Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
He Will Forever Be
Life hasn't been so hard on the heart lately since the arrival of little Nolan, but that doesn't mean that I don't spend time thinking and wondering what life would have been like if our little Wyatt was still here with us. Life would certainly be different from what it is now that's for sure.
Last night we did something as a family and it was the first time this holiday season that I felt the slap in my face. "He isn't here", I thought as my heart sunk some eight feet into the hard, cold pavement. It's the feeling that I had this time last year when all I wanted for Christmas was my son back or for the season to end. Nothing hurts more than doing something as a family and seeing every ones happy faces but one.
Over the past year and a half, my heart has mended a bit, life has changed some, and we have a new addition to our family. But believe me, it doesn't mean that we aren't missing our little baby boy, in fact, I feel like we miss him more now than ever before. There are days that I walk around the house and show Nolan all of Wyatt's belongings. I explain to him that his big brother is now his angel and that he will forever look over him. I find Nolan starring at Wyatt's urn on occasion while he is trying to fall asleep and I can do nothing but wonder. Wonder what it would have been like for the two of them to have grown up together, wonder what Nolan is thinking or if he sees something, and wonder if Wyatt his really here with us.
After our family event last night, I came home and changed into pjs. Upon changing, I found a feather attached to my bra on the inside of my shirt. I immediately thought, "and we took his monkey, yet he was with me all along." I still find some of the signs so amazing. Just when I needed one the most, he made sure he was there and present.
So like last, this year Christmas is tough as it will be for years to come. It hurts when you celebrate the holiday as a family and you have one missing. What hurts the most is knowing they will never be there to celebrate with you, they will never be in family pictures, never be there to create special memories, and they will never be there to watch grow up. What gets me through is knowing he is free from pain, looking down from Heaven, and forever watching over us.
So this season at Christmas, I have made up my mind to be merry and happy for I have to remember that he is here with us and he will forever be.
We love you Wyatt James, we love you every single day!!!
Last night we did something as a family and it was the first time this holiday season that I felt the slap in my face. "He isn't here", I thought as my heart sunk some eight feet into the hard, cold pavement. It's the feeling that I had this time last year when all I wanted for Christmas was my son back or for the season to end. Nothing hurts more than doing something as a family and seeing every ones happy faces but one.
Over the past year and a half, my heart has mended a bit, life has changed some, and we have a new addition to our family. But believe me, it doesn't mean that we aren't missing our little baby boy, in fact, I feel like we miss him more now than ever before. There are days that I walk around the house and show Nolan all of Wyatt's belongings. I explain to him that his big brother is now his angel and that he will forever look over him. I find Nolan starring at Wyatt's urn on occasion while he is trying to fall asleep and I can do nothing but wonder. Wonder what it would have been like for the two of them to have grown up together, wonder what Nolan is thinking or if he sees something, and wonder if Wyatt his really here with us.
After our family event last night, I came home and changed into pjs. Upon changing, I found a feather attached to my bra on the inside of my shirt. I immediately thought, "and we took his monkey, yet he was with me all along." I still find some of the signs so amazing. Just when I needed one the most, he made sure he was there and present.
So like last, this year Christmas is tough as it will be for years to come. It hurts when you celebrate the holiday as a family and you have one missing. What hurts the most is knowing they will never be there to celebrate with you, they will never be in family pictures, never be there to create special memories, and they will never be there to watch grow up. What gets me through is knowing he is free from pain, looking down from Heaven, and forever watching over us.
So this season at Christmas, I have made up my mind to be merry and happy for I have to remember that he is here with us and he will forever be.
We love you Wyatt James, we love you every single day!!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Life's Recipe Calls for Lemons
So, I have been thinking. This month was a tough month as I found myself thinking a lot about the could have beens, the what ifs, and the whys of everything that happened. I think it had to do with the fact that this time last year I spent a lot of my days watching the leaves turn and wondering if this was the beauty that my angel was seeing in Heaven.
Summer had always been my favorite season. I just enjoyed spending time by the pool, going to the beach, and having long days to spend with family and friends. Last year, that all ended. I now can't stand summer. It brings with it too many bad memories. Instead, I find myself enjoying Fall this year. Though last year was tough, recalling the fact that I enjoyed watching God paint the canvas of the Earth is something that I appreciate. I am doing the same again this year, enjoying watching the artwork take place.
On Sunday, I took Nolan for a walk down our street and while walking I noticed the crisp air, changing colors of the leaves, the pastures and fields as the animals roamed, and the bright blue sky. It was a beautiful and picture perfect day and for many, nothing could be better. However, that was not the case for me. Though it was a picture perfect day, and Nolan and I were enjoying our time together on our walk, my picture was missing something. As I pushed my son in his stroller, I found myself looking to the sky for my angel. It's days like this that remind me that I am blessed to have held my angel but that I would have given everything to have saved him.
I continued to walk down our street and as I neared the bottom of the hill and started to turn around, I thought of a quote that many people are familiar with. "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." I chuckled a bit, continued to walk, and I thought to myself, "yea, if only!" and the quote was banished from my mind. Here I sit today thinking about that quote again, why, I really haven't a clue. When I thought of it today, I immediately thought, "you know what, screw the lemons!!!" That is when a different quote came to mind. It was a quote from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now this quote, this one is perfect (well, perfect on the surface)... It goes like this, "When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail."
Hahaha... On the surface this quote says so much. Yes, life can suck and sometimes you just have to deal with it or just walk away from the issue. However, the more I think about it, the more it makes me say "hmmm". How can you bail on life? I have known a few who have bailed on their families, friends, problems and issues. But honestly where did it get them? No where! When you say 'Fuck the lemons', what are you really saying? You know, I think I was handed several pounds of lemons last year, but never once did I say 'Fuck the lemons'. Nope, I took my lemons and cherished them. For whatever reason, it was thought that I could handle the lemons that were sent to me in bulk (yes, like buying from BJ's, BULK). I didn't make lemonade from them either. No, I held onto my lemons, added in some limes and a few oranges and by doing so I made new friends, was able to understand the meaning of life, and I learned to appreciate things more in the process.
Whether it's lemons or problems, we all have them. Some are bigger than others, some are more painful than others, but in the end they all change our lives and we can't change them. So, when life hands you lemons suck out all of the vitamin c and yell, "Eat that Life!" (I found this quote on the Internet today!!! Love it!) If it wasn't for the lemons I received last year, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have an angel that I was able to hold and a little boy that I love dearly. I have friends all over the world who have experienced the same things I have and who continue to be tremendous support. And most importantly, when Life's recipe calls for lemons, I know how to use them.
Summer had always been my favorite season. I just enjoyed spending time by the pool, going to the beach, and having long days to spend with family and friends. Last year, that all ended. I now can't stand summer. It brings with it too many bad memories. Instead, I find myself enjoying Fall this year. Though last year was tough, recalling the fact that I enjoyed watching God paint the canvas of the Earth is something that I appreciate. I am doing the same again this year, enjoying watching the artwork take place.
On Sunday, I took Nolan for a walk down our street and while walking I noticed the crisp air, changing colors of the leaves, the pastures and fields as the animals roamed, and the bright blue sky. It was a beautiful and picture perfect day and for many, nothing could be better. However, that was not the case for me. Though it was a picture perfect day, and Nolan and I were enjoying our time together on our walk, my picture was missing something. As I pushed my son in his stroller, I found myself looking to the sky for my angel. It's days like this that remind me that I am blessed to have held my angel but that I would have given everything to have saved him.
I continued to walk down our street and as I neared the bottom of the hill and started to turn around, I thought of a quote that many people are familiar with. "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." I chuckled a bit, continued to walk, and I thought to myself, "yea, if only!" and the quote was banished from my mind. Here I sit today thinking about that quote again, why, I really haven't a clue. When I thought of it today, I immediately thought, "you know what, screw the lemons!!!" That is when a different quote came to mind. It was a quote from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now this quote, this one is perfect (well, perfect on the surface)... It goes like this, "When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail."
Hahaha... On the surface this quote says so much. Yes, life can suck and sometimes you just have to deal with it or just walk away from the issue. However, the more I think about it, the more it makes me say "hmmm". How can you bail on life? I have known a few who have bailed on their families, friends, problems and issues. But honestly where did it get them? No where! When you say 'Fuck the lemons', what are you really saying? You know, I think I was handed several pounds of lemons last year, but never once did I say 'Fuck the lemons'. Nope, I took my lemons and cherished them. For whatever reason, it was thought that I could handle the lemons that were sent to me in bulk (yes, like buying from BJ's, BULK). I didn't make lemonade from them either. No, I held onto my lemons, added in some limes and a few oranges and by doing so I made new friends, was able to understand the meaning of life, and I learned to appreciate things more in the process.
Whether it's lemons or problems, we all have them. Some are bigger than others, some are more painful than others, but in the end they all change our lives and we can't change them. So, when life hands you lemons suck out all of the vitamin c and yell, "Eat that Life!" (I found this quote on the Internet today!!! Love it!) If it wasn't for the lemons I received last year, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have an angel that I was able to hold and a little boy that I love dearly. I have friends all over the world who have experienced the same things I have and who continue to be tremendous support. And most importantly, when Life's recipe calls for lemons, I know how to use them.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Angel in the Sky
Today marks sixteen months since I delivered our angel into the world and it still feels like yesterday. Last night I received two signs, both when clocks said 11:11. I miss our little Wyatt so very much and the pain is still there. Every milestone with Nolan reminds me more of the time we never had with Wyatt.
I found this today and loved it:
Happy 16 month angelversary baby boy. We love you!!
I found this today and loved it:
Happy 16 month angelversary baby boy. We love you!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Blue Butterfly
Sometimes the things that touch your heart aren't worth a million dollars.
I am an avid Ebay shopper and I recently found something that would mean the world to me to wear. With the holidays around the corner and trying to cut back on our spending, Ebay is the best place to shop but the worst at the same time. There are so many wonderful items on there that sometimes I cave.
I caved this time. One, because the price was $1.00 with free shipping and two, because when you see what this is you will fully understand.
Remember back to last year. Remember the post of the sign I received from Wyatt, yes, I know there were so many. But the one with the butterfly, do you remember? Well, what color was that butterfly? Yes, blue. Since then, any time I see a blue butterfly my heart gets all mushy as I am quickly reminded of my Wyatt.
Well, talk about a fitting piece. It isn't anything expensive. To be honest, it isn't even silver. I didn't care. I placed my bid and in a short three hours I learned that I had won the piece. It arrived in the mail yesterday. I carefully opened the package, pulled it out, and was amazed at its beauty. I absolutely love it.
