Sunday, July 24, 2011

Big Brother

So many emotions have been running through my body over the past month.  Now the time is near, within 24 hours, Wyatt, you are going to be a big brother.  Well, you already are, but he is arriving either tomorrow or Tuesday.  I can't believe it.  What a gift you have given to your Daddy and I. 

So many emotions because this brings back the memories of your delivery just one year ago.  It brings back the words of the doctors and the very short time that we were able to spend together.  I makes me realize just how much we have missed out on, though I know that you there looking down and at times I feel you beside me.

Can you believe it, baby boy?  You are a big brother.  You are and will always be our first son, our precious angel, our golden egg.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever take that away! 

In about 24 hours, Mommy is going to be put on Pitocin to help baby Nolan arrive sooner.  We are hoping it happens quick, but within 24-48 hours your little brother will be here.  I am sure you are more aware of his arrival than we are. 

We pray that he is perfect and that you will watch over him to ensure all is okay.  Mommy and Daddy plan to tell him all about you, throughout his life.  We know that you will be there, we know that you wouldn't miss this, as he was your gift to us. 

We love you Wyatt and we miss you more and more every day.  We wish you could be here to be with us and your new little brother.  Mommy still hasn't figured out the reason why, but for some reason, God decided our lives had to be this way.  I am sure you know the answer and Mommy will figure it out before she comes to be with you.  But for now, please promise Mommy that you will never leave our sides, you will be there looking over us forever, and that you will be the best big brother ever.  In return, Mommy promises to cherish your gift, love you forever, keep your memory alive, and be with you when God says the time is right. 

We love you baby boy and we miss you very very much. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

What Could Have Beens

It's been a while since I blogged here, but that is mainly because I have been super busy with hospital trips for these kidney stones.  This weekend marked the third trip to the hospital which resulted in three days of stay there in labor and delivery. 

Wyatt's pregnancy was cake compared to everything that has gone on during this pregnancy.  Though carrying Wyatt was difficult, due to the amount of fluid that cause discomfort, these stones with this pregnancy are giving me a run for my money. 

Over the past few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what delivery for this pregnancy is going to be like.  Wyatt's delivery was so unreal.  I was pushing and telling the doctors when the contractions would come before they would even show up on the monitor.  I remember watching Brian's face as our first son was delivered and held by the doctors.  His face went from happy to immediate sadness.  That's what happens when you realize that what the doctors had been saying was real, our son was no longer alive. 

I continue to think about Nolan's delivery and how much happiness will fill the room when we hear his cry.  But then I think of the sadness that will be present as well as we remember the delivery of our little Wyatt. 

I have come to grips with the fact, that there are going to be a lot of happy times that turn sad in the next few weeks.  Not because we aren't happy but because of reminders of what could have been with our first son, Wyatt.  There will be smiles, giggles, laughter, and cheers.  But behind all of them there will be heartache, cries, and tears.  I am aware of this though I am not prepare for it. 

There are times over the past few weeks when I find myself thinking that I may not be able to take home a baby this time either.  It must be something that many BLMs feel at least once as they get closer to delivery.  I have felt it several times and it takes my breath away.  I try to tell myself that everything is going to be perfect with Nolan and that he will be coming home with us, but it isn't always that easy. 

I am ready to meet my second son, our little Nolan.  I am ready to bring home a baby and watch him grow.  I am ready for the cries and the smiles.  I am ready for the diapers and the bottles.  But I am not ready to have my heart broken in a million pieces once again, as we realize the "what could have beens".  

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Oh Dragonfly, My Dragonfly!

Over the past few days, I have seen a few dragonflies, something I never saw much of last year.  The only one I saw last year was amazing though.  It was laying on the carpet outside and even let me touch it several times.  I honestly thought it was dead, but after going back outside to look at it again, it was gone. 

As I said before, I have seen several dragonflies over the past few days though.  It's amazing.  They come and get close to my face, fly in place for a few seconds, and then fly up to the sky.  Today, while standing by our pool with my mom and niece, one came flying by.  It took me off guard at first, but then I stood to watch it. 

Most of the ones I have seen have green in them, the one today was solid black.  I thought to myself for a moment, said a prayer for Wyatt, told him I loved him, and then the dragonfly flew off.  "Oh dragonfly, my dragonfly, come back", I wanted to yell.

Many people don't believe in signs from those who have left us, but me, I do.  These dragonflies, butterflies, and other things that are presented to me have a way about them.  They don't just fly by, they make sure they make their presence known. 

Yesterday marked 13 months since the day Wyatt entered the world.  13 months, how the heck did that happen?  Today I received a sign from him, and I know it was his way of telling me he is safe and watching over us. 

We love you little boy and oh how we wish you could come back to us.