hurt and doubt the way things happened.  A strong person would have trusted in the way of this life.  No,  I am not strong, I am simply making it through each day.

Each day I struggle with the fact that I only have one of my two sons here with me.  I think about the families out there who have all of their children on Earth with them.  I think about how they get to watch each child grow and play.  They can see similarities and differences within their children.  These families so often take the small things for granted.  For example, I was walking into the grocery store last night and while walking through the parking lot I was shocked.  A mother was disciplining her child but she grabbed the little girl by her face with force and started screaming.  I am not one to say how other parents should discipline however, there are others ways to discipline which don't require hurt or pain to the child.  Do these parents not understand that life is very VERY short.  What if that moment was the last moment they had to spend with their child?  Would they still yell and scream and use force to discipline? 

The milestone is near, the 15 month milestone.  I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about the past 15 months and even the months before them.  I continue to shake my head in the disbelief of my life.  I never pictured my life to turn out the way it has.  I think often of writing a book about the story of my life.  I think it would be interesting, encouraging, heart-wrenching, but yet powerful at the same time.  I then find myself wondering if anyone would read the book, would they believe it, or would it be classified as fiction?

Maybe one day the events that occurred in my life will make it to paper.  Maybe one day my dream of owning my own boutique will come true.  Maybe one day our family will be together as one.  Maybe... it's like that movie title, how does it go?  Definitely, Maybe.  I can't be certain, therefore it definitely must be maybe.

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”  ~ unknown

Reality

I sit and look at your pictures as I feed your brother and it makes my heart hurt ache.  I see you in him with each of his facial expressions.  I think about what you would have been like at this age.  I wonder what you would have looked like now.  I often find myself imagining what it would be like to have a one year old and your brother at the same time. 

I know that you are where you are safe and free from pain.  I know that you can't come back to us.  But there are so many times over the past few weeks where I find myself believing that you are still just gone for a little bit, like you will return to us soon.  Then reality sets back in and I realize I am wrong. 

Oh Wyatt, why did it have to be like this.  I miss you so much.  I find myself standing in front of your urn several times a weeks with your brother.  When he laughs in his sleep I wonder if he is dreaming of you.  When he looks past me and seems amused I wonder if you sees you. 

I wish that you and your brother would have grown up together.  I wish that you could have played together and acted like brothers do.  Instead, I ask that you watch over your brother and that you show your brother (when the time is right) that you are there.  One day your brother will know and understand everything about you.

Walk at the Park

Over the past few days the signs have been every where. 

Dragonflies in numbers by our pool.  My blue butterfly finally returned.  Butterflies during our first trip to the park.  And a special dragonfly at the park yesterday.

I noticed this special dragonfly on our second lap around the park.  It caught me by surprise at first but when I realized what it was I was happy.  I looked up while walking the path and noticed the dragonfly soaring above.  I continued to walk down the path but ensured I kept tabs on our little visitor.  After walking another minute or so, I realized the dragonfly was following us.  It was hovering above and flying in the same direction we were walking.  As I turned with the park's path, the dragonfly turned too.  It was so awesome.

He was there.  He decided the join us for a walk at the park yesterday.  Some of you may think I am crazy, but I know deep in my heart that my Wyatt was there with his mommy and his little brother.  Funny thing is, Nolan was wearing his little brother outfit, fitting since his big brother was there with us on our walk.

He's Here!!!

Your baby brother is here, Wyatt.  It was a tough delivery but he is here.  It is so amazing just how much he looks like you.  You two have all the same features, the cute little chin, chubby cheeks, a button nose, Mommy's wide set eyes, and Daddy's lips. 

Delivery was hard, as Nolan decided he was going to turn sideways and not move.  After many hours we had to do a c-section. 

Your baby brother was born on 7/26 at 1:38a. 

Here he is:

Big Brother

So many emotions have been running through my body over the past month.  Now the time is near, within 24 hours, Wyatt, you are going to be a big brother.  Well, you already are, but he is arriving either tomorrow or Tuesday.  I can't believe it.  What a gift you have given to your Daddy and I. 

So many emotions because this brings back the memories of your delivery just one year ago.  It brings back the words of the doctors and the very short time that we were able to spend together.  I makes me realize just how much we have missed out on, though I know that you there looking down and at times I feel you beside me.

