Thursday, March 24, 2011

Carry My Pain without Falling

So today was the close of the class that started earlier this month.  Yes, the same class who on day one I found myself telling them about Wyatt.  Today the class took their assessment and to celebrate their release from education we had a pizza party.

Parties are supposed to be fun times and filled with happiness right?  Well, this party started off fun, but ended with the class asking more questions about Wyatt.  The questions were questions that I hadn't had to answer outside of friends and family before. 

It was strange sitting there with a room full of people, who I had only meant a few weeks ago, as they starred at me while I blurted out some of the horrific details that unfolded in my life starting on May 26, 2010.  They wanted to know and I was willing to share.  Well, willing to share some, not all. 

I told our family's story (the vague version) to a room full of people who just appeared stunned when they heard it.  I did it without crying.  What does that mean?  Have I lost all connection?  Have a grown immune to the fact that my first son is in Heaven?  How does a mother tell a story about the loss of her precious son without crying?  What the hell is wrong with me? 

After discussing Wyatt for what seemed to be hours, I excused myself to allow for the discussion in the room to change.  I went to my desk, sat down and quickly asked myself all of the questions listed above.  I couldn't come up with any answers. 

I remember someone telling me just a few months after losing Wyatt that the pain eventually becomes easier to deal with.  This person was a close friend's mother.  She would know, as she lost her baby years back.  I remember thinking that day, after the conversation was over, that my pain would always be there and it would never become easier.  I said to myself that day "Wyatt means too much to ever have the pain become easier." 

The pain is not gone, it never will be.  The pain will remain in my heart, my soul, and my mind forever.  The pain is something that I will never be able to describe in words.  It's there and it will remain until I see my son again.  I lost my son, lost him.  He is never coming back to be with his mother or father.  The next time we will see him will be in Heaven. 

But today I realized that the conversation I had a few months back with a very wise mother was accurate.  The pain IS still there, it is not going any where.  But I am now able to deal with it.  I have never had to carry pain with me throughout life.  Nothing had ever happened to me that caused me so much pain that it needed to be carried.  But my life is different now.  It all changed in one long week in 2010. 

I will now carry my pain forever, but it is becoming easier to deal with.  For I have taught myself how to carry my pain without falling. 

I found a poem today and I wanted to share it.  It reminded me a lot of Wyatt. 

Author Unknown

You were a part of us
and we knew life was there.
We would wonder--a boy or girl?
Would you have hair?
I reflect back on the memories
of what I felt inside.
Were you growing?
Was that a flutter?
Were your eyes open wide?
Now you're here,
but not as we planned.
Our dreams have been shattered
as we touch your little hand.
Your tiny feet, your sleeping face,
we know you're in a special place.
Your peaceful look, your little nose.
God cradles you in sweet repose.
But we have these gifts
to hold close to heart.
And we will always have the memories
of which you are a part.
You were a part of us
and we knew a life was there.
We thank you for these simple treasures
you have placed within our care.


Tiffany said...

Oh mama.... I get what the mama was saying when she said it gets easier but really it's so individual she can't really say that's how it is for you or anyone else. I hit a point where I wasn't crying anymore either.... I think it was around the 2 yr mark... For me it was a phase. I think it works in phases or cycles, at least for me. I love her the same, possibly more. The pain I carry always. But then after a few months the cry-free phase passed and I'm back at the crying phase. Though it's not a crying every time sort of things. It really all depends... Sorry I'm all over the place. I guess what I'm trying to say is that tears don't measure the pain we carry or the love we have for our child. So don't second guess your love mama.

Lauren said...

It's the same way with me. The pain will always be there, but I am able to talk about Caleb without drowning in tears. You have great strength in being able to talk about him, and that strength will continue to grow. Lots of love.

turtleohs said...

Talking about Wyatt without crying doesnt mean any of the things you mentioned...It just means you're getting stronger. The pain is still just as hard to deal with, but you're learning to be stronger and I think Wyatt is giving you strength in many ways :)

Laurie said...

Ah, Megan. Me too...I've wondered about this too as I've surprised myself by not tearing up too much when talking about her lately. My "answer" is in-part what Michelle said a while back - "the weight is always the same - just some days you are more able to pick it up than others." I guess, our "grief" muscle gets worked-out over time. I also have learned that I can share her more (people are more "comfortable") if I don't cry - and I will NOT not speak of her, especially if people ask how many children I have, if Lil is my only one (I can't believe how often that question comes up). And I'm glad it is asked because then I get to answer that Gwen is my child too. When I say it without tears I get a "better" response. So, there's some conditioning there too. That's my answer. And, also, I think in a way, I've decided that my tears for Gwen now are too sacred in a way, to "share" with just anybody - it's a selection process now. And it's all not good - to build a strong "grief muscle" sucks - I don't want that kind of "strength" but I carry it without choice and the "muscle building" happens automatically since I can't ever set it down. Forced strength. Love to you!