Friday, January 14, 2011

"How can it be?"

I had a long talk with God today.  The talk was very one sided, as normal.  This talk took place after receiving a text from a friend, a friend who has been trying to become pregnant since before I conceived Wyatt.  Her story is very similar to mine, so much so, it was like we were meant to meet so we could provide guidance to one another. 

Over the past few weeks, we enjoyed being pregnant together, finally.  Her pregnancy was complicated with several concerns, but with guidance and friendship, we still discussed our pregnancy and enjoyed the time together. 

Today, that all changed.  The text came through and I was in tears.  I was sitting at my desk with flashbacks racing through my mind, fast flashbacks of Wyatt's pregnancy, the entire duration of his pregnancy.  At one point, I placed my cell phone down on the desk and put my head next to it.  I remember starring at the side of the phone and yelling at God in my head.  "How can it be?"

The text said, "No heartbeat.  Baby is measuring smaller and is dissolving.  At surgery center now."  She was about to have a D and C to remove the child she had be trying to conceive for years.  All I could think of was how unfair life can be to those so deserving. 

After swallowing the lump in my throat and wiping my eyes, I decided I needed to step away.  I went to the bathroom and sat in the stall.  While sitting there, I had my one sided conversation with God.  I tried to explain that I felt that deserving people always seemed to have to go through tough times.  I discussed how there are many others who hurt their babies and asked why not them?  I asked why her, someone whose story was so much like mine.  And I asked why my friend? 

The conversation provided no answers, no sympathy, and no emotion from the other side.  I returned to my desk and looked at my phone again.  I saw the message again and realized, our friendship just became 100% different. 

Different for many reasons.  We will need to be there for each, more now than before.  Her story is now even more like mine.  She understands more than she did before.  We both have a void in our hearts that will never be filled. 

I have asked myself all day what I could do for her.  How could it be so hard to figure out what do to for her, I was there in her shoes, experiencing the same loss.  But the only thing I can think to provide her is support and friendship.  That is all I wanted during my time of loss.  The flowers were nice and the cards were great to receive.  But having someone just to talk to about my child, that meant the most to me.  That is what I plan to give to her, someone to talk to. 

Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers, please. 


Whittney said...

Heart breaking

Melissa said...

Praying for your friend and also for you that you find the strength to help her as much as you can. Hugs to you.

Lisette said...

So sorry, praying for your friend's hurting heart. You are going to be such a great support to her. ((HUGS))

Laurie said...

My biggest fear is that this will happen to someone I know, someone close to me. My heart goes out to your dear friend... I hate how we only know powerlessness here - I always wish and hope that because it happened to me, statistically, everyone I know is protected... I hoped it for all the babies I met at CHOP...and another baby girl who's grandma I know here in town... and well, many angels later - all I can do is watch and ache for them and hate it... I hate this for you and your friend. My love and care... and I know - isn't it amazing that you don't become "experienced" - I still feel like I just don't know what to do - instead I KNOW - I know there isn't a thing but, yea, what you said, just there. Right there with love and care and no words... God Bless you both.