Today is the fifth, which is smack between the fourth and the sixth, two dates that haunt me and probably will forever. The fourth of June was the day of Wyatt's surgery and the sixth was the day I delivered him. So, with today being the fifth, it is like the day of somber. The fourth is always filled with the "what if we hadn't done the procedure" questions and the sadness that the surgery didn't work. And the sixth is always filled with "the first time we saw his face" statements.
Looking back over the past few months, I would have to say that months three and seven were the hardest for me. It took the first few months to realize that this was our life, so month three is when it had finally sunk in. Month seven was extremely hard, because it was the mile marker. It marked that Wyatt had been gone the same amount of time for which I carried him.
This is month nine. It takes nine months to carry a child to full term, and it has taken nine months for a grieving parent to come to grips with the fact that their child is truly in a better place. This was caused a lot because of a wonderful person, who sent us a very amazing book.
The book is called "Heaven is for Real". I am not a big reader, it usually takes me forever to get through one book. But this book had me for the very beginning. It is about a little boy who has surgery and during the surgery has an out of body experience. The child's story is retold by his father and it has really made me think and understand things a bit better.
The book has allowed me to make sense of some of the signs/events that have taken place since Wyatt left. It has also allowed me to finally come to peace with the fact that Wyatt is in a better place, his life not gone forever. I used to always think that he spent seven months in a dark womb growing and developing, but for what, to just die and never get to live. Well, this book has changed that perspective for me.
Though I sit at another milestone about to take place tomorrow, nine months since we saw Wyatt's little face for the first time, I find myself taking this milestone a bit easier this month. I know that one day my son will be with his parents again and until then he is with other wonderful people.