As with most Chinese restaurants, I received a fortune after eating my meal on Friday, July 9. It said, "Like the river flow into the sea, somethings are just meant to be." I wonder if this is a message from my little boy, I thought. I tucked the fortune into my wallet and thought I would pull it out later to scrapbook it. Here it is July 15, and I happened to come across the fortune again (as I forgot about it, which has been typically of everything over the past few weeks). I find myself now sitting here wondering about all of the events over the past few weeks. I continue to ask my son for signs to show me he is okay. But I think I have been making him work overtime. Looking back on the past few weeks, I believe now that everything was a sign.
Looking back on my pregnancy, I think there were signs everywhere that Wyatt was not going to remain on Earth with me, in my heart yes, but not here on Earth. I could go through all of the signs but that would take forever, so I will just cover a few of the biggest.
1. Dreams about a best friend who had passed a few years back from cystic fibrosis. The dreams started off a just blurs, changing into dreams about us growing up together and playing as we did when we were in school. The dreams then turned to lessons, like she was trying to teach me or show me something. I dreamt that she told me I wasn't having a boy, that I was having a girl. And my last and final dream of her was one that I get chills just thinking about. She was having a baby, she went into labor and delivered a baby that wasn't alive. I dreamt this dream on the eve prior to finding out Wyatt's condition (May 26). I haven't had a dream about her since.
2. About a month before Wyatt's condition was diagnosis, I found myself daydreaming and thinking of how I have so many nieces and nephews who are healthy. I thought about how we have so many children in our families and not a single one has a major health issue. In that same thought, I found myself thinking that Brian and I would be the ones to have an unhealthy child. I don't know why I thought that thought that day, but I did and I can't stop thinking about it.
3. As I now think back on some of the things people said to me, most of them weren't congratulations or hugs and kisses... most of the words were "enjoy the time you have being pregnant", "life is a precious gift", "this will be your little angel". These could all be things someone says to someone when they find out they are pregnant, but I am wondering if it could have been a sign.
4. My sister-in-law purchased countless angel pins and charms for me when she found out I was pregnant. Why? She didn't for her other sister-in-law. And why angels??? Was it another sign?
5. We saw Wyatt's heart beat for the first time on Christmas Eve, was that God telling us something? That he can give and he can take away.
6. I found out I was pregnant on my brother's birthday, and I delivered my son on my birthday. Why???
Since June 6, Wyatt's angel day, I think I have been missing the signs (although they are right in my face). Some that I can think back on now are below:
1. Wyatt's memorial mass on June 12, during communion, there was a bird outside stain glass window trying to get in. I didn't see the bird, as I was crying with my head on the alter. But all of my family and friends saw this little bird.
2. Butterflies, butterflies, and more butterflies.. I have never seen so many in so many beautiful colors, and so close they get....
3. I walked outside on Sunday and looked up to the sky... I noticed two white birds flying behind a black bird. I only caught a glipse and they were gone. They were not seagulls, cause they were small, tiny birds. Where they doves???
4. The last sign, the dream... I will not get into the dream right now.. but I know it was a sign that my little boy has already made friends in heaven and they are on the playground in heaven. (I will save this dream for a later post, it needs one of its own, as it is very special.)