I am an avid Ebay shopper and I recently found something that would mean the world to me to wear. With the holidays around the corner and trying to cut back on our spending, Ebay is the best place to shop but the worst at the same time. There are so many wonderful items on there that sometimes I cave.
I caved this time. One, because the price was $1.00 with free shipping and two, because when you see what this is you will fully understand.
Remember back to last year. Remember the post of the sign I received from Wyatt, yes, I know there were so many. But the one with the butterfly, do you remember? Well, what color was that butterfly? Yes, blue. Since then, any time I see a blue butterfly my heart gets all mushy as I am quickly reminded of my Wyatt.
Well, talk about a fitting piece. It isn't anything expensive. To be honest, it isn't even silver. I didn't care. I placed my bid and in a short three hours I learned that I had won the piece. It arrived in the mail yesterday. I carefully opened the package, pulled it out, and was amazed at its beauty. I absolutely love it.
Beautiful isn't it?
With fall approaching and winter soon to come, my heart sinks as I realize that the beauty of nature will soon be hidden by the darkness of the new seasons. Soon my reminders will not be seen until the warmer days return. My blue butterfly will flutter no more in the garden for the seasons will hide the flowers. But my reminder can now forever be worn near the very place my son lives, in my heart.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
For the Lord
Brian and I recently became members of the church which I attended when I was growing up. Since becoming members we have attended weekly, minus the weekend of hurricane Irene. I used to hate going to church as I felt that I couldn't understand what was being said.
Since losing Wyatt, going to church makes so much sense now. The words spoken bring peace to my heart. Reading along in the book with each reading allows me to take in every word and make sense of it, relate it to me.
Today's readings were touching, as always, but one really stood out. It was Romans 14:7-9.
It said this:
This touched me as I thought of my dear boy Wyatt. I listened to the reading, read it once to myself, and then read it again. At that moment, peace came over me as I realized what it was saying.
My baby boy, my little Wyatt belongs to the Lord. It didn't matter if he lived or died, he still belongs to the Lord. So why was I so selfish to ask him to live while suffering? Because I thought wrong. I thought the way one would if they were living for themselves alone, thinking only of themselves. Today it was brought to my attention that we all live and die for the Lord.
Wyatt lived briefly, touched many, and returned home to the Lord through death. Although returned through death, he is not suffering. He is free from hurt and pain.
As I sit here and type this another mother is having to prepare to say goodbye to her precious child. This child is fighting to stay alive to live with his parents for another moment. Sadly, this child was given a short life expectancy. Born only three days ago, this child may soon have to return home to the Lord. It breaks my heart to know that this family will suffer another loss of a child. Yes, another as they already lost one.
It's times like this when I question EVERYTHING. Yes, I know, I have to remember what the reading says.
Since losing Wyatt, going to church makes so much sense now. The words spoken bring peace to my heart. Reading along in the book with each reading allows me to take in every word and make sense of it, relate it to me.
Today's readings were touching, as always, but one really stood out. It was Romans 14:7-9.
It said this:
7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. 9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
This touched me as I thought of my dear boy Wyatt. I listened to the reading, read it once to myself, and then read it again. At that moment, peace came over me as I realized what it was saying.
My baby boy, my little Wyatt belongs to the Lord. It didn't matter if he lived or died, he still belongs to the Lord. So why was I so selfish to ask him to live while suffering? Because I thought wrong. I thought the way one would if they were living for themselves alone, thinking only of themselves. Today it was brought to my attention that we all live and die for the Lord.
Wyatt lived briefly, touched many, and returned home to the Lord through death. Although returned through death, he is not suffering. He is free from hurt and pain.
As I sit here and type this another mother is having to prepare to say goodbye to her precious child. This child is fighting to stay alive to live with his parents for another moment. Sadly, this child was given a short life expectancy. Born only three days ago, this child may soon have to return home to the Lord. It breaks my heart to know that this family will suffer another loss of a child. Yes, another as they already lost one.
It's times like this when I question EVERYTHING. Yes, I know, I have to remember what the reading says.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Forever in Our Hearts
Fifteen months ago I delivered an angel and my life changed forever.
Never would I have pictured my life like this, one son here with me and the other with God.
Numb is the only way to describe how it feels most days.
Just because our miracle arrived doesn't make our loss any easier.
He is gone and he will never be back. If you have never lost a child just imagine. Yes, it hurts like hell!
Fifteen months ago an angel came into my life and taught me more than he will ever know.
Life was changed forever and so quickly we realized it would never be the same.
Time has flown by yet remained stagnant at the same time. Is that even possible?
Signs from above are all we receive now. No smiles or kisses from our angel we love.
We feel that one day we will see him again, but seems that day is very far away.
Fifteen months ago I was holding an angel in my arms.
Today all we can do is hold him forever in our hearts.
Never would I have pictured my life like this, one son here with me and the other with God.
Numb is the only way to describe how it feels most days.
Just because our miracle arrived doesn't make our loss any easier.
He is gone and he will never be back. If you have never lost a child just imagine. Yes, it hurts like hell!
Fifteen months ago an angel came into my life and taught me more than he will ever know.
Life was changed forever and so quickly we realized it would never be the same.
Time has flown by yet remained stagnant at the same time. Is that even possible?
Signs from above are all we receive now. No smiles or kisses from our angel we love.
We feel that one day we will see him again, but seems that day is very far away.
Fifteen months ago I was holding an angel in my arms.
Today all we can do is hold him forever in our hearts.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Maybe
It's just around the corner and yet here I was today putting a few photos away and keeping only the best ones out for friends and family to view. I am not trying to put things away to forget him but the reality is he now has a little brother. Even if he was here, certain things would have to be put away to allow room for his brother's things. No, I am not saying that his brother is taking his place. That is something that will NEVER happen. What I am trying to say is my house is only so big and it's not like I can hang pictures from the ceiling.
Around the corner is another milestone. These milestones come every single month. In a matter of one day, yes tomorrow, it will be 15 months since he was alive. In three days it will be 15 months since we held him for the first time. And in four days it will be 15 months since we said our final goodbyes. This milestone is hitting hard mainly because his brother is here and I am realizing everything we have missed with him. It's hard because I am home and have time to think about things. It is even harder because I now know that my boys will never be able to play or grow up together.
Someone reached out to me the other day and told me I was a strong person and that I had made it through one tough storm. I don't consider myself strong, not by any means. I consider myself making it through each day and playing the cards I have been dealt. It's basically like settling or bargaining with God, though if you understand the power of God you know you can't settle or bargain. This is the path that was chosen for me and for Brian. I am not sure why and I may never know. A strong person wouldn't have allowed themselves to hurt and doubt the way things happened. A strong person would have trusted in the way of this life. No, I am not strong, I am simply making it through each day.
Each day I struggle with the fact that I only have one of my two sons here with me. I think about the families out there who have all of their children on Earth with them. I think about how they get to watch each child grow and play. They can see similarities and differences within their children. These families so often take the small things for granted. For example, I was walking into the grocery store last night and while walking through the parking lot I was shocked. A mother was disciplining her child but she grabbed the little girl by her face with force and started screaming. I am not one to say how other parents should discipline however, there are others ways to discipline which don't require hurt or pain to the child. Do these parents not understand that life is very VERY short. What if that moment was the last moment they had to spend with their child? Would they still yell and scream and use force to discipline?
The milestone is near, the 15 month milestone. I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about the past 15 months and even the months before them. I continue to shake my head in the disbelief of my life. I never pictured my life to turn out the way it has. I think often of writing a book about the story of my life. I think it would be interesting, encouraging, heart-wrenching, but yet powerful at the same time. I then find myself wondering if anyone would read the book, would they believe it, or would it be classified as fiction?
Maybe one day the events that occurred in my life will make it to paper. Maybe one day my dream of owning my own boutique will come true. Maybe one day our family will be together as one. Maybe... it's like that movie title, how does it go? Definitely, Maybe. I can't be certain, therefore it definitely must be maybe.
Around the corner is another milestone. These milestones come every single month. In a matter of one day, yes tomorrow, it will be 15 months since he was alive. In three days it will be 15 months since we held him for the first time. And in four days it will be 15 months since we said our final goodbyes. This milestone is hitting hard mainly because his brother is here and I am realizing everything we have missed with him. It's hard because I am home and have time to think about things. It is even harder because I now know that my boys will never be able to play or grow up together.
Someone reached out to me the other day and told me I was a strong person and that I had made it through one tough storm. I don't consider myself strong, not by any means. I consider myself making it through each day and playing the cards I have been dealt. It's basically like settling or bargaining with God, though if you understand the power of God you know you can't settle or bargain. This is the path that was chosen for me and for Brian. I am not sure why and I may never know. A strong person wouldn't have allowed themselves to hurt and doubt the way things happened. A strong person would have trusted in the way of this life. No, I am not strong, I am simply making it through each day.
Each day I struggle with the fact that I only have one of my two sons here with me. I think about the families out there who have all of their children on Earth with them. I think about how they get to watch each child grow and play. They can see similarities and differences within their children. These families so often take the small things for granted. For example, I was walking into the grocery store last night and while walking through the parking lot I was shocked. A mother was disciplining her child but she grabbed the little girl by her face with force and started screaming. I am not one to say how other parents should discipline however, there are others ways to discipline which don't require hurt or pain to the child. Do these parents not understand that life is very VERY short. What if that moment was the last moment they had to spend with their child? Would they still yell and scream and use force to discipline?
The milestone is near, the 15 month milestone. I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about the past 15 months and even the months before them. I continue to shake my head in the disbelief of my life. I never pictured my life to turn out the way it has. I think often of writing a book about the story of my life. I think it would be interesting, encouraging, heart-wrenching, but yet powerful at the same time. I then find myself wondering if anyone would read the book, would they believe it, or would it be classified as fiction?
Maybe one day the events that occurred in my life will make it to paper. Maybe one day my dream of owning my own boutique will come true. Maybe one day our family will be together as one. Maybe... it's like that movie title, how does it go? Definitely, Maybe. I can't be certain, therefore it definitely must be maybe.
“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” ~ unknown
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Reality
I sit and look at your pictures as I feed your brother and it makes my heart hurt ache. I see you in him with each of his facial expressions. I think about what you would have been like at this age. I wonder what you would have looked like now. I often find myself imagining what it would be like to have a one year old and your brother at the same time.
I know that you are where you are safe and free from pain. I know that you can't come back to us. But there are so many times over the past few weeks where I find myself believing that you are still just gone for a little bit, like you will return to us soon. Then reality sets back in and I realize I am wrong.
