Saturday, June 9, 2012

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

He was remembered

Well, the day arrived... His second birthday.  I can't believe it has been two years since we were last together.  That is a long time for a mother and child to be apart.  Today wasn't nearly as hard as last year but there were several tough tugs to the heart.  I didn't lose it and managed to hold it together well today.  There have been times where the tears started to form but I choked them back, thought about everything that has happened in two years, and moved forward.

It was a beautiful day outside.  The skies were blue and the air was fresh.  I told myself I was going to enjoy this day as it would be the first birthday in three years out of the hospital.  I did make the most of it.  I found a feather by my bed, a sign.  I know he was near.

The birthday wishes piled in for Wyatt and I.  Pictures of lit candles, his names, or friends and family wearing blue were post on FB.  I loved seeing it all.  He was remembered and that was all that mattered.

It's been two years but it seems like just yesterday that I held my little warrior, my little monkey, my Wyatt.  Love and miss him so very much.

Photos from friends and family in remembrance:

~ Aunt Lisa

Thought of you when I saw this baby Wyatt! ~ Aunt Lisa

~ from Caroline

~ from Melissa

~ from Danielle

~ from Aunt Callie, Shaelyn, Breah, and Avery

~ from Lauren

~ from Aunt Heather

~ from Nolan your little brother

~ from Daddy (a monkey in your bush)

~ from Mommy and Daddy
We love you with all our hearts!

~ from Mommy
A Mommy with her boys!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow Party

We celebrated Wyatt's second birthday this past Sunday, June 3.  We decided to invite only our immediate families and we did a BBQ and a balloon release.  After countless hours of searching the web for ideas to stick with a rainbow theme, it seemed to all come together in the end.

We had to purchase more balloons which resulted in Brian being late for the start of the party, all because I decided to be cheap and get the helium tank to do it myself.  I didn't it the night before and well, the morning of the party I woke up to balloons laying all over the kitchen floor.  Ah well, live and learn.

The party was a success and the release went as planned.  Of course, it always rains when we do something for Wyatt and this was no different.  After the release it poured, the wind was crazy, and it even hailed.  The moon bounce blew across the yard and my Dad caught it, thank God.  I seriously think that Wyatt was just sending a sign saying that he wanted more balloons.  LOL

I read a poem just before the balloon release.  This year the poem I selected was called Little Snowdrop.

Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Here are photos from Wyatt's 2nd birthday:

Rainbow on the inside...

and on the out!

Rainbow cake to go with the cupcakes

Nolan playing with the 100 water balloons that I filled but we never got to use

Rainbow fruit

Veg dip - yum

Rainbow apps!!!

Rainbow balloons - second set since the first were on the floor when we woke up in the morning

"Mommy, we are sending all of these to brother?"

"Let me get some of that!!"

"Gramps, thanks for the cold dog... it's really good!"

Getting ready for the release

Rainbow release

Mommy, Daddy, and little brother

Poem time

They are coming to you baby.. 

Somewhere over the rainbow you will catch them

They looked as if they were glowing

Hard to see but still glowing

Clouds and rainbow

Rainbow pretzel rods

Wyatt's special box

All for our son, Wyatt James

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Birthday Gift

My dearest Wyatt,

I just ordered your birthday present.  I wish I could give you so much more but it's so hard with you in Heaven.  I know that you look down to us every day, I just wish you were here with us.  I decided to order you a garden flag with your photo on it for your special garden.  I can't wait until it arrives so Daddy and I can place it next to your stone.  We love you and miss you so very very much.  I still can't believe the tomorrow is your second birthday already.

Brother was so cute today.  I allowed him to stand up against your cabinet and he was just talking away and tapping at the glass.  It was as if he was talking with you.

Well, I wanted to let you know that your present is ordered and will hopefully be in soon.

Love you very much,


Thick of it

Today I find myself among the thick of it.  Two years ago today was a day I tried to hang onto forever.  I had already awoke from a surgery that took your little life and I was told that I needed to deliver you as soon as I could.  I recall telling the doctor that we would wait until Sunday.  I was too weak to push due to the surgery but the main reason for the wait was my selfishness.  I wanted you to remain with me for as long as possible.  You were safe and sound still inside my womb and I didn't want to face the hard reality of the fact that you were really gone.  

It didn't matter what I wanted, you had your own plan.  Though my body went into labor just hours after the surgery, your didn't arrive until Sunday.  There wasn't much to the delivery.  A few pushes and you were out.  You were so tiny and fragile.  I remember thinking how much you resembled your Uncle Ryan.  

Yes, today I find myself in the thick of it.  No, not the pain, but of the memories of two years ago.  The memories of the worst ten days of my entire life.  The remembrance of the events leading up to your delivery.  And I cherish the wonderful moments, though too brief, that you were with us.  I will forever remember the moment when you were place in my arms, the moment when I officially became your Mommy.  

Every day I miss you more and more.  I find myself understanding more than I ever have before about life and the shortness of it all.  I realize that one day Daddy and I will be with you again and it gives me hope.  I also know that you are with loving family and you now have Mommom with you, who will love you as much as I.  

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Holding His Hand

I haven't ever actually gone back to read any of my blog post on this blog as I have always feared it would be too hard to revisit those dark days.  However, tonight I found myself wondering where I was and how far I have come in the past two years.  Since I knew I couldn't revisit posts or the entire story because it would tear open the scar in my heart, I decided to just pull up the post from this day last year.  Here is the post.

It's funny.  After reading that post there is so much that has changed yet so much is still the same.  I don't work any more, something I never dreamed could be possible.  I was laid off with a corporate lay off back in November.  I don't speak in the "bank jargon" any longer.... peer, um no!  BUT, I do still hate turning the calendar each month.  I was actually going to get up to look to see if I had changed the calendar to June today, but I know I didn't.  It is something I thought about but put off because I knew what it meant.  He would have been two in five days.

I remember the doctor coming in after I woke up from the surgery on June 4.  He told me that we needed to deliver Wyatt as soon as possible for many reasons.  I told him that I just couldn't do it yet.  I said I just can't, not right now and I had just been cut from hip to hip so it was impossible to push.  He agreed but said, "tomorrow is the day then because your birthday is on the sixth and we don't want you to share your birthdays."  He was serious.  He continued with, "delivering him on your birthday will be hard psychologically." I think about his statement all the time, but this time of the year is the worst.  WTF!  Did he not bother to the consider the fact that regardless of the day that it would always be hard psychologically?  A-fucking-mazing!  I say this to myself all the time about that doctor.

Although the doctor had his own thoughts and theories, Wyatt and God got there way (as it should have been).  Wyatt was delivered on my birthday, something that I cherish every single day.  I am blessed to share my birthday with my son.  That doctor couldn't have been more wrong.

Although another year has passed, I sometimes still feel like I am back in 2010.  So much has changed in my life, but many of the same feelings and emotions still remain.  This year we will not only remember Wyatt, but we will remember my Mommom also.  Sadly we lost her to cancer at the end of last year.  Two nights before she passed, I whispered in her ear to find Wyatt when she got there.  I know she heard because she woke up and said to me, "What's wrong?"  That was Mommom.  Something was always wrong.  This year is just as tough as last, but I know that my Mommom is up there with Wyatt.  She knows that we celebrate Wyatt's day.  

This was Mommom watching them go up last year.

This year, she will be holding his hand awaiting their arrival.