Can you believe it, baby boy?  You are a big brother.  You are and will always be our first son, our precious angel, our golden egg.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever take that away! 

In about 24 hours, Mommy is going to be put on Pitocin to help baby Nolan arrive sooner.  We are hoping it happens quick, but within 24-48 hours your little brother will be here.  I am sure you are more aware of his arrival than we are. 

We pray that he is perfect and that you will watch over him to ensure all is okay.  Mommy and Daddy plan to tell him all about you, throughout his life.  We know that you will be there, we know that you wouldn't miss this, as he was your gift to us. 

We love you Wyatt and we miss you more and more every day.  We wish you could be here to be with us and your new little brother.  Mommy still hasn't figured out the reason why, but for some reason, God decided our lives had to be this way.  I am sure you know the answer and Mommy will figure it out before she comes to be with you.  But for now, please promise Mommy that you will never leave our sides, you will be there looking over us forever, and that you will be the best big brother ever.  In return, Mommy promises to cherish your gift, love you forever, keep your memory alive, and be with you when God says the time is right. 

We love you baby boy and we miss you very very much. 

What Could Have Beens

It's been a while since I blogged here, but that is mainly because I have been super busy with hospital trips for these kidney stones.  This weekend marked the third trip to the hospital which resulted in three days of stay there in labor and delivery. 

Wyatt's pregnancy was cake compared to everything that has gone on during this pregnancy.  Though carrying Wyatt was difficult, due to the amount of fluid that cause discomfort, these stones with this pregnancy are giving me a run for my money. 

Over the past few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what delivery for this pregnancy is going to be like.  Wyatt's delivery was so unreal.  I was pushing and telling the doctors when the contractions would come before they would even show up on the monitor.  I remember watching Brian's face as our first son was delivered and held by the doctors.  His face went from happy to immediate sadness.  That's what happens when you realize that what the doctors had been saying was real, our son was no longer alive. 

I continue to think about Nolan's delivery and how much happiness will fill the room when we hear his cry.  But then I think of the sadness that will be present as well as we remember the delivery of our little Wyatt. 

I have come to grips with the fact, that there are going to be a lot of happy times that turn sad in the next few weeks.  Not because we aren't happy but because of reminders of what could have been with our first son, Wyatt.  There will be smiles, giggles, laughter, and cheers.  But behind all of them there will be heartache, cries, and tears.  I am aware of this though I am not prepare for it. 

There are times over the past few weeks when I find myself thinking that I may not be able to take home a baby this time either.  It must be something that many BLMs feel at least once as they get closer to delivery.  I have felt it several times and it takes my breath away.  I try to tell myself that everything is going to be perfect with Nolan and that he will be coming home with us, but it isn't always that easy. 

I am ready to meet my second son, our little Nolan.  I am ready to bring home a baby and watch him grow.  I am ready for the cries and the smiles.  I am ready for the diapers and the bottles.  But I am not ready to have my heart broken in a million pieces once again, as we realize the "what could have beens".  

Oh Dragonfly, My Dragonfly!

Over the past few days, I have seen a few dragonflies, something I never saw much of last year.  The only one I saw last year was amazing though.  It was laying on the carpet outside and even let me touch it several times.  I honestly thought it was dead, but after going back outside to look at it again, it was gone. 

As I said before, I have seen several dragonflies over the past few days though.  It's amazing.  They come and get close to my face, fly in place for a few seconds, and then fly up to the sky.  Today, while standing by our pool with my mom and niece, one came flying by.  It took me off guard at first, but then I stood to watch it. 

Most of the ones I have seen have green in them, the one today was solid black.  I thought to myself for a moment, said a prayer for Wyatt, told him I loved him, and then the dragonfly flew off.  "Oh dragonfly, my dragonfly, come back", I wanted to yell.

Many people don't believe in signs from those who have left us, but me, I do.  These dragonflies, butterflies, and other things that are presented to me have a way about them.  They don't just fly by, they make sure they make their presence known. 

Yesterday marked 13 months since the day Wyatt entered the world.  13 months, how the heck did that happen?  Today I received a sign from him, and I know it was his way of telling me he is safe and watching over us. 

We love you little boy and oh how we wish you could come back to us.