Friday, March 18, 2011

St. Patrick's Day, one day late...

You will soon learn (if you don't know already), I am late for everything.  I was late being born by two days.  I was late turning 18, as the rest of my class was 18 before graduation.  I was almost late to my wedding, thanks to losing my own wedding ring and not realizing it until an hour before the service.  And here I am late writing a blog post for St. Patrick's Day for my first born son. 

Do I feel bad about it, no not really.  Why you ask... Because Wyatt knows two things, one he knows he is loved and thought of every single day, regardless if it's a holiday or not.  And two, he knows his mother is late for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.

So here it is, the day after St. Patrick's Day.  Wyatt should have been here celebrating his first Irish holiday, but instead, he was up above looking down.  I wonder if there are leprechauns in Heaven?  Probably not, for you don't need a rainbow and a pot of gold up there.  Everything is so colorful and golden already.  Everything there is perfect, so why would luck be needed?  Well, I do hope that Wyatt was able to at least see what St. Patrick's Day was like, as he is Irish and he has an Irish last name.  As I envision what it would have been like to have him here on a wonderful Irish holiday, I picture a handsome little boy dressed in green with a cute little hat and something that says, "Kiss me girls, I am Irish!"  Though my envision will never become a reality, I smile when I see in my thoughts this bright, big eyed baby smiling and showing his new little teeth. 

Yesterday was the first time since losing Wyatt that I was struck by time.  Yea, that's right, struck by time.  Like the clock struck twelve and the carriage turned into a pumpkin.  Brian and I were driving to a meeting and I was thinking of Wyatt.  I turned to Brian and said, "Do you realize that in two and a half months it will be one year since we lost Wyatt?"  I held back tears as I said it.  One year?!  How in the hell is that possible?  That is 365 days since we lost our son, the one we tried for twenty-six months to create.  One freaking year!  Brian and I continued to drive to the meeting and the subject was changed.  I don't think that either of us can believe that the one year mark is almost here.  It feels like the horror just took place yesterday.  It is so fresh and so heart wrenching still. 

Nothing like being struck by time on St. Patrick's Day.  I felt like I had lived a year of my life in the dark.  I found myself thinking back over the past few months and realizing that though I thought I was out of the dark, I really wasn't.  I don't know whether a parent who loses a child is ever fully out of the dark.  I think I will always hold onto June 2010 like it was yesterday, I think I will hold onto it forever. 

As St. Patrick's Day grew to a close, I remember laying in bed and thinking of what I would wish for if I ever found that pot of gold, the one at the end my rainbow.  But after considering all that I could wish for, I realized that I would need more than one wish.  Of course, if I could only have one wish it would be for my family to all be together as one.  Then I realized, that would bring Wyatt back, but it may not make him better.  He still may be sick with HLHS, and I wouldn't want him to suffer.  So, I realized I would have to have a second wish so I could ensure he was back with us and that he didn't have HLHS.  Then I realized, if Wyatt was back with us, we may not have Nolan.  For without Wyatt, Nolan may have never been created, so a third wish was now necessary.  It continued to build until I reached nine wishes.  I realized then, that I would just wish to not use my wish.  For life is the way it is because of a greater power.  If one thing in this life is changed it could cause a domino effect.  I believe it was even described that way in the movies "Back to the Future". 

As I closed my eyes, I decided that life is not about what should be changed or returned.  Instead, it is about understanding that all things happen for a reason (though it doesn't make sense at the time) and that you must love what you once had, what you have, and what you will come to you in the future. 

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