Looking Up and Not Down

Today marked the big day..... June 4th the worst day ever.  The day we lost our little angel, the day he passed into Heaven. 

We decided to hold a memory celebration party for Wyatt today.  We invited our immediate families and decided on a monkey theme.  I had worked for two months to ensure that the decorations and foods would be perfect. 

Brian worked very hard for weeks to ensure the yard was presentable, mulch laid, etc. 

It didn't matter how much we prepared we still had so much to do this morning.  We ran around all day, worked hard to prepare everything, and tried to make it perfect.  I cooked and tried to clean up the house.  Brian worked outside to ensure Wyatt's garden was 100% complete for the party.  We were down to the wire and it was killing me.  I was so sore, my stomach was stretching from little Nolan, and Brian looked beat, but we continued to push through. 

At 12:28p, the exact time one year ago that a ultrasound was preformed on Wyatt and the doctors realized he had passed, I looked outside.  Brian was still working on Wyatt's garden.  He was adding the final touch, his memorial stone.  How perfect.

Around 1:30p, I lost it for the first time.  I just couldn't take any more.  Between the pains in my sides, the realization that not everything was going to be completed, and the fact that we had just passed the one year mark since Wyatt left us, I was in tears.  It annoyed Brian but eventually I think he understood it wasn't just because things couldn't all get done.  He realized there were more to the tears. 

The party began at 3:00p, and I was still making food and decorating.  Thank goodness my niece had her party today also and no one arrived until closer to 4:00p. 

I was strong today, I have come a long way in one year.  I had two moments when I thought I was going to lose it at the party, once while watching Wyatt's video and the second during the balloon release.  Otherwise, something just felt different.  I honestly felt like for the first time in a while that he was there, right there with me, all day long!  I felt as though he knew what I was doing and why, like he understood.  It felt as though he was walking with me today, like he was right beside me looking up and not down. 

PS:  The next post will be more in depth on the party and will include photos!