What Could Have Beens

It's been a while since I blogged here, but that is mainly because I have been super busy with hospital trips for these kidney stones.  This weekend marked the third trip to the hospital which resulted in three days of stay there in labor and delivery. 

Wyatt's pregnancy was cake compared to everything that has gone on during this pregnancy.  Though carrying Wyatt was difficult, due to the amount of fluid that cause discomfort, these stones with this pregnancy are giving me a run for my money. 

Over the past few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what delivery for this pregnancy is going to be like.  Wyatt's delivery was so unreal.  I was pushing and telling the doctors when the contractions would come before they would even show up on the monitor.  I remember watching Brian's face as our first son was delivered and held by the doctors.  His face went from happy to immediate sadness.  That's what happens when you realize that what the doctors had been saying was real, our son was no longer alive. 

I continue to think about Nolan's delivery and how much happiness will fill the room when we hear his cry.  But then I think of the sadness that will be present as well as we remember the delivery of our little Wyatt. 

I have come to grips with the fact, that there are going to be a lot of happy times that turn sad in the next few weeks.  Not because we aren't happy but because of reminders of what could have been with our first son, Wyatt.  There will be smiles, giggles, laughter, and cheers.  But behind all of them there will be heartache, cries, and tears.  I am aware of this though I am not prepare for it. 

There are times over the past few weeks when I find myself thinking that I may not be able to take home a baby this time either.  It must be something that many BLMs feel at least once as they get closer to delivery.  I have felt it several times and it takes my breath away.  I try to tell myself that everything is going to be perfect with Nolan and that he will be coming home with us, but it isn't always that easy. 

I am ready to meet my second son, our little Nolan.  I am ready to bring home a baby and watch him grow.  I am ready for the cries and the smiles.  I am ready for the diapers and the bottles.  But I am not ready to have my heart broken in a million pieces once again, as we realize the "what could have beens".