Oh Wyatt, why did it have to be like this. I miss you so much. I find myself standing in front of your urn several times a weeks with your brother. When he laughs in his sleep I wonder if he is dreaming of you. When he looks past me and seems amused I wonder if you sees you.
I wish that you and your brother would have grown up together. I wish that you could have played together and acted like brothers do. Instead, I ask that you watch over your brother and that you show your brother (when the time is right) that you are there. One day your brother will know and understand everything about you.
I know that you are where you are safe and free from pain. I know that you can't come back to us. But there are so many times over the past few weeks where I find myself believing that you are still just gone for a little bit, like you will return to us soon. Then reality sets back in and I realize I am wrong.
Oh Wyatt, why did it have to be like this. I miss you so much. I find myself standing in front of your urn several times a weeks with your brother. When he laughs in his sleep I wonder if he is dreaming of you. When he looks past me and seems amused I wonder if you sees you.
I wish that you and your brother would have grown up together. I wish that you could have played together and acted like brothers do. Instead, I ask that you watch over your brother and that you show your brother (when the time is right) that you are there. One day your brother will know and understand everything about you.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Walk at the Park
Over the past few days the signs have been every where.
Dragonflies in numbers by our pool. My blue butterfly finally returned. Butterflies during our first trip to the park. And a special dragonfly at the park yesterday.
I noticed this special dragonfly on our second lap around the park. It caught me by surprise at first but when I realized what it was I was happy. I looked up while walking the path and noticed the dragonfly soaring above. I continued to walk down the path but ensured I kept tabs on our little visitor. After walking another minute or so, I realized the dragonfly was following us. It was hovering above and flying in the same direction we were walking. As I turned with the park's path, the dragonfly turned too. It was so awesome.
He was there. He decided the join us for a walk at the park yesterday. Some of you may think I am crazy, but I know deep in my heart that my Wyatt was there with his mommy and his little brother. Funny thing is, Nolan was wearing his little brother outfit, fitting since his big brother was there with us on our walk.
Dragonflies in numbers by our pool. My blue butterfly finally returned. Butterflies during our first trip to the park. And a special dragonfly at the park yesterday.
I noticed this special dragonfly on our second lap around the park. It caught me by surprise at first but when I realized what it was I was happy. I looked up while walking the path and noticed the dragonfly soaring above. I continued to walk down the path but ensured I kept tabs on our little visitor. After walking another minute or so, I realized the dragonfly was following us. It was hovering above and flying in the same direction we were walking. As I turned with the park's path, the dragonfly turned too. It was so awesome.
He was there. He decided the join us for a walk at the park yesterday. Some of you may think I am crazy, but I know deep in my heart that my Wyatt was there with his mommy and his little brother. Funny thing is, Nolan was wearing his little brother outfit, fitting since his big brother was there with us on our walk.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
He's Here!!!
Your baby brother is here, Wyatt. It was a tough delivery but he is here. It is so amazing just how much he looks like you. You two have all the same features, the cute little chin, chubby cheeks, a button nose, Mommy's wide set eyes, and Daddy's lips.
Delivery was hard, as Nolan decided he was going to turn sideways and not move. After many hours we had to do a c-section.
Your baby brother was born on 7/26 at 1:38a.
Here he is:
Delivery was hard, as Nolan decided he was going to turn sideways and not move. After many hours we had to do a c-section.
Your baby brother was born on 7/26 at 1:38a.
Here he is:
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Big Brother
So many emotions have been running through my body over the past month. Now the time is near, within 24 hours, Wyatt, you are going to be a big brother. Well, you already are, but he is arriving either tomorrow or Tuesday. I can't believe it. What a gift you have given to your Daddy and I.
So many emotions because this brings back the memories of your delivery just one year ago. It brings back the words of the doctors and the very short time that we were able to spend together. I makes me realize just how much we have missed out on, though I know that you there looking down and at times I feel you beside me.
Can you believe it, baby boy? You are a big brother. You are and will always be our first son, our precious angel, our golden egg. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever take that away!
In about 24 hours, Mommy is going to be put on Pitocin to help baby Nolan arrive sooner. We are hoping it happens quick, but within 24-48 hours your little brother will be here. I am sure you are more aware of his arrival than we are.
We pray that he is perfect and that you will watch over him to ensure all is okay. Mommy and Daddy plan to tell him all about you, throughout his life. We know that you will be there, we know that you wouldn't miss this, as he was your gift to us.
We love you Wyatt and we miss you more and more every day. We wish you could be here to be with us and your new little brother. Mommy still hasn't figured out the reason why, but for some reason, God decided our lives had to be this way. I am sure you know the answer and Mommy will figure it out before she comes to be with you. But for now, please promise Mommy that you will never leave our sides, you will be there looking over us forever, and that you will be the best big brother ever. In return, Mommy promises to cherish your gift, love you forever, keep your memory alive, and be with you when God says the time is right.
We love you baby boy and we miss you very very much.
So many emotions because this brings back the memories of your delivery just one year ago. It brings back the words of the doctors and the very short time that we were able to spend together. I makes me realize just how much we have missed out on, though I know that you there looking down and at times I feel you beside me.
Can you believe it, baby boy? You are a big brother. You are and will always be our first son, our precious angel, our golden egg. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever take that away!
In about 24 hours, Mommy is going to be put on Pitocin to help baby Nolan arrive sooner. We are hoping it happens quick, but within 24-48 hours your little brother will be here. I am sure you are more aware of his arrival than we are.
We pray that he is perfect and that you will watch over him to ensure all is okay. Mommy and Daddy plan to tell him all about you, throughout his life. We know that you will be there, we know that you wouldn't miss this, as he was your gift to us.
We love you Wyatt and we miss you more and more every day. We wish you could be here to be with us and your new little brother. Mommy still hasn't figured out the reason why, but for some reason, God decided our lives had to be this way. I am sure you know the answer and Mommy will figure it out before she comes to be with you. But for now, please promise Mommy that you will never leave our sides, you will be there looking over us forever, and that you will be the best big brother ever. In return, Mommy promises to cherish your gift, love you forever, keep your memory alive, and be with you when God says the time is right.
We love you baby boy and we miss you very very much.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What Could Have Beens
It's been a while since I blogged here, but that is mainly because I have been super busy with hospital trips for these kidney stones. This weekend marked the third trip to the hospital which resulted in three days of stay there in labor and delivery.
Wyatt's pregnancy was cake compared to everything that has gone on during this pregnancy. Though carrying Wyatt was difficult, due to the amount of fluid that cause discomfort, these stones with this pregnancy are giving me a run for my money.
Over the past few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what delivery for this pregnancy is going to be like. Wyatt's delivery was so unreal. I was pushing and telling the doctors when the contractions would come before they would even show up on the monitor. I remember watching Brian's face as our first son was delivered and held by the doctors. His face went from happy to immediate sadness. That's what happens when you realize that what the doctors had been saying was real, our son was no longer alive.
I continue to think about Nolan's delivery and how much happiness will fill the room when we hear his cry. But then I think of the sadness that will be present as well as we remember the delivery of our little Wyatt.
I have come to grips with the fact, that there are going to be a lot of happy times that turn sad in the next few weeks. Not because we aren't happy but because of reminders of what could have been with our first son, Wyatt. There will be smiles, giggles, laughter, and cheers. But behind all of them there will be heartache, cries, and tears. I am aware of this though I am not prepare for it.
There are times over the past few weeks when I find myself thinking that I may not be able to take home a baby this time either. It must be something that many BLMs feel at least once as they get closer to delivery. I have felt it several times and it takes my breath away. I try to tell myself that everything is going to be perfect with Nolan and that he will be coming home with us, but it isn't always that easy.
I am ready to meet my second son, our little Nolan. I am ready to bring home a baby and watch him grow. I am ready for the cries and the smiles. I am ready for the diapers and the bottles. But I am not ready to have my heart broken in a million pieces once again, as we realize the "what could have beens".
Wyatt's pregnancy was cake compared to everything that has gone on during this pregnancy. Though carrying Wyatt was difficult, due to the amount of fluid that cause discomfort, these stones with this pregnancy are giving me a run for my money.
Over the past few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what delivery for this pregnancy is going to be like. Wyatt's delivery was so unreal. I was pushing and telling the doctors when the contractions would come before they would even show up on the monitor. I remember watching Brian's face as our first son was delivered and held by the doctors. His face went from happy to immediate sadness. That's what happens when you realize that what the doctors had been saying was real, our son was no longer alive.
I continue to think about Nolan's delivery and how much happiness will fill the room when we hear his cry. But then I think of the sadness that will be present as well as we remember the delivery of our little Wyatt.
I have come to grips with the fact, that there are going to be a lot of happy times that turn sad in the next few weeks. Not because we aren't happy but because of reminders of what could have been with our first son, Wyatt. There will be smiles, giggles, laughter, and cheers. But behind all of them there will be heartache, cries, and tears. I am aware of this though I am not prepare for it.
There are times over the past few weeks when I find myself thinking that I may not be able to take home a baby this time either. It must be something that many BLMs feel at least once as they get closer to delivery. I have felt it several times and it takes my breath away. I try to tell myself that everything is going to be perfect with Nolan and that he will be coming home with us, but it isn't always that easy.
I am ready to meet my second son, our little Nolan. I am ready to bring home a baby and watch him grow. I am ready for the cries and the smiles. I am ready for the diapers and the bottles. But I am not ready to have my heart broken in a million pieces once again, as we realize the "what could have beens".
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Oh Dragonfly, My Dragonfly!
Over the past few days, I have seen a few dragonflies, something I never saw much of last year. The only one I saw last year was amazing though. It was laying on the carpet outside and even let me touch it several times. I honestly thought it was dead, but after going back outside to look at it again, it was gone.
As I said before, I have seen several dragonflies over the past few days though. It's amazing. They come and get close to my face, fly in place for a few seconds, and then fly up to the sky. Today, while standing by our pool with my mom and niece, one came flying by. It took me off guard at first, but then I stood to watch it.
Most of the ones I have seen have green in them, the one today was solid black. I thought to myself for a moment, said a prayer for Wyatt, told him I loved him, and then the dragonfly flew off. "Oh dragonfly, my dragonfly, come back", I wanted to yell.
Many people don't believe in signs from those who have left us, but me, I do. These dragonflies, butterflies, and other things that are presented to me have a way about them. They don't just fly by, they make sure they make their presence known.
Yesterday marked 13 months since the day Wyatt entered the world. 13 months, how the heck did that happen? Today I received a sign from him, and I know it was his way of telling me he is safe and watching over us.
We love you little boy and oh how we wish you could come back to us.
