Endless

The signs have been seen a lot this week, I think he knew I needed them.  I have hit the point where I am starting to reference back to the dates two years ago.  You know the "on this day two years ago..." or "two years ago today was the last...".  Right, not healthy.  The signs are keeping me sane right now.  In the past I could lose it and it didn't matter.  Now I have a baby to take care of and losing it is impossible.  To see the 5:55 or the bill that comes to $7.77, it helps me realize that everything is okay as he is still near.

Silly, maybe.  But how do you know it isn't real?  Two butterflies came to visit my mom and I on the beach last week.  This was just after we were discussing my mommom, who passed at the end of last year.  The first one was larger in size and seemed more masculine.  The second was petite and had more feminine colors.  They continued to visit while we sat on the beach.  There's a feeling that comes over me when signs happen like that.  It's something that I can't explain and don't expect anyone to ever understand.  But I know the sign is real. 

Mother's Day is this weekend.  I have been a mother for two years, this will be the third Mother's Day for me but only the first where I can hold and kiss my child the entire day.  Mother's Day like other days is something that is bitter sweet for me.  Something only another mother who has experienced the loss of a child could ever understand.  My husband asked what I wanted for Mother's Day and I never responded.  The honest response would be something that no one would be able to give, so I kept the request to myself. 

I saw this cute craft on Pinterest the other day and I loved it.  I thought of asking for something similar for Mother's Day, but I changed my mind.

I gave it a lot of thought, but I just can't have something like this hanging in my home.  It wouldn't be complete and that is all I would think about every time I looked at it.  The picture is cute and it looks like a fun family craft, but I just am not ready to hang something that is missing the participation of one of our family members.

I read a post tonight and it moved me.  I have been following this blogger since the loss of Wyatt and every time she posts on the subject for losing a child I feel the connection.  The post can be found HERE.  The piece that touched me the most was this:

"Nothing quenches the longing in our hearts for our children who died. Nothing. And this is how it should be. The place in our hearts- the one which belongs to our beloved child- is theirs and theirs alone. Our duty is to honor that place, to keep it free from detritus and from absorbing the hate of the world. Our duty is to remember them so this place which is theirs is one of beauty, a beauty beyond the material. Our duty is to love them boldly, wildly, with every part of our being, and to carry their spirit into the world." 

She couldn't have said it better.  My duty to my son Wyatt is to honor and love him forever.  To carry his memory and share his story to the world.  He is to live through me.  And this he will, now and forever.  I will continue to remember him, hold him in my heart, and never let his space be taken.  He is our first son, our "Golden Egg", our miracle and our angel. 

What I have realized while typing this is that although what I want for Mother's Day is impossible to have, I have something else.  I have an angel who watches from above and a child who lives with us.  Our angel watches over us with endless love while our child living with us brings us endless joy and smiles.