STILL

I wish life wasn't like this.

I wish he was physically here in my arms, but he isn't. I wish I could kiss him once more, but I can't. I wish I could have seen his smile and the color of his eyes, but I didn't. I wish I could have watched him grow, but I couldn't. I wish I could hear him laugh and listen to him breathe, but I won't.

It's been four months, though so short, it was so long, yet so still at the same time. To me, four months ago seems like just yesterday. I feel like I was just being told by the doctor that it is time to start pushing. I feel as though this nightmare may end just around the corner, almost like it never happened. Is that even possible?

Is it possible to have lived for four months but yet look back on them and feel like they never even occurred? Is it possible to have carried my child for 7 months (29 weeks and 1 day to be exact), and feel as though it was all a dream which ended in a nightmare. Is it possible to feel like the nightmare is going to end in just a few days, like I am going to finally wake up and life will be what it was before May 26 (the day we found out everything was wrong)?

No! No, that isn't possible, but in my world that is how I feel. I feel like every day I am living to get to that ultimate goal of finally waking up and crawling out of this dark and horrible nightmare. I feel like I am getting one day closer to the day I will have my son and we will have that "perfect" family. The day that he will be at home with us and we will be raising him and teaching him and watching him grow.

But BAM! Reality strikes, just like lightening, right into the core of me. It takes the warm fuzzy feeling and slams it against the coldest harest rock possible. In return, I feel this bottomless pit in my heart, yes I actually feel it. I get butterflies in my stomach, and I realize that my life really is that horrible nightmare. The one that has the worst ending possible. The one where the baby dies.

The baby. The one that we worked so damn hard to create. The one that we were so patience in waiting for. The child who was loved so much before he even existed. That baby. That is the one that dies. Not the one whose mother doesn't want it, or the one whose mother did drugs during the pregnancy. Not the baby who was unplanned or the one whose parents decide to leave the child in the dumpster. No, not those babies, but our baby has to be the one who dies.

The Center for Disease Control estimates that each year about 975 babies in the United States are born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS). In other words, each year about 2 out of every 10,000 babies born will be born with HLHS. Are you serious?! Why couldn't we have won the lottery? The odds are about the same, on the scratch offs at least. Instead, we have to win in the odds of HLHS and be the ones to lose our baby. Are you freakin serious?!

Today marks four months since we became part of the odds. And though the months have gone by so fast, they are still so very slow. And in the same breath, I think, maybe the months are just STILL, not slow nor fast, just STILL. For the definition of still per Webster's Dictionary is "without motion".

In two words, that best describes the past four months of my life!

Every beat is a miracle....

After trying to conceive for 26 months, I learned on my brother's birthday (12/16) that I was finally pregnant. The first round of IVF worked. I knew this pregnancy was a miracle from the beginning, but I never knew just how much of a miracle.

During the IVF process the doctor was only able to retrieve one egg. The doctor was disappointed, as were Brian and I. The doctor explained that we may have to try an egg donor if this doesn't work. Brian and I kept our heads up high and prayed all would work. It did! The doctor said, "Someone was one your side." The nurse stated, "I am shocked", she couldn't believe it worked.

Throughout the pregnancy, I considered myself lucky. I have friends who are still trying to conceive and can't. I would look at them and think "I remember that, I am so glad I don't have to do that again." I remember rubbing my stomach everyday and anxiously awaiting the birth of our little baby. I continued to think back to the IVF process and I did feel lucky that the one egg they retrieved worked... there had to be reason.

After getting back the autopsy results on Wyatt, I found out just how much of a miracle Wyatt actually was. Wyatt lived for 29 weeks and 1 day with HLHS and Hydrops. Not just HLHS, but the worst case ever. Wyatt's HLHS cause his left side of his heart not to function (which is what HLHS is) but it also caused his right side to compress causing his heart to hardly beat.

Every beat of Wyatt's heart was a miracle. For our son to live for 29 weeks and 1 day with a heart that was hardly beating was a miracle. Our little boy had a purpose here, he fought to show us that purpose, and for Wyatt, every second was a fight.

Wyatt's purpose was to show us that although life may be a struggle, you have to live it, you have to fight. There are many others who have it worse than you do. You have to remain strong and find your purpose.

What is Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome?

Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) is a congenital heart defect that is seen in 1 in every 100,000 births. A mother that has a baby with HLHS stands a chance of 1 in every 1,000 births that her next baby will have HLHS. Having multiple children with HLHS is uncommon, but it has happened. HLHS is a heart condition which impacts the left side of the heart. The left side doesn't develop correctly and causes the right side to work overtime.
In Wyatt's case, his left side didn't develop correctly, he has several issues with valves and such, and his left side was taking on blood but not releasing it. This caused the right side of his heart to shrink in size and hardly work. Since Wyatt's heart was barely working, he began to develop Hydrops.
Hydrops was the piece that the doctors were most concerned about. Hydrops causes the baby to take on fluid and Wyatt had already built up fluid in his lungs, spleen, abdomen, and slightly in his head.
After receiving the autopsy results from our Cardiologist, it was a miracle that Wyatt lived as long as he did. Wyatt basically had a heart that struggled to beat each time it did.
Why things like this happen, I will never know. But my baby is now an angel and he will no longer suffer, for this I am happy.