As I said before, I have seen several dragonflies over the past few days though. It's amazing. They come and get close to my face, fly in place for a few seconds, and then fly up to the sky. Today, while standing by our pool with my mom and niece, one came flying by. It took me off guard at first, but then I stood to watch it.
Most of the ones I have seen have green in them, the one today was solid black. I thought to myself for a moment, said a prayer for Wyatt, told him I loved him, and then the dragonfly flew off. "Oh dragonfly, my dragonfly, come back", I wanted to yell.
Many people don't believe in signs from those who have left us, but me, I do. These dragonflies, butterflies, and other things that are presented to me have a way about them. They don't just fly by, they make sure they make their presence known.
Yesterday marked 13 months since the day Wyatt entered the world. 13 months, how the heck did that happen? Today I received a sign from him, and I know it was his way of telling me he is safe and watching over us.
We love you little boy and oh how we wish you could come back to us.
Monday, June 27, 2011
When the Time is Right
These days, I have spent a lot of time talking to Wyatt. I have been sick with kidney stones since 6/6 (yes, mine and Wyatt's birthday). Since then, I have been dealing with a tube and then a kidney infection. The tube has to stay in until two weeks after Nolan arrives. So, I've been talking to Wyatt and asking for him to ensure I stay strong during this ordeal. I know looking back, I will some day laugh at the fact that this pregnancy couldn't be easy either, but that laughing will not occur anytime soon.
In talking with Wyatt, I have realized how much I have grown. I can look at photos and not sob for hours. I can talk to him and not have tears dripping down my face. I feel as though when I talk with him now, he is right there listening, like he is looking down over me. I didn't feel like this last year.
Last year I felt as though Wyatt was forever away from me. We were miles and miles apart and that nothing would ever reunite us again. Over the past few weeks, I feel as though he is right beside me. There are times I feel that he is sitting beside me, with his little head turned, and looking at me. I have even had a few dreams in the past week or so which have caused me to believe that he is actually here. It's strange I know, but it is true.
I saw him the other night, or I think it was him, in a dream. The image hasn't left my mind. A cute little boy, with light brown hair and big brown eyes. He was smiling back at me with only a few teeth. I don't remember much of the other details about him, but I know that it was him.
I wonder if this is because we are getting close to Nolan's due date? Or if it is a sign telling me that Wyatt is okay? I imagine whatever it is, I am only meant to know what I believe I know now, that Wyatt is safe, happy, and free from pain.
Many times when I begin to talk to Wyatt I feel that my conversations are going to be one sided. However, I have come to realize that he is there ready to talk back. But only when the time is right.
In talking with Wyatt, I have realized how much I have grown. I can look at photos and not sob for hours. I can talk to him and not have tears dripping down my face. I feel as though when I talk with him now, he is right there listening, like he is looking down over me. I didn't feel like this last year.
Last year I felt as though Wyatt was forever away from me. We were miles and miles apart and that nothing would ever reunite us again. Over the past few weeks, I feel as though he is right beside me. There are times I feel that he is sitting beside me, with his little head turned, and looking at me. I have even had a few dreams in the past week or so which have caused me to believe that he is actually here. It's strange I know, but it is true.
I saw him the other night, or I think it was him, in a dream. The image hasn't left my mind. A cute little boy, with light brown hair and big brown eyes. He was smiling back at me with only a few teeth. I don't remember much of the other details about him, but I know that it was him.
I wonder if this is because we are getting close to Nolan's due date? Or if it is a sign telling me that Wyatt is okay? I imagine whatever it is, I am only meant to know what I believe I know now, that Wyatt is safe, happy, and free from pain.
Many times when I begin to talk to Wyatt I feel that my conversations are going to be one sided. However, I have come to realize that he is there ready to talk back. But only when the time is right.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
"Don't Cry for Me Daddy"
Today is Father's Day, a special day when father's are honored for being wonderful role models to their children. But what happens if your first born is in Heaven and your second isn't here yet?
Well, you still celebrate, because you are still a wonderful father. You are the one that he looks to from up above and the one he sends his signs to. You are his father and you always will be. You will be the father he looks for when you enter Heaven.
Yes, today is Father's Day. A reminder for BLDs that their child is not with them here on Earth. Though today will be hard, my plan is to make Brian's Father's Day enjoyable. He will received the dog tag that was made for him that has Wyatt's picture and message from Wyatt to his Daddy on it. Afterwards, we are heading to Brian's families house for dinner.
This day last year, Brian received a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it. It was his first ever Father's Day and it was only a few short days after we lost our little Wyatt. Talk about hard, it couldn't have gotten much harder. This year the pain is still there, but we have learned to cope with it just a bit. This year we also have another little one on the way, making Brian a Daddy times two!
I had a Father's Day card made for Brian this year, because Hallmark doesn't make one for a father whose child is in Heaven. The card has photos of Brian and Wyatt on the front and the inside says:
Well, you still celebrate, because you are still a wonderful father. You are the one that he looks to from up above and the one he sends his signs to. You are his father and you always will be. You will be the father he looks for when you enter Heaven.
Yes, today is Father's Day. A reminder for BLDs that their child is not with them here on Earth. Though today will be hard, my plan is to make Brian's Father's Day enjoyable. He will received the dog tag that was made for him that has Wyatt's picture and message from Wyatt to his Daddy on it. Afterwards, we are heading to Brian's families house for dinner.
This day last year, Brian received a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it. It was his first ever Father's Day and it was only a few short days after we lost our little Wyatt. Talk about hard, it couldn't have gotten much harder. This year the pain is still there, but we have learned to cope with it just a bit. This year we also have another little one on the way, making Brian a Daddy times two!
I had a Father's Day card made for Brian this year, because Hallmark doesn't make one for a father whose child is in Heaven. The card has photos of Brian and Wyatt on the front and the inside says:
Don't Cry for Me Daddy
Don't cry for me Daddy, I'm right here.
Although you can't see me, I see your tears.
I visit you often, I go to work with you each day,
And when it's time for you to close your eyes, on your pillow is where I lay.
I hold your hand and stroke your hair, and whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today Daddy, remember, I am here.
Good took me home. This we know it true.
But you'll always be My Daddy even though I'm not with you.
We will never be apart, for every time you think of me,
Please know I'm in your Heart.
Beautiful, isn't it? I think this is the best poem I have found for a father to date.
Wishing all fathers, especially BLDs, a very Happy Father's Day.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Little Stones That Cause Much Pain
I haven't been posting lately here, as I have been laid up with kidney stones since June 6th. Yep, another horrible June 6th, not as bad as last year though.
I took off work this year on June 6th thinking it would be best so I wasn't in a place of professionalism when I couldn't be professional at all. I knew that Wyatt's birthday would be tough, he would have been one. Not only is June 6th Wyatt's birthday, but it is my birthday also. We are almost exactly 30 years apart down to the minute. So, to ensure that I made this June 6th a bit better, I decided to take off and go shopping with my Mom.
After having some minor irritation in the morning and calling the doctor, it was confirmed there was nothing to worry about, so off we went... shopping. I spent every last penny of my birthday money on cute maternity clothes for work and a bathing suit. Upon my return home, well to my Mom's, things were still going well.
Then it happened..... 7:15pm! Ouch! The pain was back and it was worse than ever. KIDNEY STONES.
Brian took me to the ER and I was admitted after only a few hours. The lady at the desk asked my name. I gave it. She then said, "Your birthday is..." and look at me. I acknowledged her by saying, "Yep, today." She asked, "Is this your first pregnancy?" I responded with, "No, we lost and delivered our first one year ago today." The pain was unbearable. Between the pain of the stones and getting sick from the pain, I was in for it. The doctors decided it was best to place a nephrostomy tube for the remainder of the pregnancy with Nolan, plus two weeks after the delivery.
Yep, nothing like being back in the hospital on the same day I delivered Wyatt, one year ago. Nothing like an instant reminder that life can change in a blink of an eye. And nothing like a very Happy Birthday present, little stones that cause much pain.
I took off work this year on June 6th thinking it would be best so I wasn't in a place of professionalism when I couldn't be professional at all. I knew that Wyatt's birthday would be tough, he would have been one. Not only is June 6th Wyatt's birthday, but it is my birthday also. We are almost exactly 30 years apart down to the minute. So, to ensure that I made this June 6th a bit better, I decided to take off and go shopping with my Mom.
After having some minor irritation in the morning and calling the doctor, it was confirmed there was nothing to worry about, so off we went... shopping. I spent every last penny of my birthday money on cute maternity clothes for work and a bathing suit. Upon my return home, well to my Mom's, things were still going well.
Then it happened..... 7:15pm! Ouch! The pain was back and it was worse than ever. KIDNEY STONES.
Brian took me to the ER and I was admitted after only a few hours. The lady at the desk asked my name. I gave it. She then said, "Your birthday is..." and look at me. I acknowledged her by saying, "Yep, today." She asked, "Is this your first pregnancy?" I responded with, "No, we lost and delivered our first one year ago today." The pain was unbearable. Between the pain of the stones and getting sick from the pain, I was in for it. The doctors decided it was best to place a nephrostomy tube for the remainder of the pregnancy with Nolan, plus two weeks after the delivery.
Yep, nothing like being back in the hospital on the same day I delivered Wyatt, one year ago. Nothing like an instant reminder that life can change in a blink of an eye. And nothing like a very Happy Birthday present, little stones that cause much pain.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wyatt's First Birthday
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
~ Abraham Lincoln
Wyatt's first birthday party was wonderful. The monkey theme was a huge success and the food was great. The kids enjoyed their favors, the moon bounce, and the swing set. Although it went from sunny to cloudy just before the party, the majority of the rain held off until after everyone left. This was amazing since it seems to rain for everything we do for Wyatt. As I have said before, "Angel Tears!"
Because of the cloudy skies, which might I say were not in the forecast, I decided it would be best to decorate inside only. I wanted to ensure that Wyatt's shadow box, the one Brian built, was the center of the party. I quickly came up with the idea to place a small shelf/table under it and made it Wyatt's memorial table.
Since Wyatt couldn't be here with us to open gifts, I decided it would be fitting to buy him a new monkey to match his party theme.
Several weeks back, I saw a cute banner on the Internet and wanted to try to make something like it for Wyatt's party. I spent hours cutting out circles and making the banner perfect. The plan was to hang the banner outside by the pool, however the pool wasn't clear for the party and it looked like it was going to rain. So, we decided to hang the banner above the food table. I think it looked wonderful.
