Thursday, February 16, 2012

What To Do

Man, I just don't even know where to start.  It has been a long time since I have really wrote here and I have been thinking about why over the past few days.  I have come to the conclusion that it is mainly because I really don't even know what to say.  I have been gone for so long and so much has happen I just don't even know where to begin, but I decided I had to visit here tonight.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit disconnected with the rest of life.  Things were great and going smooth, Nolan's birth brought a lot of peace and happiness and smiles returned to our home.  But over the past few weeks, I have been feeling a slight tint of those black clouds covering over part of my rainbow.  I can't put my finger on what exactly it is, why I have this feeling, or what is bringing back the clouds.  I just know they are off in the distance but closer than they have been in a while. 

It could be the loss of my job or maybe the uncertainty of the future.  Maybe it is just the fact that I watch my baby grow up but know that our family is still missing one.  Whatever it is, the dark clouds need to move east so I can see my rainbow more clearly. 

I am currently trying to determine my next adventure in life.  Do I try to return to my old employer, move to another employer, or do something for me for once.  Do I want to go back to school and become that daycare director for once and for all?  Or do I sit with a pencil and paper (well, laptop now that it is 2012) and start what I have always wanted do to.  I seriously think the clouds have returned mainly because of what I want to do deep down in my heart.  I just don't know if what I want to do is something that I can do just yet.  The time is perfect since I am not working and I have the time to do it but I just don't think emotionally I can do it yet. 

I have thought a lot about it, more than I probably should because I doubt anything will ever come of it.  I have researched the steps, thought about the layout, started the first step, and even had a light bulb moment the other day that could make everything come together.  I just don't know if I can actually do it. 

What to do... what to do...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

For A Reason

It has been a while since I wrote here but it is mainly because I have been so busy with little Mr. Nolan.  There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of our special angel Wyatt.  Christmas was tough again this year without our little Wyatt, and watching my Mommom get sicker and sicker by the minute through the holiday didn't make it any easier. 

Mommom got sick right after Wyatt passed and she never got better.  She developed cancer and it just over took her entire body.  Going through the loss of another family member brought back a lot of the same feelings and pain I felt when we lost Wyatt.  After a year and a half I still can't find words for these feelings (I probably never will), but you basically feel empty.

We knew my Mommom was sick but since we spent a lot of time with her, we didn't notice the decline as much as others may.  I am still in shock that she is gone for the fact that a week before she went into the hospital she was driving and getting Nolan diapers.  Just doesn't make sense.

Although some of the same feelings returned with the loss of Mommom, accepting her leaving was much easier.  I told myself that Wyatt now had someone with him who was alive with me when I lost him.  I know that may sound selfish, but that was my way of watching my Grandmother die and getting through her services. 

I find myself now at home without a job (because I was laid off in November) and think a lot.  I think about the what ifs (yes, still), the what could have beens, and the whys.  I never come up with answers, just unanswered questions that seem to fill my head.  I tell myself to brush it off and get back to life, but sometimes I think that is and will always be part of my life... the wondering and the unanswered questions.

Just today I found myself asking the following questions:
- Why did I have to go through so many attempts with getting pregnant only to lose my first child?
- What did I do so wrong to have to return my first child before hearing him cry, seeing his eyes, holding him while he breathed, and before I could tell him I love him?
- I questioned why God takes the good ones but leaves the rotten ones.
- Why was I laid off, what did I do so wrong for a place that I gave so much?
- What does my future hold?

Over the past few months, I have realized that God has a plan and the statement that he only gives you what you can handle is so very very true.  After watching my Mommom get sicker each day, I went to the hospital one night and had to watch her breathe.  Her breathing was bad and it had gotten worse, I knew then that she was leaving.  That was the night I lost it.  How in the hell could he take someone else from our family?  Why not someone else's family?  After getting past those questions (again unanswered), I moved on to the reality of the situation.  She is going to be free from pain and with my Wyatt. 

I recall going home and calling my dad the next day.  I told him something that I never thought I would say.  I told him that I was glad I made the decision and requested that Brian agree to the decision to go through with the surgery for Wyatt.  He asked me why and I responded with, "because, the doctors said he probably wouldn't pull through either way (with the surgery or without).  I am glad we did the surgery and had the medicine to put us both to sleep.  I know that my baby was sleeping and felt nothing, he just never woke up."  With tears steaming down my face, I held onto the phone and continued, "I just watched my Grandmother struggle to breathe and it was terrible.  You could see she was in so much pain and there was nothing you could do.  I couldn't imagine holding my tiny baby, watching him try to breathe, and finally take his last breath."  My dad said this to me, "Meg, I never wanted to tell you that, but maybe it all happened the way it did for a reason."  All I said back was, "yep."