Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Many Miles Still to Walk

I caught myself starring at Wyatt's photo today, the one on my desk that was taken by NILMDTS.  I mentally reminded myself that my life is not a dream.  "Yes, he was here for a short time and he had to return home.  He is no longer here with you." 

For whatever reason, the past week has been difficult.  I try to be strong for Nolan, as I tell myself that it isn't fair to him.  Wyatt didn't have to deal with his mother crying all the time, so why should Nolan.  But ultimately the tears come out.  I think this time I held them in too long. 

I felt Nolan move today for the first "real" time.  I am sure I have felt him before, but the flutters were too light to be positive.  Today I felt him multiple times.  A mother should be happy to feel her unborn child, right?  I was, but I wasn't.  I was pleased to feel my son move and know that he is there, growing and strong.  But it was yet another sad reminder of the fact that Wyatt is no longer with us. 

I understand my boys are two different children, believe me, I don't have issues with this.  What I am struggling with are the constant reminders of what it was like when Wyatt was alive.  The maternity clothes, same cravings, the stretching pains in my sides, and now the tiny little flutters.  To this day, I haven't had cherries, for that was the last thing I ate while Wyatt was still living inside me. 

I would love to not have the reminders, but how is that possible when there are no other reminders of Wyatt while he was alive.  I never heard him breathe or cry.  I never looked into his eyes.  I never held my child while he was alive to tell him that I love him.  These are all things that I hope to do with Nolan.  Special times with a child who is a precious gift from God and his brother. 

A year ago, I never would have thought that I would be like so many others I knew, a mother who lost a child.  Six months ago, I didn't think I was going to be able to pull through.  Three months ago, I was still in shock that we were pregnant again, ON OUR OWN.  And today I sit here wondering what the next few months will bring. 

It sure is amazing how much someones eyes can be opened in such a short period of time.  Amazing how much they can come to understand and realize.  Then they look ahead and see the many miles still to walk, the countless hurdles still to jump, and the thousands of obstacles still to maneuver around. 


Antoinette said...

i refuse to eat pork this pregnancy cause ribs were the last thing i ate when she was alive =*******(((

i know how you feel (((hugs)))

Sarah said...

I sometimes tell people about your story - I find it simply amazing that you were able to get pregnant with Nolan after trying for so long with Wyatt. It's funny how these things work out.

I know you'll find a way to make it through all these new feelings!

Susan said...

I think I know how you feel, Megan. My daughter and my son's wife were both pregnant at the same time last year. The babies were due 2 months apart. My daughter's baby, my precious first grand-daughter Isabella, was stillborn. My son's baby Noelle was born healthy and is now almost 5 months old. She is a beautiful baby and I love her very much. But I have a hard time feeling the joy in her that I should, whenever I see her or hold her, I can't help thinking of Isabella and missing her. I hope that will fade as time passes. I am so thankful to have Noelle, but I wish with all my heart I could have had them both.
Peace to you, Megan, in the months to come...