I wanted something to include Wyatt's name, something that everyone would see. I decided to make jars, three of them, to display each of Wyatt's names, Wyatt James McGrory. After thinking of what the jars could be used for, my favorite choice was utensil holders, as everyone would need a fork. I received a lot of positive feedback on these jars at the party. Even my sister said that we should go into the jar making business.
Soon after Wyatt's passing, I decided to make a video for him. I spent a lot of time working on the video while I was on maternity leave, but I never finished it. The pain was still too fresh. Last week, I decided it was time to complete the video, as I had promised myself it would be finished by his first birthday. I added the finishing touches and had it ready to go for the party. It was displayed on the table with the food for all to watch.
A few of the girls all gathered together to watch the video.
Even a monkey was there to take part in viewing the video. I purchased several of these cute inflatable monkeys to display. The kids enjoyed them.
A party's not a party without cake or cupcakes. We decided on cupcakes and I had known since May how I wanted to make them. I found the cutest photo of monkey cupcakes on the Internet. I saved the photo and replicated them. These little guys were a hit with the kids and many of the adults.
And of course.... can't forget the party favors. I wanted something simple but cute. I found a perfect monkey photo with a background that matched the color scheme. I printed several of them, cut them out, glued them to cardboard and then to a lollipop stick. The sticks were then placed into a brown cup and the cup was filled with a water gun, crackers, and candy. Lastly, I made name tags for each child from scrapbook paper and cardstock, and I hang them from each cup.
I wanted to do something special for Wyatt with a party cup made just for him. It felt strange making party cups for all of the kids, but not one for Wyatt. After several hours of thinking, I came up with something unique. I decided to make Wyatt a cup but it would be filled with scrapbook papers and markers instead of snacks. I made a sign asking for family to participate in adding to Wyatt's scrapbook by writing Wyatt a message on a scrapbook square. These squares are going to add so much to Wyatt's scrapbook. I was surprised to see that all of the kids participated also.
The final item created, something that I thought would be really cute, was the Pin the Banana on the Monkey game. I found an adorable monkey, printed it out and glued it to cardstock and scrapbook paper. I typed up the words and created the game myself. Then I printed out several bananas and cut them out for the kids to use to pin on the monkey.
BUT.... the game was never played. I totally forgot about it. The party got away from me and I lost track of time. So, the game will have to wait for another party.
Brian and I decided to put up a moon bounce so the kids would have something to play on during the party. It was a huge hit. They loved it.
The last order of business was the balloon release. Each family member received one blue balloon to send up to Wyatt. I passed out a poem that I read prior to singing Happy Birthday and letting the balloons go. Singing Happy Birthday was something I debating on for several weeks, well months. But it just felt right, so we sang. We did all this surrounding Wyatt's new garden. I explained the meaning behind the garden and the laying of Wyatt's stone. It was wonderful!
Then it was time for the release. This is the hardest part each time. We finally let go....
... and we watched, as the balloons were taken above to Heaven.
We made sure that Wyatt's day was something very special. Though he couldn't be here with us, he had a wonderful party. Everyone was there, had fun, and enjoyed the fact that they were all able to celebrate a special angel's short, but sweet little life.
Happy First Birthday, Wyatt James. We love you forever and always.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Looking Up and Not Down
Today marked the big day..... June 4th the worst day ever. The day we lost our little angel, the day he passed into Heaven.
We decided to hold a memory celebration party for Wyatt today. We invited our immediate families and decided on a monkey theme. I had worked for two months to ensure that the decorations and foods would be perfect.
Brian worked very hard for weeks to ensure the yard was presentable, mulch laid, etc.
It didn't matter how much we prepared we still had so much to do this morning. We ran around all day, worked hard to prepare everything, and tried to make it perfect. I cooked and tried to clean up the house. Brian worked outside to ensure Wyatt's garden was 100% complete for the party. We were down to the wire and it was killing me. I was so sore, my stomach was stretching from little Nolan, and Brian looked beat, but we continued to push through.
At 12:28p, the exact time one year ago that a ultrasound was preformed on Wyatt and the doctors realized he had passed, I looked outside. Brian was still working on Wyatt's garden. He was adding the final touch, his memorial stone. How perfect.
Around 1:30p, I lost it for the first time. I just couldn't take any more. Between the pains in my sides, the realization that not everything was going to be completed, and the fact that we had just passed the one year mark since Wyatt left us, I was in tears. It annoyed Brian but eventually I think he understood it wasn't just because things couldn't all get done. He realized there were more to the tears.
The party began at 3:00p, and I was still making food and decorating. Thank goodness my niece had her party today also and no one arrived until closer to 4:00p.
I was strong today, I have come a long way in one year. I had two moments when I thought I was going to lose it at the party, once while watching Wyatt's video and the second during the balloon release. Otherwise, something just felt different. I honestly felt like for the first time in a while that he was there, right there with me, all day long! I felt as though he knew what I was doing and why, like he understood. It felt as though he was walking with me today, like he was right beside me looking up and not down.
PS: The next post will be more in depth on the party and will include photos!
We decided to hold a memory celebration party for Wyatt today. We invited our immediate families and decided on a monkey theme. I had worked for two months to ensure that the decorations and foods would be perfect.
Brian worked very hard for weeks to ensure the yard was presentable, mulch laid, etc.
It didn't matter how much we prepared we still had so much to do this morning. We ran around all day, worked hard to prepare everything, and tried to make it perfect. I cooked and tried to clean up the house. Brian worked outside to ensure Wyatt's garden was 100% complete for the party. We were down to the wire and it was killing me. I was so sore, my stomach was stretching from little Nolan, and Brian looked beat, but we continued to push through.
At 12:28p, the exact time one year ago that a ultrasound was preformed on Wyatt and the doctors realized he had passed, I looked outside. Brian was still working on Wyatt's garden. He was adding the final touch, his memorial stone. How perfect.
Around 1:30p, I lost it for the first time. I just couldn't take any more. Between the pains in my sides, the realization that not everything was going to be completed, and the fact that we had just passed the one year mark since Wyatt left us, I was in tears. It annoyed Brian but eventually I think he understood it wasn't just because things couldn't all get done. He realized there were more to the tears.
The party began at 3:00p, and I was still making food and decorating. Thank goodness my niece had her party today also and no one arrived until closer to 4:00p.
I was strong today, I have come a long way in one year. I had two moments when I thought I was going to lose it at the party, once while watching Wyatt's video and the second during the balloon release. Otherwise, something just felt different. I honestly felt like for the first time in a while that he was there, right there with me, all day long! I felt as though he knew what I was doing and why, like he understood. It felt as though he was walking with me today, like he was right beside me looking up and not down.
PS: The next post will be more in depth on the party and will include photos!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Unforgotten Cherries
One year ago, almost to the exact minute, I was sitting on the couch with a bowl of cherries. Wyatt loved fruit and I decided that since I couldn't eat after midnight because of the upcoming surgery, I would eat a big bowl of cherries before going to bed.
Wyatt loved the cherries, he moved and kicked all night.
..... Little did I know that those cherries would be the last thing Wyatt ate.
I can honestly say, I haven't eaten cherries in one year. I can't bring myself to do it.
It's the little things like those cherries that I will remember forever.
Wyatt loved the cherries, he moved and kicked all night.
..... Little did I know that those cherries would be the last thing Wyatt ate.
I can honestly say, I haven't eaten cherries in one year. I can't bring myself to do it.
It's the little things like those cherries that I will remember forever.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Turning of the Calendar
It was at 8:38am this morning when I was sitting at my desk at work and realized that the calendar I was looking at was still on May. I was talking with a peer and said, "Well, I guess I can change my calendar", but I didn't.
I couldn't.
Turning the calendar meant that I was definitely entering the month of June. The month I had dreaded since last year.
Like not turning the calendar was holding off time. Denial? Stubbornness? Whatever it was, I didn't want to turn that damn calendar.
This calendar is not just any calendar. It is the calendar that I made on Shutterfly that is full of photos of Wyatt for every month. It is something that I cherish, as I find myself starring at the pictures several times a day. As I continued to stare at the May photos I realized that time elapsing in months was about to end, in just a few short days, as we would now be to that one year mark. I realized that it didn't matter if I turned the calendar or not, the one year mark was coming. I slowly looked away from the calendar as I turned the cardboard page from May to June.
There it was, June. With all the pictures of Wyatt, Mommy, and Daddy printed on this month's page, the photos could tell the whole story. The story of a little boy who we struggled to create for more than two years, who was with us for 29 weeks and 1 day, and who is loved more than anything ever can be loved. It's a story about strength, life, and not giving up.
I sat starring at the photos on the June month for several minutes. There is a photo that is printed on the date of June 6 of Wyatt for his birthday and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. There he was, my perfect angel, lying in his blanket. Oh the thoughts that ran through my mind.
"You would be one in just five days."
"I wonder what you would look like now."
"You would be walking."
They continued, until I shook my head and decided that like time, I needed to push forward. For I love Wyatt and love lasts an eternity, not just for a month.
I couldn't.
Turning the calendar meant that I was definitely entering the month of June. The month I had dreaded since last year.
Like not turning the calendar was holding off time. Denial? Stubbornness? Whatever it was, I didn't want to turn that damn calendar.
This calendar is not just any calendar. It is the calendar that I made on Shutterfly that is full of photos of Wyatt for every month. It is something that I cherish, as I find myself starring at the pictures several times a day. As I continued to stare at the May photos I realized that time elapsing in months was about to end, in just a few short days, as we would now be to that one year mark. I realized that it didn't matter if I turned the calendar or not, the one year mark was coming. I slowly looked away from the calendar as I turned the cardboard page from May to June.
There it was, June. With all the pictures of Wyatt, Mommy, and Daddy printed on this month's page, the photos could tell the whole story. The story of a little boy who we struggled to create for more than two years, who was with us for 29 weeks and 1 day, and who is loved more than anything ever can be loved. It's a story about strength, life, and not giving up.
I sat starring at the photos on the June month for several minutes. There is a photo that is printed on the date of June 6 of Wyatt for his birthday and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. There he was, my perfect angel, lying in his blanket. Oh the thoughts that ran through my mind.
"You would be one in just five days."
"I wonder what you would look like now."
"You would be walking."
They continued, until I shook my head and decided that like time, I needed to push forward. For I love Wyatt and love lasts an eternity, not just for a month.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
~ Henry Van Dyke
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
We Saw the Face of Our Warrior
June 1, 2010....
One year ago tomorrow was the first time we ever saw a good photo of Wyatt's face. It was our first and only 3D ultrasound.
After being sent home for the holiday weekend, we were asked to return on Tuesday, June 1 to meet with the team of cardiologist and for more tests on little Wyatt. June 1, 2010 was the date of when echo was performed that showed Wyatt's name was fitting, he was and always will be a warrior, his heart was still beating.
