Friday, January 21, 2011

Happiness with Caution

A conversation took place yesterday between me and a friend.  It was a conversation that wasn't planned and was least expected.  Though the conversation started with the happiness of showing off my newest baby bump, it ended with me walking away thinking thoughts of unhappiness and frustration.

The conversation's turning point happened while I was discussing the hopeful gender of our miracle baby with a friend.  To be very honest, I could careless what we are having, boy or girl, either way the child will be loved just the same.  But there are times when I answer with a specific gender, yesterday was one of those times.  "A boy would be nice.  It would be nice to have a boy again."  And at that very moment, that actual second, the conversation went downhill like a ball rolling faster as it built up momentum. 

I understood what the friend was trying to get at and what she was meaning to say, but it was coming out all wrong.  It was alluded to that I didn't love this baby as much as Wyatt, that I wasn't connecting as much.  I have to say that this friend alluded so very wrong.  For the love is there, and the connection is too but the connection is just very different. 

I tried to explain, but she didn't understand. 

Try to explain grief to someone who didn't have to try forever to conceive a child.  Try to explain sadness to someone who didn't carry a baby for 29 weeks, then find out that the only surgery to help the child would probably take his life.  Try to explain pain to someone who never lost a child. 

I couldn't find the right words.  She was talking and I was thinking, more like pondering, for the right way to say what I needed her to understand.  But the words never came, I just couldn't formulate them correctly. 

While discussing my day with Brian, I stumbled upon what had happened.  It brought tears to my eyes while I explained the conversation to him.  I told him that I tried for the entire length of the conversation to find the right words to explain my situation, but that they never came. 

Today while reading another BLM's blog, Lori Does Maryland, I found the words.  The words were written by Lori, so I wanted to ensure that she received the credit.  The words were there listed in a paragraph of their own.  The words were:

"Grief doesn't end because amazing joy begins. They coexist and can really tear one up."

Those are the perfect words that say it all and mean so much.  Those are the words that can get the point across.  Just because a new life is forming doesn't mean that things are going to be the same as they were in the past.  For when joy exists without grief, it is amazing.  When grief exists without joy, it is heart wrenching.  But when grief exists with joy, it causes happiness with caution. 


Danielle said...

I love your words, Megan. I honestly don't think there is any way to convey to people how losing a child feels until they have walked this road themselves. And, I don't think you should have to explain yourself or how you are feeling to anyone. Each child is different, our bond with each child can be different and with what you've been through, I'd be concerned if there wasn't some caution alongside the happiness :)

Love to you and your new little peanut <3

Lauren said...

My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel, and it can be so hard to get others to see how grief really does change every aspect of our lives. Lots of love to you.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

So perfect for me today. Thank you.

I find myself so struggling recently with the joy and anxities of this pregnany and the loss of my first daughter, Acacia. With my "real life" friends and family, I feel so out of place. I feel much more connected with MY reality as a BLM as I read other BLMs' blogs and write on my own. I am slowly letting the understanding sink in that if a person has not experienced the death of their baby, they probably just can't quite understand what I'm feeling... even if I could find the perfect words to express myself.

Much love to you.

turtleohs said...

It seems a little offensive that she would even insinuate that, especially since she has no idea! I'm sorry :(