After the echo, we told the doctors that we still wanted to do the surgery. I was sent for a 3D scan to ensure that there were no other anomalies and this is where we saw his face for the first time. He was precious. Initially we thought he was 100% me. He had my chubby cheeks, my nose, and my shaped face. After almost two hours on the ultrasound table, it was determined Wyatt was perfect, except for his heart. Even the ultrasound tech said, "He is adorable, it's just his heart."
I remember coming out of the room and going back into the lobby. Brian's mom and my mom were both sitting there. We showed them the photo and they were both in awe. Immediately we sent the photo to everyone via text.
What an exciting day!
Who would have thought that this would be the last time we would see Wyatt's little face and body in motion?
If I would have known, I wouldn't have complained so much about laying on that table while the weight was pushing on my spine. I would have sucked it up and dealt with it while taking in every movement Wyatt was making.
We still have that 3D ultrasound picture and it is in a frame in our living room. I find myself looking at the picture nearly every night. I love that photo because Wyatt looks so peaceful. His little arm tucked under his chin and his perfect little face so clearly seen.
June 1, 2010 was the day that we saw the face of our warrior.
One year ago tomorrow was the first time we ever saw a good photo of Wyatt's face. It was our first and only 3D ultrasound.
After being sent home for the holiday weekend, we were asked to return on Tuesday, June 1 to meet with the team of cardiologist and for more tests on little Wyatt. June 1, 2010 was the date of when echo was performed that showed Wyatt's name was fitting, he was and always will be a warrior, his heart was still beating.
After the echo, we told the doctors that we still wanted to do the surgery. I was sent for a 3D scan to ensure that there were no other anomalies and this is where we saw his face for the first time. He was precious. Initially we thought he was 100% me. He had my chubby cheeks, my nose, and my shaped face. After almost two hours on the ultrasound table, it was determined Wyatt was perfect, except for his heart. Even the ultrasound tech said, "He is adorable, it's just his heart."
I remember coming out of the room and going back into the lobby. Brian's mom and my mom were both sitting there. We showed them the photo and they were both in awe. Immediately we sent the photo to everyone via text.
What an exciting day!
Who would have thought that this would be the last time we would see Wyatt's little face and body in motion?
If I would have known, I wouldn't have complained so much about laying on that table while the weight was pushing on my spine. I would have sucked it up and dealt with it while taking in every movement Wyatt was making.
We still have that 3D ultrasound picture and it is in a frame in our living room. I find myself looking at the picture nearly every night. I love that photo because Wyatt looks so peaceful. His little arm tucked under his chin and his perfect little face so clearly seen.
June 1, 2010 was the day that we saw the face of our warrior.
A New Blog....
I have been toying with creating a separate blog for Nolan or whether to just continue posting on this blog about Nolan's milestones. I felt it only right that Nolan have his own blog.
With Nolan's due date right around the corner, I know that there will be tons of photos and blog posts about our little Nolan. Because I want to ensure that my boys milestones and life events are kept separate, I have decided to create a separate blog for Nolan.
Please feel free to visit and follow Nolan's blog at:
http://ourgiftbythenameofnolan.blogspot.com/
I will be continuing with "Wyatt's Whisper" but will be blogging Nolan's life events on his blog called "Our Gift by the Name of Nolan".
With Nolan's due date right around the corner, I know that there will be tons of photos and blog posts about our little Nolan. Because I want to ensure that my boys milestones and life events are kept separate, I have decided to create a separate blog for Nolan.
Please feel free to visit and follow Nolan's blog at:
http://ourgiftbythenameofnolan.blogspot.com/
I will be continuing with "Wyatt's Whisper" but will be blogging Nolan's life events on his blog called "Our Gift by the Name of Nolan".
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Remembering the Hardest Decision Ever
Friday, May 28, 2010
That was the day that Brian and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide whether or not to allow our unborn son to be operated on through the womb.
We were told by the doctors that that surgery was experimental and that there was only a very small chance it would work. But we were also told that if we did nothing, our little Wyatt would surely die.
So as a parent, what do you do? Do you sit back and do nothing while you wait for your child, the one you tried so desperately to conceive for 26 months, to pass in your womb? Or do you proceed with a surgery that doesn't stand much of a chance of saving his little life?
Oh my God, I remember the day. I was wheeled down for tests, echos, and an amnio. Again, another day with no breakfast and nothing to drink. I hadn't had my prenatal in three days and I remember thinking that my son was going to be sick from my not eating and the lack of prenatals. Upon completing the tests, I was wheeled back to my hospital room at the University of Penn, as I hadn't been fully moved over to the Children's Hospital yet. After we returned to the room, we told Dr. Bryd that we had decided to move forward with the surgery. I think she disagreed, as she told us several times that we didn't have to do the surgery. She was the first of many to tell us this.
As the days followed, we met with several other doctors and cardiologist, all saying the same thing. They would start off with their name and tell us they were sorry for Wyatt's condition. Then they would immediately say something about the fact that we didn't have to proceed with the surgery, that they would understand. It made me question our decision several times, but again, without the surgery Wyatt has "zero chance".
That same day, May 28, the doctor's advised that it would be best to be released from the hospital for the holiday weekend, as the surgery wasn't going to take place until the following week. To this day, I honestly believe we were released to wait for Wyatt to pass.
On June 1, we returned to the hospital for another echo. The echo tech was the same from the previous week. After holding my breath as she started the scan, I recall her saying "his little heart is still beating." He had held on through the weekend and I could breathe. After the scan was complete and we were waiting for the doctors, I remember Brian talking to the tech about how we were sent home for the weekend. The tech softly confirmed to us what we had considered. She said, "They didn't think his heart would be beating during the echo today." That was when I realized just how bad Wyatt's condition really was.
That was the day that Brian and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide whether or not to allow our unborn son to be operated on through the womb.
We were told by the doctors that that surgery was experimental and that there was only a very small chance it would work. But we were also told that if we did nothing, our little Wyatt would surely die.
So as a parent, what do you do? Do you sit back and do nothing while you wait for your child, the one you tried so desperately to conceive for 26 months, to pass in your womb? Or do you proceed with a surgery that doesn't stand much of a chance of saving his little life?
Oh my God, I remember the day. I was wheeled down for tests, echos, and an amnio. Again, another day with no breakfast and nothing to drink. I hadn't had my prenatal in three days and I remember thinking that my son was going to be sick from my not eating and the lack of prenatals. Upon completing the tests, I was wheeled back to my hospital room at the University of Penn, as I hadn't been fully moved over to the Children's Hospital yet. After we returned to the room, we told Dr. Bryd that we had decided to move forward with the surgery. I think she disagreed, as she told us several times that we didn't have to do the surgery. She was the first of many to tell us this.
As the days followed, we met with several other doctors and cardiologist, all saying the same thing. They would start off with their name and tell us they were sorry for Wyatt's condition. Then they would immediately say something about the fact that we didn't have to proceed with the surgery, that they would understand. It made me question our decision several times, but again, without the surgery Wyatt has "zero chance".
That same day, May 28, the doctor's advised that it would be best to be released from the hospital for the holiday weekend, as the surgery wasn't going to take place until the following week. To this day, I honestly believe we were released to wait for Wyatt to pass.
On June 1, we returned to the hospital for another echo. The echo tech was the same from the previous week. After holding my breath as she started the scan, I recall her saying "his little heart is still beating." He had held on through the weekend and I could breathe. After the scan was complete and we were waiting for the doctors, I remember Brian talking to the tech about how we were sent home for the weekend. The tech softly confirmed to us what we had considered. She said, "They didn't think his heart would be beating during the echo today." That was when I realized just how bad Wyatt's condition really was.
"I had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has made me what I am."
~ John Arbuthnot
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Remembering the Beginning of the End
And it started.... Reliving the moments all over again. Yesterday, I had to go to the same facility where we had Wyatt's last "healthy" ultrasound on May 25, 2010. I had to go because I needed an ultrasound of my kidneys for this pregnancy. That was just the first step.
Tonight, I sit here watching American Idol the final episode of the season. Last year, I did this from the hospital on May 26, 2010. It was Simon's last episode. I had been rushed by ambulance to University of Penn from West Chester. I arrived and was quickly seen by three MFM doctors who looked very concerned. I had no idea what was wrong, as I was only told that I needed to be taken to University of Penn to be seen by a specialist.
Immediately the doctors did an echo cardiogram and told me that the baby (we didn't know Wyatt's gender yet) had a minor heart defect that could definitely be fixed without any complications. With that under control, I turned on American Idol and watched the final episode of the season. Lee DeWyze won, which is who I was hoping would win. I was in tears, as I am with every final episode of the season, but this time even more so because Simon was done. It was his final show.
After the show ended, my family and husband left because visiting hours were over. I thought that things were okay. Who would have thought that the next day, May 27, 2010, could have brought one little family so much horrible news. More to come on that in later posts this week and next.
So, as I sit here watching Idol tonight, it sure does bring back some memories, both good and bad. Nolan however, is moving very much right now. It's like he knows everything that took place, like Wyatt told him about it. It's like Nolan is trying to tell me that everything is okay and not to worry.
Yesterday and today's events are nothing more than me remembering the beginning of the end with Wyatt. Something that I will relive forever, it will never go away. But I refuse to allow the end to exist for Wyatt, as he will be with me and live in my heart and memories FOREVER.
---- and Idol had to have Tim McGraw come on and sing "Live like You are Dying". Really??? That was my friend Jen's song too after she passed.
Tonight, I sit here watching American Idol the final episode of the season. Last year, I did this from the hospital on May 26, 2010. It was Simon's last episode. I had been rushed by ambulance to University of Penn from West Chester. I arrived and was quickly seen by three MFM doctors who looked very concerned. I had no idea what was wrong, as I was only told that I needed to be taken to University of Penn to be seen by a specialist.
Immediately the doctors did an echo cardiogram and told me that the baby (we didn't know Wyatt's gender yet) had a minor heart defect that could definitely be fixed without any complications. With that under control, I turned on American Idol and watched the final episode of the season. Lee DeWyze won, which is who I was hoping would win. I was in tears, as I am with every final episode of the season, but this time even more so because Simon was done. It was his final show.
After the show ended, my family and husband left because visiting hours were over. I thought that things were okay. Who would have thought that the next day, May 27, 2010, could have brought one little family so much horrible news. More to come on that in later posts this week and next.
So, as I sit here watching Idol tonight, it sure does bring back some memories, both good and bad. Nolan however, is moving very much right now. It's like he knows everything that took place, like Wyatt told him about it. It's like Nolan is trying to tell me that everything is okay and not to worry.
Yesterday and today's events are nothing more than me remembering the beginning of the end with Wyatt. Something that I will relive forever, it will never go away. But I refuse to allow the end to exist for Wyatt, as he will be with me and live in my heart and memories FOREVER.
---- and Idol had to have Tim McGraw come on and sing "Live like You are Dying". Really??? That was my friend Jen's song too after she passed.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A Day of Kindness, Check it Out!
I follow several blogs, something that I knew nothing about until I lost Wyatt. Without my blog and the other blogs I follow, I don't know where I would be today. Most of the blogs I follow are of others who are dealing with the loss of their child. However, there are others that I follow just because I find the author interesting or someone who I could learn a lot from.
Today, one of the authors blogged about a something that captured my attention. The title of the blog post was "Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day". As I began to read the post, I found myself nodding and thinking of how wonderful it would be to participate. To do something nice for someone else in Wyatt's name, that would be priceless! Of course, I plan to participate. I don't have much money or riches, but it doesn't take that to do something nice. How hard is it to open the door for someone, talk to someone who looks like they are having a bad day, or help someone with physical labor?
I would encourage everyone to visit the blog post that caught my attention today, I think you will read it and understand what I am saying. It is like a "pay it forward" project, but this is something that is done for just one day, though it could be carried forward. It encourages us to do something nice for someone else.
The link to the blog post is HERE.
The author encourages you to share your kindness stories after the Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day on July 27th.
I would love to hear how many are planning to participate and what you are planning to do.
Today, one of the authors blogged about a something that captured my attention. The title of the blog post was "Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day". As I began to read the post, I found myself nodding and thinking of how wonderful it would be to participate. To do something nice for someone else in Wyatt's name, that would be priceless! Of course, I plan to participate. I don't have much money or riches, but it doesn't take that to do something nice. How hard is it to open the door for someone, talk to someone who looks like they are having a bad day, or help someone with physical labor?
I would encourage everyone to visit the blog post that caught my attention today, I think you will read it and understand what I am saying. It is like a "pay it forward" project, but this is something that is done for just one day, though it could be carried forward. It encourages us to do something nice for someone else.
The link to the blog post is HERE.
The author encourages you to share your kindness stories after the Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day on July 27th.
I would love to hear how many are planning to participate and what you are planning to do.
" Wherever there is a human being,
there is an opportunity for kindness."
~ Unknown
Monday, May 23, 2011
"If your knees aren't green"
Of all weeks, THIS WEEK????
On Thursday, I went the to doctors for my routine 29 week visit and the doctor detected +3 blood in my urine when doing the dip stick test. I went on Thursday for a urine culture but the results didn't come back until today.
I took macrobid all weekend and laid on a heating pad all day on Friday. I felt better on Saturday and even on Sunday, but today it is starting to all come back.
I called for the results from the culture done on Thursday and was told that there was blood in the urine and some white blood cells, but no bacteria. So, the nurse stated it would be best to come in because the macrobid will only treat bacteria, of which I don't have.
Why does everything have to fall into place around the same dates with Wyatt? Nolan was conceived two weeks before Wyatt. Nolan is due two weeks before Wyatt. And May 26 was the day that I received the horrid call to get to Labor and Delivery stat!
Now today is only May 23, but we are getting close. Seriously, it has to happen this week???
On Thursday, I went the to doctors for my routine 29 week visit and the doctor detected +3 blood in my urine when doing the dip stick test. I went on Thursday for a urine culture but the results didn't come back until today.
I took macrobid all weekend and laid on a heating pad all day on Friday. I felt better on Saturday and even on Sunday, but today it is starting to all come back.
I called for the results from the culture done on Thursday and was told that there was blood in the urine and some white blood cells, but no bacteria. So, the nurse stated it would be best to come in because the macrobid will only treat bacteria, of which I don't have.
Why does everything have to fall into place around the same dates with Wyatt? Nolan was conceived two weeks before Wyatt. Nolan is due two weeks before Wyatt. And May 26 was the day that I received the horrid call to get to Labor and Delivery stat!
Now today is only May 23, but we are getting close. Seriously, it has to happen this week???
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Cocoon
It's funny how life happens. Over the past few days, I feel as though I have been pulling further and further out of the cocoon I created for myself around this time last year. I feel that each day something else happens that makes me realize just how lost I was in my cocoon.
I was going through some photos this week that were taken over the past 3-4 years. I had to slowly click through each photo and look at everything, as I always do. While looking at the photos I noticed something. I realized that life kept moving while I was stuck in a bubble trying to become pregnant. I realized this when I came to a photo of Brian's little brother. The photo was from Christmas of 2007, which was right around the same time Brian and I started to try to conceive. The person in the photo was the person that I had been seeing each time I looked at his brother, until recently. We had a communion party this weekend and when I looked at Brian's brother I realized he had gotten much older. He went from a high school freshman to a senior, about to graduate, in a matter of a moment. That made me wonder, what else had I missed.
I quickly found myself scanning through wedding pictures of Brian and I. I realized very quickly that in four short years we had really aged. We no longer had the look of young adults. Our skin is now more blemished, we have both gained some weight (me more than him), and we now hold loss in our eyes (something that we never could have expected four years ago).
I started to realize that the time we had spent trying for our future we had actually lost our present. I don't think Brian feels this way as much as I do. But I can say, that just within the past few days, reality has set in. I had been living my life month to month while trying to conceive. That was 26 months. I was only focused on ovulation days and cycle dates, the other days were lived but not appreciated. We lost and then we started all over again.
The loss, yes, we lost Wyatt. My days were more of a burden, like carrying a load of heavy rocks. Though I had 12 weeks off for maternity leave, I did nothing. It was tough to get up, do daily tasks, and live. After returning to work it was still difficult. I was faced with hiding the pain, painting on a smile, and acting 'normal'. Again, days were lived but not appreciated.
Things are changing. I have recently realized what has been missed - four years of my life. Four years have been lived but not lived as they should have been lived. Every moment should be lived as if the moment is a gift because ultimately it is. It is funny because I thought of this while walking into work today. I was walking over the crosswalk and thought, "every moment of life should be lived like it is a gift, for we don't know when the gifts will stop being given".
Ironically (or maybe it was meant to happen), I had a conversation with a friend this morning. The conversation was about baby loss and we got on the topic of living life without living it. Seems odd that I walked into work thinking about life and then I have a conversation with a friend about it. After the conversation was over, I again realized how much I am pulling out of that cocoon that I was so comfy in. It has been awhile, but I think I may be ready to let go of the cocoon and spread my wings, not to forget but to live.
I found this poem today and wanted to share, as I think it is wonderful and does a good job with explaining my life over the past one year.
I was going through some photos this week that were taken over the past 3-4 years. I had to slowly click through each photo and look at everything, as I always do. While looking at the photos I noticed something. I realized that life kept moving while I was stuck in a bubble trying to become pregnant. I realized this when I came to a photo of Brian's little brother. The photo was from Christmas of 2007, which was right around the same time Brian and I started to try to conceive. The person in the photo was the person that I had been seeing each time I looked at his brother, until recently. We had a communion party this weekend and when I looked at Brian's brother I realized he had gotten much older. He went from a high school freshman to a senior, about to graduate, in a matter of a moment. That made me wonder, what else had I missed.
I quickly found myself scanning through wedding pictures of Brian and I. I realized very quickly that in four short years we had really aged. We no longer had the look of young adults. Our skin is now more blemished, we have both gained some weight (me more than him), and we now hold loss in our eyes (something that we never could have expected four years ago).
I started to realize that the time we had spent trying for our future we had actually lost our present. I don't think Brian feels this way as much as I do. But I can say, that just within the past few days, reality has set in. I had been living my life month to month while trying to conceive. That was 26 months. I was only focused on ovulation days and cycle dates, the other days were lived but not appreciated. We lost and then we started all over again.
The loss, yes, we lost Wyatt. My days were more of a burden, like carrying a load of heavy rocks. Though I had 12 weeks off for maternity leave, I did nothing. It was tough to get up, do daily tasks, and live. After returning to work it was still difficult. I was faced with hiding the pain, painting on a smile, and acting 'normal'. Again, days were lived but not appreciated.
Things are changing. I have recently realized what has been missed - four years of my life. Four years have been lived but not lived as they should have been lived. Every moment should be lived as if the moment is a gift because ultimately it is. It is funny because I thought of this while walking into work today. I was walking over the crosswalk and thought, "every moment of life should be lived like it is a gift, for we don't know when the gifts will stop being given".
Ironically (or maybe it was meant to happen), I had a conversation with a friend this morning. The conversation was about baby loss and we got on the topic of living life without living it. Seems odd that I walked into work thinking about life and then I have a conversation with a friend about it. After the conversation was over, I again realized how much I am pulling out of that cocoon that I was so comfy in. It has been awhile, but I think I may be ready to let go of the cocoon and spread my wings, not to forget but to live.
I found this poem today and wanted to share, as I think it is wonderful and does a good job with explaining my life over the past one year.
Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Gift!
Oh.... again extremely excited!!!
I just placed my order for Brian's Father's Day gift from Wyatt. Yes, from Wyatt and not from me. Father's Day is a day for children to honor their Dad and just because my son is in Heaven does not mean that he can't honor his Daddy.
I am sure that Wyatt will send Brian a lot of signs on Father's Day, which means more than anything materialist ever can. But I wanted to ensure that Brian had something to open, something that would be a reminder of Wyatt for years to come.
So, after careful thinking and a lot of thought, I finally came up with my favorite idea.
Last year was a hard Father's Day. Wyatt passed on June 4, was delivered on June 6, and we had his service on June 12. Just a week later was Father's Day. I remember the house smelling like a greenhouse with all of the flower bouquets still around from the service. Every where I turned there was another card from a friend, family member, or co-worker. I could barely think straight and there I was trying to order a gift for a Daddy whose baby just went to Heaven. The only thing I could come up with was a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it. That was the best I could do. Brian loved it and still uses it. The mug has never been in the dishwasher because we just can't put Wyatt in there. We hand wash it after every use and carefully place it back into the cabinet.
This year, my mind is more clear. Believe me, the pain is still there but it is manageable now. I was able to think straight and come up with something that will be heart touching for even Brian. For starters, the Father's Day card was made with photos of Wyatt and a touching poem about an angel talking to his father. And the gift, well, the gift is just wonderful. I decided on an engraved dog tag with Wyatt's photo on the front and an engraving on the back. Since Brian doesn't read this blog (for many reasons), I can share:
I just placed my order for Brian's Father's Day gift from Wyatt. Yes, from Wyatt and not from me. Father's Day is a day for children to honor their Dad and just because my son is in Heaven does not mean that he can't honor his Daddy.
I am sure that Wyatt will send Brian a lot of signs on Father's Day, which means more than anything materialist ever can. But I wanted to ensure that Brian had something to open, something that would be a reminder of Wyatt for years to come.
So, after careful thinking and a lot of thought, I finally came up with my favorite idea.
Last year was a hard Father's Day. Wyatt passed on June 4, was delivered on June 6, and we had his service on June 12. Just a week later was Father's Day. I remember the house smelling like a greenhouse with all of the flower bouquets still around from the service. Every where I turned there was another card from a friend, family member, or co-worker. I could barely think straight and there I was trying to order a gift for a Daddy whose baby just went to Heaven. The only thing I could come up with was a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it. That was the best I could do. Brian loved it and still uses it. The mug has never been in the dishwasher because we just can't put Wyatt in there. We hand wash it after every use and carefully place it back into the cabinet.
This year, my mind is more clear. Believe me, the pain is still there but it is manageable now. I was able to think straight and come up with something that will be heart touching for even Brian. For starters, the Father's Day card was made with photos of Wyatt and a touching poem about an angel talking to his father. And the gift, well, the gift is just wonderful. I decided on an engraved dog tag with Wyatt's photo on the front and an engraving on the back. Since Brian doesn't read this blog (for many reasons), I can share:
I can't wait for this precious gift to arrive, then I have to hold off until Father's Day to give it to Brian. Oh the wait. I am so excited to see his face when he receives it.
So, what are you planning on doing for your baby's father this year for Father's Day????
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tomorrow For Which I Never Had
Today marks 29 weeks and 1 day gestation for little Nolan James. Today is a milestone, for 29 weeks and 1 day is the length of time for which I carried Wyatt. June 4, 2010 marked 29 weeks and 1 day of Wyatt's pregnancy. That was the same day that the surgery was performed. The surgery that proved to be unsuccessful.
I started thinking of how today is a special day for Nolan's pregnancy, as it was the last day of Wyatt's pregnancy. But I found myself not able to look beyond this point. For tomorrow may be different, but today I just couldn't do it.
Nolan was quiet today, he didn't move very much. Was it because he wanted me to remember Wyatt? Maybe he knew that today was a somber mark. Whatever it was, his mood mirrored mine or maybe mine mirrored his.
Tomorrow will bring new feelings, as I haven't ever carried a baby beyond 29 weeks and 1 day. I never really experienced a full term pregnancy. I find it ironic that we have an ultrasound, our third, to see Nolan tomorrow. Tomorrow, the same tomorrow for which I never had with Wyatt. Maybe it was all meant to unfold this way. Whatever the reason, tomorrow we will be able to see our second son at 29 weeks and 2 days, and we are excited for this tomorrow!
I started thinking of how today is a special day for Nolan's pregnancy, as it was the last day of Wyatt's pregnancy. But I found myself not able to look beyond this point. For tomorrow may be different, but today I just couldn't do it.
Nolan was quiet today, he didn't move very much. Was it because he wanted me to remember Wyatt? Maybe he knew that today was a somber mark. Whatever it was, his mood mirrored mine or maybe mine mirrored his.
Tomorrow will bring new feelings, as I haven't ever carried a baby beyond 29 weeks and 1 day. I never really experienced a full term pregnancy. I find it ironic that we have an ultrasound, our third, to see Nolan tomorrow. Tomorrow, the same tomorrow for which I never had with Wyatt. Maybe it was all meant to unfold this way. Whatever the reason, tomorrow we will be able to see our second son at 29 weeks and 2 days, and we are excited for this tomorrow!
Pepsi Refresh Project
Okay, I am so excited and I haven't even submitted the application yet!!!! Pepsi has what they call a Pepsi Refresh Project where they will extend grants based on need and votes. I have finally completed an application for Wyatt's Wishes and it will be submitted next month.
Applications are only taken during the first week of a new month, so I have to hang tight until June. But it is fitting, as June will mark Wyatt's one year since he left us.
Oh how I pray that we are one of the 15 selected for June. It would be great to make Wyatt's Wishes an all out reality!! I would be so happy and I could just see Wyatt's smile looking down from Heaven.
Once the application is submitted, I will send out the link so everyone can begin to vote for us. Oh, please please please vote for us!!!
Applications are only taken during the first week of a new month, so I have to hang tight until June. But it is fitting, as June will mark Wyatt's one year since he left us.
Oh how I pray that we are one of the 15 selected for June. It would be great to make Wyatt's Wishes an all out reality!! I would be so happy and I could just see Wyatt's smile looking down from Heaven.
Once the application is submitted, I will send out the link so everyone can begin to vote for us. Oh, please please please vote for us!!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Lovin' this Hobby!
The rain this weekend kept me from being very productive. The weather on Saturday was just blah. So what did I do? Yea, I pulled out some yarn and started to crochet.
I find myself in love with this hobby. It is something that I started before Wyatt was born. I made little Wyatt several blankets and he stayed bundled up in my favorite during his stay with us in the hospital. Since that time, I have been crocheting much more.
I have already made Nolan several little hats, a blanket, and a pair of no stratch mittens. This weekend I decided to put my skills to the test again and I made a cute little girls hat, a pair of gender neutral no stratch mittens, and a gender neutral bib. I am lovin' the bib!!!
I find myself in love with this hobby. It is something that I started before Wyatt was born. I made little Wyatt several blankets and he stayed bundled up in my favorite during his stay with us in the hospital. Since that time, I have been crocheting much more.
I have already made Nolan several little hats, a blanket, and a pair of no stratch mittens. This weekend I decided to put my skills to the test again and I made a cute little girls hat, a pair of gender neutral no stratch mittens, and a gender neutral bib. I am lovin' the bib!!!
So, what do you think???? As I said earlier, I am lovin' this hobby and having so much fun creating so many adorable things. If you are interested in any of my items, please check out my ETSY shop by clicking HERE.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Communion
What started off as a rainy, gross day actually turned out to be very nice. The sun decided to peak it's face around the noon hour. It was just in time for our niece's Holy Communion.
Of course, Brian and I were a few minutes late to the church, but we managed to still walk in with several others. We sat down and joined in the mass.
When mass is directed toward children I always find it interesting to really listen to what the Priest is saying. I enjoy the way the Priest will take it down a few notches so the kids understand. Today was no different, the Priest was doing his sermon on the Crucifixion and "knowing the voice of God". The Priest said something that really made me think. He said, "Those who do it all right still have to suffer. Look at Jesus, he did nothing wrong, he committed no sins and he suffered for all of us. So sometimes for us to have the one thing that we really want, we have to suffer." As the Priest was saying this, I thought of Wyatt.
Sometimes it's amazing the signs that we get and where we get them. Today, mine came during the communion, where we remembered Christ's death and I remembered my son's.
Of course, Brian and I were a few minutes late to the church, but we managed to still walk in with several others. We sat down and joined in the mass.
When mass is directed toward children I always find it interesting to really listen to what the Priest is saying. I enjoy the way the Priest will take it down a few notches so the kids understand. Today was no different, the Priest was doing his sermon on the Crucifixion and "knowing the voice of God". The Priest said something that really made me think. He said, "Those who do it all right still have to suffer. Look at Jesus, he did nothing wrong, he committed no sins and he suffered for all of us. So sometimes for us to have the one thing that we really want, we have to suffer." As the Priest was saying this, I thought of Wyatt.
Sometimes it's amazing the signs that we get and where we get them. Today, mine came during the communion, where we remembered Christ's death and I remembered my son's.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
An Event Planner in the Future?
Oh my gosh! For the first time in quite some time I have been having fun. You see, Wyatt's one year birthday is coming up next month and I have decided that we will be celebrating his one year with a monkey party.
Wyatt's one year means a lot to me mainly because it doesn't seem like it has been a full year. But it also means a lot because all Mommy's go all out for their baby's first birthday. Though Wyatt passed two days before he was delivered, I consider the day I delivered him to be his birthday. It was the day he entered into this world. It is something that Wyatt and I will always share, our birthdays!!!!
Since Brian and I called Wyatt "Our Little Monkey", we decided to do a monkey themed party. For the past several days I have been searching the Internet looking for monkey decor that I could create myself. I also wanted to ensure that a lot of the food was monkey related.
I still have a lot of work ahead of me, which is fine because I am enjoying every minute of it. The invitations were already sent, so now I just need to get creative.
I will not post photos of the items that I have made until after the party, but I would like to share with you some of the ideas I have found to use for Wyatt's party.
Wyatt's one year means a lot to me mainly because it doesn't seem like it has been a full year. But it also means a lot because all Mommy's go all out for their baby's first birthday. Though Wyatt passed two days before he was delivered, I consider the day I delivered him to be his birthday. It was the day he entered into this world. It is something that Wyatt and I will always share, our birthdays!!!!
Since Brian and I called Wyatt "Our Little Monkey", we decided to do a monkey themed party. For the past several days I have been searching the Internet looking for monkey decor that I could create myself. I also wanted to ensure that a lot of the food was monkey related.
I still have a lot of work ahead of me, which is fine because I am enjoying every minute of it. The invitations were already sent, so now I just need to get creative.
I will not post photos of the items that I have made until after the party, but I would like to share with you some of the ideas I have found to use for Wyatt's party.
Lovin' this banner!! Of course, I have already made one similar to this for Wyatt's party. This was project #1. It only took me three hours, but I enjoyed every minute of it.
These favors are just adorable. Yes, I will be creating these for all of our nieces and nephews!
Oh yes, inflatable monkeys!!! We already ordered several.
Aren't they so cute? Yep, I will be making these little monkeys instead of a cake!
Okay, now let's talk about the menu. So far I have found recipes for banana pudding, BBQ'd bananas (yes, my thoughts too, but they actually don't sound that bad after reading the recipe), banana smoothies, and monkey balls. I am also doing banana chips! Yep, we have officially gone bananas over this party!!!
So, as you can see it's going to be a jungle of a time. As much as I have been dreading Wyatt's one year birthday, I am actually looking forward to it. I pray that Wyatt is looking down and that he is pleased with the fact that we are honoring him and that we are having fun doing it. I am so happy that we decided to do this party for him. Our little monkey is going to have a monkey bash!!!
Where does the event planner fit in? Well, I am having so much fun creating this party and working out every little detail that I thought maybe one day in the future event planning would fall into my lap. How much fun would that be? Oh, I would love it!
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